FULMER CUPDATE: AM-UZI-NG EDITION
by Orson on Feb 21, 2008 11:59 AM EST
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Gimme your money, motherfucker. There's an Uzi under this wing.The Fulmer Cup tracks which college football program is truly most felonious and troubled. This is how we award the points.
Louisville makes a massive dive into the Fulmer Cup. Appropriately, it's for a crime that like Louisville began with aggressive offense and leaves them little defense. Even weirder: this was no raw freshman pulling the caper, but senior cornerback Rod Council, who after four years of relatively good behavior at Louisville got a wild feather up his ass and decided to rob a convenience store, conveniently ignoring Gale's advice to H.I. in Raising Arizona: "I know you're partial to convenient stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun doesn't rise and set on the corner grocery."
Police say he robbed a Jonathan Valley convenience store Wednesday morning and was captured in Tennessee.
According to the incident report, Council allegedly entered the store about 4:15 a.m. and pulled what looked to be a 9mm Uzi on the clerk, who was the only other person in the store at the time.
The suspect demanded all the money and the clerk's cellular phone and fled the store. The store's security cameras were able to catch the suspect leaving in a silver Chevrolet Impala.
At least he did it in style. Council's only charged with one count of robbery with a dangerous weapon, but a brazen daylight robbery of a convenience store while class is in session...this calls for the good bubbly. Five points to Louisville: three for your generic felony count, one bonus point for going nuts and robbing a convenience store, and another for using the Israeli masterpiece, the Uzi, to commit the crime.
In summary: what the fuck, Rod?
West Coast, what? Unimpressed by Tennessee punter Britton Colquitt's denting of a car while DUIving around Knoxville, Oregon State starting safety Al Afalava repped the West Coast right by piling his car into a bus shelter in Corvallis, Washington, creating a boom in the real estate market by destroying one of the ten buildings currently making up downtown Corvallis. (Corvallis, we keed! Sort of!)
His blood alcohol content was above the legal limit, and well above a 1.0, Henslee said.
OMG his blood was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ALCOHOL?!?!?!?!?! Call Fark.com, this has...wait, sorry. Fractions, decimals, and percentages were never our strong suit. He was good and hammered, though: you have to be to drive through a bus shelter without having a seizure or a man pointing a gun at your head in the passenger seat.
The points get large fast with this one: three for the grand DUI, three for criminal mischief (a felony), and an estimated two for hit and run, since we're not sure whether that's a felony or a misdemeanor charge in Oregon. That is, in a single incident, eight points for Oregon State, a thunderous opening gambit in the intricate chess match that is the Fulmer Cup.
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Wait, there’s a Corvallis, Washington, too? Or was Al so hammered he forgot what state he was in?
by Tom on Feb 21, 2008 12:03 PM EST reply actions
Son, you got a panty on your head.
by Regular Soul Singer on Feb 21, 2008 12:04 PM EST reply actions
Unless the sun rises extra, extra early in Louisville I doubt it was daylight at 4:15 AM.
If that’s the case though, no wonder he’s pissed… UL is making their students go to class at 4 in the fucking morning.
by Cincy on Feb 21, 2008 12:06 PM EST reply actions
Buses in Corvallis? That’s about like buses in Starksville.
“Son, you got a pantie on yer haid.”
by yoyofutbawl on Feb 21, 2008 12:09 PM EST reply actions
And, Va Tech rejoices, as they originally signed Council out of high school, but the reneged on the scholarship after Council was busted for stealing computers from West Charlotte HS.
I am noticing a pattern. Sounds like Council might want to look into another type of employment when he gets out of prison.
by Coop on Feb 21, 2008 12:15 PM EST reply actions
Holly crap, fulmer cup points scored right here in Haywood county, NC. Oh snap bitches!
by dogterd on Feb 21, 2008 12:17 PM EST reply actions
Cincy, I was thinking the same thing. I’m damn glad I didn’t enroll at Louisville, I had a hard enough time making it to 8 a.m. classes.
by twogreattastes on Feb 21, 2008 12:35 PM EST reply actions
corvallis just aint been the same since CH2M Hill left town.
by kleph on Feb 21, 2008 12:36 PM EST reply actions
You’re telling me that uzi boy gets 5 points and Bama’s Elder gets 6…Was it the Houndstooth cap that put him over the top?
by Der Schatten on Feb 21, 2008 12:37 PM EST reply actions
It seems to me though, that it would be a lot easier to go to a 4 AM than an 8 AM class: Leave the bar around 2, stop at Taco Bell, stumble around for a half-hour, and arrive refreshed and ready to go.
by Ground0EastLansing on Feb 21, 2008 12:38 PM EST reply actions
10
thanx, knew it was somethin like dat. need to watch my DVD more.
and let’s not forget the Snopes Brothers or his Salad days.
by yoyofutbawl on Feb 21, 2008 12:48 PM EST reply actions
It ain’t armed robbery if the gun ain’t loaded…
by Conan D'Amato on Feb 21, 2008 12:53 PM EST reply actions
Call me crazy, but I think robbing a convenience store with an Uzi deserves way more credit than drunken driving. We’ve been over this and over this, and there’s right and there’s right, and never the twain shall meet.
The Uzi bonus should be up there with the cop-hittin’ bonus, if you ask me.
by STW P. Brabbs on Feb 21, 2008 12:56 PM EST reply actions
re: #10, 11
I’m on Team “Son”…pretty sure that’s what it is.
Also, Recitivism. RE-PEAT OH-fender.
by spartanmike on Feb 21, 2008 12:57 PM EST reply actions
Wonder if any of them will hit the sewer line when they dig their way out of prison. Dumb luck, that.
by Xaryn on Feb 21, 2008 1:04 PM EST reply actions
How many members serve on the Rod Council, anyway?
/zing!
by Rich on Feb 21, 2008 1:07 PM EST reply actions
it probably is “son.” i actually didn’t see yoyo’s first comment.
that shit is hilarious any way you slice it.
by gerry dorsey on Feb 21, 2008 1:08 PM EST reply actions
I was always partial to: “H.I. you got your family, you got your health. Why would you want a job?” Also, “You be careful around his fontenelle (sp?).”
by hunglikehussain on Feb 21, 2008 1:31 PM EST reply actions
Hey, Louisville was not the only school in KY making news of the Fulmer Cup variety this week…
In the middle of their transition to 1A football, two Western Kentucky redshirt freshmen were arrested for an altercation that ended up in the cancellation of a rap concert…
http://nl.newsbank.com/nl-search/we/Archives?p_action=doc&p_docid=11EEC602408D0590&p_docnum=12
by tom on Feb 21, 2008 1:31 PM EST reply actions
I don’t have any proof of this, but I would be willing to bet he robbed the store with a Cobray Mac 10, not an Uzi, due to the Uzi being hard to get in this country and costing 5x as much as the Mac 10. Mac 10’s new only run about $200 bucks. They look similar.
This is picture of a Mac 10.
by Steve on Feb 21, 2008 1:35 PM EST reply actions
damn… tuesday i was wondering when the west coast was gonna showup… didn’t see Oregon coming though… then again, noone does…
by beckett929 on Feb 21, 2008 1:48 PM EST reply actions
For some reason Oregon State’s recent entry to the Fulmer Cup makes me think of a notorious Bollywood extract… but with a slight change to the lyrics.
Blood alcohol is high Al Afalava
Destroying downtown Al Afalava
The bus can’t stop now Al Afalava
Criminal mischief from Al Afalava
He was in a bad way
Rejected by a sheep that’s gay
In his rush to pee
Bus stop looked like the head…
Blood alcohol is high Al Afalava
etc., etc.
by DC Trojan on Feb 21, 2008 2:31 PM EST reply actions
“I’ll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got…
And make it quick, I’m in dutch with the wife."
One of the funniest movies ever made.
Oh, and the actual quote is, “Son, you got a panty on your head.”
by beast in 'bama on Feb 21, 2008 2:34 PM EST reply actions
Re: Tom. You mean this?
http://www.bgdailynews.com/articles/2008/02/19/sports/sports2.txt
Weird. I eat lunch at that building almost every day and hadn’t heard about this until now. Sun Belt, represent!
by jakldawg on Feb 21, 2008 2:42 PM EST reply actions
I used to live next to the bus shelter that pissed Al Afalava off. It looks like a bomb exploded.
by BeaverJohn on Feb 21, 2008 3:08 PM EST reply actions
Chevy Impala used as the get-away car?!? Get out town! Never in a million years could I have guessed that.
He should get an additional Fulmer Cup style point on that alone.
by Irwin Fletcher on Feb 21, 2008 4:14 PM EST reply actions
@26
“That son’bitch. That son… of… a… bitch…”
YOU SONNAVABITCH!!!"
“And make it quick, I’m in dutch with the wife.”
by Irwin Fletcher on Feb 21, 2008 4:21 PM EST reply actions
@spartanmike: That sure is one bonehead word, but that ain’t me no more.
I also loved this exchange:
“Do they blow up into funny shapes and stuff?”
“Not unless you think round is funny.”
by The Song of Hiawatha Francisco on Feb 21, 2008 4:27 PM EST reply actions
I just slept through a midterm today, so watching Al Afalava commit some criminal mischief definitely makes up for it.
by Innocent Bystander on Feb 21, 2008 7:30 PM EST reply actions
well, if the news report says that he had “above a 1.0” BAC, then, yeah, his blood was more than 100% alcohol. they must have meant .10, as most states say that if you are above a .08 you are drunk.
by adam (the gay one) on Feb 21, 2008 7:41 PM EST reply actions
Ummm, not to be picky, but exactly how can your blood be MORE than 100%? Either way, it’s definitely a misprint. Although true pros can work their way into the low .5s, most of us are at near death once we approach +/- .4…
Just sayin’…
by Liver O' The Gators on Feb 21, 2008 7:51 PM EST reply actions
I thought that a 0.08 BAC meant 0.08% (which means 1.0 is not theoretically impossible, though almost certainly lethal).
by SpartanDan on Feb 22, 2008 12:24 AM EST reply actions
@ Spartan Dan: a .08 means that you are at 8%. just like if your batting average is a .300, you are hitting the ball 30% of the time.
by adam (the gay one) on Feb 22, 2008 1:09 PM EST reply actions
I’m assuming there are no math majors in this conversation. 0.08% is exactly that. Eight hundreths of one percent alcohol. You’d be way dead well before you acheive 8%, let alone 40%. The good news is that your corpse would never decay…
by Dave on Mar 13, 2008 5:18 PM EDT reply actions
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