BRUCE PEARL, AWESOME
Over at the Sporting Blog, we asked Bruce Pearl to “point at the camera and look awesome.” He did, thus reaffirming his awesomeness.
March 13, 2008
HONESTY’S ALWAYS NICE
We never want Terry Bowden to become a coach again, not because we bear him any particular animosity (really, isn’t the middle of the night the best way to leave Auburn no matter who you are?), but because we really, really enjoy his work for Yahoo Sports as a part-time columnist. Especially, you know, when he gets all honest and stuff.
I can still hear my football coach yelling in my ear … “knock him on his butt” … “kick his fanny” … “blow him off the line.”
Unfortunately, I recall a few other phrases as well. Things such as “take his knee out” … and … “knock his head off.” As a young head coach, I’m not so sure I didn’t say some of those things myself.
We’re not sure we didn’t say a few of those things about Terry Bowden ourselves as a stunned and teary 18 year old Florida fan in 1994 at Florida Field. We take them all back, Terry. That’s Terry Bowden, not Terry Dean. We still mean everything we said, including the bit involving the bucket of water, a rubber apron, and a car battery. Five interceptions? Really?
Did I say sweep the leg? Sorry about that.
ONE PERSON WHO DOESN’T NEED ORANGE PAINT
Good to see that Jenn Sterger’s still getting work. Well, we don’t actually care if she’s employed or not anyway, but for the good fo the faltering economy we’re happy to see one less person on the streets. Seriously we’re just trying to get to a 35 Seconds plug here. Yup. Any second now. Without saying anything too bad about poor Jenn…
SHE BLENDS IN BECAUSE WITH HER FOUNDATION SHE’S ALREADY ORANGE!!!
Faux-queen remark typed and therefore expelled, we may now move on to two things. One, despite coaching for Tennessee, Bruce Pearl rules. (”There’s a difference between Pat and I. She has talent, and I have no shame.”) Two, Patrick’s doing fine work over at 35 Seconds, and you should read it if you’re into bas-ket-ball. We’ll be really into it in a few minutes, since we’re heading down to the SEC tournament at the Dome shortly.
BARON VON GREENBACK’S EVIL PLAN: OKLAHOMA
Baron Silas Von Greenback has evil plans to keep all of you from succeeding in 2008. The first: Georgia. Today’s evil plan: Oklahoma.
Have you noticed, dear boy, that your necktie gets tighter at certain times, friend? Or for you, coach Bob Stoops, perhaps it’s your…visor. Yes, your visor. A certain…tightness about the crown of the head? Perhaps during important meetings, or during games with say…
…West Virginia in 2008?
…or with Boise State in 2007?
…or USC in 2004?
…or LSU in 2003?
Not to belabor the point, but you, Oklahoma, have been under one of the dear Baron’s most ingenious and lengthy plots: the slow torture of the CONSTRICTOVISOR, seen here on your head in one of its more effective moments.
None can escape the CONSTRICTOVISOR. Do not attempt removal.
Oh, Bob Stoops, you may not have even noticed that the Nike-approve, one-size-fits-all model you’ve worn for years now is always in your bag, never disappears on road trips, and never seems to pick up a single stain despite your wearing it non-stop for over eight seasons now. Nor, Mr. Stoops, have you been able to explain the gentle glow it emits in the dark, nor the mysterious disappearance of a sandwich from your refrigerator each Tuesday at the office. My friend, the CONSTRICTOVISOR works on two essential types of fuel: anxiety hormones and exactly one turkey club sandwich a week, something you have been unwittingly feeding it. THUS DO YOU FEED YOURSELF YOUR OWN DOOM AND SHAME!!!! AAHHHHH, THE BARON MUST LAUGH!!!
(Two minutes of raspy uninterrupted laughter follow.)
Stiletto, more champagne please! I must soothe my throat after all the merriment.
Coach Stoops, no other explanation is necessary: when your team faces huge games late in the season, my CONSTRICTOVISOR takes your otherwise superior football brain and applies a firm grip to the top of your skull, feeding off your anxiety and exactly one sandwich a week and cutting off just enough blood to your brain to diminish your coaching powers to the merely average. Yes, you have things to look forward to, Coach Stoops: the hyper-efficient play of Sam Bradford (a 36/8 TD/INT ratio as a freshman, Capital!,) the ferocious rushing of DeMarco Murray, solid play across the lines and such, and yes, your trademark ferocity on the defensive side.
And your schedule? If I wasn’t a master of evil myself–and yes, I am, aren’t I?–I would say for shame for the decadent diet of football crumpets you’re working in here: UT-Chattanooga, Cincinnati, at Washington, and Texas Christian? Some fiber, yes, so let’s not call them total crumpets. Rasberry bran crumpets, just durable enough to clean the system out before the meaty bulk of your Big 12 schedule. But then again, even in conference you’re looking at your toughest game on the road at A&M against a transitional Aggie Team, and perhaps fluky games at Oklahoma State and Kansas State.
Baron Von Greenback will help you, but only for a diamond tipped cane, Stoops.It should be, by all signs, a smashing year for your, Coach Stoops–but all of will come to naught if CONSTRICTOVISOR is allowed to stay on your head and work its devilish, mutated magic. Oh, and it will, it will, Bob Stoops, should you not immediately wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394 tout de suite.
And perhaps you’re thinking about removing it, Coach Stoops? Or denying it that all important weekly sandwich, eh? Let us just say that that would be very, very ill-advised indeed.
Perhaps you can recoup some of your money by requesting a finders fee from West Virginia coach Bill Stewart, another one of my pawns who fell into a head coaching job thanks to CONSTRICTOVISOR! Or Steve Spurrier, who evaded my clutches until he left for the Redskins, where my operatives tagged him with an all-too-powerful version of CONSTRICTOVISOR that left him sadly and permanently impaired. Something South Carolina fans know all too well! MUHA! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH!!!!!!
CURIOUS INDEX, 3/13/08
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Twenty years ago the most important moment in humanity occurred. You’ve been Rickrolled on the twentieth anniversary of “Never Gonna Give You Up” hitting number one, motherfuckers. And you’re welcome. Southern Miss, on the board. And on the board large for a three point drug possession charge for Tory Harrison, who as they say int the Dirty was doin’ things real big. He has been charged with possession of over 2 kilos of marijuana with intent to distribute. Police say he had 5 pounds of marijuana in his possession. Oh, my. While not comparable to the 92 pounds Reuben Houston of Georgia Tech had hauled to his dorm, five pounds of weed in one’s possession is a formidable thing indeed. You can actually start your own fiefdom in a college environment with that kind of green, and your name will be sung in epic verse and song for years. Unsurprisingly: According to his Southern Miss player profile, Harrison was majoring in business administration with an emphasis in entrepreneurship and small business management. If there’s no other argument for legalization you can buy, consider all the field work and practical experience credit not being counted on college campuses as enterprising young business people leverage risk, work live prices in the marketplace, and perfect supply chain systems. Plus, in a recession, who can blame him for buying in bulk? Paul’s got a list of the coaches with the longest tenure without a BCS bid, and number one with a bullet is Tommy Bowden. Eight years without a BCS bid, nosepicking on national television, and a clumsy diplomatic snafu with the departure of media darling Ray Ray McElrathbey from the team: the first three things coming to mind when the name Tommy Bowden gets pulled from the hat. Oh, wait: nepotism, too. You can’t forget good old-fashioned toxic nepotism.
Bo Pelini has suspended “several players” and booted (pun) kicker (see?) Daniel Lee from the team. No word on Andy Christensen’s fate, the lineman arrested for sexual assault earlier this week. Kevlar, the business jacket of choice. From an interview with Steve Slaton et. al, a fine estimation of the situation former WVU coaches faced when moving their families from West Virginia to their new digs in Michigan. FINDER: Did the coaches up at Michigan talk to you guys about what was happening back at West Virginia, with all the fan reaction? RIVERS: They really don’t care. They’re up there. [After selling their Morgantown houses and moving their families], they’re not trying to get their [butts] shot at here in West Virginia. We’re sure they’re joking. Why, West Virginia has one of the lowest home foreclosure rates in the nation, is full of beautiful vistas and scenery, and is an ideal place to raise a family or start a business. And we would never want to piss off people with booze and guns. Especially ones in such a wonderful, reasonable place? You’re not pointing that as us, now, are you? |
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