CURIOUS INDEX, 3/24/08

by Orson on Mar 24, 2008 8:59 AM EDT

Yes, we're finally escaping the orbit of Las Vegas. It's a degenerative orbit at best: we arrived here full of plans and dreams and money and Werther's Butterscotches, and now we're typing this from the Clark County Library without pants, a wallet, or our left eye. The eyepatch, however, is saucy, and our street persons' production of Pirates of Penzance is gonna kill, baby. And those butterscotches? When you run out of cash, they'll get you more than you think in barter.

And this just happened. If you're fond of that "heroin/jugular" feel, putting any dollar amount over the number that makes your ass pucker up a bit and the taste of aluminum appear in your mouth is on your list of things to do in a casino. Just don't do it like we did it.

Jacked, pumped, and Sanchez'd. The Tiffany position in college football is open...sorta. Mark "Dirty" Sanchez and his army of luchadore mask-wearing fansboys is the clear leader in the jump seat for post-season awardage, the starting qb slot for USC. The likely future custodian of the USC Matt Leinart Golden Penis Cozy, Sanchez will probably top Arkansas transfer Mitch Mustain and freshman Aaron Corp provided Mustain doesn't shoot the lights out in spring ball.

Pete Carroll's current facebook status: "Pete Carroll can't wait for Spring Ball to start on Tuesday." Nick Saban's current facebook status: "Dropping one grain of sand on a bound and gagged Joe Pendry's forehead at a time until he apologizes for dinging my car in the parking lot."

This year's Wonderlic leaks aren't as sensational as in years past--there's no VY six, no Frank Gore 8, no Roderick Green rocking the vaunted low of a 3 for Roderick "MMM, Paste" Green, who received the score after eating half the test and then curling up on the floor for a well-overdue nap.

Matt Ryan got a 32 (Jesuits, what!) and Boise State's Ryan Clady, one of the leading draft picks at o-line, didn't live up to the respectable scores of his brethren by pulling a 16 from his brain-hat. No one exceeded the worst contextual score we've ever seen: Marcus Vick's 11. Vick is currently overseeing his brother's remaining properties, which you may recognize from the piles of garbage piling up outside them and the periodic fires burning in them.

Paul Johnson ain't sayin' shit about what his offense will look like in year one at Georgia Tech:

"I said, 'No they're not. I mean they don't run the same thing the New York Giants do and the New England Patriots,' " Johnson said. "And I was like, 'Well, what do you call it?' And the guy goes, 'Well, I guess you'd call it conventional.' I said, 'There you go. Call it whatever you want. They're all a little bit different.' "

That's not what drew our eye to the AP report, though. This did:

Neither of the experienced candidates, Calvin Booker or Josh Nesbitt, have attempted a pass in a college game.

Hey! Games against UNC don't count as college games anymore.

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Comments

w-a-a-a-i-t a minute….

I saw Holly’s and Kanu’s name on the vid, but not TCOAN… just what exactly have you been doing this past weekend, Mr Swindle?

by Futbawl Fan on Mar 24, 2008 9:07 AM EDT reply actions

Having taken a wonderlic test…. it makes me sad for our universities…. when the majority of these kids are scoring under a 30.

I mean… it’s not like it was in question or anything… but it’s still sad.

by ThreenOut on Mar 24, 2008 9:12 AM EDT reply actions

Am I really going to be the first to say…

Always bet on black.

by beast in bama on Mar 24, 2008 9:16 AM EDT reply actions

That’s it, I’m taking back the checkbook and putting you on a cash allowance.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Mar 24, 2008 9:34 AM EDT reply actions

Nice to see that the AP hasn’t spent the money saved on not hiring factcheckers by hiring editors.

Neither HAS.

Not that, y’know, writing and grammar is important when that’s all they’re selling.

by LD on Mar 24, 2008 9:38 AM EDT reply actions

FF- I couldn’t afford the vacation time or the alcohol poisoning, so I stayed in the south and visited my peeps in Alabama.

Out in their garage they have a chalkboard, where one of their children has written in large, clumsy letters a foot high “I [heart] U WAREAGLE AUBURN”. Just tragic.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Mar 24, 2008 9:48 AM EDT reply actions

Brian brohm matched Ryan’s 32 (state schools holla!)

Oh wait, the test doesn’t mean anything, and Vince young still sleeps on piles of money with many beautiful women?

go Cards over Vols then, I guess

by jon on Mar 24, 2008 9:55 AM EDT reply actions

Wait. So you’re saying games against UNC have counted in the past!

by Carlinthemarlin on Mar 24, 2008 10:13 AM EDT reply actions

wanna know who else had a 32 wonderlic score? Joey Harrington. nuff said. draft a lineman.

by suicidewatch on Mar 24, 2008 10:22 AM EDT reply actions

#6
TCOAN
I did not know that you knew David Irons parents..

by CapstoneAlum on Mar 24, 2008 10:23 AM EDT reply actions

TCOAN—

At least this child spelled everything correctly. This fact alone has to put him/her in the 95th percentile of all Alabamans.

by PW on Mar 24, 2008 10:23 AM EDT reply actions

…in terms of intelligence, I mean.

by PW on Mar 24, 2008 10:24 AM EDT reply actions

I have gambled 2 times ever.

Time one: ship coming back from the bahamas. I went to the nickel slots with pocket chang, and wound up +$10.00. I then had the ability to actually quit.

Time two: Drunk off my ass at the Borgata, Atlantic City. $20 blackjack tables. Had about 3 chips. Got up 20-40 dollars at one point, then 4 hands later, was penniless.

Gamblor’s total take to date: Approx. $50.00 USD
Free Drinks: Two or three.
Feeling of superiority over fools and hobos: Priceless.

by Brian on Mar 24, 2008 10:28 AM EDT reply actions

nice. chad henne representing michigan’s vaunted academic tradition with a 22.

jim harbaugh 392821482, michigan, 0

by ryan on Mar 24, 2008 10:36 AM EDT reply actions

It is Alabamians. What were you saying again?

by CapstoneAlum on Mar 24, 2008 10:40 AM EDT reply actions

Capstone—

I’ve seen both, but I’ll defer to you, an actual Alabamian. Besides, I was only speaking for the child, not for myself.

by PW on Mar 24, 2008 10:48 AM EDT reply actions

I took offense because as an Alabamian…that is what I do…you know..maintain a level of anger over losing the war..that kinda stuff.

by CapstoneAlum on Mar 24, 2008 11:04 AM EDT reply actions

i would go to bed happy each and every single night if the saban truly maintained and operated his own facebook page. but alas, he doesn’t have time for…(i’m so tired of this joke.)

by gerry dorsey on Mar 24, 2008 11:07 AM EDT reply actions

I thought Wesley Snipes told us to always bet on black?

by robert on Mar 24, 2008 11:19 AM EDT reply actions

Can I nominate Pete Carroll’s “French Toast” comment from the new Nike Sparq commerical as a new t-shirt? Pete Carroll running joke tag line? Something?

by for the glory of old state on Mar 24, 2008 11:42 AM EDT reply actions

Cap, you’re not referring to the War of Northern Aggression, are you? ‘Cause there’s no need to be angry about that until it’s actually over, you know.

by Sundawg on Mar 24, 2008 11:56 AM EDT reply actions

Wesley Snipes laughs at you Orson

by Nick on Mar 24, 2008 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

The question is whether the USC band is bright enough to play Poison’s “Talk Dirty to Me” for Dirty Sanchez

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n4qVJnhZwWY

Viva la Dirty!

Fight On!

by Bryan on Mar 24, 2008 12:58 PM EDT reply actions

Holy shit. This:

Roderick MMM, Paste Green, who received the score after eating half the test and then curling up on the floor for a well-overdue nap.

almost made me cough up a lung laughing. I don’t know why, but that’s hilarious. Thanks Orson.

by Mike on Mar 24, 2008 3:05 PM EDT reply actions

Some footage of Holly would have enhanced that production.

(that’s not a man-purse, we hope)

by NRBQ on Mar 24, 2008 4:07 PM EDT reply actions

Games against UNC count just like games against Appalachian State count – just ask Michigan (PING!) Winning gets you nothing, but losing…well, that’s another thing altogether.

by GTMan on Mar 24, 2008 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

Sanchez?!?

Pete Carroll is a fucking idiot. Doesn’t he know what can happen when you “Do the Nutt” to Ma Mustain?

by Mike Pigott on Mar 24, 2008 5:44 PM EDT reply actions

Pfft, trying to retain your dignity in Las Vegas. You poor sap. You were doomed from the start.

by Harris on Mar 24, 2008 7:48 PM EDT reply actions

fulmer cup updates:

http://www.thestate.com/gamecocks/story/355106.html

3 more gamecocks arrested for underage drinking, one of whom was cited again later on that day for starting a fire in his dorm room (probably as a result of dropping his bong and lighting the floor on fire).

by fdog on Mar 24, 2008 8:50 PM EDT reply actions

Orson

“…Red or black, fifty-fifty…”

EXACTLY the mindset the casinos want you to have regarding odds.

Allow me to introduce you to the green 0 and 00. They pay you 1-to-1 if you win on red or black (Wesley Snipes or not), but the odds of winning are on the light side of equal. It is called “house edge” and, sadly, is perfectly legal, if somewhat unsporting.

by StageCoach on Mar 24, 2008 9:37 PM EDT reply actions