Ron Paul: ’bout that bling.

Our guest columnist today is Presidential Candidate Ron “Dr. No-Huddle” Paul.

Thanks for having me here. I’m not sure who you are, what you want, or why I’m even here. In fact, I don’t know who I’m writing this to. Why do people send me letters? Why do people on the internet like me? I don’t know. Really, I don’t know. Someone picks me up from my house in the morning, takes me places, and I just start talking until someone claps. These are all things I don’t know. Where am I? Really, where am I?

What I do know about is freedom and 1970s standards of gynecology. That’s why I still believe in two things: the Dalkon Shield and the Constitution. Especially the Constitution. I may have had my hands in more vaginas than any other member of congress except for John Boehner, but at least I got paid for doing it, and not the other way around. Is that a joke? Why are you all laughing? I’m confused? Yes, I’m confused!

Hey, why’s my name on a blimp? A blimp? Really? I’m thrilled about the possibilities of dirigible travel. It’s one of my passions, but I’ll tell you this: you won’t see me telling you that the government should be involved in making blimps, unless they’re blimps equipped with machine guns to put up along the Mexican border, because it’s a well-known fact that Mexicans fear both guns and blimps. It’s natural law, just like the Constitution and the rules of Yahtzee.

Speaking of games that involve hitting your spouse: football. I’m here to talk about football? Really? Okay, I’ll talk about it. Ron Paul likes football, but doesn’t like a few things about football as it stands in America.

First, a Ron Paul administration believes you should go ahead and do what you like in football. Helmets are unnecessary encumbrances on your basic freedoms as a football player! In fact, by restricting what you can see on the field, it actually causes more accidents and injuries.

Second, I believe the football should conform to all of the clauses of the Constitution, including the second amendment. You can’t like one, and not like the other. Do I think this means you should be able to carry guns on the field? That’s not the government’s business unless you want to tell people they can’t carry guns onto the field. And from what I’ve seen, the introduction of firearms into the game could make for some real excitement on the field, people!

Now that’s freedom? Wait, that’s not what the card says. Now, THAT’S Freedom! Who’s typing these things again? What was I talking about…

Oh, third: rules. You’re free, and that’s a huge responsibility. So when it comes to first downs, we can’t as a nation rely on the oversight of replay officials, or the unsubtle fascism of chalk lines, or even the quiet tyranny of aluminum stands. There’s so much order in this game, it’s a wonder people don’t all wear the same colors to the games! Wait, they do? Well, you know the last time I saw uniforms this consistent and well-arranged? Soviet Russia, my friends, the largest totalitarian regime currently standing on the planet. That’s the road to serfdom, people, and you pay eighty bucks a jersey for it! If you’re that keen on matching, I’ll buy you an Aeroflot ticket to Leningrad myself so you can be somewhere you feel more comfortable, Ivan.

(Steve, stop looking at me like that! People on the internet LOVE me. And I would buy anyone who disagrees with me a ticket to Leningrad, I would. St. Petersburg? Florida? Why would I send anyone to hang with a bunch of retirees? Do I pay you? Where am I again?)

Oh, and you’ve played in your backyard using a spare pair of flipflops and a stolen traffic cone as first down markers, or even resorted to the “two-completions-makes-a-first-down” rule—why can’t football do this, too? The games are too long as is, so let’s just get rid of the meddling regulators in black and white and just let the players decide what makes a first down or not? And as for seating, let the people figure that out. Stampedes are the natural byproduct of competition, and those crushed by them? Their body parts can earn a fair price on the open market like every other good, like babies and Honda Accords do.

And who cares what goes in players’ bodies? It’s not for the Federal Government to decide that, or even care. Remember Tony Mandarich? What a specimen he was, and he was hopped up on every imaginable kind of supplement the government wants you to believe is harmful: horse testosterone, distilled monkey semen, nandraolone, HGH, stanazolol, Tylenol PM, Tylenol AM, Tylenolalone, pure hydrogen enemas, espresso eye drops, methamphetamine gummy bears, morphine… he had it all, and look at what it did for him.


See? He looks just like that now, but with a second head. He’s twice as free!

Why this is any concern of the federal government is beyond me, since both he and his second head are doing just fine last I checked. Heck, I could be on the last quaalude in the Western Hemisphere right now, and you wouldn’t know. I’m not! I’m not not on the last quaalude! Freedom!

Oh, and most importantly, it’s not the job of the federal government to tell you how to gamble on football. It’s just not. You should be able to set a fair price on points, point-shaving, intentional injuries and mid-game assassinations as your whim in accordance with the laws of the free-market. How else will we develop the bullet-proof players of the future without the invisible hand of the market whisking away the weak, non-bulletproof players of yesterday from the field? What you do with your money is none of the federal government’s business, even when it comes to paying a bookie thirty large to put mescaline in Tim Tebow’s cereal prior to a big rivalry game. Freedom!

And one final note: under a Ron Paul presidency–when it happens, not if!–you’ll get your gambling winnings back not in this imaginary scrap you call cash, but in the only thing of real value besides freedom: Spanish doubloons.

I’m Ron Paul, and I think I’m running for President. Thank you all, whoever you are, and wherever I am.

Ron Paul is running for President as a Republican in 2008. If you have never touched a girl, you have to vote for him. It’s in the Constitution.