POLICY STATEMENT: AGGIES, GET A MUTT
by Orson on Mar 7, 2008 11:11 AM EST
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PrintThe debate over replacing the retiring Reveille VII (that prounounced "vaiiiii") at Texas A&M has gotten quite spirited for a place priding itself on military traditions like order and swift decision-making. To wit:
"I think Reveille VIII should be an American collie because it's tradition, and isn't that what A&M's all about?" freshman general studies major Emily Hudson said.
Many aren't so sure.
"Reveille should be a mutt. [Collies] are really spastic and hard to train. And mutts, since they have a mixture of all different genes, they tend to be a lot smarter," junior marketing major Kelley Baxter said.
Yeah, that's right. Listen to the person who's actually declared a major, Texas A&M, and back up because we 'bout to drop some policy:
EDSBS Policy: Texas A&M, you should get a mutt. First, it sets an exemplary standard for your community and for the rest of the world as a whole if you adopt a stray dog--just like the first Reveille--and take it back to campus to become the new, freshly dewormed mascot of your school. It would be timely, too, since stray dogs are the third-greatest threat to Americans in their homes, topped only by our natural enemy the sun and, of course, Kimbo Slice.
All they want is love, your garbage, and a soft place to lay down. Oh, and occasionally a child stolen from the neighbors' yard to play with, but isn't that what the road trip to Austin every other year is for? Exactly. Our bluetooth devices are communicating smoothly and processing nicely here.
Slow down your heart rate, man. He's getting angry!Second, do not just get any mutt that comes along. No, Aggies, you must select a hoodtastic mix of some of nature's gnarliest dog breeds all force-humped into a single physical vessel through a genetic lineage so convoluted Mormon polygamists would weep at its complexities. Chow, pit bull, Rottweilers, Cane Corsos, Doberman Pinschers, Anatolian Shephereds, German Pit Chows, Dogo de Argentinas, Brazilian Mastiffs, the rare but powerful Scythian Rape Terrier...all of them need to be present in one form or another here. The final product should look something like Cerebrus, the three headed dog guarding the gates of hell, but only after the bad ass middle head decided it was tired of all the other heads' yapping and ate them in a 35 second display of horrifying, impressive ferocity.
Take care to raise it with humans and socialize it early and often. And never, ever, leave it with fewer than three people at once, and try to keep it away from flashing lights and loud yells. For football games, sedate with 200 mg Seconal, or whatever amount will get it to a manageable level of fury. It all sounds like trouble, but if you want the Hound of the Baskervilles as envisioned by a Russian bioweapons lab, then you pay the price, amigos.
Oh, and if the Brazos Animal Shelter doesn't have one of those lying around, you might consider contacting a Russian bioweapons lab. Those people do great work. For an example, just look at Terrence Cody. He cost Saban a pretty pony (no typo--Saban has to feed him one each day), but 900 pound defensive tackles don't grow all by themselves.
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It is College Station, so my money is on a pure, white Samoyed.
by Kernel on Mar 7, 2008 11:16 AM EST reply actions
dear god please tell me this dog is another photoshop product of LSUfreak
please
by Futbawl Fan on Mar 7, 2008 11:17 AM EST reply actions
She doesn’t have a real major.
Marketing? Seriously?
/Marketing guy here
by GamecockTony on Mar 7, 2008 11:24 AM EST reply actions
Seriously… is that dog real or photoshopped? If real, where did you get the picture? I’m amazed and horrified…
by Dave K. on Mar 7, 2008 11:30 AM EST reply actions
Oh the dog is real:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=467985&in_page_id=1770
by TideDruid on Mar 7, 2008 11:32 AM EST reply actions
As a pharmacist, I must say forget the Seconal, that dawg needs nothing but Sizzurp to chill it out. Think about it – hood mutt in the South. Purple drank is the only way to go!
by Hemlock Philosopher on Mar 7, 2008 11:41 AM EST reply actions
Ideally, you’re going to want a mutt that can swallow Uga whole. Remeber -they may be in different conferences, but you’ll never know when they’ll meet up in the DCS (Dogfighting Championship Series). As a tip – Ohio State is a Great Dane – looks big and imposing, but slow and lumbering, and once bitten hard, will collapse in a heap.
by Ground0EastLansing on Mar 7, 2008 11:43 AM EST reply actions
When a mascot comes along.
You must whippet.
Before the team sits out too long.
You must whippet.
When Reveille needs to be strong.
You must whippet.
Now whippet.
Into shape.
Shape it up.
HGH.
Go Aggies.
Move Ahead.
by Allahver Fist on Mar 7, 2008 11:44 AM EST reply actions
ya know, I was going to adopt a second dachshund/beagle mutt this weekend – but now I’m leaning towards Scythian Rape Terrier
by Jerkwheat on Mar 7, 2008 11:47 AM EST reply actions
“but only after the bad ass middle head decided it was tired of all the other heads yapping and ate them in a 35 second display of horrifying, impressive ferocity. "
this is why we have youtube
by Cincy on Mar 7, 2008 11:49 AM EST reply actions
A quote from the article…
“Collies aren’t very manly; it’s hard to talk about beating someone when you have a collie by your side.”
That pretty much sums up A&M.
by blon57 on Mar 7, 2008 11:53 AM EST reply actions
i was thinking what blon57 said…they should really consider a fluffy poodle to go along with the rest of their pecker squeezing gayness.
by gerry dorsey on Mar 7, 2008 12:02 PM EST reply actions
Re: Kimbo Slice. O, is your recurring nightmare, is Kimbo Slice coming atcha with a book, “Economics of Baseball Statistics” in one hand and a hot pocket to force feed you in the other?
by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 12:09 PM EST reply actions
I agree with Gerry – they certainly have the gay gene at A&M.
by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 12:10 PM EST reply actions
Schytian Rape Terrier? He really digs Sabine women, not so sure about Aggie co-eds.
by yoyofutbawl on Mar 7, 2008 12:11 PM EST reply actions
When I lived in Texas I saw a bumper sticker that read:
HONK IF I’M AN AGGIE!
by Tim on Mar 7, 2008 12:13 PM EST reply actions
…and a bit of Andean double-nosed tiger hound. that would be frickin PERFECT.
by kleph on Mar 7, 2008 12:14 PM EST reply actions
Kleph is onto something – and some Rhodesian Ridgeback would help keep the fuck lions at bay.
by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 12:18 PM EST reply actions
i’ve found a picture of some scythian rape terriers, though i don’t know if aggyville has the climate that best suits them, as they seem to prefer cold weather, such as in minnesota
http://farm1.static.flickr.com/201/454549111_9dd296de85_o.jpg
by okiedomer on Mar 7, 2008 12:20 PM EST reply actions
I’m trying and failing to remember the breed of dog that the Soviets used as a gulag guard dog. It was mentioned in something like Loaded as having these characteristics…
Likes: Men in long coats with rifles
Dislikes: Dissidents.
Sounds perfect for College Station.
by DC Trojan on Mar 7, 2008 1:10 PM EST reply actions
I think we should get a dog that even Kimbo Slice would be afraid of…
by I R A Darth Aggie on Mar 7, 2008 1:19 PM EST reply actions
Pete thinks this is really a downer for his chi
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/football/ncaa/03/07/usc.recruit.ap/index.html
by CapstoneAlum on Mar 7, 2008 1:37 PM EST reply actions
A similar genetic disorder is found in cattle, resulting in “double-muscle Belgian Blues”. There’s a steroid joke just begging to be made here, but I’m not sure if I’m the one to make it.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Mar 7, 2008 1:43 PM EST reply actions
CapstoneAlum @ 26 – if that guy was too dumb to wait until he had on-team-legal-immunity, I think that SC can do without him.
Aerobab @ 27, no I think it was bigger yet – like bear-hunting big.
by DC Trojan on Mar 7, 2008 1:55 PM EST reply actions
fulmner cup??? do recruits count?
http://msn.foxsports.com/cfb/story/7885396/USC-recruit-arrested-in-robbery-investigation
by Bryan on Mar 7, 2008 2:01 PM EST reply actions
If you want a badass dog that’s obviously a fighter, and can charm the ladies, look no further than this lil guy. He’s also entertaining as all hell:
by Brian on Mar 7, 2008 2:09 PM EST reply actions
TCOAN @28 – I can’t make the joke either. I’m hung like a field mouse with no room to talk.
by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 2:15 PM EST reply actions
threadjack:
famous people on facebook…. stewart mandel looks like a troll.
by ryan on Mar 7, 2008 2:34 PM EST reply actions
“Scythian Rape Terrier” made me shoot coffee out of my nose, but it was worth it. Well done O.
by Maize n Brew Dave on Mar 7, 2008 5:02 PM EST reply actions
Looks like Pelini brought a little SEC with him
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/football/ncaa/03/08/bc.fbc.nebraska.christensen.ap/index.html/
Whatever happened to asking first?
by CapstoneAlum on Mar 9, 2008 6:15 PM EDT reply actions
#26
There is no such dog in existence. Even the Russians aren’t that evil.
by carlinthemarlin on Mar 10, 2008 12:22 AM EDT reply actions
…you must select a hoodtastic mix of some of natures gnarliest dog breeds all force-humped into a single physical vessel through a genetic lineage so convoluted Mormon polygamists would weep at its complexities.
Beautifully said.
by Geaux Irish on Mar 10, 2008 2:01 PM EDT reply actions
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