Pop the champagne, Stiletto.

Good day, citizens. I am Baron Silas Greenback, evil mastermind and friend of no one save my only mistress, Success. Stiletto, please, pop the champagne. Please: audience, Stiletto, Stiletto, audience. If you are in Britain, he has a despicably racist Italian accent. If you are in the United States, give him an inoffensive wiseguy Brooklyn accent.

You have such high hopes for this season, I know. You, pitiful college football fan, have a team ranked in the top twenty-five, and I hesitate to throw you so far under the proverbial double-decker bus of sorrow. But a frog must have his pond, and mine is that which is filled to the banks with your misery. So unless a meddling rodent comes my way to needlessly complicate things further, I will make things very clear to the start: unless you pay me in the currency of my choosing for each, these are the fates to befall your teams and dash their high hopes.

My Evil Plan For: Georgia. Ah, yes, you Peach State provincials are as excited as squiggling, floppy-haired tadpoles over this one. And why not? You have depth all over the place, an esteemed offensive line now fully operational now that you have a coach who knows what he’s doing coaching the beefy young gentlemen shoving the way clear for your backs, and of course Knowshon Moreno and company, who bolt like mad hounds released upon the foxes of opposing defenses.

How shall I stop this indomitable attack? Well, perhaps I won’t have to: your worst case scenario does not involve my meddling at all, but a series of blunders and natural occurrences entirely out of the grasp of my green, pinky-ringed hand. Moreno could undergo a mysterious sophomore slump as defenses zero in on him, or leave the Bulldogs without a clear second running back; the defensive line could lose oomph, pizzazz, and what-for with the departure of Marcus Howard; or Willie Martinez’s defense could settle back into its permissive zone ways, as coaches sometimes foolishly do. You do have to go to Arizona State early in the season, too, meaning you could have a pesky out-of-conference loss to the Sun Devils. This could be vexing for your national championship run if it happens, most especially if a Big Ten or Pac-10 team runs the table and does not, like you, have the inconvenience of a title game foisted upon them.

Oh, but you say you have talent! My dear, every team of your caliber has talent. What every team does not have are five straight punishing weeks beginning October 11th including the Cocktail Party, a trip to Death Valley, a jaunt to Kentucky, and the Tennessee game…and finishing on the road at Auburn, who should have their spanking new “Spread Eagle” attack ironed out in superb fashion by then.

Spread Eagle? Stiletto, the innuendo in here is positively stifling. Crack a window, please, and check the crumpets in the oven. My, how I love a good crumpet. Especially the flies in the crust.

Where was I? Oh, yes: these are all natural obstacles, of course. I didn’t even mention the rest of your schedule: a sneaky early season game with Alabama on 9/27, or the frightening numbers Central Michigan will put up in a valiant, early-season loss to you. CMU QB Dan Lefevour’s name, were I vulgar and supremely evil, is quite punnable, btw. I shun this option for more elegant varieties of humor, such as flying a frog-shaped spaceship with a gun where the penis should be–ribald! Especially because frogs don’t have penises, just multipurpose cloaca for all of our business. Makes buying pants easier on everyone, really.

But I digress: should the wiles of fate not ruin you, Georgia Bulldogs, I shall begin flooding starting quarterback Matthew Stafford’s Apartment with ONE THOUSAND GALLONS OF BINKLEY’S CLOTTED CREAM. It could take him minutes for even this strapping and generously proportioned young lad to eat his way out! The delay could be enough to keep him from getting to practice and will make him unbelievably sluggish in the process. To prevent this from occurring sometime in the month of October, Georgia fans, be sure to wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394 tout de suite. Thank you, and good day.

Baron Silas Greenback
OBE, Malevolent Mastermind, and Unisex Pants-wearer

**This is excepting our brethren at Ohio State, who if they go undefeated this year will be invited to the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl as a precautionary measure to prevent BCS disappointment and to help ratings. To avoid this fate and having Jim Tressel’s face saddled with A PERMANENT RED CLOWN NOSE, please wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394. Thank you, and good day.