THE WORST PART ABOUT SPRING…
…is when this happens. Not. Fair.
March 18, 2008
PUT IT DOWN, OLD MAN, PUT. IT. DOWN!
Beano Cook is not dead. On the contrary, Beano still walks the earth. We mean walk, too: Beano doesn’t own a car, and hasn’t for years. His lack of wheels means he made this interview by phone, most likely, and most likely a phone that has a thick green cord and rings with a real, non-digital bell:
Dead…if you mean dead sexy.“The Big Ten is going down faster than the dollar,” longtime ESPN college football analyst Beano Cook said. “It’s basically the fourth-best conference behind the SEC, Pac-10 and Big 12.”
Beano’s uncovered an important trend: the irrevocable damage the switch the gold standard has had on the Big Ten. Fueled by the gold of robber barons made rich through industries that thrive in the midwest–breweries, home suicide machine factories, and Sansabelt pant outlets, for examples–the Big Ten claimed 18 national championships between 1920 and 1971. Once gold became less essential to establishing value in the economy, the Big Ten has only won two championships since. (Penn State’s titles during the period came when they were independent.)
The answer is obvious: re-establish the gold standard, and soon we’ll all be proudly driving American cars and spending doubloons again to get to the game of the year for 2017: Minnesota versus Illinois, baby. Once Ohio State fans invade Kentucky and claim the booty at Fort Knox, the conference can ride to the greatness it once knew like Conquistadors ravaging the plains for oro! (BTW: Minnesota owned the Depression, winning four national titles between 1931 and 1940, presumably because everyone else was faint and dizzy from eating their own shoes. Walleye contains significantly more protein than a boiled pair of size 9 wingtips.)
The Subcommandante will be happy to lead the way, as long as you don’t run too fast, man, because his foot is totally killing him and he would get it looked at, but insurance is expensive, and that ain’t happening because he ain’t voting for no Muslim chick for president. Freedom means his foot’s gotta pull itself up by its own bootstraps man. Plus, he’s gotta save up for his WoW expansion pack, and that, like freedom, isnt’ free, man.
(Or it could just be the combination of cyclical downturn, a slow reaction to the sudden uptick in football spending by the other big conferences, a demographic shift towards the Sun Belt, and unfortunate matchups in bowl games. But the gold standard explanation is way cooler, because it involves whole bars of gold, matey! GOLD!)
OBSESSION, FOR MEN: PERFUME BY SMQ
SMQ’s already on the long march toward the season with his extremely premature assessment of Ball State. Did you know that both David Letterman and Jim Davis both graduated from Ball State? (Garfield Without Garfield, btw, really is better than the strip ever was, even to seven year old eyes.) Or that the founder of Papa John’s pizza bought the naming rights to Louisville’s Stadium, but is REALLY A BALL STATE ALUM?!?!?!?!
This and actual football-like content, all in one package. Oh, and one more fun fact: David Letterman’s private charity is named The American Foundation for Courtesy and Grooming. This and the 80 ton hydraulic press skit are enough to merit canonization for America’s gaptoothed saint.
Thanks, Dave. You’re the reason our student loans are twice what they should be. In all fairness, though, it was pretty sweet convincing Citibank to pay for an International Affairs Masters and our own 80 ton hydraulic press.
RYAN PERRILOUX CREATES THE FUTURE WITH WORDS
Apocryphal stories are the best, since even when they may not be completely true their semantic strength holds up most of the time. Why? Because somewhere in that crusty Combo of potential fiction lies the delicious nacho-flavored vegetable shortening of truth.
Like that, times ten.We received this story about club-rockin’, alleged money-launderin’, baby-kissin’, wife-stealin’, and wheelin’ and dealin’ Ryan Perrilloux, LSU qb and bayou sybarite. The following takes place in a strip club, and has been edited to include two abbreviated profanities and protect the identities of those who may have seen it.
SCENE! And in (silent finger count 3-2-1…)
West BR strip joint last week when RP and Shomari Clemons came in. The two of them behaved themselves (evidently smart enough to know that being tigers won’t keep them from getting an ass whipping if they screw up in a bar. Come to think of it, RP has personal experience with that.) RP told the guy that he is still on the team and will be starting QB next fall.
Then as RP is leaving he yells at the top of his lungs “You motherfuckers are looking at the next 60 motherfucking Million Dollar Man!”
King Kong ain’t got shit on Ryan Perriloux! As the tipster points out, Perrilloux’s of drinking age and has every right–yes, dammit, a right–to be in a strip club and can consume alcohol legally as an adult. (A guy who’s stealing our strip club exit line, though, has got to get some new material. We’ve been saying that shit for years.)
LSU fans should treasure the golden jewel they have, though: a rampaging jewel of a man-beast with passions for all the finest things in life. His strip clubs, you must open them to him; your Hennessy and Hypnotiq, you must mix into a tasty green brew for him. Your abundantly gifted ladies of pleasing proportions, you must bring to his crib in numbers. His empire shall be called Perrilousiana, and it will be be flyer than the United States Air Force high on mushrooms. All else is but frippery, my friends. Let the luxuriaciousness begin.
The next 400 pound LSU quarterback starting in the NFL is en route. Make sure to pave the way with pure platinum, Baton Rouge. (God, this is going to be fun.)
CURIOUS INDEX, 3/18/08
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Boom, motherfucker! Will Muschamp on Texas’ spring practice, profanity-free but obviously amped. Reporter: “Are you aware you’re a star on Youtube?” Muschamp: “My wife told me that. I don’t know if that’s a good thing.” Gary Patterson, wordsmith. Have you ever spoken with someone who has a three-year old? Or even worse, someone with a pair of toddlers? They’re borderline retarded and have this kind of thousand-yard stare, that if you look very carefully, you can see Dora the Explorer standing at the end of. With a gun. That must explain the recently noted discrepancy in the superior PR skills and loquacity of basketball coaches, who we’ve noticed seem a bit less stressed and more eloquent than their gridiron counterparts. (None of them are Lionel Trilling discoursing on post-colonial British literature, mind you. But they’re definitely a bit smoother.) See TCU’s Gary Patterson, for example: “You’re only as good as your weakest link,” TCU coach Gary Patterson said. “Our spring ball is probably tougher than most. That’s where we get our physicalness.” Physicalness, like aggressiveness, is a made-up bit of verbiage: physicality and aggression should be the preferred diction in each case, though we can’t really knock Patterson for it, since he’s not paid to use words correctly, unlike someone like Merrill Hoge. (Hoge’s word choice and speech are to commentary what the Dustin Diamond sex tape is to fucking: a clumsy, awkward, and ultimately shitty exercise you regret even beginning.) You can find physicalness on dictionary.com, but probably not in your dusty analog version, and there’s a reason: it’s a lesser variant of the more potent physicality. The point is: football coaches have so much more to worry about than basketball coaches, and consequently are human beings worn down to nubs, which might explain why you hear them saying the same things over and over again. They do it because on their huge rosters, there’s one skull so thick that even the thousandth repetition of a rule doesn’t sink in. And by this, we mean the Marcus Thomases of the world. (Spark it up, big guy! You’re in the league now.) Duke players received IVs following a brutal spring practice. Another six collapsed with air embolisms after it was discovered that putting Pellegrino into your veins is a very, very bad idea. Mark Mangino ate two scholarships at Kansas, and the administration has concocted an elaborate cover-up involving something about Kansas not meeting scholarship requirements. Boise State’s tinkering again. This time, it’s with the Nevada pistol formation, but Chris Petersen’s no plagiarist. Seriously. He’s never had an original idea in his life. “I don’t think I’ve ever had an original idea,” Petersen said. “Everything we do has been taken from somebody. We make no bones about it. … That’s how we do things. We take things that we like and we try to marry them into our offense.” |
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