The Big Board for the week of 3/10/08 goes red with the introduction of scores from Big Red and the Scarlet Knights. Apologies, snark, and apologies for snark follows below.

It’s 1996 all over again! Nebraska must be on the way to a revival, since scary-looking linemen are being arrested for sexual assault as they were lo, so many years ago in the period of time we like to refer to as the “mid-1990s.” If you weren’t around, O! what a glorious time. No one wore anything interesting, opting instead for Doc Martens, flannel shirts, and shitty, cheap clothing. Perhaps you’ve wondered when the boring, unbright people caught on to the fact that by piercing a tongue, eyebrow, or ear, they could become “alternative,” and therefore not just lumpenfolk? Or what hipsters groan about all the time when they regurgitate tales of how FIERCE that Pavement show where no one danced back in ‘93 was? Or that other band that they loved until someone else expressed admiration for them, thus totally ruining their love for them?

Ya-bingo: that was the nineties. We’re sorry. We didn’t know what we were doing. If we’d known what it would have become, we wouldn’t have donned a single Ministry shirt. (They’re writing NHL songs now. We have no problem with this, having been born into the world at the mental age of a very immature 53 years old. Get money, Al.)

Anyway: Nebraska’s on the board in old-school Huskers fashion. See?

Lincoln Police Capt. Joseph Wright said Christensen, 21, was jailed on suspicion of first-degree sexual assault, resisting arrest and failure to comply.

Wright said Christensen allegedly approached a 23-year-old woman from behind and put his hand under her skirt. Both Christensen and the alleged victim were at the downtown bar at around 12:30 a.m., the time of the incident, Wright said.

Now throw in a couple of national championships and a nationally televised vivisection of an up-and-coming SEC team, and we’re talking revival! Testify! Oh, and six points in the Fulmer Cup: three for the felony sexual assault, one each for the failure to comply and resisting arrest charges, and a bonus point for making us remember how lame the 1990s were in every single fucking way.

Rutgers is on the board, though we’re not sure for how many points thanks to zero information on specific charges. We therefore award twentyleven points to them for defensive tackle Justin Francis’ arrest in Miramar, Florida.

Syracuse football interrupts its usual menu of dismal woe and misery to bring you some zesty incompetent woe and misery: two Fulmer Cup points for two misdemeanor criminal mischief charges for Mikhail Marinovich and Paul Chiara for breaking into the Syracuse equipment room while drunk. Marv, your second perfectly groomed genetic wonder can’t outrun Syracuse police, even while blessed with drunk speed–considering changing your training methods immediately.

No points for USC, since recruit Maurice Simmons was not enrolled at USC or on the team yet, thus making his alleged robbery charges null and void for Fulmer Cup consideration. Simmons should have been more careful; what with Pete Carroll roaming around LA at all hours, the chances of accidentally holding up his head coach weren’t bad, actually.

Correction: FIGHT ON! USC gets two points for brawling defensive lineman Fili Moala and a good old-fashioned barfight.