BARON VON GREENBACK'S EVIL PLAN: OKLAHOMA

by Orson on Mar 13, 2008 11:46 AM EDT

Baron Silas Von Greenback has evil plans to keep all of you from succeeding in 2008. The first: Georgia. Today's evil plan: Oklahoma.

Have you noticed, dear boy, that your necktie gets tighter at certain times, friend? Or for you, coach Bob Stoops, perhaps it's your...visor. Yes, your visor. A certain...tightness about the crown of the head? Perhaps during important meetings, or during games with say...

...West Virginia in 2008?

...or with Boise State in 2007?

...or USC in 2004?

...or LSU in 2003?

Not to belabor the point, but you, Oklahoma, have been under one of the dear Baron's most ingenious and lengthy plots: the slow torture of the CONSTRICTOVISOR, seen here on your head in one of its more effective moments.

None can escape the CONSTRICTOVISOR. Do not attempt removal.

Oh, Bob Stoops, you may not have even noticed that the Nike-approve, one-size-fits-all model you've worn for years now is always in your bag, never disappears on road trips, and never seems to pick up a single stain despite your wearing it non-stop for over eight seasons now. Nor, Mr. Stoops, have you been able to explain the gentle glow it emits in the dark, nor the mysterious disappearance of a sandwich from your refrigerator each Tuesday at the office. My friend, the CONSTRICTOVISOR works on two essential types of fuel: anxiety hormones and exactly one turkey club sandwich a week, something you have been unwittingly feeding it. THUS DO YOU FEED YOURSELF YOUR OWN DOOM AND SHAME!!!! AAHHHHH, THE BARON MUST LAUGH!!!

(Two minutes of raspy uninterrupted laughter follow.)

Stiletto, more champagne please! I must soothe my throat after all the merriment.

Coach Stoops, no other explanation is necessary: when your team faces huge games late in the season, my CONSTRICTOVISOR takes your otherwise superior football brain and applies a firm grip to the top of your skull, feeding off your anxiety and exactly one sandwich a week and cutting off just enough blood to your brain to diminish your coaching powers to the merely average. Yes, you have things to look forward to, Coach Stoops: the hyper-efficient play of Sam Bradford (a 36/8 TD/INT ratio as a freshman, Capital!,) the ferocious rushing of DeMarco Murray, solid play across the lines and such, and yes, your trademark ferocity on the defensive side.

And your schedule? If I wasn't a master of evil myself--and yes, I am, aren't I?--I would say for shame for the decadent diet of football crumpets you're working in here: UT-Chattanooga, Cincinnati, at Washington, and Texas Christian? Some fiber, yes, so let's not call them total crumpets. Rasberry bran crumpets, just durable enough to clean the system out before the meaty bulk of your Big 12 schedule. But then again, even in conference you're looking at your toughest game on the road at A&M against a transitional Aggie Team, and perhaps fluky games at Oklahoma State and Kansas State.

Baron Von Greenback will help you, but only for a diamond tipped cane, Stoops.

It should be, by all signs, a smashing year for your, Coach Stoops--but all of will come to naught if CONSTRICTOVISOR is allowed to stay on your head and work its devilish, mutated magic. Oh, and it will, it will, Bob Stoops, should you not immediately wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394 tout de suite.

And perhaps you're thinking about removing it, Coach Stoops? Or denying it that all important weekly sandwich, eh? Let us just say that that would be very, very ill-advised indeed.

Perhaps you can recoup some of your money by requesting a finders fee from West Virginia coach Bill Stewart, another one of my pawns who fell into a head coaching job thanks to CONSTRICTOVISOR! Or Steve Spurrier, who evaded my clutches until he left for the Redskins, where my operatives tagged him with an all-too-powerful version of CONSTRICTOVISOR that left him sadly and permanently impaired. Something South Carolina fans know all too well! MUHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!

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Stiletto, more champagne please! I must soothe my throat after all the merriment.

Si, barone!

by now_a_hoo on Mar 13, 2008 11:56 AM EDT reply actions

If you can work in a Penfold reference next time, preferably one where he says “Oh, crumbs…”, you will be my hero.

Shit, Swindle, you already are my hero, but you’ll be new & improved herotastic.

by Kanu on Mar 13, 2008 11:58 AM EDT reply actions

The only thing does is Bob Stoops football games

by haybeav on Mar 13, 2008 12:04 PM EDT reply actions

As if GASH FAST isn’t great enough, the togetherchristian.com ad over to my right is fucking hilarious:

“Meet Christian Singles In Your Area” {who just happen to be skinny attractive blondes with huge tits who wear tank tops, arch their backs, and look at you with bedroom eyes} “Safe Christian Community”

Epic.

by Kanu on Mar 13, 2008 12:06 PM EDT reply actions

This reminds me of the movie Wedlock. Oklahoma’s last game is Rutger Hauer’ s character and Mimi Roger’s character is any BCS game. Once seperated by 30 days, the whole program explodes from the neck up.

As you were.

by Mike and His Four Noble Truths on Mar 13, 2008 12:13 PM EDT reply actions

I say “meh” to Baron von Greenback’s schedule snarking.

Let’s see: Cupcake, Bowl Team, @sub-par team, Bowl Team that beat OU the last 2 times they visited Norman… there’s far worse schedules out there among top teams.

That being said, I think fiber is exactly what this team needs early this year. The defense will need time to gel.

’Tis better to slurp down a dose of metamucil every once in a while than to choke on a schedule full of scientificly-formulated, vitamin-enriched, protien bars.

by CincySooner on Mar 13, 2008 12:15 PM EDT reply actions

Of course too much fiber (see middle-of-the-road bigXII teams) can cause anal fireworks at the most embarassing times. Here’s hoping for a balanced diet this year.

by CincySooner on Mar 13, 2008 12:19 PM EDT reply actions

I assume the CONSTRICTOVISOR works better in high-altitude places, such as Boulder.

by Ground0EastLansing on Mar 13, 2008 12:20 PM EDT reply actions

This post is sort of like a lot of those Saturday Night Live movies…its is a funny premise, belabored.

by Hossnfeffer on Mar 13, 2008 12:23 PM EDT reply actions

http://bp2.blogger.com/_h6ntj4r5Te8/R9a5AbTdp3I/AAAAAAAAAIU/amhk5Tap8UA/s1600/inspstoops.bmp

by ThreenOut on Mar 13, 2008 12:30 PM EDT reply actions

Hossnfeffer, don’t worry: like SNL movies, there’s only thirty or so more of them on the way!

by Orson Swindle on Mar 13, 2008 12:32 PM EDT reply actions

Two things:

1) Bob Stoops is evil. He eats the souls of widows, orphans and puppies(he actually eats orphaned puppies)! I bought my grand moth Old Glory Robot Insurance just to keep her safe.

http://www.robotmarketplace.com/video_oldglory_hi.html

2) Wait Texas A&M is the toughest road game? Is it really tougher then the game against Texas in Dallas? (Oklahoma may be the “home” team but it isn’t really a home game). For shame Swindle even in your drunken, jort wearing, mustachioed state you should be able to know Dallas is not in Oklahoma.

by Nutter on Mar 13, 2008 1:07 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, Just like a SNL movie, I will see everyone of them.

by Hossnfeffer on Mar 13, 2008 1:22 PM EDT reply actions

wait… somebody else remembers Danger Mouse???

by Adam on Mar 13, 2008 2:43 PM EDT reply actions

Kanu @ 4 – what I want to know is how they certify these young ladies as Christians? I mean, is it like USDA prime, kind of an eyeball test? Or does it involve a laying on of hands?

As for the come-hither stares, you never know – you just need to look for young women in the overlap of the “natural ho / sex positive sensualist” and “raised in a rigid (heh) Christian household” Venn diagram… like the young woman in my dorm senior year who was known for giving hand jobs while reading the New Testament aloud…

by DC Trojan on Mar 13, 2008 4:34 PM EDT reply actions

Dorm. Senior year. Hah.

by Allahver Fist on Mar 13, 2008 4:57 PM EDT reply actions

Allahver Fist @ 16 – 30 person dorm with dedicated cook versus over-priced roach motel being passed off as an apartment? No contest, and I owned (and continue to own) my extreme lameness.

by DC Trojan on Mar 13, 2008 5:19 PM EDT reply actions

Yeah, I’ve gotta go wtih Allahver Fist on this one. DC Trojan, your arguments regarding college football, regardless of how logical or sensible, will hereby be met with, “Yeah, but at least Notre Dame didn’t live in a dorm senior year.” Sorry, champ.

by George on Mar 13, 2008 6:50 PM EDT reply actions

Still one of my favorite theme songs of all-time.

by Jack on Mar 13, 2008 7:21 PM EDT reply actions

Geee…

Ohio State sucks. They’re so. Blah Blah Blah

What have you done for me Oklahoma?

by Poe McKnoe on Mar 13, 2008 7:54 PM EDT reply actions

George @ 18 – Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.

by DC Trojan on Mar 13, 2008 9:13 PM EDT reply actions

Although, now that I’ve dried away my tears and put a “For Sale – Cheap” sign on my pseudonym, the notion that anyone affiliated with Notre Dame would give me shit despite having lived in any form of housing in South Bend… that is preposterous enough that it does provide a little cheer.

But the pseudonym is still for sale, cheap.

by DC Trojan on Mar 13, 2008 9:29 PM EDT reply actions

DC Trojan’s living situation could have been much worse. He could have lived anywhere on Earth with Notre Dame coeds.

by Chg on Mar 13, 2008 9:31 PM EDT reply actions

DC, at least you weren’t in Band. Right?

by Allahver Fist on Mar 13, 2008 9:35 PM EDT reply actions

Allahver Fist @ 24 – no, I wasn’t in the band. The notion of goose-stepping my way across the Pac-10 while wearing polyester and playing the trombone was of limited interest, to say the least.

However, I was dating an apprentice opera singer, and my roomate was a guitarist from Pittsburgh who had an encyclopedic knowledge of the back catalog and sociology of KISS, so that must count for something on the dork front.

by DC Trojan on Mar 13, 2008 9:55 PM EDT reply actions

DC, You Wanted The Best Roommate, You Got The Best Roommate!! Shigeru Miyamoto still owes me a Heart Container for driving from Gainesville to D.C. (natch) to see KISS on their PsychoCircus tour of ‘98. It took the 2 subsequent nights of Phish at the Hampton Coliseum to burn/toast/trip/frizzlefry out the memory of Paul Stanley’s crotch in hawt 3-D. You’ve been through enough.

Rock on.

by Allahver Fist on Mar 13, 2008 10:54 PM EDT reply actions