THINGS BLACK AND GOLD PEOPLE LIKE
by Adam Jacobi on Mar 20, 2008 5:13 PM EDT
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PrintDont borrow, steal: an offseason requires desperate measures, and in a pinch well be happy to do the pinching. We present a running series: Stuff _____ People Like, based on the painfully accurate Stuff White People Like. Today's episode deals with fans of the Iowa Hawkeyes, mind you, not black people and this guy. Worth noting, especially since there are no black people in Iowa.
Stuff Black and Gold People Like
Fried anything. Holy shit do we like frying things. It's not that only Iowans fry everything, but Iowans only fry everything. Go to the Iowa State Fair, but do so only at your own risk and with polarized lenses on your sunglasses; direct eye contact with too many fried confections will clog your arteries with Oreo paste.
Not meth. Sorry, Orson, but that's something that Red and Yellow people enjoy far more than Hawkeye fans, along with other mind-numbing substances like Oxycontin and Rep. Steve King (R-IA). On the other hand...
Hawkeye Vodka. This brand exists, it's about $11 for a handle, and it's every bit as gut-wrenching as you can imagine. Only the saddest, most pickled citizens can stomach shots of the Hawkeye, and consuming large portions in mixed drinks leads to complete loss of pants, motor control, and stomach contents, in that order, and in the span of about 15 minutes. It's a great way to spend a weekend, even if you only remember the world-altering hangover. Actually, it's unfair to Iowans to restrict us to Hawkeye. Let's broaden this out a bit:
All alcohol. Go to a Hawkeye tailgate sometime. It's similar to SEC tailgates in terms of volume (both sound and attendance), but there's a marked difference: SEC tailgaters cook. They socialize. They have fun. We stand around in 40 degree weather silently forcing Natty Ice down our throats and thinking to ourselves, "there's more dew than usual." This is a necessary result of having all our football games start at 11 a.m. Eventually, after 7 hangover-delaying Keystones, some asshole turns on his car and puts in his tailgate CD, which by default has...
Things take a while to get to our fair state, so yes, it's hot and fresh to us. This is Iowa, after all.
Making you watch us while we do politics. We're not actually interested in politics. At all. Our governor is just as stupid as your governor. But every four years, CNN shows up and we get to travel to downtown Des Moines and say things like "is that Shepard Smith crossing the street?" and listen to desperate politicians tell us things that not even they themselves believe. We are attention whores, pure and simple, and when you follow the cycle of one month prom queen, 47 months drag queen, you'll understand too.
The one-finger raised from the steering wheel salute when you're on a gravel road. We don't wave. We point up. Of course, Jimmy Bluecollar's not about to acknowledge you in return if you're driving an import, because his (male relative) didn't die in (war that may or may not have had any bearing on American security) just so you could ride around in a god-damn Toyota, son. Why can't you just drive a Chevy like normal people? You on marijuana or somethin?
Corn. Oh god, the corn. It's everywhere. Also, sadly, Children of the Corn was not a documentary, because this state would be a lot more interesting if unsuspecting teenagers were beheaded by rogue corn vines (which may or may not, you know, exist) every time they set foot in a cornfield at night. That'd make for some unforgettable yearbook pages every spring, wouldn't it? "IN MEMORIAL: Jared Carver, 1990-2007, car accident; D.J. Thompson, 1989-2007, evil corn demons ripped off skull. You will be missed."
No, Charlize, the corn vines! Noooooooo!
The Drake Bulldogs. They do things the right way, which is a nice way of saying their point guard is white. We're not racist, we just don't care much for the showboating and hollering and the rap music and gangs. That Adam Emmenecker, he just plays ball the way it was meant to be played, you know?
Nile Kinnick. Plain and simple, he's the Iowa football Jesus. He saved us from mediocrity. He defeated the unholy Catholics. He won the Heisman. And sure enough, he was cut down in his prime, dying in a plane crash as he trained for WWII off the coast of Venezuela two years after graduation. Sure, it's debatable whether he ascended from the Atlantic--his body, like Jesus', was never recovered--but we at least got his plane back. Fortunately, the plans to put his wrecked plane on display at the stadium were shelved, because when Nile comes back in the Rapture, that's the last thing He'll want to see, but we revere him nonetheless. Talk crap about Nile in the Hawkeye state and you will be ripped asunder, even by people who barely even know who he is.
Hayden Fry. If Nile Kinnick is Hawkeye Jesus (he is), Hayden is our patron saint. Sure, he was openly Texan (not that there's anything wrong with that, either), but we like to think that his down-home sensibilities applied to Iowa as well too. We like to pretend that anybody of decent character has that in common with us, though that's hardly the domain of Iowans. Still, the man in the aviators and the moustache built the football from nearly nothing, as well as training others to do the same at Wisconsin, Kansas State, Iowa State and South Florida. Again, any ill word of Hayden within the Iowa borders is cause for completely legal assault and dismemberment. It's what we do.
The missionary position. In the dark, without the distraction of music, and under at least two blankets. It's more intimate that way, you see, and we don't want to deal with all these freak show details that you see on the pornos and the internet. It's sex, not a goddamn circus.
Moderate obesity. This is not entirely unrelated to the previous item, since there's nothing appetizing about acrobatic sexplay coming from two people who resemble clean-shaven Saint Bernards engaging in Greco-Roman wrestling. The slobber gets everywhere, it's awkward and uncoordinated, and... yeah. Anyhoo, whenever the Hawkeyes go to bowl games, it's painfully obvious who the Iowa fans are in the city beforehand; not only are we wearing only bright yellow ("It's gold!" No, it's yellow. Gold is this and don't let us catch you wearing that) , but we're universally 40-80 pounds overweight and loving it. A steady diet of Bennigans and 4-month bitter cold winters does that to you. You wouldn't understand, Gator fans. We hibernate with mozzarella sticks.
Superiority. Despite everything that you may interpret as inferior qualities, readers, we wake up every day happy. We know it could be worse. We could be Cyclone fans.
Oh, denim. Is there anything you can't ruin?
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[shakes fist] We had missionary position lined up for Michigan. “Because we’ve been doing it that way for years.” Get off my brain lawn, OPS.
Also, Children of the Corn II: The Final Sacrifice is a cinematic masterpiece and the cornerstone upon which at least 65% of my jokes are based. Which, yes, DOES explain a lot.
by Holly on Mar 20, 2008 5:23 PM EDT reply actions
“…since theres nothing appetizing about acrobatic sexplay coming from two people who resemble clean-shaven Saint Bernards engaging in Greco-Roman wrestling.”
Your imagery is astounding. I’m disgusted and laughing at the same time… no so unlike the time the guy I shared an office with when I first started working shit his pants when attempting a sportsman’s fart.
by Out of Conference on Mar 20, 2008 5:26 PM EDT reply actions
I’ve obliterated so many brain cells via Hawkeye Vodka it’s not even funny. Stupid going to a Div III school and having to drive to Iowa City for a football fix.
by Signal to Noise on Mar 20, 2008 5:29 PM EDT reply actions
That Drake team plays smart basketball. The players possess great leadership qualities. I expect them to out-work the more athletic Western Kentucky team tomorrow.
by Middle America on Mar 20, 2008 5:33 PM EDT reply actions
Hayden Fry trainee Mike Stoops is pretty much sucking big time weiner at Arizona. There goes that theory. Kind of a joke of a patron saint, anyway.
by chum1 on Mar 20, 2008 5:40 PM EDT reply actions
Other things black and gold people like; Busch Light on tap, the Chicago Cubs, pork products, bars located in strip malls and The Nadas.
by Middle America on Mar 20, 2008 5:42 PM EDT reply actions
Seems to me that the winter drives the weight gain and the missionary position under the blankets – you wouldn’t want any false positives from nipples that were acting as a thermostat rather than a foreplay meter, for instance.
OOC @ sportsman’s fart? Is that anything like a farmer’s nose-blow?
by DC Trojan on Mar 20, 2008 5:43 PM EDT reply actions
On the left: Iowans love the missionary position because, “Its sex, not a goddamn circus.”
On the right: Meet Christian singles on TogetherChristian.com
God, do I love EDSBS.
by Hawkeye State on Mar 20, 2008 5:45 PM EDT reply actions
Mid-Am: Jesus Christ, the fucking Nadas. What a glaring omission on my part.
chum1: How can you speak of your savior’s mentor like that?! If it weren’t for Bill Snyder, your god’s awesome gift would be at best I-AA. If I had a newspaper handy I’d roll it up and hit you with it.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 20, 2008 5:50 PM EDT reply actions
I just watched the video. That song was tearing up the clubs in Europe….when I was studying abroad. In college. In 2003. Holy hell. STILL?
by Holly on Mar 20, 2008 5:51 PM EDT reply actions
Still, Holly. Still. I think the next big thing around here’s going to be, like, Las Ketchup.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 20, 2008 5:55 PM EDT reply actions
Holly- you weren’t seriously going to do Michigan, were you? Shouldn’t you be doing Things Blaze Orange and White (and sometimes columbia blue, depending on your sex) People like?
by now_a_hoo on Mar 20, 2008 5:58 PM EDT reply actions
Holly- you werent seriously going to do Michigan, were you?
The hell? Yes. We’re doing Michigan. But not right away. Tennessee is next (was supposed to be this week, but I’m buried at the day job). I’m terribly sorry to have alarmed you.
by Holly on Mar 20, 2008 6:05 PM EDT reply actions
I just meant that maybe Brian Cook or Yost should do it, not that it shouldn’t be done. “No one picks on my kid brother but me,” and all that rot.
/nitpicking
by now_a_hoo on Mar 20, 2008 6:08 PM EDT reply actions
Oh, hell no. This is a lot more fun when it’s about teams you loathe. We’re just doing our teams first to be fair. This series was inspired by a mutual hatred of Georgia.
by Holly on Mar 20, 2008 6:10 PM EDT reply actions
Holly,
But there’s so much more that Michigan fans can point out! We take self loathing to a level only bettered by Inquisition era Catholicism. Just think of the possibilities!
(Sorry, no meth. But I hear heroine’s making a comeback!)
by Maize n Brew Dave on Mar 20, 2008 6:39 PM EDT reply actions
Meth is reserved for the Tennessee list, never fear.
by Holly on Mar 20, 2008 6:51 PM EDT reply actions
They have to wait to do Michigan as all of their tears over losing Terrelle Pryor have flooded the midwest.
I’m sure they will tell you of their academic (now deebunked) and athletic superiority which hasn’t manifested in a championship for five seasons. Hypocrites and arrogant, two great things that go great together, that is Michigan.
by Crabapple Buck on Mar 20, 2008 8:21 PM EDT reply actions
Debunked has only one e in it. I need a new keyboard.
by Crabapple Buck on Mar 20, 2008 8:23 PM EDT reply actions
They are also known for Pierre Pierce, enough said.
by ballgame on Mar 20, 2008 9:01 PM EDT reply actions
Sort of like assholes and omnipresent, the two not so great things about Buckeyes?
by Clem on Mar 20, 2008 9:30 PM EDT reply actions
DC Trojan (#7) – sportsman’s fart is when there is some risk involved… like you’re not sure if it’s going to be a dry fart, a wet fart, or semi-liquid wolf bait, so you roll the dice and take your chances.
by Out of Conference on Mar 20, 2008 10:11 PM EDT reply actions
Let’s not forget the Black and Gold person’s preferred living location: Minneapolis/St. Paul.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Mar 20, 2008 11:41 PM EDT reply actions
26: the greater Chicagoland area is coughing conspicuously.
by Oops Pow Surprise on Mar 21, 2008 12:28 AM EDT reply actions
Here’s the one thing I know about Iowa football: The less passes Jake Christiansen completes, the better off the team is. I mean, fuck, who completes four passes and somehow leads his team to victory (e.g. Iowa v. MSU, 2007)?
by Ground0EastLansing on Mar 21, 2008 12:59 AM EDT reply actions
Like most Americans I think Iowa and I think James Tiberious Kirk. Didn’t get no Kirk in your article. Where the hell was Kirk.
by Ben on Mar 21, 2008 3:37 AM EDT reply actions
I think I read somewhere that Iowa dominates in High School wrestling.
Where as Texas would sell out 80,000 seat domes for football, Iowa would do the same thing for wrestling.
True/untrue?
by Ryno on Mar 21, 2008 8:33 AM EDT reply actions
Drake should change their mascot to the Mallards to liven up an utterly bland state. The only place I’ve seen worse is McAlester, OK. And all of Nebraska.
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 21, 2008 8:42 AM EDT reply actions
I’m so f’ing old. The first thing I thought of as missing about folks who wear black and gold is that there’s nothing halfway about the Iowa way to treat you, which they may not do at all, and that they can stand touchin’ noses for a week at a time and never see eye to eye.
On the other hand, maybe it’s not my age that cues up musical theater. Yep. First, medicinal wine from a teaspoon then beer from a bottle. Oh, we got trouble.
by NCT on Mar 21, 2008 9:14 AM EDT reply actions
- - Yes, but nonetheless still strangely effective.
Also, I woke up morning, and completely forgot that I posted last night. Things Green and White people like: blacking out. I am thisclose to completely forgetting John L. Smith ever happened.
by Ground0EastLansing on Mar 21, 2008 9:44 AM EDT reply actions
Things Black and Gold People DON’T like: posting regularly on EDSBS.
by hater on Mar 21, 2008 11:30 AM EDT reply actions
On the subject of Superiority, i.e. there being worse things…like being a Cyclone fan, explain the 5 field goals last September’s annual football game (15-13). Sure, we didn’t score a touchdown, but I thought the object of the game was to score the most points at the end of 4 quarters, right? What made it even better is a die-hard Hawkeye gave me a ticket to the game.
And in basketball, even without Alford, there was no contest. We had a Haluska on our roster, but he sat on the bench most of the game, so that’s not an excuse.
I guess they’ll get us in baseball every year… since Iowa State dropped it as an official sport.
What’s to be said about the Big Ten conference having 11 teams? The Big XII can count better.
Not bad to be a ’Clone.
by 'Clone to the Bone on Mar 21, 2008 12:11 PM EDT reply actions
Me too, Pants McPants…me too. He’s usually the first thing that comes to mind when I think Iowa Athletics.
by PeteJayhawk on Mar 21, 2008 12:12 PM EDT reply actions
@38 and 42. Favorite JJ moment was seeing dude from IU throw an inbounds pass off his face.
by JF4IA on Mar 21, 2008 1:10 PM EDT reply actions
I know two separate individuals who graduated from Iowa who named their sons Hayden. No Niles yet.
Hawkeye Vodka will most likely be the reasoning behind that liver transplant I’m gonna need soon.
by dmbmeg on Mar 21, 2008 1:33 PM EDT reply actions
If Iowa is moderately obese, what are the states to the south? Are Floridans large enough to support their own moon?
Iowans are just like everyone else, except their 12 year old girls don’t whore themselves out for their $3000 per week cocaine habit.
Thats right Cally, I’m talking to you.
by meatybob on Mar 21, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions
Hah! You missed the largest, goldest thing seen on earth since the Big Nugget of the gold rush of 1849 — namely, Bob Huggins gold suit: http://i.tsn.com//i/photos/20080131/86103.jpg
Don’t look directly at it, however. You have been warned.
by James Schrumpf on Mar 21, 2008 2:24 PM EDT reply actions
Beautifully done, OPS!!!
“…there’s more dew than usual,” indeed! Hilarious stuff.
by Bucketochicken on Mar 21, 2008 5:50 PM EDT reply actions
Last photo, denim tuxedo, very rare sighting around these parts.
Super pleated pants to boot…
Sweetness.
by Irwin Fletcher on Mar 21, 2008 6:19 PM EDT reply actions
yeah, that’s a fly suit huggy-bear is wearing, however, check the shoes! i hate the “i don’t want to graduate ANY of my players” sack of crap, but give him credit for this, dude got an A+ in coordination class.
by King Donut on Mar 21, 2008 10:17 PM EDT reply actions
I have to contend a couple of OPS’s (OPS’? OPSs’?) assertions.
“Hey Baby” is a song the Iowa marching band plays (stolen from another B10 band, as is anything they play that isn’t “Hey Jude,” Journey or Styx) so it’s perfectly acceptable to play versions of it at tailgates. That isn’t to say that things don’t take a while to reach us, but that isn’t a valid example.
“Fried everything” may fly in most places, but around Iowa City itself it’s all about organic things bought in bulk from Pioneer Co-op and failed attempts at making authentic “ethnic” food (I learned recently that you absolutely don’t put okra in gumbo… who knew?)
And I’m not sure what Hawkeye tailgates you’ve been to, but the ones I go to usually have desserts in bar or ball form, and Hawks always make a concerted effort to grill something. This ranges everywhere from “a hamburger” for 11 AM kickoffs, to “whole hog on the spit” for evening kickoffs. And being such a big pork producing state, chunks of pig are usually very tasty… there’s one person at every tailgate who got his grillables from his father in law’s hog/cattle/emu farm, and it’s “always superior” to what they sell at the supermarket.
Also, I hate the Nadas.
by rocky on Mar 22, 2008 10:39 AM EDT reply actions
@50 – I must disagree on the notion that real gumbo doesn’t include okra. While it is perfectly acceptable to make gumbo using something else as a thickening agent, the very word “gumbo” comes from kingombo, which is Angolan for okra.
by NCT on Mar 22, 2008 7:55 PM EDT reply actions
What do they call a drug ring in Iowa City? A huddle.
by ballgame on Mar 23, 2008 8:59 AM EDT reply actions
In my experience when someone comments about having a white guy play ball the way that it is supposed to be played, and then has to comment that they are not racist, they are! And typically they have no vertical, handles, or a jumper, and have no friends with talent either. I’m not saying that Drake is not good and fun to watch but there are plenty of white guys and black guys that play basketball the right way! And there are white guys and black guys that play the game the wrong way! Just because you have more talent then someone else doesn’t mean you don’t play the right way!
Often minority athletes are criticizes for not playing hard because it doesn’t look like they are working hard.
FYI- the better athlete you are, the easier it looks because you are good at it and the movements are natural for you!
Less athletic people look like they are working harder because it is harder for them!
Michael Johnson holds world records in the 200 and 400 meters and was criticized for not running hard. I ran track and anyone who breaks 20 seconds in a 200m and 44 sec in the 400m is working hard! Trust me!
Don’t hate because someone is blessed with natural ability and the motions are more natural for them than they are for others!
by wrestling mom on Mar 26, 2008 11:56 AM EDT reply actions
bevo @ 27 – you’re probably not gonna see this, but I’m a semi-proud Grinnell alum.
by Signal to Noise on Mar 26, 2008 12:41 PM EDT reply actions
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