We’re conflicted over the best strategy of being caught for underage drinking: do you own up, hoping for forgiveness, nonchalant the whole thing, or do you do everything within reasonable and unreasoable power to get rid of the booze, up to and including tossing the beverage out in plain sight of the cops? Or, in short: what would John Nash do, besides claim he’d been given the idea to drink underage from messages sent to him by aliens through this morning’s crossword? What’s your optimal strategy?
Washington State tight end Trevor Mooney, caught as a 19 year old passenger in a car with go cups in hand, opted for the extraordinary effort to avoid charges, as champions should. And failed, of course:
Trevor Mooney, a redshirt freshman tight end at Washington State, was arrested and cited for being a minor in possession of alcohol early Saturday. Police saw Mooney pour liquid out the passenger window during a traffic stop, and found two cups of beer at his feet, Pullman police Cmdr. Chris Tennant said.
He didn’t lose the game, you see; he just ran out of time. Wazzou, already on the board for assault via contact lens, earns one point for the shennanigans.
Our guest columnist today is Presidential Candidate Ron “Dr. No-Huddle” Paul.
Thanks for having me here. I’m not sure who you are, what you want, or why I’m even here. In fact, I don’t know who I’m writing this to. Why do people send me letters? Why do people on the internet like me? I don’t know. Really, I don’t know. Someone picks me up from my house in the morning, takes me places, and I just start talking until someone claps. These are all things I don’t know. Where am I? Really, where am I?
What I do know about is freedom and 1970s standards of gynecology. That’s why I still believe in two things: the Dalkon Shield and the Constitution. Especially the Constitution. I may have had my hands in more vaginas than any other member of congress except for John Boehner, but at least I got paid for doing it, and not the other way around. Is that a joke? Why are you all laughing? I’m confused? Yes, I’m confused!
Hey, why’s my name on a blimp? A blimp? Really? I’m thrilled about the possibilities of dirigible travel. It’s one of my passions, but I’ll tell you this: you won’t see me telling you that the government should be involved in making blimps, unless they’re blimps equipped with machine guns to put up along the Mexican border, because it’s a well-known fact that Mexicans fear both guns and blimps. It’s natural law, just like the Constitution and the rules of Yahtzee.
Speaking of games that involve hitting your spouse: football. I’m here to talk about football? Really? Okay, I’ll talk about it. Ron Paul likes football, but doesn’t like a few things about football as it stands in America. (more…)
In the ever-expanding and poorly swept warehouse that is Swindle Industries…
Patrick is doing the quality work we couldn’t do over at Thirty Five Seconds. We’re especially fond of this.
Our piece on things the NFL combine should test for is up over at the Sporting News, and if you take nothing else from it, it should be this: Deangelo Hall’s episode of Cribs is the gold standard by which all other NFLers’ Cribs experience should be measured. That is, until D-Mac gets the signing bonus and two months with a decorator.
Our poll question of the week is: which offense has the most suggestive name? As in, “sexually suggestive” name. The nominees are:
–The Spread Option”
–”The Wishbone”
–”Pro-style”
–”The Run ‘n Shoot”
–”The Cock ‘n Fire”
–”The Flexbone”
If you have any other nominations, please let us know and we will consider adding them. Don’t try to add in Don Coryell’s innovative “Thundercock” sets or John Mackovic’s “Donghorn Stampede” formations, either, because they did not exist. Cast your vote in the sidebar to your right over there.
In the meantime, we demand that EA–when not gobbling up innovative video game studios producing some of the last remaining innovative sports games around–change the racist terminology in their games at once!
Reggie Bush failed to show up for his deposition in the civil suit Lloyd Lake filed against him. Just like he failed to show up in the 2006 Rose Bowl WOCKA WOCKA? Wait, 82 yards on 13 carries and 6 catches for 95 yards? Who’s writing this shit? Seriously? Who put this in the fucking teleprompter? I will find them and attach a pit bull to their balls for this. What do you mean we’re fucking live on the air?
Bush’s attorney took advantage of cheap and obvious legal rhetoric 101 lessons in addressing Bush’s absence:
“He literally ran from his deposition,” said Brian Watkins, the attorney for sports marketer Lloyd Lake, who is suing Bush.
Because he’s a running back! Get it? There’s you, and then there’s him, way up there working on the wire. The Aristocrats!
Texas/Texas A&Mreturns to Thanksgiving night, meaning you can return to not remembering a thing about it thanks to being too trashed and stuffed with turkey to pay attention. We remember our time watching the Longhorns/Aggies games about as well as you remember a vacation in Laos–meaning, not at all.
They’re toads. They’re little toads. Actually, they’re pimples on the behind of the greater body politic in this country and in this city (everyone in the studio cackles for no reason). And because, because they have access to airwaves and three or four people read them, they think, ‘Oh, I’m very important.’
In fact, in fact, if a huge dumpster landed on their mother’s house (cackling), and got all the way into the basement and crushed them (more cackling), nobody would care. Nobody would miss them. They provide nothing good, no service that’s any good at all. They, they are, they are, they are sucking mole rats (more cackling), and that’s the nicest I can be to them.
That’s okay. We haven’t liked Kornheiser since his Black and White special, and his HBO show was tres overrated. He was awesome in Bordello of Blood, though. We can never take that away from him.
Hawaii has signed with Under Armor,pissing off Team Goliath something large and submitting to the tyrannical rule Ogbagu the Indomitable and his army of homoerotic-sounding phrases and grunts.
Two smacks and a liftoff is still our favorite sexually suggestive phrase ever used in an Under Armour commercial. Oh, the deal ensures Hawaii will possess the most comfortable reinforced leotards in sport, which will look just dazzling as they’re crushed beneath the basic lycra of the first good opponent they face next year. (Florida!)
The official stance of this blog has changed: we want Fulmer to stay. Why? Because anything Mike Freeman is for, we’re against. If this reverses our stance on gravity, so be it. You must have principles in this life, logic be damned.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
Lake The Posts Northwestern football, which is purple and smarter than you and no thank you would NOT like a ten win season at the cost of academic integrity, thank you very much.
Maize ‘n Brew And still yet another strong, funny, and literate Michigan blogger. Embarrassment of riches over there, really.
MGoBlog The horribly, admirably partisan Kodiak Bear of UM Blogs
Ron Paul: ’bout that bling.
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