GUEST COLUMNIST: RON PAUL
by Orson on Feb 26, 2008 1:08 PM EST
61 comments
Ron Paul: 'bout that bling.Our guest columnist today is Presidential Candidate Ron "Dr. No-Huddle" Paul.
Thanks for having me here. I'm not sure who you are, what you want, or why I'm even here. In fact, I don't know who I'm writing this to. Why do people send me letters? Why do people on the internet like me? I don't know. Really, I don't know. Someone picks me up from my house in the morning, takes me places, and I just start talking until someone claps. These are all things I don't know. Where am I? Really, where am I?
What I do know about is freedom and 1970s standards of gynecology. That's why I still believe in two things: the Dalkon Shield and the Constitution. Especially the Constitution. I may have had my hands in more vaginas than any other member of congress except for John Boehner, but at least I got paid for doing it, and not the other way around. Is that a joke? Why are you all laughing? I'm confused? Yes, I'm confused!
Hey, why's my name on a blimp? A blimp? Really? I'm thrilled about the possibilities of dirigible travel. It's one of my passions, but I'll tell you this: you won't see me telling you that the government should be involved in making blimps, unless they're blimps equipped with machine guns to put up along the Mexican border, because it's a well-known fact that Mexicans fear both guns and blimps. It's natural law, just like the Constitution and the rules of Yahtzee.
Speaking of games that involve hitting your spouse: football. I'm here to talk about football? Really? Okay, I'll talk about it. Ron Paul likes football, but doesn't like a few things about football as it stands in America.
First, a Ron Paul administration believes you should go ahead and do what you like in football. Helmets are unnecessary encumbrances on your basic freedoms as a football player! In fact, by restricting what you can see on the field, it actually causes more accidents and injuries.
Second, I believe the football should conform to all of the clauses of the Constitution, including the second amendment. You can't like one, and not like the other. Do I think this means you should be able to carry guns on the field? That's not the government's business unless you want to tell people they can't carry guns onto the field. And from what I've seen, the introduction of firearms into the game could make for some real excitement on the field, people!
Now that's freedom? Wait, that's not what the card says. Now, THAT'S Freedom! Who's typing these things again? What was I talking about...
Oh, third: rules. You're free, and that's a huge responsibility. So when it comes to first downs, we can't as a nation rely on the oversight of replay officials, or the unsubtle fascism of chalk lines, or even the quiet tyranny of aluminum stands. There's so much order in this game, it's a wonder people don't all wear the same colors to the games! Wait, they do? Well, you know the last time I saw uniforms this consistent and well-arranged? Soviet Russia, my friends, the largest totalitarian regime currently standing on the planet. That's the road to serfdom, people, and you pay eighty bucks a jersey for it! If you're that keen on matching, I'll buy you an Aeroflot ticket to Leningrad myself so you can be somewhere you feel more comfortable, Ivan.
(Steve, stop looking at me like that! People on the internet LOVE me. And I would buy anyone who disagrees with me a ticket to Leningrad, I would. St. Petersburg? Florida? Why would I send anyone to hang with a bunch of retirees? Do I pay you? Where am I again?)
Oh, and you've played in your backyard using a spare pair of flipflops and a stolen traffic cone as first down markers, or even resorted to the "two-completions-makes-a-first-down" rule---why can't football do this, too? The games are too long as is, so let's just get rid of the meddling regulators in black and white and just let the players decide what makes a first down or not? And as for seating, let the people figure that out. Stampedes are the natural byproduct of competition, and those crushed by them? Their body parts can earn a fair price on the open market like every other good, like babies and Honda Accords do.
And who cares what goes in players' bodies? It's not for the Federal Government to decide that, or even care. Remember Tony Mandarich? What a specimen he was, and he was hopped up on every imaginable kind of supplement the government wants you to believe is harmful: horse testosterone, distilled monkey semen, nandraolone, HGH, stanazolol, Tylenol PM, Tylenol AM, Tylenolalone, pure hydrogen enemas, espresso eye drops, methamphetamine gummy bears, morphine... he had it all, and look at what it did for him.
See? He looks just like that now, but with a second head. He's twice as free!
Why this is any concern of the federal government is beyond me, since both he and his second head are doing just fine last I checked. Heck, I could be on the last quaalude in the Western Hemisphere right now, and you wouldn't know. I'm not! I'm not not on the last quaalude! Freedom!
Oh, and most importantly, it's not the job of the federal government to tell you how to gamble on football. It's just not. You should be able to set a fair price on points, point-shaving, intentional injuries and mid-game assassinations as your whim in accordance with the laws of the free-market. How else will we develop the bullet-proof players of the future without the invisible hand of the market whisking away the weak, non-bulletproof players of yesterday from the field? What you do with your money is none of the federal government's business, even when it comes to paying a bookie thirty large to put mescaline in Tim Tebow's cereal prior to a big rivalry game. Freedom!
And one final note: under a Ron Paul presidency--when it happens, not if!--you'll get your gambling winnings back not in this imaginary scrap you call cash, but in the only thing of real value besides freedom: Spanish doubloons.
I'm Ron Paul, and I think I'm running for President. Thank you all, whoever you are, and wherever I am.
Ron Paul is running for President as a Republican in 2008. If you have never touched a girl, you have to vote for him. It's in the Constitution.
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well… after a short trip to wiki, now I know what a Dalkon Shield is.
by Cincy on Feb 26, 2008 1:19 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Its my understanding that the Democrats want to tax every good team 4 points for every touchdown they score because its just not fair that they work harder and are better than the lousy teams…
by beckett929 on Feb 26, 2008 1:26 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
distilled monkey semen. tylenoladone.
by allyourkegsarebelongtostafford on Feb 26, 2008 1:33 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I always thought Paul was kind of a joke, but now? I’m on board. My God, imagine the carnage that football could cause! Every game would resemble The Road Warrior, minus the cars, trucks, and flying go-karts.
by Biggus Rickus on Feb 26, 2008 1:35 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Nothing like a John Boehner joke to reveal Orson’s inner policy wonk.
I can’t vouch for any Boehner stories, but I know that he’s a contender only because Strom Thurmond is dead.
by DevilGrad on Feb 26, 2008 1:36 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
if the neo-nazis say ron paul is one of them and john mayer gets drunk and yells at mac dude justin long about how “ron paul knows the constitution”, this is clearly a visionary who’s campaign i can get behind
by worstfan on Feb 26, 2008 1:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I saw Ron Paul in person Saturday. He was good. His supporters, not so much. But I was surprised by Paul, based on some of his television appearances. He was much more coherent and less shrill. Not ‘presidential,’ whatever that means (he clearly accepts he can’t win), but making sense to the libertarian side of me that’s hanging on for dear life.
by Hannibal Montegna on Feb 26, 2008 1:45 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Ron Paul is T. Herman Zweibel. This all makes sense now.
by PeteJayhawk on Feb 26, 2008 2:04 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I thought politics were verboten…or ?? ??? for you Obama fans….
by Greenie on Feb 26, 2008 2:37 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
The ?? ??? is arabic for forbidden… apparently only western alphabets are allowed…
by Greenie on Feb 26, 2008 2:39 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
http://msn.foxsports.com/cfb/story/7841062/Fitzgerald-no-longer-a-student-at-Virginia
DE for Virginia not named Chris Long no longer enrolled, No details available via Fox, but maybe something on a message board.
by That 5.0 Guy on Feb 26, 2008 2:58 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
would’ve been hilarious about 2 months ago
by Holstein on Feb 26, 2008 3:09 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
For those who do not know about Ron Paul
Brief Overview of Congressman Pauls Record:
He has never voted to raise taxes.
He has never voted for an unbalanced budget.
He has never voted for a federal restriction on gun ownership.
He has never voted to raise congressional pay.
He has never taken a government-paid junket.
He has never voted to increase the power of the executive branch.
He voted against the Patriot Act.
He voted against regulating the Internet.
He voted against the Iraq war.
He does not participate in the lucrative congressional pension program.
He returns a portion of his annual congressional office budget to the U.S. treasury every year.
by EvansHall on Feb 26, 2008 3:15 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Pegging the USD to gold? That can’t possibly be bad!
by robert on Feb 26, 2008 3:19 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Mandarich? We’re talkin Michigan State here, what did you expect? The next Brian Bozworth?
by yoyofutbawl on Feb 26, 2008 3:25 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Re: 15
Get back on the couch and find a sense of humor.
by mlmintampa on Feb 26, 2008 3:25 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I do think it’s interesting that Greenie’s first instinct is to use German when talking about politics.
Otherwise, I’m not touching this thread with a ten meter electrified cattle prod.
by DC Trojan on Feb 26, 2008 3:26 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
We apologize to all who were offended by this post. We understand the sight of massive naked breasts is not something everyone appreciates.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 26, 2008 3:30 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Mandarich, man breast so big they eat like a meal … if you’re into that sort of thing. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
by Nutter on Feb 26, 2008 3:45 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Ron Paul has many good qualities, on paper. That doesn’t keep him or his Pauliacs from being insufferable nutters. No offense to poster Nutter.
Orson, there’s a, ahem, large difference between a roided out giant’s chest and a sweet, sweet set of mammaries of the female persuasion.
by Irwin Fletcher on Feb 26, 2008 3:57 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#15,
We don’t discuss politics on this site, but since you brought it up, Ron Paul has earmarks he puts on every spending bill, and then votes against it because he knows it will pass, and he can later say he voted against it.
He’s no different than any other politician, except for the fact that the guy is nuttier than squirrel shit.
by Steve on Feb 26, 2008 4:01 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
20
I wanted to be sure to post in languages both parties understand….
by Greenie on Feb 26, 2008 4:07 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#24, it’s called being “pragmatic.” Earmarks are about the only way to get federal highway funding. If RP were elected, he’d seek to change that.
by MiseanAuFan on Feb 26, 2008 4:28 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#19,
Please don’t misinterpret my post. I think the post is funny.
Did I say I was offended by the article? Do I knock it in anyway?
No. I just want to get the word out about Ron Paul for those who have not heard about him.
by EvansHall on Feb 26, 2008 4:31 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Irwin,
Would you like to demostrate the “nutterness” of him or his supporters, or are you just going to engage in name-calling?
by MiseanAuFan on Feb 26, 2008 4:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Greenie @ 26 Little slow here today, don’t mind me.
by DC Trojan on Feb 26, 2008 4:43 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Spencer’s brother Evans isn’t familiar with the rules in here.
by PW on Feb 26, 2008 5:14 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
@13: the unsubstantiated rumor re: Jeffrey Fitzgerald (who is awesome, but not named Chris Long, so not covered extensively during telecasts) may have had a little problem where UVa keeps your offense unnamed but there is only a “single sanction”: expulsion.
Think suspended Duke QB’s, not lax players.
by now_a_hoo on Feb 26, 2008 5:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Apparently Paul is so nutty he falls beyond the realm of politics since he does not attract hot deth via cattle air-gun (or silenced rifle).
Libertarianism has a lot in common with communism. Both are based on ideals that sound good on paper, but they turn into a total clusterfuck in the real world. It’s great for the government to have less power but the problem is, who then gets the power? If it is the “private sector” that means corporations and then you are in real trouble. Corporations are more efficient than the government, but when they are acting against the interest of the people, being more efficient can be a very bad thing.
by oc phil on Feb 26, 2008 5:25 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
“Libertarianism has a lot in common with communism. Both are based on ideals that sound good on paper, but they turn into a total clusterfuck in the real world. Its great for the government to have less power but the problem is, who then gets the power? If it is the private sector that means corporations and then you are in real trouble. Corporations are more efficient than the government, but when they are acting against the interest of the people, being more efficient can be a very bad thing.”
Spoken like a true sheep. Blame everything on the evil, heartless, private sector, throw out some generalizations, and run away.
by MiseanAuFan on Feb 26, 2008 5:32 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#32,
Uh oh … is Spencer this blogs pariah?
Sincerely, sorry if I violated the rules. I didn’t know posting some information about a guy would cause so much trouble.
FWIW, I’ve been reading every post on this blog for at least two years now, but I just don’t comment much.
by EvansHall on Feb 26, 2008 5:38 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
LOL. I get it now http://www.everydayshouldbesaturday.com/orson-swindle-faqs/
by EvansHall on Feb 26, 2008 5:41 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
ocphil, if corporations act against the people, then they go bankrupt (by not selling anything, or by being sued)- it’s that little thing called “accountability,” which, for the most part, is absent from the federal government.
(I could go on to mention entities such as Underwriters Laboratories and Quality Assurance- examples of private entities doing a better job of regulating products than the federal government, or the fact that private charities do more to address people in need than the federal government could ever do- both for poor people and victims of national disasters)
We can take this outside (togue-in-cheek) if you want, since this isn’t supposed to be the place for political jabs.
by MiseanAuFan on Feb 26, 2008 5:42 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
ocphil, I’d be willing to bet that your entire political philosophy is based on Marxism.
by MiseanAuFan on Feb 26, 2008 5:43 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Orson,
Brother, you haven’t seen anything yet. If you don’t lock these comments, the grass roots supporters will come by the thousands and tell you what they think.
by EvansHall on Feb 26, 2008 5:57 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
A copy and pasted bio off the RP website? Libertarianism, communism and marxism? UNIVERSAL UNDERWRITERS?!?!?!
WTF is going on?!?!
Orson, for the love of all that is holy, please be liberal with the red card usage…
by Tater Salad on Feb 26, 2008 6:17 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
#42,
What’s going on here? Swindle is holding up a lightning rod.
by EvansHall on Feb 26, 2008 6:21 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I see the humor in this post, it’s just the cheap political jabs found in the comments that enticed me (and could entice others) to respond and make this whole thing go in a different direction. That being said, I’m done with this one, and sorry.
by MiseanAUFan on Feb 26, 2008 6:23 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Cheap political jabs incite more cheap political jabs?!
It’s a cycle! Who knew?
by Rival on Feb 26, 2008 6:34 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
This blog’s first voyage through a Presidential Election is a bumpy one.
by Allahver Fist on Feb 26, 2008 6:46 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
The people’s flag is deepest red,
It shrouded oft our martyr’d dead
And ere their limbs grew stiff and cold,
Their hearts’ blood dyed its ev’ry fold.
Then raise the scarlet standard high,
Within its shade we’ll live and die,
Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer,
We’ll keep the red flag flying here.
Wait, red card not red flag? Have I just revealed more than I meant to? Oh dear.
by DC Trojan on Feb 26, 2008 6:48 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
“Its a cycle! Who knew?”
Just like the one the Federal Reserve creates ever-
I’ll stop.
by MiseanAUFan on Feb 26, 2008 6:49 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I’m just happy I didn’t incite the political argument this time.
by Biggus Rickus on Feb 26, 2008 7:10 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Biggus—
For your good behavior, we show that we are swift with both punishment and praise for the commentariat.
For you, sir, for not starting an inane 2001-era political thread:
(That’s O’Toole and Burton from Becket.)
by Orson Swindle on Feb 26, 2008 7:37 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Am I the only one that had an Ann Coulter ad above the comment box? Something about free emails every week? I know politics are off-limits..but I feel the need to address something. I wouldn’t hit Ann Coulter with Orson’s dick and MiseanAUFan pushing..just saying…she has the eyes of a clubbed baby seal.
by CapstoneAlum on Feb 27, 2008 12:21 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Wow, my first ever pictorial granting of drinks…I don’t know what to say. sniff I love everybody! wracking sobs
by Biggus Rickus on Feb 27, 2008 7:36 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
@30-
This is not the time or place for me to respond. Keep it light, yo?
Some simple google searches on Ron Paul will lead you to the answer(s) of your questions.
by Irwin Fletcher on Feb 27, 2008 7:49 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
Irwin, I can use google. If you want to debate this somehwere else, fine, otherwise, don’t assume your opinion on the subject is more informed than anyone else’s. And if you’re not one to open your poisitons to debate, then you’re a sad man.
by MiseanAuFan on Feb 27, 2008 10:14 AM EST reply actions 0 recs
What is a paultard, pete? Enlighten me.
by MiseanAuFan on Feb 27, 2008 12:39 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
Pete @#57 – a happy hour’s worth of doubles to you.
by Out of Conference on Feb 27, 2008 4:04 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
I took a wrong turn on the dark roads leading to the Savannah airport trying to catch an early flight last month when I turned down an unmarked road and found myself staring face to face with the Ron Paul blimp. There was a semi tractor with a telescopic rod coming out of the back and the blimp was moored to it—a portable blimp dock. Scared the shit out of me—I thought for a moment I was on another planet.
by Brandon Lang on Feb 27, 2008 8:47 PM EST reply actions 0 recs
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