CURIOUS INDEX, 2/27/08

by Orson on Feb 27, 2008 9:13 AM EST

Nick Saban refers to Alabama's two recent arrests as "a problem." Phil Fulmer scoffs at you, Nick Saban, and wonders if you machine wash your panties separately with non-allergenic soap, or just give them a good hand-washing in the sink before they hit the drying rack.

Rutgers has magical mouthpieces that make them run faster. Swarms of earwax candle salesmen, Tahitian Noni Juice reps, naturopaths on the way to East Rutherford as we speak. The reason you didn't make those tackles against West Virginia? Gluten allergies, man. And all those chemicals and shit. Thank Xenu for "bilateral electrical stimulation!"

Humanity!: the web site has testimony from one equestrian who testifies that not only did the mouthpiece improve her balance, but that it in turn made her "HOT" Arabian steed "looser and more fluid." ATHLETES! FOR MAXIMUM PERFORMANCE AND ENHANCED MUSCULATURE IMMEDIATELY MAIL $1000 to SWINDLE INDUSTRIES, LLC!!! WE GUARANTEE "RESULTS!"*

Pete Carroll's Facebook message: "Pete Carroll loves this SoCal weather...and it's only February!" Pete Carroll's life is in technicolor, and yours is still in black and white.

Call him Ming the Merciless 'cause he's bleeding green: Dominique Douglas, freshly booted from Iowa football, shows you his impressive ability to compile cash on Facebook.

Douglas also makes the following unique claims that in addition to his ability to make large amounts of undocumented cash, he is also:

--Unbelievably virile.
--Will steal your chick if she's a bad bitch.
--Carrying a gun, and not afraid to use it.
--Fearless.
--God-fearing, despite all the drama.
--Surrounded my loyal men who will not testify against him in court.

Curiously, if you check Ron Franklin's professional resume, the ESPN announcer claims all of these as accomplishments, too.

Perhaps Kansas needs less nightlife. Kansas State running back James Johnson must have pissed someone off something surrious. Remember: stabbing = passion, and beating someone after stabbing them is passion plus a hellacious beating.

RCPD Lt. Kurt Moldrup said senior running back James Johnson allegedly was stabbed five times by Aaron Wallace, 26, of Kansas City, Kan., during a confrontation that began at a bar and continued at an after-party at 1752 Cassell Road. After the stabbing, a group of people at the house allegedly beat Wallace until he was unconscious, according to RCPD reports.

Johnson's as OK as someone can be after being stabbed, then beaten, and then waking up and realizing they're still in Kansas.

Um: Me fail English unpossible sorry: Wallace was beaten after stabbing Johnson. Reality interferes with joke again.

Because we need some pure, unstabbed lunacy this a.m. The Pharcyde and the Brand New Heavies + eight pounds of marijuana= us spraining an ankle dancing around the home office.

*Results may include jackshit and increased blogger happiness due to fat electronic goods and high-end liquor purchases.

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Comments

I think you got it mixed up, the dude that did the stabbing was beaten unconscious…which is pretty cool if you ask me…

by Pants McPants on Feb 27, 2008 9:16 AM EST reply actions

Come on, Nique.
True playas, such as PacMan Jones, know that you are supposed to keep your cash in Hefty bags.

by GamecockTony on Feb 27, 2008 9:18 AM EST reply actions

My girlfriend has a gluten allergy. We’ll have something to talk about tonight

by DanF on Feb 27, 2008 9:23 AM EST reply actions

I’ve burned out two copies of this CD since high school. Orson, you a down-ass, white boy.

by Harris on Feb 27, 2008 9:25 AM EST reply actions

Is anyone else imagining a Rocky II style confrontation in the hospital as they were being wheeled out, or even better, a straight resumption of hostilities? Last man rolling.

by Biggus Rickus on Feb 27, 2008 9:26 AM EST reply actions

smart play by douglas there. if you pay the year on an apartment like that in advance they’ll often give you one month free. two if you pay in cash.

by kleph on Feb 27, 2008 9:29 AM EST reply actions

Harris, we can’t resist a collaboration with the Brand New Heavies, a James Brown sample, a nod to the Jetsons, and a chorus that involves the phrase “shot him in the ass on the downstroke.”

by Orson Swindle on Feb 27, 2008 9:31 AM EST reply actions

Am I watching an album cover there? Not into that music at all.

It’s sad that I’m whiter than Orson.

by Rival on Feb 27, 2008 9:53 AM EST reply actions

In that pic, even the coffee mug appears to be made of money. That’s commitment to a theme!

by jakldawg on Feb 27, 2008 10:05 AM EST reply actions

shot em in the ass on the deeeoown stroke!

by 3rd on Feb 27, 2008 10:21 AM EST reply actions

If you jump to the other pictures that display fine entrepreneurship, he actually has money in his MOUTH. The first lesson my Mom taught me was, never put money in your mouth! Disgusting, why don’t you just mainline dysentery. And of course with 10+ large on the table there is the obligatory hair brush. I am sure there is a lint roller somewhere near by that is not pictured.

by King Harvest on Feb 27, 2008 10:25 AM EST reply actions