THE 2007 ALL-SEC Z-TEAM: COLLEGE FOOTBALL'S KEYS TO SURVIVING THE IMPENDING ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE.
by Holly Anderson on Feb 27, 2008 10:15 AM EST
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PrintBy Holly, who reminds you that when the zombie war comes, machetes do NOT need reloading.
Their names were shouted in exultation or bellowed in impotent rage across the SEC in 2007. You know their stats by heart, lived and died with their triumphs and tears. But in this age of bioweapons and nuclear experiments gone horribly awry, there are more important matters to ponder; namely, how each of these college football notables will aid your survival when the wrong red button is pressed and the zombie hordes rise to enslave us all. You'll need the best of the best (SEC speed = fast zombies). The essential personnel:
Rich Brooks thinks the undead hordes are bullshit. This will not save him.
The Buffoon Who Got You Into This Mess: Michael Henig, QB, Mississippi State
How He'll Save The Day: When jumping from rooftop to rooftop to reach the river/gun store/barricades, will carry the season to its logical conclusion by mistiming the flinging of his own form and being intercepted, so to speak, by a less than sturdy awning. As he is tugged with agonizing slowness from the canvas, the undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.
The Decoy: Blake Mitchell, QB, South Carolina
How He'll Save The Day: Will be assigned as lookout while the rest of the party stocks up on ammunition/canned goods/fuel, and upon seeing an approaching zombie attack party, will inexplicably fancy himself a hero and run outside, waving his arms and capering about to distract them long enough for our heroes to lock and load and hop into an appropriately sized truck. The undead hordes are not amused by dancing, and will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.
The Cloyingly Self-Effacing Hero: Erik Ainge, QB, Tennessee
How He'll Save The Day: Sneaking past the gibbering masses in the dead of night, will slip on a discarded shotgun shell and break both legs in the fall. Will implacably insist on not being carried because He'll Only Slow You Down, and will accept no comfort---but does gather all remaining grenades. After the explosion, the hordes will fall upon his flesh and the flesh of their shredded comrades, allowing you to escape.
The Hothead: Knowshon Moreno, RB, Georgia
How He'll Save The Day: With tears in his eyes and an unearthly battle howl in his throat, by completely losing his shit and barreling into the penultimate wave of zombies at full force, ripping and tearing their limbs with his bare hands. A valiant effort, but the thing about zombies is there's always Just Too Many. The undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.
The Shrewish Love Interest: Colt David, K, LSU
How He'll Save The Day: After spending the entire ordeal displaying gradually more obvious signs of crumbling and generally slowing everyone down, will drop to his knees shortly into the sprint over open ground to safety, wailing that It's Hopeless and We'll Never Make It. The undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.
The Cheap Shot You Don't See Coming: Kyle Jackson, S, Florida
How He'll Save The Day: As you stagger over the final hill between your sleepy little borough and the haven of the convenient nearby military base/open sea/arms of Orgeron, will burst inexplicably into flames and fall in a shrieking, ineffectual heap at the crest of the ridge. Cold and raw or sizzling in the skull---brains is brains is brains to a zombie. The undead hordes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape. Fade to black.
T-Tubb, if he can get his boys to aim those chop blocks at the neck, might stand a chance.
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ummmm… was that worth posting? Orson, you’re so good at what you do… but.
maybe you should reread this and rethink your day.
lub u
by burt77 on Feb 27, 2008 10:29 AM EST reply actions
I ended up taking this “What are your chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse” quiz, and then took the results to heart when I bought a meat tenderizer… now I don’t have to run to my car to get my golf clubs.
by Grimey on Feb 27, 2008 10:34 AM EST reply actions
burt77 …..Holly wrote this… And I for one welcome our zombie overlords.
by citizencrane on Feb 27, 2008 10:38 AM EST reply actions
Get it? Because Kyle Jackson got torched in the secon…never mind. [walks away, scuffing at invisible pebbles on ground]
by Holly on Feb 27, 2008 10:45 AM EST reply actions
The Desginated Horror Movie Hottie — Holly
How She’ll Save the Day: As the undead hordes chase the masses of EDSBS posters over hill and dale away from their tailgates, suddenly, she turns to face the emotionless mob, which stops — transfixed — in an attempt to read the words strategically painted on her chest. Meanwhile, everyone escapes, and the zombies worship Holly as a goddess.
by DevilGrad on Feb 27, 2008 10:48 AM EST reply actions
This post makes we wonder what a zombie ALL SEC team would look like, and would it be coached by Bear Bryant (already dead) or Lou Holtz (Already Dead)…
by Dave(not that one, the other one) on Feb 27, 2008 10:51 AM EST reply actions
Where does Lou Holtz fit in to all this?
by Chips O'Toole on Feb 27, 2008 10:51 AM EST reply actions
Lou Holtz is our Mother Abigail, if you’ll recall your regular season catechism. Rocking in a chair on his porch in a shawl and watching the armageddon with a vague look of amusement.
by Holly on Feb 27, 2008 10:54 AM EST reply actions
Chips…who do you think motivated the zombies?
“Go out pthere an sthow them what ith meens to be unthdeath. Now leth go!”
by Digital Headbutt on Feb 27, 2008 10:57 AM EST reply actions
Holly, I have to admit that I could only continue to read this post because of my secret Vol-crush on you.
by Vol on Feb 27, 2008 11:16 AM EST reply actions
#12….not to mention the fact that his projectile spittle would serve to infect any remaining survivors with The Rage.
by Chips O'Toole on Feb 27, 2008 11:19 AM EST reply actions
But who is the member of the party who gets bitten but keeps it from the rest of the group till he turns at the worst possible moment and takes out at least one of the other survivors?
by oc phil on Feb 27, 2008 11:26 AM EST reply actions
The Zombies have already taken Henig and devoured his fur covered flesh. Henig announced his retirement from throwing intereceptions for MSU last month.
by lance harbor on Feb 27, 2008 11:26 AM EST reply actions
The question is whether or not Lord Saban is responsible for said apocalypse or savior.
by ThreenOut on Feb 27, 2008 11:28 AM EST reply actions
Are we forgetting the most important character of all? Tebow will show up to destroy any and all zombies.
by Last Dragon on Feb 27, 2008 11:30 AM EST reply actions
turns out the spread is remarkably effective against zombies.
by kleph on Feb 27, 2008 11:31 AM EST reply actions
Why is coach Tubberville at a bama pep rally?
Did Dreamland BBQ run out of napkins?
by hunglikehussain on Feb 27, 2008 11:35 AM EST reply actions
18 i thought would be les miles…. a 500 lb gorilla w/ a chainsaw for a **** would conquer all.
by ThreenOut on Feb 27, 2008 11:36 AM EST reply actions
Weiss and Fulmer, not the nimblest pair, cannot outrun the undead hordes, which fall upon their flesh. You stroll casually away, as the zombies are simply unable to eat another bite.
by Vol on Feb 27, 2008 11:46 AM EST reply actions
I guess the title to my scenario would be “The Token Fat Guys”
by Vol on Feb 27, 2008 11:49 AM EST reply actions
But who is the member of the party who gets bitten but keeps it from the rest of the group till he turns at the worst possible moment and takes out at least one of the other survivors?
John Parker Wilson?
by Rival on Feb 27, 2008 12:03 PM EST reply actions
[Lou Holtz] when you sthqueezth and orangsch you get orangsch juisth… when you sthqueezth a zschombie you get your assch eaten [/Lou Holtz]
by Cincy on Feb 27, 2008 12:16 PM EST reply actions
I have, um, concerns about the future of EDSBS…
But, no, I have no interest in destroying the fort to save it, so carry on.
by Coop on Feb 27, 2008 12:40 PM EST reply actions
But who is the member of the party who gets bitten but keeps it from the rest of the group till he turns at the worst possible moment and takes out at least one of the other survivors?
John Parker Wilson?
My thoughts exactly.
by Holly on Feb 27, 2008 12:45 PM EST reply actions
You forgot to mention Herbstreit running off with the pretty co-ed.
by Stockman on Feb 27, 2008 1:01 PM EST reply actions
But who is the member of the party who gets bitten but keeps it from the rest of the group till he turns at the worst possible moment and takes out at least one of the other survivors?
I was thinking Bobby Petrino.
by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 27, 2008 1:13 PM EST reply actions
Coop, go long! No, no – keep going! Go, go! Deeper! I can throw a ball two thousand miles! Keep going!
[dusts off hands]
Finally, some peace and quiet ’round here.
by PB on Feb 27, 2008 1:40 PM EST reply actions
The Great White Hope/The Sportscar in the parking garage Tim Tebow
How Hell Save the Day: Like the Hothead Moreno, Tim will TebowSmash his way through thousands of santan’s undead minions. The surviors cry tears of relief, proclaiming the war against the undead over. Then suddenly Tebow slips on a zombie’s dismembered eyeball and hurts his shoulder a little bit. The undead hoardes will fall upon his flesh, allowing you to escape.
by LarryMunson'sHead on Feb 27, 2008 1:51 PM EST reply actions
Regarding #8, shouyldn’t this team be coached by Joe Paterno (most definitely a member of the undead)?
by rusty on Feb 27, 2008 2:09 PM EST reply actions
Is that Greg Biffle in the yellow hat in the first pic?
by Timugen on Feb 27, 2008 2:34 PM EST reply actions
In this scenario, does Prothro eat his own leg?
by Allahver Fist on Feb 27, 2008 2:56 PM EST reply actions
Actually, it’s more likely that the zombies would run past Kyle Jackson like he wasn’t there.
by Chas on Feb 27, 2008 2:57 PM EST reply actions
Timugen,
Not sure about the Greg Biffel siting, although I must admit I have not idea what he looks like. Don’t all nascar drivers have that cheesy redneck mustache a la Dale Jarrett?
But, I can say with certainty that the zombie just above Coach Brooks head, at about 11 o’clock, is definately Dr. Gregory House.
by skinnyphatman on Feb 27, 2008 3:20 PM EST reply actions
- - you are so correct. my apologies, Orson
ummmm was that worth posting? Holly, youre so good at what you do but.
maybe you should reread this and rethink your day.
lub u
by burt77 on Feb 27, 2008 3:43 PM EST reply actions
New rule: unless you’re talking mechanical clam harvestation techniques, rethink your decision to post comments degrading those who write here.
Who the f-ck doesn’t love zombies, anyway?
Mechanized clam harvesters, apparently. Jesus.
by Peter Bean on Feb 27, 2008 7:33 PM EST reply actions
Peter, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraints of speech…
Kidding. Point taken. And agreed with.
by Vol on Feb 27, 2008 7:49 PM EST reply actions
Wasn’t the source virus host traced back to the Singlet Guy?
Of course, Saban didn’t bother to even look at the zombies. They’re too slow to recruit.
by mambajack on Feb 27, 2008 11:59 PM EST reply actions
Are we forgetting the most important character of all? Tebow will show up to destroy any and all zombies.
Tebow is Ash.
Hail to the King, baby.
by Chris on Feb 28, 2008 9:13 AM EST reply actions
mechanical clam harvester? my company has one of those… no, really… i’m serious…
by burt77 on Feb 28, 2008 10:19 AM EST reply actions
burt77 (if that’s your real name) – We know, bub. That’s why he mentioned it. I think maybe you should get back on the porch now.
Jesus.
by jebus on Feb 28, 2008 11:10 AM EST reply actions
I enjoy it when the blog buddies come over to “defend the honor,” of their brethren. It wasn’t funny, and if someone wants to criticize it they can. She even admitted it was not funny over on Snarkastic. Seriously, the Laff Riots are great.
Also, playing Internet Chivalry Hero is beyond pathetic.
I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t count amongst my best friends someone whom I have met less than 5 times and lives hundreds or thousands of miles away from me.
I guess I will just have to get a blog to, “understand.”
by Coop on Feb 28, 2008 2:13 PM EST reply actions
Don’t bother. No one – and I mean no one – would read it.
by The Great Barstoolio on Feb 28, 2008 2:36 PM EST reply actions
Awww, I missed the slap fight.
She even admitted it was not funny over on Snarkastic.
Not sure what you’re referring to, but I never said that. I had a blast writing this. “Funny to ten people” is sort of What I Do (see: eight years of Snarkastic, half of it written in some weird twinsy language). Not everyone has to like zombie/CFB hybrid comedy (I guess…), and the quick wit of most haters (even if they’re my haters) is, forserious, one of my favorite things about this place. Carry on.
by Holly on Feb 28, 2008 2:36 PM EST reply actions
Holly, I was merely referencing your remarks about your piece, “getting away from me.” Perhaps I inferred more than I should have.
Anyway, congratulations on becoming a member of the EDSBS staff, whatever that entails, and I hope your brand of humor translates well on this site.
I look forward to EDSBS continuing to help me get through my word days, as do the vast majority of people who read this website.
Suffice it to say I find it laughable that the blog buddies come out to defend you as if someone is physically attacking you. Well, pathetic, but laughable as well.
Again, congratulations on your new role on EDSBS. Maybe you can parlay your work on here into a paying gig like Mr. Swindle.*
- - Not to be taken literally as I know you are a writer in Hollywood to some extent, thus you are already being compensated for your creativity.
by Coop on Feb 28, 2008 4:24 PM EST reply actions
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