Perhaps you recall the Oklahoma church deacon and pastor who grabbed the testicles of a Texas fan and nearly ripped them from his body. Or maybe you forgot intentionally, since it involved one man RIPPING OPEN ANOTHER MAN’S FUCKING SCROTUM.
When a pair of bar patrons tried to separate the two men, Thomas said he heard a popping sound, looked down and saw a lot of blood.
“I saw a tear and an exposed testicle,” Thomas said. “I panicked.”
Beckett’s attorney said that Thomas was the aggressor and that his client defended himself only after the younger, bigger man went up to the bar to confront him.
And now, for no reason whatsoever, a picture of a heart-healthy pomegranate!
The last person we can remember being arrested for false imprisonment was Rick James, so the soundtrack for this is a true barn-burner: Rick James and Tina Marie live at the BET awards singing “Fire and Ice,” which Rick wrote about methamphetamines and fire, two of his favorite things.
We’re catching up, but it bears mention for the spectacular score racked up in a single offense by Arkansas junior linebacker Freddie Fairchild, arrested on Monday for third degree battery and second degree false imprisonment in a domestic incident with his girlfriend.
The victim, said to be Fairchild’s girlfriend in a police report, told police that Fairchild physically attacked her causing injuries to her head, face, arms, legs and pelvis, according to an arrest report. She said after the attack he did not allow her to leave the house for several hours.
Fairchild is assessed seven points total: three for each felony count, and one for reminding us of Rick James, something that will always earn you bonus points in the Fulmer Cup. Petrino has suspended Fairchild pending the legal process’ results, which in Petrino-ese means Fairchild will not be suspended, and that the coach just got done with a very promising interview with the University of Washington regarding their head-coaching position.
Cold winds sweep off the jagged teeth of the Hindu Kush. A UH-60 Black Hawk chops through the thin air; as it passes through the azure sky, it seems to be constantly recalibrating its flight path, listing slightly to the right side, correcting, and then listing again. It finally lands on a flat, dusty patch of land surrounded by razor wire, sandbag bunkers, and a lone American flag flapping in the bastard breeze.
The blades come to a slow crawl: four coaches exit from the left side of the plane. All wear black fleece vests and cargo pants. One coach remains in the helicopter, visibly rocking the chopper from the inside as the machine sags to the right.
(A muffled voice yells from the inside:) A little fuckin’ help here? Huh?
Randy Shannon: This place is NICE.
Tommy Tuberville: Smells like…Afghanistan.
Mark Richt: Guys, maybe we should go back and help Charlie.
Tommy Tuberville: Hell, no, padre. I didn’t fry fish in backwoods Tennessee for years just to help some gravity whore yank his whale-sized kiester out of a helicopter.
Randy Shannon: No, I mean it, y’all. This place is really, really nice. (more…)
The official biography of Kim Jong-Il and Pete Carroll’s actual life inch closer together by the day:
First, Kim:
North Korean publications describe Kim Jong Il as a renaissance man who has flown fighter aircraft, written operas and shot 11 holes-in-one in his first try at golf.
And who can conjure food from his empty hands! Oh, wait…
And then there’s Pete Carroll, who unlike Kim actually does the things written about him. In the middle of communing with the People’s Spirit on Mount Paektu and writing three symphonies, each more beautiful than the other and more beautiful than any music ever composed before, Pete decided to take a little batting practice with predictable results at the Coliseum, which is being rigged into a baseball stadium for an exhibition game between the Red Sox and Dodgers.
Carroll and tight ends coach Brennan Carroll each drilled three homers over the 62-foot-high net down the 199-foot left field line, and quarterbacks assistant Yogi Roth hit the staff’s only other home run in the hour-long batting practice session.
Oh god! I haven’t been able to smell in thirty years! Hit another one, Pete! Hit another one!
Of course he did. Did you see the definition and perfect form in his swing? And fact that when he hit the ball, it flew into the net and TURNED INTO A DOVE OF HOLY PEACE? Pete Carroll is thinking about you right now, and knows you can be more as a person than you ever dreamed of being. Will you answer the challenge, grasshopper?
Ryan Perrilloux, the sixty million motherfucking dollar man suspended from the LSU Tigers for violating team rules, has been unsuspended by coach Les Miles. He hasn’t appeared in practice yet, but appears to be well on his way to escaping the purple and yellow air-conditioned doghouse complete with full wetbar, jacuzzi, and solid gold bathtub in Baton Rouge.
Dat boy outta doghouse, Thibodeaux! Photo by LSUFreek, of course.
Particularly helpful is the fact that no other qb on the LSU roster has so much as a hair of experience Perrilloux’s evident contrition and commitment to team principles. That’s the real driving force behind all of this, we’re sure.
Win forever, man. Scott Wolf may have the definitive story explaining why Pete Carroll will never leave USC: in an interview with the Redskins in January, Carroll requested an $8 million salary.
Kenneth Page, also winning forever. Clemson commit Kenneth Page–or at least everyone says that’s Kenneth Page–would like you, dear reader, to picture him rollin’, as he posted this pic of himself on his MySpace page and then very promptly removed it:
Ladies, I am both virile and blessed with cash, and other men I refer to as “haterz” cannot sleep at night thinking of my wealth and influence.
Brahsome has more details, but we’re sure that this can all be explained. We didn’t say the explanation would be pretty, but we’re sure there is one.
Jimmy Clausen hasbulked up over the offseason in hope of weathering hits this year. Unfortunately, there are no biceps, triceps, cloits, or dloits on your skull.
“Throw your iPod on, come in [to the locker room] bopping your head. Put on your equipment, go out to practice,” Meyer said. “Come in and throw on your iPod, punching your cell phone, text people and leave. How are you going to develop any chemistry on the team?
“You see it every day. Just go walk on campus. You see these white things stuck in peoples’ ears, and that means, ‘I don’t have to talk to you.’ “
But coach: how else are they going to talk to you? You wooed them this way, and now you’re complaining about it, which has us ROTFLOAO, OMG!!!111 We’d love to talk about it, but we’ve got some twittering to do real fast here, and a TF2 squad practice on XBox Live in 30. TTYL.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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