If you’re starved beyond belief and ready to seize without football, you could head down to Auburn and catch spring practice. (What? Opelika’s got an airport. Resisting cow joke telling urge resisting cow joke telling urge.) Auburn’s working in both new offensive coordinator Tony Franklin and defensive coordinator Paul Rhoads. Today’s shocking revelation: Rhoads is different than Muschamp.
“I can already tell he’s going to be a great teacher,” Powers said. “If you screw up with Rhoads, he’s going to let you know just like Muschamp. Muschamp might have let you know a little more violently. Just comparing the two, they are great teachers and great coaches. They are passionate about football.”
Violence: exactly what we look for in our defensive coordinators, masseuses, and gardeners. Auburn’s qb are throwing way, way more passes in practice than they had under Al “Gorgeous” Borges, up to hundreds of passes a game, according to practice reports. Pat Dye, on hearing the news, wept big fat old man tears.
Meanwhile: Texas is ideating like WHOA with new blood Muschamp and Applewhite.
Spatial mathematics. Topology. At its most abstract, football is math, and particularly wirebrained coordinators understand this. Gutty Little Bruins points us toward this old but still indisuptably essential slice of Norm Chow’s playbook squeezed into a basic article on his system, and again: the inside of Chow’s brain must be a tidy, well decorated room of baroque simplicity and variation in the decorating. This play alone gets the Chessmaster treatment:
It’s called 69 Weak, and Norm Chow has already scored three touchdowns on you with it. The space-brain calculations Chow’s capable of making deplete our word bank when we reach for awestruck adjectives, so just read the damn thing and be duly impressed. If the schemes leave you cold, then at least marvel at the simple genius of Chow’s philosophy.
For our basic passing game we have a strongside vertical, and we have a middle vertical, and a weakside vertical. We have a couple of horizontal stretches and we have a couple of man routes. We have a few one-man routes. We have a route to attack Cover 2, and we have the four verticals game. That is our basic passing game. There I have told you everything we do and I did it in two minutes. Again…we have one strongside vertical route, one middle vertical route, one middle vertical and one weakside vertical. We have two horizontal stretch routes, a man route, four verticals and a Cover 2 beater. That is all we basically do. We attack everyone we play with these basic plays. Our kids know these plays the second day of practice.
It’s just that simple. Now go score forty a game just like Uncle Norm does, and you too can be the premiere signal-caller of your generation. Dear Jebus, thank you for bringing him back.
Brian brings us this week’s Big Board, an active board for those who really, really don’t have time for this shit. Notes, clarifications, and open challenges to fight follow.
The biggest leap in the board comes from Oregon State. Do not blame us, blame the authorities who file the charges and insist on playing triple-word-score with the charges for otherwise five/six point crimes.
Al Afalava, a three-year starter for the Oregon State football team’s defense, was cited for criminal mischief, which is a felony, DUII and hit-and-run by the Corvallis Police on Feb. 9, according to Corvallis Police Department public information officer Lt. Dave Henslee.
See? Corvallis police charge him with everything including “untidy arrangement of vehicular garbage resulting in messy crash scene,” and by rule we spit out points like a broken ATM. Blame the Farvas at the Corvallis police department and drunkass Al Afalava for the skewed charges, not us. Mike Riley says he can tell Aflalava’s making a tackle just from the sound. Now the Corvallis police have the same ability.
Alabama makes the first of two ironic scores in the Cupdate. Your team captain gets arrested for disorderly conduct! No salt or pepper needed! Take that scotch neat, you will. Add in the Elder armed robbery arrest, and we’re talking magic.
Louisville went a-road tripping, and oh what a time that was. We awarded two bonus points for this one, but with the charges as they stand, even the brazen gusto of robbing a convenience store (and on a school night, young man) doesn’t tally up the pile of points Alabama and Oregon State racked up. Even so, the Farking is good to you and good for you in this case.
HT: Reed. He does reek of triumph, with just a hint of hot dog roller.
Double your irony at no extra charge: Iowa players get busted for drug charges while Kirk Ferentz, attempting to right the ship, is actually on the Iowa Hawkeye Booster Cruise. “Shore to ship, can you hear me–” “Umm, no…you’re breaking CHHHRRRGGGGGFAKEMOUTHNOISEKKRRRGGGG up KRRRGGHHHH…”
Kansas loses points due to a clerical error on our part: the trumped up “dog-on-the-loose” charge has been dismissed due to PeteJayhawk’s diligent work, informing us that the player in question is a fifth-year senior with no eligibility left. Not on the team, not in the tally.
Post your compliments, gratuitous stroking of our ego, and cries from the WAAAAAAHHHHHHmbulance below. And pleading for points is just perverse, unless you’re from the U. Then you’re just trying to compete like competitors would, playa. (We’re looking at you, Barstoolio!)
After much negligence on our part, Patrick has stepped up to the mike at Thirty Five Seconds.com to provide you with your college basketball wis/snarkdom. And the cool thing: he happens to be exceptionally good at it.
We simply don’t have time with our other obligations to run the point there ourselves, but this is a lovely beginning. Like the EU Constitution or Tim Matheson in Buried Alive, it appears to be clawing its way from the grave.
Back like cooked crack, baby: Thirty Five Seconds and, um, the EU Constitution.
While the iron was still lukewarm, we elected to award our own college football Oscars, enlisting Holly for the local assist from a Hollywood type. Sadly, not even Dan Hawkins’ bowl cut could challenge the haircut of Anton Chigurh, but there’s much to laud and statuettes to hand out.
Holly’s Picks, Ensured by Price, Waterhouse, and Cooper.
Performance by an actor in a leading role
Bobby Petrino, in “Trust Me.”
Performance by an actor in a supporting role
Trooper Taylor, in “Baby Come Back.”
Performance by an actress in a leading role
Jimmy Clausen’s turn as a frail starlet in “Ouchtown, Population: You, Brah” has critics calling him the next Nicole Kidman.
Performance by an actress in a supporting role
Britton Colquitt, in “Among the Injured Were…”
Best animated film of the year
Eric Berry’s “The Waterbug”
He does get to crush Bobby Bowden’s windpipe with his mind every November. The Crackberry’s a nice touch.
Pelini wins ‘em over with grit, crippling armbars. We were sitting in a camp chair in New Orleans getting a tarot card reading when Bo Pelini jogged by–not that we noticed, at first, since in passing he looked like your neighborhood MMA fighter out for his morning roadwork. He’s a fearsome-looking man in person, and according to the New York Times, knocking ‘em dead at Nebraska booster lunches with his deep array of kata garumas, leg-holds, and chokeholds.
Having Corn God Tom Osborne play warmup duty doesn’t hurt, either.
Osborne, who grew up 25 miles south of here in Hastings, said all the familiar faces reminded him of his first date with her. He said she slapped him three times.
“It’s not what you think,” he said, holding the crowd for a beat.
“She wanted to make sure I wasn’t dead,” said Osborne, whose set jaw and stoic manner can famously make him look somnambulant.
Rick Neuheisel’s wife slaps him twice every day, btw, but not for the same reason.
South Florida’s damn cheap. And if you’ll remember the final quarter of the Rutgers/USF game this year, you’ll see why. Offensive coordinator Greg Gregory may make only (Ahem: “only”) $120,000, but with the Rutgers defense swinging unblocked hammers at Matt Grothe, the USF offense literally had no hot reads against the blitz. Nothin’. Zip.
He got that wood! Darren McFadden gave the full monty to NFL Draft Combine types, and verified he brings that wood to all phases of his life:
That’s where news got out that Arkansas running back Darren McFadden is not only battling a paternity suit, but that he told a team during an interview Saturday night that he has two children on the way. In addition to meeting with the Falcons, he met with the Raiders, who pick fourth in the draft, and several other teams.
The Falcons are looking into backgrounds now. No idea why. Also, when NFL fans ask you “OMG who the fuck is this McFadden guy?”, you may claim you were not surprised to see him run a MOTHERFUCKING MOTHER OF GOD 4.27 at the combine.
Combine the two pieces of news, and flash forward to a time eighteen years from now when Next-Gen Mcfadden 2.0 runs a 3.9 at the combine, finishing the race with shoes burned clean off his feet.
Bitches be causin’ problems. The Bryan/College Station Eagle solicited responses from readers concerning the replacement for the collie Reveille, the Aggie mascot who retires this year. The response was “vigorous,” meaning in this case “far more disturbing in its intensity and volume than the newspaper expected.” The good thing? Seemingly everyone wants the Corps of Cadets to pick a mutt from a shelter to honor the first Reveille, a stray picked up off the side of the road, though some are far more specific than others about how this should happen.
“Early each spring, ceremonial representatives of A&M and the Corps of Cadets should visit the Brazos Valley Animal Shelter, meet the available dogs, learn about their personalities from the shelter folks, and select the next Reveille that very day. Reveille would then go into mascot training on campus during the spring semester, and graduate (be commissioned as mascot and member of the Corps) at the end of one of the spring graduation ceremonies.
“During the summer, there would officially be two Reveilles, the outgoing Reveille and the incoming Reveille. This would greatly reduce the travel and public appearance demands on any one dog. Both dogs would be loved and sought after. The outgoing Reveille would be officially retired during halftime of the first home football game of the season. The incoming Reveille would then serve as sole mascot for the fall and spring semesters, and complete its 1.5-year tour of duty at the end of the summer, when a new Reveille takes over. There would be no shortage of homes willing to adopt this dog, who at the beginning of the story had no home at all.” — John Nielsen-Gammon.
We were going to make fun of that suggestion, but…we actually like it. Go muttish, Aggies. Bob Barker urges you to spay and neuter your pets, but in a clean veterinary setting, not like Jackie Sherrill did.
THE CHAMPAGNE ROOM Drop links, tips, and chat in 150 character bursts with the fellow members of the commentariat.
Sponsor Us
If you are interested in advertising on this site, please contact Donnie (don.lacuran@gmail.com)
EDSBS Store Live it. Love it. Wear it until it's ripped from your body by envious hordes of tailgaters.
Locker Room
About us
Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Contact
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
Lake The Posts Northwestern football, which is purple and smarter than you and no thank you would NOT like a ten win season at the cost of academic integrity, thank you very much.
Maize ‘n Brew And still yet another strong, funny, and literate Michigan blogger. Embarrassment of riches over there, really.
MGoBlog The horribly, admirably partisan Kodiak Bear of UM Blogs
Violently emotional: Muschamp.
Loading ...
