RYAN PERRILOUX CREATES THE FUTURE WITH WORDS

by Orson on Mar 18, 2008 11:36 AM EDT

Apocryphal stories are the best, since even when they may not be completely true their semantic strength holds up most of the time. Why? Because somewhere in that crusty Combo of potential fiction lies the delicious nacho-flavored vegetable shortening of truth.

Like that, times ten.

We received this story about club-rockin', alleged money-launderin', baby-kissin', wife-stealin', and wheelin' and dealin' Ryan Perrilloux, LSU qb and bayou sybarite. The following takes place in a strip club, and has been edited to include two abbreviated profanities and protect the identities of those who may have seen it.

SCENE! And in (silent finger count 3-2-1...)

West BR strip joint last week when RP and Shomari Clemons came in. The two of them behaved themselves (evidently smart enough to know that being tigers won't keep them from getting an ass whipping if they screw up in a bar. Come to think of it, RP has personal experience with that.) RP told the guy that he is still on the team and will be starting QB next fall.

Then as RP is leaving he yells at the top of his lungs "You motherfuckers are looking at the next 60 motherfucking Million Dollar Man!"

King Kong ain't got shit on Ryan Perriloux! As the tipster points out, Perrilloux's of drinking age and has every right--yes, dammit, a right--to be in a strip club and can consume alcohol legally as an adult. (A guy who's stealing our strip club exit line, though, has got to get some new material. We've been saying that shit for years.)

LSU fans should treasure the golden jewel they have, though: a rampaging jewel of a man-beast with passions for all the finest things in life. His strip clubs, you must open them to him; your Hennessy and Hypnotiq, you must mix into a tasty green brew for him. Your abundantly gifted ladies of pleasing proportions, you must bring to his crib in numbers. His empire shall be called Perrilousiana, and it will be be flyer than the United States Air Force high on mushrooms. All else is but frippery, my friends. Let the luxuriaciousness begin.

The next 400 pound LSU quarterback starting in the NFL is en route. Make sure to pave the way with pure platinum, Baton Rouge. (God, this is going to be fun.)

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Comments

RP is quickly turning into the Britney Spears of college football. Hope somebody informs him between now and August that a “5150 hold” isn’t in Crowton’s offensive playbook.

by Doug on Mar 18, 2008 11:40 AM EDT reply actions

I don’t know… RP wouldn’t just go spouting off at the mouth about his future football accolades, would he?

by Out of Conference on Mar 18, 2008 11:47 AM EDT reply actions

Luxuriaciousness

-adjective

(1). The very mostest luxury based on availabilitiness.
(2). Having blingocity

by hunglikehussain on Mar 18, 2008 12:04 PM EDT reply actions

Ryan Perrilloux’s rapidly approaching Guerilla Black to Slow Laboring Jog JMC’s Biggie status

by WorstFan on Mar 18, 2008 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

“your Hennessy and Hypnotiq, you must mix into a tasty green brew for him”

Edward Norton finds this entertaining to say the least.

by TideDruid on Mar 18, 2008 12:12 PM EDT reply actions

Ryan’s suspension started over and argument with Coach Miles because he wanted to be allowed to wear one of Ric Flair’s robes on the sidelines.

But with his new contract, only Les Miles is allowed to be custom made…

by Billy in Baton Rouge on Mar 18, 2008 12:13 PM EDT reply actions

Is that Nick Saban behind that lens-flare?

by NewAZTiger on Mar 18, 2008 12:14 PM EDT reply actions

Yes, but a good 59.9 million of those bills are counterfeit. I think they’re called Llouxnies.

by jakldawg on Mar 18, 2008 12:32 PM EDT reply actions

“SCENE! And in (silent finger count 3-2-1)”

wayne…garth…please don’t count along…we can see your lips moving.

by gerry dorsey on Mar 18, 2008 12:39 PM EDT reply actions

I’ve charted Perrilloux to be a #1 pick at Angola.

by Allahver Fist on Mar 18, 2008 12:42 PM EDT reply actions

Do strippers take personal checks?

by Brian on Mar 18, 2008 12:51 PM EDT reply actions

#10
AF, A running back with an eyepatch..damn.

by CapstoneAlum on Mar 18, 2008 1:08 PM EDT reply actions

That $60 million his bail after knifing Mack Brown in the back, because, you know, that’s how he rolls?

by NoleinTexas on Mar 18, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions

We know you all enjoy clowning LSU or anyone who is involved with them, but remember who has the crystal ball for this year. More importantly who is next in line to be crowned for the team who has the crystal ball.

So just as Perilloux could care less what you all think of him, neither does any LSU fan….

by TigerfromBR on Mar 18, 2008 1:49 PM EDT reply actions

13-

I don’t think his bail would be that high, given that his victim is a lowly snake oil salesman…

by chuy on Mar 18, 2008 1:49 PM EDT reply actions

That was quite humorific.

by hunglikehussain on Mar 18, 2008 1:50 PM EDT reply actions

New ad!

Sexy custom undies! The new Mrs. Walker!

Can you get something printed on the “front butt” side?

by hunglikehussain on Mar 18, 2008 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

Might this be Todd Marinovich’s bastard little brother?

by Mike and His Four Noble Truths on Mar 18, 2008 2:15 PM EDT reply actions

hunglikehussain @ 16 – maybe something like “for best results, apply external pressure”? Better than “contents may have settled during shipping.”

If you got one of those for the lady in your life, you could reasonably expect a pair of boxers emblazoned with “contents sold by weight not volume.” It’s a real race to the bottom, so to speak.

by DC Trojan on Mar 18, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

check the email that sent you this story. I bet it came from jarretleeqb@lsu.com.

by Last Dragon on Mar 18, 2008 2:23 PM EDT reply actions

The panties for minors come straight from the tags on your mattress: “Do not remove under penalty of law.”

by Brian on Mar 18, 2008 3:08 PM EDT reply actions

-1 to #14 for no sense of humor and using the verb clowning. Most tigahs are way more fun.

by JoesDeliGatorTail on Mar 18, 2008 3:26 PM EDT reply actions

I think you wondered onto the wrong site. A sense of humor is required around these parts.

by Because They Can on Mar 18, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

#14.
stop sucking.

we lsu fans should applaud RP showing up on time for something, regardless if it is the free happy hour wings at the local strip joint.

Rp for Heisman.

by CK on Mar 18, 2008 4:28 PM EDT reply actions

Where’s LSUJoshua at to kick #14 squarely in the corn dog.

by Out of Conference on Mar 18, 2008 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

#14

Take your spoilsportuality elsewhere!

by hunglikehussain on Mar 18, 2008 5:01 PM EDT reply actions

- If I know Josh, he was probably kicking it at the club with RP and is currently sleeping it off.

by Last Dragon on Mar 18, 2008 5:54 PM EDT reply actions

@14
So, if PerryLoo COULD care less, that means he, and all the other LSU fans you cite, DO care, at least a little. And I think that’s adorable.

by NativeSon on Mar 18, 2008 8:49 PM EDT reply actions

@14

Be happy the team is good enough to warrant even bad “press.” I mean, look at Vandy — if Bob Johnson got knifed by a disgruntled punter during a threesome, it probably wouldn’t even get mentioned. Okay maybe it would, but you get my point.

by lsufiend on Mar 18, 2008 11:06 PM EDT reply actions

- Good point indeed!

by Out of Conference on Mar 19, 2008 9:46 AM EDT reply actions

As a Longhorn fan, I am newly rooting for fail. Epic if possible, please.

by Tector Gorch on Mar 19, 2008 7:37 PM EDT reply actions

RP is nothing but a thug. He will be booted soon. He cannot stay out of trouble. LSU can thank the BCS for screwing Georgia out of the NC. Georgia is going to whore the tiglets this fall in their own backyard with or without RP.

by AWGUAM on Mar 30, 2008 4:20 PM EDT reply actions