REMINDER: FURMAN BISHER IS OLD
You’re not going to like it when I say this…Furman Bisher is very, very old: 89, in fact, and still writing columns for the AJC. To be very, very honest, we respect his longevity but have never particularly enjoyed his work, making him the Bob Dylan of Atlanta sportswriting: around, allegedly legendary, and never really doing anything for us. Then again, when we were growing up he was already sixty, so admittedly we’ve never seen him close to his fastball.
The rule at the AJC has been, since time immemorial: Cut Bisher and die. This seems an immensely stupid rule for anyone, since if you line up at a typewriter every day you’re bound to make mistakes. (See our corrections, or perhaps this entire blog for examples thereof.) However, it might be time for someone to begin at least proofing what the guy types before entering “RUN” or whatever command publishes on the FORTRAN-rigged website the AJC has:
“Eight springs ago the Mets and Cubs opened the season, not in Cincinnati. Guess where? Tokyo. That Tokyo, the guys who gave us Pearl Harbor. Some people don’t like you to bring that up, trade with Japan is so hot. But I’ve got a long memory. I saw what a few bombs can do to our property.”
Gadzooks: not only does Bisher anachronistically invoke the Rising Sun paranoia of the late eighties (The japanese will own your brain! They’ll own everything!), he…he says that. Rather than fire up the facile righteous indignation wagon, we simply sent a tattered rising sun flag and this note in an envelope to Bisher at the AJC this morning instead.
Deal Westeln Devir,
Ah, Fulman Bishah. YOU DEFAME THE NATION OF JAPAN AND HER EMPERAH! DIE LOUND-EYE! You wirr diee rike the nastee buttah-stink devir you all when the mighty Japanese navy sairs into Atranta and bulns your house down! Fuck your Babe Luth! Divine winds wirr take your soul to herr, lound-eye! My bayonet wirr lun led with your brood, Bishah, for your insorence!
Yours most poritery,
Lieutenant Hideo Takeda
Japanese Army
Zambales Mountains, Philippines.
When Furman Bisher takes the red-eye to Manila later this week with a flint-lock rifle, a canteen, and a map in hand, and you hear laughter emanating from the Atlanta area, that would be us.
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DarthGatorOne says:
Orson……….There is no “L” in the Japanese alphabet, so I’ve edited the message to Mr. Bishop as follows:
“Deal Western Devir,
Ah, Furman Bishah. YOU DEFAME THE NATION OF JAPAN AND HER EMPERAH! DIE ROUND-EYE! You wirr diee rike the nastee buttah-stink devir you are when the mighty Japanese navy sairs into Atranta and burns your house down! Fuck your Babe Ruth! Divine winds wirr take your soul to herr, round-eye! My bayonet wirr run red with your brood, Bishah, for your insorence!
Yours most poritery,
Rieutenant Hideo Takeda
Japanese Army
Zambares Mountains, Phirrippines.”
From “Retters From The Phirrippines”………No thanks necessary.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:07 pm
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DarthGatorOne says:
oops! Missed one……insert “sour” for “soul”.
March 28th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
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tempebamafan says:
holy shit ASU girls are hot but stupid. Though they have some less stupid albeit beautiful ones as well, you can spot them by the clothes they ARE wearing…
March 29th, 2008 at 12:31 am
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NRBQ says:
“you line up at a typewriter every day ”
Actually, Bisher seems to be down to two or three columns per month, thank God, although every one of them is a variation of the same pissing and moaning over lost traditions and sports going to hell in a handbasket.
March 29th, 2008 at 10:25 am
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The Big Dog says:
You have to say it like the narrator in the early episodes of Victory at Sea: Japaneesse. (with a very hard “s” sound).
March 29th, 2008 at 12:36 pm
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Not the mama says:
Hey if you don’t like the Zimmer, man you don’t have to listen to him. Point of order, though: he STILL be winning grammys. His music doesn’t roll with 20’s, though that’s true enough.
March 30th, 2008 at 5:15 am
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Will says:
I obviousry don’t forrow basebar werr enough to understand why the New York Mets and Chicago Cubs wourd open their season in Cincinnati.
April 1st, 2008 at 11:40 am
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webshrink says:
Do you hate your parents, or just all “old people?” By the way, at what age do you declare people too old to participate in your progressive, enlightened world of liberty, diversity and prosperity? And tell us, O Wise Punkass-M.F., what should we do with the “old” refuse, warehouse them or just euthanize them and process them into iPod skins and Soylent Green? In 20 years, the ageism rife in your cool commentary above will be viewed as being just as primitive and ignorant as rascist diatribes from 20 years ago. If you’re lucky, you’ll get old too, and maybe mature along the way. By then maybe coddled ingrates like you might be graced with an inkling of revelation that Mr. Bisher and his generation of flawed but decent people saved YOUR world. Thanks to them, a nation that had been attacking, enslaving and raping its’ neighbors for 50 years is now busy making Hello Kitty and electronic toys for whiney piss-ants like you. Yeah, THAT Tokyo…
April 24th, 2008 at 7:20 am
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Michael F says:
Will, dude, yes you obviously don’t follow baseball. For decades the first game of the Major League season was ALWAYS played in Cincinnati, as it was the home of the first major league baseball team.
May 14th, 2008 at 8:45 am
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furman bisher says:
Yes, indeed, I amd old, was old when the Japanese Lt. was born.
However, the quote attributed to me by him was not made b y me.
A total travesty by some unfunny jerk who doesn’t have a clue
about who I am and my basic views.
Therefore, I would suggest that such a knucklehead not be
accorded space in these pages.
Sorry, I just came across this misguided creep today, while making
some tests.)
November 10th, 2009 at 11:52 am