Our extremely cursory and simple look over the options for this year’s fantasy draft in college football. Dibs!

One: Michael Crabtree, Texas Tech WR. Oh, sure, you say don’t draft him because he’s going pro, but here’s a surprise for you: HE PLAYS FOOTBALL, ASSHOLE. That’s right, and he plays it too well for even Mike Leach’s buttoned-down attack to hold his talent under wraps, friend. Crabtree’s line for last year looked like entire wide receiving corps’ numbers for theyear: 134 receptions, 1962 yards, and 22 TDs. Now let’s see if Mike Leach will trust him and stop throwing the ball only ten times a game. What is this, the Single Wing?

Two: Knowshon Moreno, UGA RB (Stands for “Rampaging Bastard”) Oh, no particular reason. FACT: This statement is a lie. If we just blew the head off your logic robot, then good: now you may free yourself from its clutches and draft Knowshon Moreno, who averaged 5.4 yards a carry last season and beat the bloody hell out of Florida in the worst Cocktail Party of my lifetime as a Florida fan. Give him the ball twice, and it’s a first down! Math is easy kids. Also, taking Knowshon allows you to take Matt Stafford, who may brilliantly audible to “run left/right/middle” when the defense does all that confusing jumpy stuff at the line.

Three: Jeremiah Johnson, Oregon RB. Could be the focal point for the Oregon offense next year, meaning he’ll get plenty of screens and zone read handoffs. Sadly, does not possess mountain man beard or pet bear, though someone could (hint hint) do something about both of these things before the season begins. We’ve always thought the bear was the next frontier for domesticated animals, especially home security bears. So cuddly!

Four: Colin Kaepernick, Nevada QB. If you have craved a gawky, discount version WAC version of Vince Young working out of the pistol, then Kaepernick’s your man.

Even if you apply the standard WAC to BCS conference conversion formula (divide roughly by 2/3, subtract five touchdowns), Kaepernick’s stats as a sophomore should improve from the 2175 yards passing and 573 yards rushing he piled up as afreshman in the eight games he started. Bonus! He works from the pistol, the formation that gets your qb disemboweled in NCAA Insert Year here but somehow chugs along nicely in real life.

5. Cam Newton, Florida QB. We’d bet a toe he’ll assume the Tim Tebow goal line battering ram role from Tim Tebow to take some of the hits off Tebow, meaning he’ll become the Mike Alstott of college football: a points vulture with an unnatural stat line skewed toward one yard TD plunges.