COACHES OF ARABIA
by Orson on Mar 27, 2008 1:18 PM EDT
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PrintCold winds sweep off the jagged teeth of the Hindu Kush. A UH-60 Black Hawk chops through the thin air; as it passes through the azure sky, it seems to be constantly recalibrating its flight path, listing slightly to the right side, correcting, and then listing again. It finally lands on a flat, dusty patch of land surrounded by razor wire, sandbag bunkers, and a lone American flag flapping in the bastard breeze.
The blades come to a slow crawl: four coaches exit from the left side of the plane. All wear black fleece vests and cargo pants. One coach remains in the helicopter, visibly rocking the chopper from the inside as the machine sags to the right.
(A muffled voice yells from the inside:) A little fuckin' help here? Huh?
Randy Shannon: This place is NICE.
Tommy Tuberville: Smells like...Afghanistan.
Mark Richt: Guys, maybe we should go back and help Charlie.
Tommy Tuberville: Hell, no, padre. I didn't fry fish in backwoods Tennessee for years just to help some gravity whore yank his whale-sized kiester out of a helicopter.
Randy Shannon: No, I mean it, y'all. This place is really, really nice.
Mark Richt: I'm going back, guys. He really needs help.
Soldiers, looking slightly alarmed at the rocking helicopter: Coach, with all due respect, you are about to damage $5.9 million of taxpayer property.
Weis: So fucking what? I'LL BUY YOU A NEW ONE I'M SIGNED FOR THREE HUNDRED YEARS. Get me a fucking crowbar!
Tuberville: Have fun, Boy Scout. Me and Shannon are going on patrol.
Shannon: That sounds so much more pleasant than living in Miami, Tommy. And: safer.
Tuberville: Fuckin' right, man. (They fist pound.)
Richt: Language, guys. Language.
Weis: Crowbar! CROWBAR!!! And a hot pressed sandwich, assholes. Doesn't anyone have a hot pressed sandwich in this bullet-infested dustcrotch of a country? AND WHY IS THERE NO HAM TO BE FOUND???
Tuberville: Have fun. We're going to blast some terrorist ass. HEY, CHARLIE! If you make it in five minutes, I won't make you do the Truffle Shuffle later!
Weis: Up your ass, Tuberville! I hope you eat an RPG!
Tuberville: You could!
Shannon: Let him go, man.
Weis: Go to hell, TUBERVILLE! Who made these seats so frickin' small....
Richt goes back to help extract Weis. Shannon and Tuberville suit up and join a battalion of Rangers on patrol. They creep through a ravine choked with boulders, guns at the ready. The icy caps of mountains are visible over the tops of the ravine, and pine trees on its edge whistle slightly in the wind.
Shannon: This is so relaxing.
Tuberville: Are you kidding me---oh, yeah. Forgot.
Shannon: I'm learning things this trip, Tommy. I think I'm meant to be an artist.
TT: Really?
Shannon: Yup. Mixed media, I'm thinking ceramics, fireworks, and woodcut. Perhaps with some old lithography thrown in there.
TT: Sounds like you're collaging there, Randy.
Shannon: Damn right I'm collaging. I've never told you this, but Dada's always been one of my faves. Not the fruity Dali dorm-poster surrealism, either: I'm talking straight Duchamp, man.
TT: Of course. You're no dillettante.
Shannon: If they only knew what we really talk about in Miami coaches' meetings, man. Remember Dave Wannstedt's presentation on Volition, Will, and Chance in the works of JM Coetzee?
TT: I found it too precious. He's such a close reader. No room for me as the subjective reader? Please. It's---
Shannon: SHHH!!!
The soldiers stand at the ready, crouched over the lip of a huge boulder. Before them sits a camp. There are five men: four in traditional tribal dress and combat boots, and one in white, a tall man with an immense beard shot through with gray hair.
TT: Holy shit.
Shannon: It's---
Soldiers: Lock and load, boys. Coaches, stay behind me.
Gunfire erupts, and the four tribesmen drop to the ground dead. The lone man in white looks around, panics, and then begins to run toward the dark mouth of a cave in the wall of the ravine.
Officer: Anyone feel like hauling some ass and capturing the most wanted man in the world? HUH?
TT: Lemme take him, lieutenant. I know just how to take someone down for good.
Officer: All yours, coach.
TT: CLICK CLACK, OSAMA!!!
Capture, Tuberville. Photo: LSUFreek.
TT: This terrorist capture was sponsored by Under Armour, motherfucker.
Osama Bin Laden, in Arabic: Oh, god! My knee! You've permanently mangled my knee!
TT: Oh, did I? Purely unintentional. I apologize.
Shannon: Yes, Osama. Purely unintentional. Won't happen again.
Osama: Infidel scum, that's clearly an illegal technique! I'm maimed now! MAIMED!
(They fist pound.)
Randy Shannon, Charlie Weis, Mark Richt, Tommy Tuberville, and Yale coach Jack Siedlecki will be touring the Middle East this May. This may or may not happen, but if it does it will be purely unintentional.
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All part of General Muschamp’s Operation: Boom Terrorist Motherfuckers.
+100, sir.
by Ground0EastLansing on Mar 27, 2008 1:25 PM EDT reply actions
Isn’t chop blocking strictly verboten under the Geneva Conventions? As a proud American, I’m not sure how to feel about this.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 27, 2008 1:25 PM EDT reply actions
200 cocktails to you, Sir. Excalibur!!!
I was kind of hoping Richt would lull the enemy with his kindness and then go EvilRicht and destroy some stunned fuckers. {You know, like Florida last year…}
Surely Orgeron is the infantry commander of this unit, and Mike Gundy is the press attache.
by Kanu on Mar 27, 2008 1:34 PM EDT reply actions
Excellent work, Orson.
Weis is all up for lardboarding if needed.
by Out of Conference on Mar 27, 2008 1:34 PM EDT reply actions
Next years funniest blog contender. Yes sireeee.
by hunglikehussain on Mar 27, 2008 1:40 PM EDT reply actions
@ #2
Geneva Conventions? Those have been treated with the same honor and respect an Auburn OLinemen treats the opposing team’s star DE’s kneecaps.
I can also picture Charlie Wise yelling for “BUTTER” a la Rob Reiner.
by Will (the other one) on Mar 27, 2008 1:43 PM EDT reply actions
A pox on Miss for offing Coach O before this tour of duty, that would have been lovely.
“LEMDIE !”
by Kenny on Mar 27, 2008 1:55 PM EDT reply actions
Somehow when this started I knew a chop block would come. I just didn’t know it’d be the chop block heard round the world.
Osama and Dorsey can rehab it together…. except Dorsey will go to the NFL and make millions… and Osama will… well… you know.
by ThreenOut on Mar 27, 2008 1:58 PM EDT reply actions
How the hell did they sqeeze Weis into a Blackhawk? The thing only has 2600 lbs of useful load! Methinks the Chinook would be a little more appropriate for use.
by Aerobab on Mar 27, 2008 2:33 PM EDT reply actions
They should send Big Balls Pete (as he’s known of campus). He could kill the varmits with fire from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his ass.
by Bryan on Mar 27, 2008 2:37 PM EDT reply actions
Nick Saban didn’t have time for that shit. Unless it’s 100:1 man odds, it’s simply too simple for him to “Akira” them into mush.
by Steve on Mar 27, 2008 2:45 PM EDT reply actions
Re: #6, I think this blog has actually won that title before, and as such was exempt from contention last go-round.
by wooderson on Mar 27, 2008 2:46 PM EDT reply actions
So sad some readers only know you as spencer hall.
by tzubear on Mar 27, 2008 2:59 PM EDT reply actions
the democrats in congress are already calling for hearings on the use of chop blocks, which have been defined as torture for time immemorial, on terrorists – les miles has apparantly struck a deal where he will testify in exchange for immunity and 150 lbs. of taffy
by okiedomer on Mar 27, 2008 3:02 PM EDT reply actions
and is it a birthright to have a ‘well developed’ sense of humer for those named spencer?
by tzubear on Mar 27, 2008 3:03 PM EDT reply actions
Did TT maybe find Wannstedts speech too precocious instead of too “precious”?
by Middle America on Mar 27, 2008 3:31 PM EDT reply actions
The icy caps of mountains are visible over the tops of the ravine, and pine trees on its edge whistle slightly in the wind.
You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore. For a minute there I was no longer sitting in my cubicle, I was there man… I was there!
by skinnyphatman on Mar 27, 2008 3:58 PM EDT reply actions
Just when I thought the chop-block references were tired and used up, Boom (MF!), Orson comes with the gold.
Eleventy billion cocktails, and a heartfeld War Eagle, sir.
by gurn on Mar 27, 2008 4:16 PM EDT reply actions
Given the northwest frontier vibe, I briefly hoped that Charlie Weis would turn out to be a rotund Gunga Din… but the best setup evar for an Auburn chop-block joke was more than enough instead.
by DC Trojan on Mar 27, 2008 4:41 PM EDT reply actions
#14, you mention “Akira” in a post involving Charlie Weis at war and you don’t make the Weis-Tetsuo (at the end of the movie) joke?
by Will (the other one) on Mar 27, 2008 5:27 PM EDT reply actions
Tommy Tuberville speaks Arabic?
Come to think of it, I believe Auburn did have a “directed reading” course on Class-V languages.
by George on Mar 27, 2008 10:08 PM EDT reply actions
That was a great move by Tuberville because it gave the troops a chance to follow Richt’s orders. He told the entire US military to storm the battlefield in celebration after their first score. After the terrorists made a half-assed attempt at their own celebration, the US military went on to crush the terrorists unmercifully.
by Dante on Mar 28, 2008 8:44 AM EDT reply actions
Not to be overly critical of LSUFreek’s work, or your text, but a chop-block requires 2 people to execute. Tuberville is merely performing a textbook cut-block there.
by NewAZTiger on Mar 28, 2008 11:12 PM EDT reply actions
as an lsu fan i REALLY love the repeated shots at tubberville and his “unintentional” blocking schemes
by drunkentiger on May 21, 2008 5:34 PM EDT reply actions
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