Phil Fulmer calls his linemen out for being weak plushies in practice, an exercise in irony if we’ve ever seen one:

“They’re soft,” a fiery Fulmer said. “That group of guys, they’re soft 300-pounders. They should be big, ugly tough guys. Right now they’re not very tough.”

But they turn a disco out like no one’s business, sister!

Paul Shaffer wrote that song. This will never, ever cease to amuse us.

UCF says nothing was atypical about the conditioning workout Ereck Plancher died during last week. Plancher collapsed during the cool-down period following a 20 minute conditioning drill. The cause of death has not been determined yet.

Excitement, ya! Is this thing on? Tim Brewster of Minnesota went 1-11 last year, and even that one took an overtime effort. (Glen Mason, everyone! Glen Mason!) Brewster and his staff logged a quarter of a million miles recruiting, a sneaky way of making traveling 250,000 miles sound like even more, since you manage to work that big ol’ “million” in there, which is what all your brain really remembers. It’s still a zounds! number of miles, and Brewster’s hoping for the [NAME REDACTED] Big Ten bounceback. Given what a shitpile the middle and bottom of the B10 has been over the past two years, that is a very real possibility.

It’s a no-huddle! Just like intramurals! Indiana isn’t the only school opting to exploit the new 45 second clock with a no-huddle: Colorado will also be going with the no-huddle, arguing that Cody Hawkins will have more time at the line, thus giving him more time to read the defense. Some Colorado fans will argue that this is precisely why this will be a disadvantage for Colorado: this gives Cody Hawkins more time to think, which is not good.

Mr. Pelini has banned Huskers from bars, meaning Nebraska football players will simply have to get in fights and foist unwanted groping on women in the comfort of their homes. This will prepare them well for married life. Bingo-zango! The buffet closes in twenty minutes so get on over there while you can, people. The etoufee is simply delicious.