Baron Silas Von Greenback has evil plans to keep all of you from succeeding in 2008. The first: Georgia. Today’s evil plan: Oklahoma.

Have you noticed, dear boy, that your necktie gets tighter at certain times, friend? Or for you, coach Bob Stoops, perhaps it’s your…visor. Yes, your visor. A certain…tightness about the crown of the head? Perhaps during important meetings, or during games with say…

…West Virginia in 2008?

…or with Boise State in 2007?

…or USC in 2004?

…or LSU in 2003?

Not to belabor the point, but you, Oklahoma, have been under one of the dear Baron’s most ingenious and lengthy plots: the slow torture of the CONSTRICTOVISOR, seen here on your head in one of its more effective moments.


None can escape the CONSTRICTOVISOR. Do not attempt removal.

Oh, Bob Stoops, you may not have even noticed that the Nike-approve, one-size-fits-all model you’ve worn for years now is always in your bag, never disappears on road trips, and never seems to pick up a single stain despite your wearing it non-stop for over eight seasons now. Nor, Mr. Stoops, have you been able to explain the gentle glow it emits in the dark, nor the mysterious disappearance of a sandwich from your refrigerator each Tuesday at the office. My friend, the CONSTRICTOVISOR works on two essential types of fuel: anxiety hormones and exactly one turkey club sandwich a week, something you have been unwittingly feeding it. THUS DO YOU FEED YOURSELF YOUR OWN DOOM AND SHAME!!!! AAHHHHH, THE BARON MUST LAUGH!!!

(Two minutes of raspy uninterrupted laughter follow.)

Stiletto, more champagne please! I must soothe my throat after all the merriment.

Coach Stoops, no other explanation is necessary: when your team faces huge games late in the season, my CONSTRICTOVISOR takes your otherwise superior football brain and applies a firm grip to the top of your skull, feeding off your anxiety and exactly one sandwich a week and cutting off just enough blood to your brain to diminish your coaching powers to the merely average. Yes, you have things to look forward to, Coach Stoops: the hyper-efficient play of Sam Bradford (a 36/8 TD/INT ratio as a freshman, Capital!,) the ferocious rushing of DeMarco Murray, solid play across the lines and such, and yes, your trademark ferocity on the defensive side.

And your schedule? If I wasn’t a master of evil myself–and yes, I am, aren’t I?–I would say for shame for the decadent diet of football crumpets you’re working in here: UT-Chattanooga, Cincinnati, at Washington, and Texas Christian? Some fiber, yes, so let’s not call them total crumpets. Rasberry bran crumpets, just durable enough to clean the system out before the meaty bulk of your Big 12 schedule. But then again, even in conference you’re looking at your toughest game on the road at A&M against a transitional Aggie Team, and perhaps fluky games at Oklahoma State and Kansas State.

Baron Von Greenback will help you, but only for a diamond tipped cane, Stoops.

It should be, by all signs, a smashing year for your, Coach Stoops–but all of will come to naught if CONSTRICTOVISOR is allowed to stay on your head and work its devilish, mutated magic. Oh, and it will, it will, Bob Stoops, should you not immediately wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394 tout de suite.

And perhaps you’re thinking about removing it, Coach Stoops? Or denying it that all important weekly sandwich, eh? Let us just say that that would be very, very ill-advised indeed.

Perhaps you can recoup some of your money by requesting a finders fee from West Virginia coach Bill Stewart, another one of my pawns who fell into a head coaching job thanks to CONSTRICTOVISOR! Or Steve Spurrier, who evaded my clutches until he left for the Redskins, where my operatives tagged him with an all-too-powerful version of CONSTRICTOVISOR that left him sadly and permanently impaired. Something South Carolina fans know all too well! MUHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!