FULMER CUP: STEVEN’S JUST BEING STEVEN, DUDE
Stephen, what would the Great Eagle Spirit do, man? HE’D DRINK THAT FUCKIN’ BEER, THAT’S RIGHT.Stephen Garcia sits in his dorm, alone except for the tiny, floating Matthew McConaughey on his shoulder.
SG: I’m fucking bored man.
Tiny, Floating Matthew McConaughey: Brah, stop the bitchin’ and get to itchin’. If it’s too quiet in the church, who’s gonna make some noise if you don’t ring some bells, man?
SG: I’m gonna set off the fire extinguisher. I’ve been wanting to do that for weeks.
TFMM: RIGHT ON. Take your shirt off and make it happen. You’re like a primitive warrior ready to fight in mud with a loincloth naked, and the fire extinguisher….it’s like some ancient sabretooth you’ve got to own. Just like I punched those dragons in Reign of Fire.
SG: Fuckin’ right. Sometimes I can hear it taunting me.
TFMM: It IS taunting you. Can’t you hear it now? I can because I’m Toll Housed.
SG: Ring ring, you little red bitch.
TFMM: You’re a dolphin in a sea of purple freedom, baby YEAH.
Stephen Garcia sets off the fire extinguisher, and goes to get beer.
Three hours later, Steven and TFMM tote a cooler full of beer down the stairs to a doorway of the dorm.
TFMM: Those dragons were real. You know that, right?
SG: I’m just gonna drink this beer right here. Fuck it. I don’t care.
TFMM: Fuckin-A, man. No way you should care. What are you doing?
SG: Lettin’ my dolphin swim man. No net’s catching me, man.
TFMM: (makes flipper noise: ENH ENH ENH ENH ENH ENH ENH)
SG: Should? Will, man. We’re eating Chinese, tonight, too. I’m calling the Cindy Lee express.
TFMM: First course: Crab Ran-poon.
SG: Second: General Tso’s Dickin’.
TFMM: Nice, brah. Third course: Chicken Chow Mein.
SG: Dude: no effort at all there.
TFMM: No, seriously, I’m London Fogged here. Noodles gotta happen soon.
SG: Good point. We’ll call it in and get it by our fourth course: Dong-olian Beef, applied in hot slices.
TFMM: With extra sauce, you freaky-deaky peacock of love.
SG: (strutting like a peacock:) cccoooooo-CAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!
TFMM: Show your tail, daddy! Show your fuckin’ tail!
University of South Carolina policemen: Son, is that beer?
TFMM: Show your feathers, man. You can’t be anything but what the goddess made you baby.
SG: Totally my beer. You want one?
TFMM: cooooo-CAAAAAWWWWWW!!!
Police: You’re coming with us, son.
SG: You do what you have to do, man. You can’t cuff my soul.
TFMM: Jail! We’re gonna meet some people tonight, man! The movable feast just added a dish: some outlaw pasta here, man.
SG: Sweet. Let’s do this, brah.
Police: Who are you talking to, son?
SG: Maybe you should ask yourself, “Who aren’t I listening to, man?”
Police: This way please, son. You’re drinking underage.
TFMM: I hear the train a-comin’, man! It’s rollin’ round the bend!
SG: So.
TFMM: Stoked.
They pound fists, and TFMM fires up a joint, takes off all his clothes, and begins to play a bongo drum only he can see. Garcia grooves, and earns two points for South Carolina in the Fulmer Cup thanks to his arrest for underage drinking. He’s not mad at ya, brah.
Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Fulmer Cup, Southeastern Conference, drankin' by Orson Swindle
Loading ...
25
“meatball surgery” huh, Orson. And the theme song to M*A*S*H starts running through my head.
Comment by Charlestownecock — March 25, 2008 @ 12:38 pm
24
Actually, go back to the Ray Ray thread with the scissor picture.
I responded then, and I responded on the previous thread regarding Ray Ray when the liberal righteous indignation squad got into a lather without doing their due diligence.
You can’t spin what an embarrassment Garcia has become to your program.
We all consumed alcohol when we under 21, but we all did not get caught by the police multiple times.
Now, I will grant you that Taneyhill was targeted in the early 90s, I recall a party where such occurred…
but your boys have been finding trouble with an increased frequency since Spurrier arrived.
OOC, you are right that the Fulmer Cup denotes that Gamecock transgressions are minor in severity…
but this sort of character, or lack thereof, and certainly a lack in judgment, shows up on the football field.
This is why we continue to beat you, even though you have a better coach.
This is why the SEC beats you, even though you have a better coach than the majority of your brethren.*
* - Conveniently ignoring the talent aspect of your ineptitude.
Comment by Coop — March 25, 2008 @ 12:33 pm
23
OOC—
We’re running meatball surgery here. Sometimes, you gotta go before the eggs get cold.
Comment by Orson Swindle — March 25, 2008 @ 12:32 pm
22
Actually, that might not be a bad conlusion here. Pull Garcia’s scholly and make him run bleachers for the rest of spring practice. Including the scrimiges and the spring game. Two and a half hours of bleachers everyday. That should teach him a lesson.
Comment by Charlestownecock — March 25, 2008 @ 12:26 pm
21
Coop:
Spurrier yanked Gaffney’s scholarship after the incident. Gaffney played the following year as a walk-on, and then later earned his scholarship back. Trivial distinction, perhaps, but the kid didn’t go completely unpunished.
Comment by Ltrain — March 25, 2008 @ 12:21 pm
20
Coop, you are russian to conclusions.
Comment by hunglikehussain — March 25, 2008 @ 12:17 pm
19
Oh and Orson, when you say you were delaying posting the SG ticket because you were waiting on a photoshop, I was expecting something better.
Comment by Out of Conference — March 25, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
18
Coop:
I noticed that you kept you mouth shut on the Ray-Ray post earlier. But as soon as something comes up about South Carolina, you can’t wait to show your ass. Because drinking beer at 20 years old is the bane of our existance. This is why I hate the Upstate Pussycats.
Comment by Charlestownecock — March 25, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
17
Oh yes, we can always count on Coop to bring self-valued speculation to any conversation about controversy at the University of South Carolina while completely disregarding any in Pickens.
Comment by Out of Conference — March 25, 2008 @ 12:13 pm
16
“You’re a dolphin in a sea of purple freedom, baby YEAH.”
Wow. Fantasticaly wow.
Comment by tzubear — March 25, 2008 @ 12:12 pm
15
Fairchild that is; Fairchile is his latino pen pal.
Comment by Rowdie Gaines — March 25, 2008 @ 12:05 pm
14
The hogs crack the fulmer cup with Freddie Fairchile arrested on battery and false imprisonment. The Petrino era has officially begun.
http://arkansasbusiness.com/article.aspx?lID=78&sID=79&ms=80&cID=Z&aID=104019.34403.116145
Comment by Rowdie Gaines — March 25, 2008 @ 12:04 pm
13
Garcia named his kid after a character in the movie, “Happy Feet.” Memphys, with a “y” not an “i,” something or another. I did not see the film.
That is all you need to know about Garcia.
White trash trailer bash.
I would say he is an embarrassment to South Carolina athletics, but he is merely par for the proverbial course.
Spurrier needs to learn from Ray Tanner when it comes to discipline.
Of course Spurrier did not throw Jabar Gaffney off the squad at Florida when he was caught stealing money, so he probably would not have kicked those baseball players off his squad, either.
South Carolina people will tell you that the cops enjoy locking up their boys, while Clemson’s players or Georgia’s players get rides home from the cops when they get liquored up, start brawls, smoke dope, etc. Sure…
This is why we, and everyone else, beat you. You take highly touted players with discipline issues and they evolve into cancers on your squad.
Jarriel King is my favorite subject on the topic.
He will be a solid contributor to the South Carolina mug shot file that the message board yahoos are developing.
The fact is Spurrier has not been long for South Carolina since the day he arrived, which is why he recruits these kids. Quick fix for the hired gun who wanted to win a SEC title, go out on top and return to Florida..
but it is blowing up in his face.
A MIP for alcohol is trivial, but when it is the same kid over and over…
Comment by Coop — March 25, 2008 @ 11:58 am
12
If that is Noah Brindise’s brother [Zac Brindise], don’t the Gators get 1/2 a point (guilt by association)?
Comment by hobegator — March 25, 2008 @ 11:57 am
11
You do what you have to do, man. You can’t cuff my soul.
Normally I don’t just repeat quotes in my comment section (a la Youtube commenters), but that one was AWESOME!
Comment by PW — March 25, 2008 @ 11:55 am
10
Riiiiinnnggg….
Yeah, this is Head Ball Coach!
I told you he could throw ‘em back…
Click! Clack!
Comment by skinnyphatman — March 25, 2008 @ 11:52 am
9
Also charged with underage drinking Saturday were offensive lineman Heath Batchelor, 20, and walk-on quarterback Zac Brindise, 19. They were scheduled to appear in court next month.
Three players, all charged. Isn’t that 3 points?
Comment by Brian O'Blivion — March 25, 2008 @ 11:39 am
8
“I hear the train a-comin’, man! It’s rollin’ round the bend!”
Nice Johnny Cash reference. A little Folsom Prison blues to brighten my day.
cccoooooo-CAAAAAWWWWWW!!!!!
Comment by Bryan — March 25, 2008 @ 11:39 am
7
I gotta start saying “Brah” more often.
Comment by NRBQ — March 25, 2008 @ 11:37 am
6
What abou the other two players arrested along with him? Do they earn any points in the Fulmer Cup?
Comment by BigDawg — March 25, 2008 @ 11:32 am
5
Just checking.
Comment by Charlestownecock — March 25, 2008 @ 11:30 am
4
That Bird, you cannot change.
Great writing.
Comment by Allahver Fist — March 25, 2008 @ 11:28 am
3
Yes, because it’s Stephen “Free Bird” Garcia.
Comment by Orson Swindle — March 25, 2008 @ 11:22 am
2
Orson:
Question: Does this really count towards Fulmer Cup points since he wasn’t arrested? He was just citied and had to pay a $275 fine.
Comment by Charlestownecock — March 25, 2008 @ 11:21 am
1
Taking a cue from someone over at Senator Blutarsky’s place, I want someone to show me a picture of Stephen Garcia and Scott Stapp in the same room together.
Comment by Doug — March 25, 2008 @ 11:18 am