CURIOUS INDEX, 3/7/08

by Orson on Mar 7, 2008 9:27 AM EST

Massive pre-post HT to Dave, who just went haywire with the coffee and RSS reader this morning.

Iowa boots James Cleveland and Arvell Nelson from the team following their drug-related arrests last week. Hawkeye State wonders if this is the end of the City Boyz, Inc. era at Iowa, and has this tear-inducing video to help you look back on the days of cash money glory gone by.

No, I didn't see Nick Nolte at the end. Why'd you ask?

Are you faster than Percy Harvin? The answer is no, but if you want to get surrvd in front of a crowd of sixty thousand or so, step up and get wrecked, lawya: Urban Meyer is offering a full scholarship to any Florida student who can beat Percy Harvin, Deonte Thompson, and Louis Murphy in a 40 yard dash at the Orange and Blue Game on April 27.

While full details have yet to be worked out, Meyer said that on Thursdays of spring practices, which begin March 19, strength coaches will be out on the practice fields and students will be invited to come out and train. The entrants will be whittled down to one lucky contestant who will face Harvin, Thompson, Murphy and Rainey in front of a packed Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

The closer this gets to having an actual Running Man scenario with students fighting flamethrower-wielding athletes for scholarships, the better. We fully support the advent of the post-industrial fascist entertainment state. Just don't take away my Ow My Ballz!, and we'll all be fine, mkay?

At Oklahoma State, Interstellar Captain Trooper Taylor reports that Phillip Fulmer's unusual mass has an easy explanation: the gravity differential on Pluto is just unreal, y'all.

"It's fun getting back to the spread offense and hearing the formations being called the same way and hearing some of the plays being called the same way," Taylor said. "It's like I'm speaking the same language again where before I went to Pluto and I had to learn 3 yards and a cloud of dust again."

This may also explain Fulmer's unusual disciplinary methods. He's not lax--he's just from Pluto, and they do things a little differently out there. And don't even bring that mess about Pluto not being a planet, or he'll get Gene Wojciechowski to write a defense piece attacking the shoddy astronomy behind your findings. (HT: Losers With Socks.)

Joe Pa is vulnerable, according to Donnie Collins. Yeah, whatever. That's exactly what they said during Boer War, and he came through that just fine.

Colorado's Kai Malava is moving to fullback, and you better mind your blocking angles: according to teammates, he can hit you so hard, YOU'LL GET UP PREGNANT!!!!111!!!!!!

"It's going to be vicious," said Ryan Miller, who also was named a Freshman All-American by The Sporting News in 2007. "I mean, he could pull at guard and now he gets a running start. You better keep your helmet low cause you're going to get knocked up."

Travis Henry, who can impregnate with a sly gaze and the purchase of a Cheerwine for your affections, scoffs at the need to actually touch someone to do this.

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The reason why Pluto was closer to the sun than Neptune for a few years – Phil Fulmer was still there.

RIP City Boyz. May a trail of Jacksons lead your way back home.

NEVER FORGET

by Ground0EastLansing on Mar 7, 2008 9:41 AM EST reply actions

Travis Henry’s not impressed but Darren McFadden is intrigued.

by Harris on Mar 7, 2008 9:43 AM EST reply actions

“Alright, I think the next kill will be made by… Tim Tebow.”

“No, no. Agnes, Tebow is a runner. You have to pick a stalker.”

“I can pick anyone I choose. And I choose… Tim Tebow. That boy is one mean motherfucker.”

by PW on Mar 7, 2008 9:45 AM EST reply actions

are we talking first boer war or second boer war?

by okiedomer on Mar 7, 2008 9:46 AM EST reply actions

“I told Killian I’d be back. I wouldn’t want to be a liar.”

[/schwarzenegger-ese]

by gerry dorsey on Mar 7, 2008 9:57 AM EST reply actions

I’ll buy that for a dollar.

by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 10:06 AM EST reply actions

SO which kid on the track team with a 1/4 scholarship who used to play football but gave it up is going to be competing for this?

What if the student pays off those guys to not run their fastest…?

Irrationality loves this idea, logic hates it.

by Brian on Mar 7, 2008 10:11 AM EST reply actions

If there was ever an opportunity for a UF nerd to come up with an ingenious, concealed, semi-legal propulsion technique that would help him win the respect of the campus and finally get named head of the greek council, this is it.

by Chips O'Toole on Mar 7, 2008 10:18 AM EST reply actions

This is Florida, not MIT. Mentos and Diet Coke won’t cut it.

by drogue on Mar 7, 2008 10:25 AM EST reply actions

How fast can guys run in jorts?

by beckett929 on Mar 7, 2008 10:30 AM EST reply actions

I applaud Trooper Taylor’s move to the Big 12, and welcome Drayton to Tennessee.

Taylor was quite the pain in the state of NC, and apparently Drayton can be brough to tears by a demanding taskmaster.

Now, to find country bumpkin Dan Hicks a job. Perhaps a lucrative crystal meth ring with that mustache he is sporting..

http://www.utsports.com/inside-ut/article.aspx?id=14088

The Vols coaching staff is an embarrassment of mustache riches.

by Coop on Mar 7, 2008 10:32 AM EST reply actions

i think i caught a still shot from the “back dat ass up” video in there.

by gerry dorsey on Mar 7, 2008 10:34 AM EST reply actions

It’s like you’re dreaming about “Robocop” when it’s clearly “The Running Man” time, baby!

I don’t do requests.

by Irwin Fletcher on Mar 7, 2008 10:42 AM EST reply actions

Is it just me, or is Meyer two steps away from Crazy Eddie style TV commercials or maybe a Don King hairdo? “If you can immediately start for a better football team anywhere, my name ain’t Nathan Meyerzona!”

by Because They Can on Mar 7, 2008 10:44 AM EST reply actions

Is that the same Trooper Taylor who called all the Vols’ formations the same way — by turning his cap backwards and doing a jumping chest bump with the entire offense after every TD?

by decemberist on Mar 7, 2008 10:52 AM EST reply actions

Joe Pa is old! Ha HA!

by BovineKid on Mar 7, 2008 10:58 AM EST reply actions

I (along with 200 other snotty nosed kids) raced Bo Jackson in 85 at A-Day. Bo came out in an all baby blue Nike sweat suit (the satin looking one) and gave all the kids a 20 yard head start. It was supposed to have been for kids 13 and under, but there must have been a handfull of older kids. Bo was about even with three older kids around midfield and looked left, looked right and kicked in the after burners. He ran through the end zone, jumped the hedges, ran about fifteen rows up, sat down and signed about 500 autographs.

And then made sweet love to all of their mama’s.

by Bottagetta on Mar 7, 2008 11:02 AM EST reply actions

Bo Knows Pussy.

by Allahver Fist on Mar 7, 2008 11:05 AM EST reply actions

Bo knows lovin’

- I’ll concede that error.

by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 11:08 AM EST reply actions

AF – Bo likes what you know he likes better than what I know he likes.

by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 11:08 AM EST reply actions

No lies, Cheerwine is the panty-droppingest product on the market and is expected to reduce the Scandinavian suicide rate by 2/3 with the advent of Norwegian distribution.

by Holly on Mar 7, 2008 11:39 AM EST reply actions

Cheerwine reminds me of that nasty little cough syrup habit I had in the 80’s.

(all most vomits in mouth)

by dogterd on Mar 7, 2008 11:52 AM EST reply actions

Cheerwine mixed with Fred G. Sanford’s Champipple: the poor man’s Courvoisier.

by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 12:14 PM EST reply actions

Orson – the Orange and Blue game is April 12, not the 27th. All that will be left on the 27th is the cloud of dust kicked up by Percy Harvin and the other UF horses running in Meyer’s Derby.

by Jeremy Foley on Mar 7, 2008 12:24 PM EST reply actions

A new Penn State DUI, and again FC points are in question. He was suspended from the team two days ago.

And Orson, are you going to cover the Marinovich brother arrest at Syracuse?

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 7, 2008 12:27 PM EST reply actions

There’s a new PSU DUI….might need a ruling because the player was suspended two days ago.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 7, 2008 12:30 PM EST reply actions

O – are you going to cover the Syracuse break-in? Some juicy stuff there, including an it-runs-in-the-family Marinovich connection.

by Brian O'Blivion on Mar 7, 2008 12:33 PM EST reply actions

Cheerwine was North Carolina in North Carolina. Cheerwine is sold in basically every grocery store and gas station in the state of North Carolina.

North Carolina > the other 49 states, excluding South Carolina, which ranks #2 in Cheerwine sales, per state.

How I am privy to the above data is not relevant.

And I meant Dan “Brooks,” not Dan Hicks in my earlier remarks. I have golf on the brain.

by Coop on Mar 7, 2008 12:42 PM EST reply actions

26 – I am retarded, redux.

Cheerwine was DEVELOPED in NC. That is all.

by Coop on Mar 7, 2008 12:43 PM EST reply actions

Not to be outdone by Florida, Miami recently announced it will be awarding a scholarship to any student who can commit more felonies than the football players this off-season.

by Hey Dalton- I thought you'd be bigger... on Mar 7, 2008 12:45 PM EST reply actions

Sorry Urban, I’m already on scholarship

Regards,
Morgan Trent

by One Hand Clapping on Mar 7, 2008 1:25 PM EST reply actions

Events not listed:
Punch a ref: You and Percy go blow for blow against a high school football ref. Winner gets a years supply of Gatorade.
Fence jump: Beat Tony joiner over a fence to his girlfriends car, and get reserved parking for a year.
Sandwich pugle sticks: Jermaine Cunningham and you fight with sandwiches. Winne rgets free subway for a year.
Marksmanship: Outshoot Ronnie Wilson in a parking lot and get season tickets to UF basketball games.

by Scalz1 on Mar 7, 2008 1:39 PM EST reply actions

Not to be outdone by Florida, Miami recently announced it will be awarding a scholarship to any student who can commit more felonies than the football players this off-season.

Miami needs to be getting players that at least look like they’ve SEEN a fucking football in person in their lifetime… Seriously, George Madison doesnt lose to UVA 48-0…

by beckett929 on Mar 7, 2008 1:55 PM EST reply actions

I just got the $1,500 Gash ad. Nice!

by Out of Conference on Mar 7, 2008 2:18 PM EST reply actions

Cheerwine shmeerwine. Why you hatin’ on Sun Drop? All those convenience stores in the Tar Heel state also sell Sun Drop. It’s Mmm-Mmm good!

Anybody want a full ride scholly to Florida? Here’s how you do it. Locate the players involved in this folly and offer them $1000 if they’ll take a dive, or pull up lame during the big event. Spending 4 Large to buy a scholarship seems smart. And it would be hilarious to see the look on Urban’s face when he realizes he’s been punked. PLUS, what the hell is in it for Percy and the fellas? Are they Urban’s personal entertainment pawns? Somebody alert the Revrum Jessa Jacksunnnn.
I think a better contest-for-a-scholarship would be students trying to out-humble Tim Tebow. It would be easier to run a 4.2 forty.
Carry on.

by J.J. on Mar 9, 2008 8:55 AM EDT reply actions