POLITICS MEETS FOOTBALL, 2008
From Bevo Beat: Barack Obama does the Heisman on that ho. (Hillary in this case?)
February 21, 2008
GUEST COLUMNIST: MIKE PATRICK
Howdy!ESPN play-by-play guy Mike Patrick is our guest columnist today.
Hey, what are you doing? I was wondering if you wanted to have lunch. I love soup for lunch, and the people at “Lettuce Souprise You” have never failed me! The Italians have a saying about soup, you know? It’s one of my favorites:
Soup does seven things:
Appeases your hunger,
Slakes your thirst,
Fills your stomach,
Cleans your teeth,
Gives you the ability to see through time,
Helps you outpunch hobos in street fights,
And makes you able to smell fear and the menses.
Or something like that, at least. I eat soup every day, friend. It’s part of a basic health plan I try to follow everywhere I go on the road, even when I’m traveling with that skinny mini Blackledge! He can eat whatever he wants! It’s soooo frustrating.
See, he never packs on weight. EVER! OMG! (more…)
AH, REVENGE BY T-SHIRT
No one excels in the rapid production of taunting memorabilia like the state of Alabama. See the example below for all the evidence you’ll need that even the arrest of T.J. Elder, Alabama defensive tackle, for screwing up his entire life for $26 stolen off two scared-shitless undergrads…well, even that’s an occasion for spiteful merchandising.
(HT: TB)
FULMER CUPDATE: AM-UZI-NG EDITION
Gimme your money, motherfucker. There’s an Uzi under this wing.The Fulmer Cup tracks which college football program is truly most felonious and troubled. This is how we award the points.
Louisville makes a massive dive into the Fulmer Cup. Appropriately, it’s for a crime that like Louisville began with aggressive offense and leaves them little defense. Even weirder: this was no raw freshman pulling the caper, but senior cornerback Rod Council, who after four years of relatively good behavior at Louisville got a wild feather up his ass and decided to rob a convenience store, conveniently ignoring Gale’s advice to H.I. in Raising Arizona: “I know you’re partial to convenient stores, but dammit, H.I., the sun doesn’t rise and set on the corner grocery.”
Police say he robbed a Jonathan Valley convenience store Wednesday morning and was captured in Tennessee.
According to the incident report, Council allegedly entered the store about 4:15 a.m. and pulled what looked to be a 9mm Uzi on the clerk, who was the only other person in the store at the time.
The suspect demanded all the money and the clerk’s cellular phone and fled the store. The store’s security cameras were able to catch the suspect leaving in a silver Chevrolet Impala.
At least he did it in style. Council’s only charged with one count of robbery with a dangerous weapon, but a brazen daylight robbery of a convenience store while class is in session…this calls for the good bubbly. Five points to Louisville: three for your generic felony count, one bonus point for going nuts and robbing a convenience store, and another for using the Israeli masterpiece, the Uzi, to commit the crime.
In summary: what the fuck, Rod?
West Coast, what? Unimpressed by Tennessee punter Britton Colquitt’s denting of a car while DUIving around Knoxville, Oregon State starting safety Al Afalava repped the West Coast right by piling his car into a bus shelter in Corvallis, Washington, creating a boom in the real estate market by destroying one of the ten buildings currently making up downtown Corvallis. (Corvallis, we keed! Sort of!)
His blood alcohol content was above the legal limit, and well above a 1.0, Henslee said.
OMG his blood was ONE HUNDRED PERCENT ALCOHOL?!?!?!?!?! Call Fark.com, this has…wait, sorry. Fractions, decimals, and percentages were never our strong suit. He was good and hammered, though: you have to be to drive through a bus shelter without having a seizure or a man pointing a gun at your head in the passenger seat.
The points get large fast with this one: three for the grand DUI, three for criminal mischief (a felony), and an estimated two for hit and run, since we’re not sure whether that’s a felony or a misdemeanor charge in Oregon. That is, in a single incident, eight points for Oregon State, a thunderous opening gambit in the intricate chess match that is the Fulmer Cup.
CLOCK RULES: FOLLOW-UP
Clock rules: we’re late!We talked to Matt Hayes yesterday to follow up on the clock rules, and got a few things clarified on the proposed clock rule changes.
One: The 40 second rule will likely pass. It’s popular, it will get asses hauling on the chain gang, and as SMQ justly pointed out, it’s about a wash on the time. (An eensy bit on the short side, but mostly a wash.) There’s nothing in the way of major opposition to the rule, so it’s probably gonna happen.
Two: The change where the clock continues to run when the ball goes out of bounds? The blogosphere’s hatred of this proposal is shared by defensive coaches, who are the biggest opponents to the rule because of the obvious added advantage offenses get in clock-murder situation.
Three: The committee doesn’t have to approve the rules as an omnibus; they can line-item the thing, so the rules aren’t married. YAY line-item.
CURIOUS INDEX, 2/21/08
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He’s a minority hire, in one sense. Bob Stoops will bring down somewhere in the completely fucking ridiculous neighborhood of $6 million in total compensation as the head coach of the Oklahoma Sooners in 2008 thanks to a $3 million benefit built into his contract. (Adore the humorous understatement of referring to any chunk of 3 million bucks as a “benefit.”) A good question, and an ugly one for the frilly puritans of college football as amateur sport: does this put, for one year at least, Bob Stoops in the territory of Phil Jackson ($6 million/yr) as being one of the highest-paid coaches in the nation, period? This year’s total salary will exceed Saban’s compensation in the college ranks, but won’t eclipse Mike Holmgren’s at Seattle in the NFL: the Walrus rolls in a pile of $7 million annually, though that number does vary by report. Good Fulmercupdate a-comin’. Five words: Oregon State, drankin’; Louisville, Uzi. Terrelle Pryor isn’t coming to Michigan, so go ahead and write it down. If E3W is already writing parody pieces about him then they, like the Onion, are merely writing tomorrow’s news today. Hey, people like to comment on stuff. Imagine. Our piece on why people hate Duke basketball is over at the Sporting News, and currently has 124 comments. We’re positive they’re all intelligent, insightful, and totally worth reading, as are most open comment threads on mainstream media sites. In further offseason distractions: Yacht Rock returns! Fuck you, Buffett! Kevin Bacon wants to know if you want a little Me-L-T sandwich, baby! Damn you, Yacht Rock, for making me want to create a time machine to go get wasted with James Ingram and Michael McDonald. |
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