WOOOO!!! EARLY REASSIGNS THE GATOR HATOR TO THE BABY
The Curious Index and the CFBA announcement for Best Prose will be along shortly, but first: WOOOOOO!!! Remember that taiiiihme you punched the teeth outta ya mouth to show them Gators how tough you were?
Squidbillies: made by Georgians who know what they’re talking about here. If that “Gator Hator” hat isn’t sitting atop the heads of some bloody-mouthed UGA fans next season looking for their teeth on the ground, we’ll be sorely, sorely disappointed in you all, sirs and madams. But you do know that in a name-calling war based on redneck cred, Georgia loses in a smoking heap to Florida, right? We’ve got so much more than just the Duck Head-wearing nouveau-riche Panic crowd and the oceans of starchy white trash that Georgia has to offer: switchblade wielding gel-freaks from Miami, bland transplanted midwesterners from Orlando, stoner surfer rednecks from Melbourne, Jacksonville tattoo guys still rocking the Durst fat pants, shot-guzzling Fiero drivers from Tampa, displaced Jerseyites who leave fake tanner residue on white couches…we’ve really got it all. The army of trash Florida can assemble is simply unparalleled.
We’re nastily diverse with it. Early’s head would be spinning.









1
Brian says:
Loving the SEC “I’m more of a redneck than you” bit. You guys won’t concede in ANYTHING to a rival, even who’s got more lame fans. BTW, you forgot to mention ‘chicks with fat arms.’
March 4th, 2008 at 9:07 am
2
Orson Swindle says:
Sir, you only get those kind of arms from giving ferocious hand jobs.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:08 am
3
Allen says:
When I saw that on Adult Swim the other night, I simply lost it. You’ve always known that Early was a Dawg. But never have I seen such a wonderfully accurate capturing of Dawg Nation.
“Herschel Walker Cuyler Them Dawgs Is Hell Don’t They”
March 4th, 2008 at 9:10 am
4
OhioDawg says:
I think you led with Miami for a reason. We all know it’s a totally non-redneck carveout.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:22 am
5
Raleigh Urbain says:
“Duck Head-wearing nouveau-riche Panic crowd”
That, sir, cuts to the bone. But inaccurately.
Many of us are members of the red pant-wearing yuppy Phish crowd. So like I said, the bone.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:27 am
6
Brian says:
#5 – what is the difference between Panic and Phish? The quality of the weed?
March 4th, 2008 at 9:36 am
7
LarryMunson'sHead says:
Orson, I think you got the gay gene
March 4th, 2008 at 9:41 am
8
Allahver Fist says:
If you’re still wearing red pants and like Phish, it’s likely you’re too young to have ever seen them live*.
Spreadnecks simply are douchebags searching for something more cooly intense than Dave Matthews.
*2000 or earlier, not the Trey Is Too Fucked Up comeback.
March 4th, 2008 at 9:46 am
9
okiedomer says:
“the Duck Head-wearing nouveau-riche Panic crowd”
allsome
uga was one of the 127 law schools i applied to – on the application form, it asked “1. how bushy is your hair? 2. how many panic shows have you been to?”
true story.
#6 phish is, like, a totally heady crunchy groove, while panic is, like, more of a crunchy heady groove, braaaaaaaaaaaaah
and orson, while i fully respect the white trash diversity of florida, i’d be remiss if i didn’t note that we here in oklahoma lead both florida and georgia in one vitally important white trash statistic: number of meth-cooking induced trailor explosions – some call it a plague; i call it a byproduct of entrepreneurship
March 4th, 2008 at 9:48 am
10
MiseanAuFan says:
“#5 – what is the difference between Panic and Phish? The quality of the weed?”
Replace “weed” with “musicians.”
March 4th, 2008 at 9:53 am
11
okiedomer says:
sweet hippy snap, #10
talk about bad vibes…
March 4th, 2008 at 9:59 am
12
Kerwin4two says:
“stoner surfer rednecks from Melbourne”
How did you know, really? That is an amazingly accurate representation of all of the people in my high school class who went to UF (myself included). The rest are drywallers, roofers and TJ Maxx cashiers.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:10 am
13
AllWhoYonder says:
the real difference between Phish and Panic is the number of Northeast frat boys eating mushrooms for the first time and picking fights with the dreadheads and trustafarians. Well, that and the number of guitarists on stage.
MiseanAuFan, so which has the higher quality? Judging from your scholastic affinity (and geography), I’d say Panic.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:16 am
14
Brian says:
I didn’t want to have to break this out…but you all left me no choice…I couldn’t find the original post of this, but here it is mirrored by some tech kids:
http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~gtg740h/badical/coolandtough.shtml
March 4th, 2008 at 10:26 am
15
Brian says:
refer to point number five if you click the above link, btw.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:28 am
16
Dawgfish says:
#9
cooking your own drugs is redundant with the Port of Miami right down the road. Bringing quality yay right to your doorstep, no need for country crack
March 4th, 2008 at 10:29 am
17
Scalz1 says:
#12
Don’t forget Bizarro’s Pizza delivery guys. Brevard county: You can surf in the morning and hunt pig in the afternoon. I know I have.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:38 am
18
robert says:
hippie snobbishness. the highest stage of irony.
March 4th, 2008 at 10:48 am
19
Allahver Fist says:
#19, robert
It’s called Deader Than Thou Syndrome, and it’s awesome. Also, Panic sucks and God killed Jeff Healey ’cause he’s fucking sick of Michael Houser.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:01 am
20
okiedomer says:
#16
your post really illustrates the economic debate over globalization occurring right now
you would be in the globalization camp, advocating open trade among the nations, while i would be in the more protectionist camp, advocating american-based small business development, especially in the manufacturing sector
March 4th, 2008 at 11:04 am
21
AllWhoYonder says:
Allahver, we always called it “Hippier than Thou”. Really came to bear at SCI shows.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:13 am
22
stuart says:
#19…ouch.
Kicking a dead man…classy.
That comment made me adjust my craokies.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:16 am
23
stuart says:
*croakies*
March 4th, 2008 at 11:17 am
24
Dawgfish says:
Okie:
Al-ways loook foooor, the union laa-belll
When you are buy-ing that gram o’ crank
…don’t kid yourself the japs would kill us if they ever decided to get in that dope game
March 4th, 2008 at 11:20 am
25
Raleigh Urbain says:
Yeah………that was supposed to be a little bit of self-depricating humor from a Georgia fan.
I will work on writing more expressively.
Glad to send everyone off on a tangent. On that note, I saw Phish at Big Cypress where I met a variety of Florida redneck not listed by Orson; the gator wrastlin’ Seminole. Their chief had part of his hand bit off, true story.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:23 am
26
dogterd says:
#17 you must be a “F.I.T.” wanna-be!
Down in the “IRC” we’d surf the inlet in the morning, skate the “PSL” metal ramp in the afternoon and airboat for aligator out in C-54 all night.
This was the 90’s however.
March 4th, 2008 at 11:34 am
27
MiseanAuFan says:
“MiseanAuFan, so which has the higher quality? Judging from your scholastic affinity (and geography), I’d say Panic.”
Wrong! (yes, I know- Auburn, southeast, etc- it screams Panic).
March 4th, 2008 at 11:44 am
28
woohoo says:
For the record:
Jawja > Florida (on the grounds that GA was a penal colony)
Phish > Panic
Globalization > Protectionism
March 4th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
29
Quack says:
The real question, though, is which state has bigger Truck Nuts?
March 4th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
30
Brian says:
Declaring which is better; UGA or UF, is like saying that your restaurant has the world’s best catfish. Yes the meat might be succulent and flaky, but at the end of the day, its inputs are still the garbage at the bottom of the pond.
March 4th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
31
Boozy McHound says:
Why must you hunk us natives of the DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUVAL in with Fred Durst?
Seriously, why not go for the Skynyrd or .38 Special crowd or 69Boyz?
March 4th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
32
Dawg 05 says:
Brian,
I cannot speak for Florida, but I am fairly sure that UGA is not “catfish”. Anyone who has stepped foot on the fine campus of America’s oldest chartered University and witnessed the beauty of our “fish” would know we only serve up the finest marine cuisine.
March 4th, 2008 at 1:32 pm
33
robert says:
If I go my whole life and never hear another person scream DUUUUUUVAL….that’d be nice.
March 4th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
34
Allahver Fist says:
PONTE VEEEEEDRAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
March 4th, 2008 at 1:56 pm
35
Brian says:
32 – Im not talkin about pussy. Im talkin about intelligence.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
36
Dawgfish says:
31-
Let’s not forget the groundbreaking pussycore of Yellowcard…and i’m sure with our demographics we must have produced a bigtime country singer out of Middleburg/OP/Baker County/Callahan etc
March 4th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
37
Allahver Fist says:
Yeah, Dawg 05, intelligence – like assuming a state that’s bordered on 3 fucking sides by ocean to pride itself on its catfish. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go chase Mofro out of my backyard.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
38
Allahver Fist says:
Clarification: that wasn’t directed towards Dawg 05, just poorly worded.
March 4th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
39
Brian says:
I think you missed the analogy Mr. Fist.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:01 pm
40
The Conscience of a Nation says:
Yes, it is very stupid to choose to go to a state school and avoid student loan debt. I cry every month when I don’t have to write a $500 check for my liberal arts degree.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
41
yoyofutbawl says:
If my ears do not deceive me, Early is none other than Unknown Hinson.
I fondly remember his chart-toppin TV series w/ the late Rebel Helms, “The Wild, Wild South”.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:06 pm
42
Dawg 05 says:
Brian,
What mattered more to you in your college experience?
What matters more to you now?
March 4th, 2008 at 3:07 pm
43
SH says:
I once heard about, never witnessed, a painting of a Grateful Dead skeleton wearing a CSA uniform on the wall of a certain fraternity house at UA.
Dead > Panic. Any day.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
44
GatorAM says:
Brian: ?!?
GA Tech ranking: 35
UF ranking: 49
UGA ranking: 59
I can see where there’s a bit of a differential between Tech and UGA, but please, UF is smack in the middle of the two. Certainly not bottom-feeding-catfish-analogy level of stupidity. That kind of stupidity is clearly reserved for “institutions” like FSU.
And to TCOAN’s point, many students at UF, if they had both FL Prepaid and Bright Futures, actually got paid (in a way) to stay in-state. I was one of ‘em, and zero dollars in student debt is phenomenal indeed.
March 4th, 2008 at 3:24 pm
45
MiseanAuFan says:
Are Coop and Brian the same person? They both seem to have the “Your school sucks and is filled with morons- I went to school X, which is ranked 10-25 spots higher than yours, according to US News,” thing covered.
March 4th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
46
PTTO says:
#9
who produces more meth per capita i wonder. I mean oklahoma may have more meth heads, but Im willing to bet that a georgian uses more meth on a daily basis.
March 4th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
47
AssBurgersSyndrome says:
I have to give Florida the nod in terms of trash per capita.
When it was pointed out that Georgians were moving to Florida in droves following World War II, Georgia governor Eugene Talmadge said, “That’s okay, it’s boosted the average IQ of both states by 25 points!”
March 4th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
48
Allen says:
Dude, Brian, thank you for finding the link to the old Badical Industries page. Do they still show up every Friday with ridiculous shit? I’ve still got the flyer about Mexican “fun-facts” somewhere.
“Anyone who has stepped foot on the fine campus of America’s oldest chartered University and witnessed the beauty of our “fish” would know we only serve up the finest marine cuisine.”
You’re saying what we already know… everyone in Athens has crabs.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:35 pm
49
Hugh says:
I know two people who were accepted to GA Tech and not to UF. Both ended up going to UCF.
March 4th, 2008 at 7:46 pm
50
Allahver Fist says:
Brian, I believe I did miss your analogy, but it’s mostly because of my blind raving rage over perceiving your disrespect of the catfish.
In other news:
Grateful Dead > football
March 4th, 2008 at 11:49 pm