PUT IT DOWN, OLD MAN, PUT. IT. DOWN!
by Orson on Mar 18, 2008 3:26 PM EDT
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PrintBeano Cook is not dead. On the contrary, Beano still walks the earth. We mean walk, too: Beano doesn't own a car, and hasn't for years. His lack of wheels means he made this interview by phone, most likely, and most likely a phone that has a thick green cord and rings with a real, non-digital bell:
Dead...if you mean dead sexy."The Big Ten is going down faster than the dollar," longtime ESPN college football analyst Beano Cook said. "It's basically the fourth-best conference behind the SEC, Pac-10 and Big 12."
Beano's uncovered an important trend: the irrevocable damage the switch the gold standard has had on the Big Ten. Fueled by the gold of robber barons made rich through industries that thrive in the midwest--breweries, home suicide machine factories, and Sansabelt pant outlets, for examples--the Big Ten claimed 18 national championships between 1920 and 1971. Once gold became less essential to establishing value in the economy, the Big Ten has only won two championships since. (Penn State's titles during the period came when they were independent.)
The answer is obvious: re-establish the gold standard, and soon we'll all be proudly driving American cars and spending doubloons again to get to the game of the year for 2017: Minnesota versus Illinois, baby. Once Ohio State fans invade Kentucky and claim the booty at Fort Knox, the conference can ride to the greatness it once knew like Conquistadors ravaging the plains for oro! (BTW: Minnesota owned the Depression, winning four national titles between 1931 and 1940, presumably because everyone else was faint and dizzy from eating their own shoes. Walleye contains significantly more protein than a boiled pair of size 9 wingtips.)
The Subcommandante will be happy to lead the way, as long as you don't run too fast, man, because his foot is totally killing him and he would get it looked at, but insurance is expensive, and that ain't happening because he ain't voting for no Muslim chick for president. Freedom means his foot's gotta pull itself up by its own bootstraps man. Plus, he's gotta save up for his WoW expansion pack, and that, like freedom, isnt' free, man.
(Or it could just be the combination of cyclical downturn, a slow reaction to the sudden uptick in football spending by the other big conferences, a demographic shift towards the Sun Belt, and unfortunate matchups in bowl games. But the gold standard explanation is way cooler, because it involves whole bars of gold, matey! GOLD!)
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I refuse to accept the comparison of the SEC, Pac-10, and Big 12 being compared with the Euro.
by Anonymous IV on Mar 18, 2008 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
How much did you say these Chizik nickels are worth?
by Orangeblood on Mar 18, 2008 3:57 PM EDT reply actions
Good stuff…..the Pac-10 has sucked lately outside of USC, the B12 has won nothing without Vince Young (Kansas and Missouri were ONE year, and OK took a break for 5 years there, before losing to a Big East team without a coach in their “comeback” year),
The B10 has had UM, Illinois, Iowa and Penn State in BCS games since 2002, along with OSU’s 3 NC appearances in those seven years. (OSU is still 4-2 in BCS games)
Nobody has a memory longer than one season anymore. Course for Beano that’s a season longer than I’d expect.
Let’s face it, the SEC is number one right now, and numbers two through four are impossible to measure.
by Pants McPants on Mar 18, 2008 4:00 PM EDT reply actions
The Big 10 needs a talent injection – like a 4 heisman Ron Powlus
by DanF on Mar 18, 2008 4:03 PM EDT reply actions
I think Nixon killed the Big Ten. That ratfink bastard always did have a warm place in his cold heart for the SWC.
by Lawrence Ross on Mar 18, 2008 4:05 PM EDT reply actions
“the Big Ten claimed 18 national championships between 1920 and 1971.”
Pfft… Alabama laughs at their paltry total.
by CincySooner on Mar 18, 2008 4:23 PM EDT reply actions
agriculture. the answer is agriculture.
by woooooohooooooooo on Mar 18, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions
- 9 wins.
Why is this even up for discussion, other than wondering why, today, anyone from the Sun Belt would be interested in attending college at any school, other than Northwestern, in the Big Televen?
by Coop on Mar 18, 2008 4:28 PM EDT reply actions
Beano lost it, somewhere around 3 chins ago.
by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 18, 2008 4:35 PM EDT reply actions
Big 10 coaches keep wondering why they get shut out of SEC country…they still tie an onion in their belt and everything.
by Billy in Baton Rouge on Mar 18, 2008 4:49 PM EDT reply actions
4th best conference overall? Behind the Pac 10, SEC, and Big 12? That’s it?
Well, according to “our guy” Kirk Herbstreit we’re somewhere between the MAC and the WAC, so this is news to me.
by poguemahone on Mar 18, 2008 4:53 PM EDT reply actions
They should get Ryan Perrilloux to transfer to a Big Ten school and they wouldn’t need to worry about gold. As it stands, if this keeps up, Delaney will be caught trying to get the hookup with a $3,000 an hour high school coach from the South.
by Out of Conference on Mar 18, 2008 4:55 PM EDT reply actions
The SoCon is upset w/ Beano for putting them behind the Beeg TenEleven. For that matter, so is the Beeeg East.
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 18, 2008 4:57 PM EDT reply actions
No, no, no, Beano — the correct comparison is “going down faster than ‘Kristen’ on ‘Client 9.’” Dude, your humor is so not topical.
by Doug on Mar 18, 2008 5:03 PM EDT reply actions
Beano has me confused with someone who gives a fuck what he says.
by Crabapple Buck on Mar 18, 2008 5:13 PM EDT reply actions
I grew up about 20 minutes away from the Sansabelt pant factory, and yet, the streets were not paved with this robber-baron gold of which you speak.
That said, comfortable waistbands were pretty much required by local ordinance.
by Papa Lou BSU on Mar 18, 2008 5:48 PM EDT reply actions
In most of Big 10 country comfortable waistbands are pretty much required by local eating habits.
by oc phil on Mar 18, 2008 7:04 PM EDT reply actions
Buckeyes taking Fort Knox? Surely you jest. Aint no stinking Buckeyes getting anywhere close to Fort Knox, Buckwheat.
by citiesaregreat on Mar 18, 2008 8:55 PM EDT reply actions
#6
The Pac-10 far from sucks outside of USC is a common misconception from people who don’t watch the Pac-10.
As a conference, it’s not quite as good as the SEC (though the computers say the Pac-10 is better,) but it is by far the closest any other conference gets.
by janus09 on Mar 18, 2008 11:06 PM EDT reply actions
ACC ruuuulllzzzz w00t!!! SEC drooooolllzzz, we pwn your a$$es!! ACC 4 ever.
by Brian on Mar 19, 2008 9:30 AM EDT reply actions
hahahahahahaha the ACC probably wants everyone on the tobacco standard… comparatively speaking… the Big East is morelike the Euro…. up in value, though alot of people fail to acknowledge its success because its not what theyre used to
by beckett929 on Mar 19, 2008 10:04 AM EDT reply actions
“As a conference, itÂ’s not quite as good as the SEC (though the computers say the Pac-10 is better,) but it is by far the closest any other conference gets.”
That would have to be the programming work of either that dolt Sagarin or a semi-trained monkey. Never trust a monkey…or a Sagarin.
by Because They Can on Mar 19, 2008 11:13 AM EDT reply actions
The Big Ten has very poor depth, and definitely not benefited from OSU going to the title game these past 2 years. I do think it is on the way back up though, provided Iowa and Minnesota get their acts together.
Other than that, I guess I blame NAFTA.
by PTTO on Mar 19, 2008 1:26 PM EDT reply actions
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