CURIOUS INDEX, 3/18/08
by Orson on Mar 18, 2008 9:52 AM EDT
Email
Print |
||
|
Boom, motherfucker! Will Muschamp on Texas' spring practice, profanity-free but obviously amped. Reporter: "Are you aware you're a star on Youtube?" Muschamp: "My wife told me that. I don't know if that's a good thing." Gary Patterson, wordsmith. Have you ever spoken with someone who has a three-year old? Or even worse, someone with a pair of toddlers? They're borderline retarded and have this kind of thousand-yard stare, that if you look very carefully, you can see Dora the Explorer standing at the end of. With a gun. That must explain the recently noted discrepancy in the superior PR skills and loquacity of basketball coaches, who we've noticed seem a bit less stressed and more eloquent than their gridiron counterparts. (None of them are Lionel Trilling discoursing on post-colonial British literature, mind you. But they're definitely a bit smoother.) See TCU's Gary Patterson, for example: "You're only as good as your weakest link," TCU coach Gary Patterson said. "Our spring ball is probably tougher than most. That's where we get our physicalness." Physicalness, like aggressiveness, is a made-up bit of verbiage: physicality and aggression should be the preferred diction in each case, though we can't really knock Patterson for it, since he's not paid to use words correctly, unlike someone like Merrill Hoge. (Hoge's word choice and speech are to commentary what the Dustin Diamond sex tape is to fucking: a clumsy, awkward, and ultimately shitty exercise you regret even beginning.) You can find physicalness on dictionary.com, but probably not in your dusty analog version, and there's a reason: it's a lesser variant of the more potent physicality. The point is: football coaches have so much more to worry about than basketball coaches, and consequently are human beings worn down to nubs, which might explain why you hear them saying the same things over and over again. They do it because on their huge rosters, there's one skull so thick that even the thousandth repetition of a rule doesn't sink in. And by this, we mean the Marcus Thomases of the world. (Spark it up, big guy! You're in the league now.) Duke players received IVs following a brutal spring practice. Another six collapsed with air embolisms after it was discovered that putting Pellegrino into your veins is a very, very bad idea. Mark Mangino ate two scholarships at Kansas, and the administration has concocted an elaborate cover-up involving something about Kansas not meeting scholarship requirements. Boise State's tinkering again. This time, it's with the Nevada pistol formation, but Chris Petersen's no plagiarist. Seriously. He's never had an original idea in his life. I dont think Ive ever had an original idea, Petersen said. Everything we do has been taken from somebody. We make no bones about it. Thats how we do things. We take things that we like and we try to marry them into our offense. |
||
 |
||
24 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Wait, don’t football coaches have more to worry about than basketball coaches?
by PW on Mar 18, 2008 9:54 AM EDT reply actions
“Hoges word choice and speech are to commentary what the Dustin Diamond sex tape is to fucking: a clumsy, awkward, and ultimately shitty exercise you regret even beginning.”
100 Cocktails to you, motherfucker. Brilliant.
by Billy in Baton Rouge on Mar 18, 2008 10:01 AM EDT reply actions
Does Muschamp do corn all day?
Nobody should jaw like that at 3 in the afternoon…
by Leopold Stotch on Mar 18, 2008 10:18 AM EDT reply actions
I love that Mrs. Muschamp is aware of her husband’s interweb legend. One can only home that their pillowtalk consists of her comparing her body to a slow running back left exposed by a pulling guard who tripped, and asking for the Boom Motherfucker.
by okiedomer on Mar 18, 2008 10:18 AM EDT reply actions
I was unaware that Muschamp spoke any words besides profanity.
by haybeav on Mar 18, 2008 10:24 AM EDT reply actions
the Muschamp interview is the vision of a future head coach before the big check comes in
he is the picture of the “guy I want on my team”
by Futbawl Fan on Mar 18, 2008 10:44 AM EDT reply actions
At Auburn we toyed with the label “Mr. Intensity” for Will Muschamp, but figured it was grossly inadequate in describing his personality. He is exactly as he seems – the kind of coach defensive players dream of playing for: a jump-in-your-arms-profanity-spewing-maniac who just happens to be one of the brightest minds in the game today. I hate it he left Auburn, I hate it that Texas robbed us twice for great Defensive Coordinators, but I can’t say I don’t still like Will ‘Boom Motherfucker’ Mushchamp. He’s just too good a coach to hate.
I just hope when he gets his head coaching job, it is outside the SEC. Then I would have to hate him.
by Sullivan on Mar 18, 2008 10:50 AM EDT reply actions
Gary Patterson has all the style and sophistication of…well, of a college football coach, actually. No doubt this little entry will launch another storm of controversy on the TCU message board, where we’ve already discussed at nauseating length GP’s propensity to hitch up his pants during games and his choice to wear a black shirt that didn’t have a TCU logo on it. And you thought only the SEC had real football fans…
by Boston Frog on Mar 18, 2008 1:04 PM EDT reply actions
Hey, if you’re going to point out Patterson’s word misuse you should also note Muschamp’s new word: “upheavaled”. The man is too damn intense to wait around for his mouth to produce “in a state of”.
by Kahuna on Mar 18, 2008 1:41 PM EDT reply actions
Not buying it on Will. I love to see old Dawgs find success, but against his alma mater he’s not so great. Granted, his defenses gave up 10 and 13 points to UGA in ‘03, but since the MNC for LSU it’s like the OJ crime scene: 45 points in ’04, 37 in ’06 and 45 in ’07.
We’ll see I guess. He’s at a good jump off point to head coach-dom.
by UgasTexan on Mar 18, 2008 1:55 PM EDT reply actions
Oh, and… with Texas talent in Austin and the piss-poor Big XII feasting schedule, all he has to do is keep OU to 20 or so points and he’ll be very successful.
by UgasTexan on Mar 18, 2008 1:56 PM EDT reply actions
Get ready, folks. If Tennessee collapses (which might happen) and Muschamp can fix that Texas defense and shut down Oklahoma, A&M and T-Tech (which will be his hardest task of the year), he’ll be belting Rocky Top at a 2009 introductory press conference. You watch
by bigern on Mar 18, 2008 2:22 PM EDT reply actions
There’s a simpler though decidedly less generous explanation for why some football coaches struggle to speak proper English.
by Chg on Mar 18, 2008 2:57 PM EDT reply actions
I dont think Ive ever had an original idea, Petersen said. Everything we do has been taken from somebody. We make no bones about it. Thats how we do things. We take things that we like and we try to marry them into our offense.
Like cheerleaders, for example.
by Andrew on Mar 18, 2008 3:05 PM EDT reply actions
i like how 15 and 16 note that all muschamp has to do is shut down OU’s offense like it’s a pretty simple task – i mean, who couldn’t shut down the nation’s #1 rated QB (as a freshman) and one of the two best freshman RBs in the nation last year?
boom motherfucker’s got it made…
by okiedomer on Mar 18, 2008 3:21 PM EDT reply actions
+1000 cocktails to #20. That was a quick smackdown if I ever saw one.
by Jeff from LA on Mar 19, 2008 1:29 AM EDT reply actions
“Coach, how thick is your… playbook?”
“As thick as it needs to be.”
Boom muthafucka, indeed.
by George on Mar 19, 2008 3:37 AM EDT reply actions
Okiedomer, you missed the point. No one – or at least I didn’t – implied that it’s a simple task to shut down OU’s offense (unless, of course, you count Mr. fattus’s comment); but that there is only one game of any significance on the Texas schedule: OU. The rest of the Big XII is… well… not the most challenging league.
by UgasTexan on Mar 19, 2008 11:52 AM EDT reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
