DUDE, IT'S THE SMACK WAGON

by Orson on Feb 28, 2008 1:46 PM EST

Of all the things we loathe about sports culture in the United States, it's the enshrinement of "smack." First, to steal our favorite word for heroin is a shame, since "smack" is an inherently funny word used in overwrought heroin dramas and blaxploitation flicks. For Jim Rome to take it to the masses and rebrand it as a form of discourse used IN ALL CAPS SEACREST OUT (that's tight, broseph, tight) remains a fucking shame.

You'll never take smack away from us, nor the glorious comedies it inspires.

Two, smack and smack-talkers off the field suck, and suck at what they do for the most part. A little convivial ribbing? Acceptable. A well-tuned jab and skillful riposte? Excellent. Bellowing in a parking lot at a total stranger? Well, legally that's just assault, and if you're going to do it, you may as well get the red-mist blood flowing and throw a drunken punch or two before you get pulled apart by your friends, who you're lucky were there "or the Beast would have taken over, man, and I don't want that to happen again."

Three: Jim. (Four minutes of silence.) Rome.

Yeah, but fuck all that, cause the SMACK WAGON is comin' your way, brah!

At each stop, the RV is giving away t-shirts and mini-footballs, meeting with student groups, distributing fliers, participating in radio promotions, attending university games and generating overall excitement. Garrity and other MSL staff, including former NFL All-Pro Chuck Muncie (a partner with MSL), are traveling with the RV.

"All of these schools are in it to win, so the competition is incredible," says Garrity. "We expect it to become especially fierce as text votes begin coming in and the schools' running tallies of tickets sold get posted."

Text votes make me wanna fight like a brave! The promo is part of the Fox Sports/Big Ten Network's Gridiron Bash, a series of college football kickoff concerts including:

--Fergie
--Maroon 5
--The Black Crowes
--Dwight Yoakam.

If you happen to be a college student longing to seduce your best friend's mother, your train done come in, son. Five margaritas, a Fergie show, and two hours of sustained attention should be enough to convince her to play a little modern day Emma Bovary adventure with you.

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Shit, Dwight Yoakam ain’t no joke. Y’all know “Does It Show?” Tears me up.

by Hannibal Montegna on Feb 28, 2008 1:52 PM EST reply actions

The Black Crowes are awesome in any venue.

However, I fail to see how Maroon 5 inspires or enhances “smack talk”.

Heroin use, yes. But not smack talk.

by Rival on Feb 28, 2008 1:55 PM EST reply actions

Jim (Four Minutes of Silence) Rome

The most accurate statement ever. I rarely listen because I feel awkward when no one is talking on talk radio.

by Yo on Feb 28, 2008 1:55 PM EST reply actions

I’m still trying to determine at what age I will make my future children watch Permanent Midnight. I’m thinking at least before they enter first grade.

by Grimey on Feb 28, 2008 2:01 PM EST reply actions

Seriously, did you just reference Gustav Flaubert? That is some serious intellectual smack.

by babylon 6 on Feb 28, 2008 2:03 PM EST reply actions

I’m still pissed that Jim Everett did finish him off when he had the chance. It would have been justifiable homicide. He wouldn’t have served a day.

by Crabapple Buck on Feb 28, 2008 2:09 PM EST reply actions

gotta love the instant stock quotes on that linked article, you can literally watch your* investments tank while MSL tries turning your Baylor v. ta&m midseason nap into a bowl game – ‘fan interactive zones’ and all

*yours, not mine, as i’m bank everyday

by 3rd on Feb 28, 2008 2:09 PM EST reply actions

Fergie
Maroon 5
Dwight Yoakam.
( Crows redacted)

I just wet myself in anticipation. Throw in some Big & Rich coming to my city and I might just lose it entirely

by ThreenOut on Feb 28, 2008 2:09 PM EST reply actions

Methinks Baylor beat A&M once in there for an exciting game. like once in 20 years… but it happened somewhat recently.

by ThreenOut on Feb 28, 2008 2:10 PM EST reply actions

By did I mean didn’t. Fuck Rome.

by Crabapple Buck on Feb 28, 2008 2:10 PM EST reply actions

Madame Bovary is the tits.

by AllWhoYonder on Feb 28, 2008 2:12 PM EST reply actions

Epic.
Huge.
Rack him.

by jebus on Feb 28, 2008 2:15 PM EST reply actions

12 – I foresee alot more comments from you in the near future defending others…

And, ye shall be referred to as Internet Chivalry Hero from here on out…

by Coop on Feb 28, 2008 2:21 PM EST reply actions

9 – right, i wasn’t clear. Didn’t intend to mean “a game where one team will destroy another”, rather “a game where I couldn’t give a shit what happens”. Just tried to pick the two least interesting teams i could think of.

Now that i think about it though, what with JOE KINES on the sidelines – i’d watch probably. So substitute a/m for say… smu.

of course, were that game on today i’d have skipped work and straight to the bar for cocktails a-thousand

by 3rd on Feb 28, 2008 2:23 PM EST reply actions

My god that is lame lame lame.

When the coporate types try to cash in on fan passions like that the result is just fake and pathetic. Anybody who invests in that enterprise deserves to lose everything.

I used to listen to Rome back when he had a night show out of San Diego. I still find him tolerable in small doses, but I think a nostalgia factor comes into play there.

by oc phil on Feb 28, 2008 2:27 PM EST reply actions

Nice take.

by chum1 on Feb 28, 2008 2:32 PM EST reply actions

Does it suprise anyone that the Big 10 (or at least its network) is involved in this crapfest???

by Greenie on Feb 28, 2008 2:35 PM EST reply actions

14.

4 words

Florida Atlantic. Florida International.

by ThreenOut on Feb 28, 2008 2:39 PM EST reply actions

The stock quotes in that article are all for the Toyota Motor Company. And they are tanking. Probably because they make the S$%^mobile that these folks are driving to the tailgates. Or probably because some dumbo ran some sort of text recognition program over the article before posting it to the site and it recognized all trademark indications as Quotes to Toyota. Brilliant move business editors.

Fergie at the Penn State tailgate in State College? Good idea. Put an adult contemporary music star in the middle of that crazy mess on football game day? She won’t get out in one piece.

Its a shame they won’t be in South Bend to host a dance off with Skeletor and the MBA Students.

by South Jersey Irish on Feb 28, 2008 2:39 PM EST reply actions

For fear of seeing a Rome is Burning commercial is the reason I quit watching all ESPN channels. What a douchebag. I’d take 10 Mark Mays, 45 Kornheisers, and a side of Lou Holtz instead of having to listen to one chest thumping attempt at mocking someone from Rome. Yeah, Everett should have finished the job when he had the chance.

by Out of Conference on Feb 28, 2008 2:39 PM EST reply actions

Count me among the minority on this one. I think Rome is pretty funny and an excellent interviewer.

by PW on Feb 28, 2008 2:48 PM EST reply actions

Ass to ass!

Greatest smack movie, evah. Requiem for a Dream. A true horror movie.

Followed closely by the lighthearted in comparison, Trainspotting.

by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 28, 2008 3:23 PM EST reply actions

You know who lays the smack down? Beano Cook. But don’t think about talkin’ back to Beano. He can’t hear you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vtC1r04gVs

by Bugeater on Feb 28, 2008 3:37 PM EST reply actions

They better be handing these out, too.
http://snackonasmack.com/

by jakldawg on Feb 28, 2008 3:42 PM EST reply actions

I have to give a shout out to BlackHeartGoldPants and their glorious JoePa/Fergie saga:

Part 1: http://www.blackheartgoldpants.com/story/2008/2/5/112925/4509
Part 2: http://www.blackheartgoldpants.com/story/2008/2/8/154646/7646
Part 3: http://www.blackheartgoldpants.com/story/2008/2/13/191914/891

by Nick on Feb 28, 2008 3:54 PM EST reply actions

Glad they will be “generating overall excitement.” How would we survive without faux spirit and smack from interns working for lame tv shows?

by jbob on Feb 28, 2008 4:01 PM EST reply actions

Damn BO’B you beat me to it. That quote alone was worth the one hundred minutes or so of blankly staring a the screen wondering how these people could fuck themselves up worse. But ding, ding, ding, they always seemed to find a way.

Ass to Ass! Horror movie in deed.

Jennifer Connelly still needs to bear my seed.

by skinnyphatman on Feb 28, 2008 4:06 PM EST reply actions

>>and is expected to be the largest sports and entertainment event ever.<<

But apparently not the most humble. It is after all, I s’pose, talking smack about itself.

by Flatlander on Feb 28, 2008 4:22 PM EST reply actions

Emma Bovary???? WTF Orson? I don’t want to have to google your obscure literary references. Even Dennis Miller thinks that alusion was a bit pompous.

by Mark D on Feb 28, 2008 5:07 PM EST reply actions

Madame Bovary should only count as obscure on Sun Belt blogs. Here, it’s just awesome.

by now_a_hoo on Feb 28, 2008 6:08 PM EST reply actions

Anyone ever seen “Spun” w/ Jason Schwartzman? Similar to requim only he’s addicted to speed and he calls it “Crank.”

ok if you like that kind of movie.
I really just like Jennifer Connelly

by Kecalf Bailey on Feb 28, 2008 6:57 PM EST reply actions

Mark D, as a former college defensive lineman who has taken more than his fair share of blows to the head and nonetheless got the Flaubert reference, I must reprimand thee. This is EDSBS, don’t be bringing that weak shit up in here!

by Dr. William S. McPimpslap on Feb 28, 2008 9:00 PM EST reply actions

Madame Bovary is obscure? Seriously? It’s the offseason. Do work son.

I suspect this site has the highest percentage of regulars familiar with NAQT of any college football site on the net. Granted, 5% may be the magic number to win there, but still.

by Chg on Feb 28, 2008 9:43 PM EST reply actions