YOU CANNOT STOP BARON GREENBACK'S EVIL PLAN: GEORGIA
by Orson on Mar 6, 2008 1:12 PM EST
Email
Print
Pop the champagne, Stiletto.Good day, citizens. I am Baron Silas Greenback, evil mastermind and friend of no one save my only mistress, Success. Stiletto, please, pop the champagne. Please: audience, Stiletto, Stiletto, audience. If you are in Britain, he has a despicably racist Italian accent. If you are in the United States, give him an inoffensive wiseguy Brooklyn accent.
You have such high hopes for this season, I know. You, pitiful college football fan, have a team ranked in the top twenty-five, and I hesitate to throw you so far under the proverbial double-decker bus of sorrow. But a frog must have his pond, and mine is that which is filled to the banks with your misery. So unless a meddling rodent comes my way to needlessly complicate things further, I will make things very clear to the start: unless you pay me in the currency of my choosing for each, these are the fates to befall your teams and dash their high hopes.
My Evil Plan For: Georgia. Ah, yes, you Peach State provincials are as excited as squiggling, floppy-haired tadpoles over this one. And why not? You have depth all over the place, an esteemed offensive line now fully operational now that you have a coach who knows what he's doing coaching the beefy young gentlemen shoving the way clear for your backs, and of course Knowshon Moreno and company, who bolt like mad hounds released upon the foxes of opposing defenses.
How shall I stop this indomitable attack? Well, perhaps I won't have to:
your worst case scenario does not involve my meddling at all, but a series of blunders and natural occurrences entirely out of the grasp of my green, pinky-ringed hand. Moreno could undergo a mysterious sophomore slump as defenses zero in on him, or leave the Bulldogs without a clear second running back; the defensive line could lose oomph, pizzazz, and what-for with the departure of Marcus Howard; or Willie Martinez's defense could settle back into its permissive zone ways, as coaches sometimes foolishly do. You do have to go to Arizona State early in the season, too, meaning you could have a pesky out-of-conference loss to the Sun Devils. This could be vexing for your national championship run if it happens, most especially if a Big Ten or Pac-10 team runs the table and does not, like you, have the inconvenience of a title game foisted upon them.
Oh, but you say you have talent! My dear, every team of your caliber has talent. What every team does not have are five straight punishing weeks beginning October 11th including the Cocktail Party, a trip to Death Valley, a jaunt to Kentucky, and the Tennessee game...and finishing on the road at Auburn, who should have their spanking new "Spread Eagle" attack ironed out in superb fashion by then.
Spread Eagle? Stiletto, the innuendo in here is positively stifling. Crack a window, please, and check the crumpets in the oven. My, how I love a good crumpet. Especially the flies in the crust.
Where was I? Oh, yes: these are all natural obstacles, of course. I didn't even mention the rest of your schedule: a sneaky early season game with Alabama on 9/27, or the frightening numbers Central Michigan will put up in a valiant, early-season loss to you. CMU QB Dan Lefevour's name, were I vulgar and supremely evil, is quite punnable, btw. I shun this option for more elegant varieties of humor, such as flying a frog-shaped spaceship with a gun where the penis should be--ribald! Especially because frogs don't have penises, just multipurpose cloaca for all of our business. Makes buying pants easier on everyone, really.
But I digress: should the wiles of fate not ruin you, Georgia Bulldogs, I shall begin flooding starting quarterback Matthew Stafford's Apartment with ONE THOUSAND GALLONS OF BINKLEY'S CLOTTED CREAM. It could take him minutes for even this strapping and generously proportioned young lad to eat his way out! The delay could be enough to keep him from getting to practice and will make him unbelievably sluggish in the process. To prevent this from occurring sometime in the month of October, Georgia fans, be sure to wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394 tout de suite. Thank you, and good day.
Baron Silas Greenback
OBE, Malevolent Mastermind, and Unisex Pants-wearer
**This is excepting our brethren at Ohio State, who if they go undefeated this year will be invited to the Pacific Life Holiday Bowl as a precautionary measure to prevent BCS disappointment and to help ratings. To avoid this fate and having Jim Tressel's face saddled with A PERMANENT RED CLOWN NOSE, please wire seventy million dollars and a fifty carat diamond-topped walking cane to Swiss Bank Acct. #2839420394. Thank you, and good day.
43 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
No mention of Penfold? Surely a dastardly plan related to Stafford and Moreno warrants a Penfold angle.
by zzgator on Mar 6, 2008 1:18 PM EST reply actions
Surely you can work your magic with this image as inspiration.
by zzgator on Mar 6, 2008 1:20 PM EST reply actions
100 Coctails O.
I’ll talk to Ricky about making sure Uncle Kimbo spares you.
by Billy in Baton Rouge on Mar 6, 2008 1:22 PM EST reply actions
The Georgie team’s run to the endzone to celebrate that touchdown will go down as one of the most gay things ever, next to fanny packs and Brady Quinn. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
by Bryan on Mar 6, 2008 1:31 PM EST reply actions
Wow, I forgot how bad the Florida defense was in that game. Florida defenders were out of their lane more than Florida drivers. Seems like after the eleventieth time Moreno blows past you you’d start to hold the line of scrimmage a bit more instead of jaunting 5 yards downfield of him and then trying to catch back up.
by Dante on Mar 6, 2008 1:40 PM EST reply actions
I suggest that all pictures of Jim Tressel that appear on this site in the future be adorned with a red clown nose
by nixforsix on Mar 6, 2008 1:41 PM EST reply actions
Bryan, that Georgia team pretty much ran wherever the hell it wanted to on that field that day. Nothing gay about that, not that there’s anything wrong with it if it was, which it wasn’t.
by Sundawg on Mar 6, 2008 1:52 PM EST reply actions
something like this
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2084/2315178294_8a37e31560_o.jpg
by nixforsix on Mar 6, 2008 2:02 PM EST reply actions
70 million, hell. Nick Saban has longsnappers who cost that much. Raising said cash in the SEC will require approximately 4 BBQ dinners, 2 golf tournaments, and a modest consulting fee paid to Jeremy Elder.
Admittedly I am a little concerned about that midseason Death March that begins in Baton Rouge. And the Stafford/heavy cream combo.
Oh, and [insert joke about Auburn students and the spread eagle here].
by MaconDawg on Mar 6, 2008 2:08 PM EST reply actions
Frogs don’t have any wedding tackle… but what about that bastard crazy frog cartoon?
Globally irritating and cloacally incorrect to add insult to injury, apparently.
by DC Trojan on Mar 6, 2008 2:15 PM EST reply actions
dude i was waaaaay into danger mouse when i was young. however, when put on the spot yesterday, i guessed the evil villian’s name was “sirus” greenback. i can still sing you the theme song though.
by gerry dorsey on Mar 6, 2008 2:16 PM EST reply actions
Georgia will eke by South Carolina in Cola, as they almost always seem to do, and go undefeated until they hit Jax and Tebow.
Then a squeaker at Auburn and a repeat beating of LSU or Alabama or Auburn.
In other words, 2002, redux. Not looking forward to it.
by Coop on Mar 6, 2008 2:17 PM EST reply actions
Coop,
If Georgia loses to Florida there will likely be no rematch with any of those three western teams. I’m not one for predictions, but if I had to guess at which game will be Georgia’s stumble in a one-loss season it would be at LSU.
by Biggus Rickus on Mar 6, 2008 2:30 PM EST reply actions
Somebody tell that fat frog that the Dawgs have an early season opponent that they loss to at home last year on their schedule again, except on the road. I’m the first to admit, however, that KM splitting carries with Brown wasn’t Richt’s brightest decision in that game.
by Out of Conference on Mar 6, 2008 2:35 PM EST reply actions
I just now noticed that Baron Greenback looks exactly like Yaphet Kotto. I hope he got some royalties.
by Grimey on Mar 6, 2008 2:41 PM EST reply actions
BR, I foresee Florida dropping two in conference play, just as in 2002.
I also foresee Clemson going 12-1 and winning the ACC, so at this point I would probably disregard my opinion on the upcoming football season.*
- - The one loss will not be at the hands of a SEC member.
by Coop on Mar 6, 2008 2:46 PM EST reply actions
A series?!! Awesome!
Good call on the Yaphet Kotto resemblance.
by LL on Mar 6, 2008 2:52 PM EST reply actions
Coop,
You do realize that Tommy Bowden is still stalking the sidelines in Clemson, right?
by Biggus Rickus on Mar 6, 2008 2:59 PM EST reply actions
BR, you could have said the same thing about Phil Fulmer prior to the 1999 season or Mack Brown prior to the 2005 season.
And, yes, I get that Clemson does not have Vince Young or Tennessee’s OL from ’99 that paved all those holes for Stephens and Henry…
but I do not think that either coach is in rarefied air above Tommy.
In other words, I think the talent can compensate for Bowden’s coaching shortcomings.
by Coop on Mar 6, 2008 3:07 PM EST reply actions
Nice rack on the “Christians Join Free” ad lady. Methinks it’s a dating service for women named Christian. Otherwise, I’m probably going to hell.
by Sundawg on Mar 6, 2008 3:07 PM EST reply actions
Baby Jesus approves of those mammary glands.
by Out of Conference on Mar 6, 2008 3:36 PM EST reply actions
I don’t see the mammary ad, but I do see the “PayDay Loans” ad which is offering up to “$1,500 Gash”.
Sounds like a lot of coin for poon. I suppose it’s the fact that you can get it without a credit check?
by jebus on Mar 6, 2008 3:45 PM EST reply actions
Is it just me or does everyone think “poon” when Georgia or UGA are mentioned? For some reason I have to work my way around to the football aspect of the rivalry…
by sb on Mar 6, 2008 4:15 PM EST reply actions
a coach tells his players to run out on the field and get an intentional penalty to get them “fired” up. Sounds pretty gay to me.
by willet on Mar 6, 2008 5:21 PM EST reply actions
Having your best team the same year your schedule tops “wacko” on the difficulty meter is bad luck (or good, depending on the season’s outcome). I have horrific visions of a 13-1 (or 12-2) UGA team watching unbeaten (or once beaten) Sooner and Buckeye teams playing in the BCSCG.
by Because They Can on Mar 6, 2008 5:57 PM EST reply actions
I’m confused. I thought this was one of the most gay things ever:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Hi_uDNJ3Fs
Not that there’s anything wrong with that, either.
by Senator Blutarsky on Mar 6, 2008 5:57 PM EST reply actions
The mere fact of everyone hyping UGA and Moreno is enough to send them plummeting back to the real world with a couple of losses – one being the SECCG (provided they make it.) Not wishing it of course, but I don’t think Knowshon will last the season. Injuries take him out of 2-3 games.
by NativeSon on Mar 6, 2008 6:05 PM EST reply actions
I love the haters coming out. Bring it! Doubt! Your hate will make you strong or something……
by Sean Glennon's Jersey on Mar 6, 2008 7:58 PM EST reply actions
I have a feeling about this Georgia team. It may be wishful thinking, but it’s the same feeling I had going into the Florida game last year. I think they’re actually going to pull it off. And all of the toads in the world won’t stop it.
by Biggus Rickus on Mar 6, 2008 9:00 PM EST reply actions
Coop,
It seems like last time UGA was in “Cola”, they eeked by 18-0. SCU got its one win in 5 years last year, but only the most delusional chicken fan wouldn’t admit that they caught UGA at the perfect time. No excuses, on that night, at that point in the season, SCU was better. I don’t think they will be next year. UGA rolls the chickens in the worst state capital in the country.
by UgaMatt on Mar 7, 2008 8:46 AM EST reply actions
I don’t think CMR will use KM as a blunt instrument; at least not unless he has to. Plus there’ll be other talent in the backfield to relieve him.
Of course, this assumes he’s too fast for Auburn to chop block him.
The Christian ad girl is now holding a puppy; ummm puppies!
by Sundawg on Mar 7, 2008 9:19 AM EST reply actions
You know what’s really funny about the End Zone Party? The weak-ass response from UF with a little sideline hype of their own. Thanks for playing into our evil plans.
Most of that Florida defense returns, right?
drool
by UgasTexan on Mar 7, 2008 3:51 PM EST reply actions
I can only wonder who one becomes “Certified Christian.”
by blackertai on Mar 7, 2008 7:21 PM EST reply actions
I think a rabbi comes over, checks the sanitation and then puts an OU symbol on you.
by hunglikehussain on Mar 8, 2008 1:17 PM EST reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
