Reggie Bush failed to show up for his deposition in the civil suit Lloyd Lake filed against him. Just like he failed to show up in the 2006 Rose Bowl WOCKA WOCKA? Wait, 82 yards on 13 carries and 6 catches for 95 yards? Who’s writing this shit? Seriously? Who put this in the fucking teleprompter? I will find them and attach a pit bull to their balls for this. What do you mean we’re fucking live on the air?

Bush’s attorney took advantage of cheap and obvious legal rhetoric 101 lessons in addressing Bush’s absence:

“He literally ran from his deposition,” said Brian Watkins, the attorney for sports marketer Lloyd Lake, who is suing Bush.

Because he’s a running back! Get it? There’s you, and then there’s him, way up there working on the wire. The Aristocrats!

Texas/Texas A&M returns to Thanksgiving night, meaning you can return to not remembering a thing about it thanks to being too trashed and stuffed with turkey to pay attention. We remember our time watching the Longhorns/Aggies games about as well as you remember a vacation in Laos–meaning, not at all.

Tony Kornheiser has a completely unheard-of take on bloggers you will be shocked to hear!

They’re toads. They’re little toads. Actually, they’re pimples on the behind of the greater body politic in this country and in this city (everyone in the studio cackles for no reason). And because, because they have access to airwaves and three or four people read them, they think, ‘Oh, I’m very important.’

In fact, in fact, if a huge dumpster landed on their mother’s house (cackling), and got all the way into the basement and crushed them (more cackling), nobody would care. Nobody would miss them. They provide nothing good, no service that’s any good at all. They, they are, they are, they are sucking mole rats (more cackling), and that’s the nicest I can be to them.

That’s okay. We haven’t liked Kornheiser since his Black and White special, and his HBO show was tres overrated. He was awesome in Bordello of Blood, though. We can never take that away from him.

Hawaii has signed with Under Armor, pissing off Team Goliath something large and submitting to the tyrannical rule Ogbagu the Indomitable and his army of homoerotic-sounding phrases and grunts.

Two smacks and a liftoff is still our favorite sexually suggestive phrase ever used in an Under Armour commercial. Oh, the deal ensures Hawaii will possess the most comfortable reinforced leotards in sport, which will look just dazzling as they’re crushed beneath the basic lycra of the first good opponent they face next year. (Florida!)

The official stance of this blog has changed: we want Fulmer to stay. Why? Because anything Mike Freeman is for, we’re against. If this reverses our stance on gravity, so be it. You must have principles in this life, logic be damned.