TRAIN YOUR BABY LIKE THE SLAVE THEY ARE

Babies and video don't seem to be a very good match: their vision sucks, they're still surprised by their own flatulence, and they tend to start drooling when they get excited. In other words, they're just like us, and that's not good for learning anything besides the facial expressions denoting "repulsed" in others.

Team Baby Entertainment is the company that has the rights to the "Baby (Insert Team Name Here)" series, and they must have sent out a ton of offseason press releases at once, because news crews starving for fluff stories everywhere picked them up like mad over the past few months, resulting in this spate of videos.

First, the Baby Gator. Hey! I'll shoot the first motherfucker who makes a jorts joke! Because you know, that NEVER gets old or inaccurate!

(For those with Youtube blocked, try this. It might work.)

"We've tried to get him excited about the Gators...by having him watch Daddy watch the game." In our experience, this will only confirm the child's inborn suspicion that Daddy suspects the child of being the spawn of another man, and like a Siberian Tiger will devour him, since Daddy spends most of the game screaming in a blind rage and committing invisible homicides in his head. "I wish this pillow was a KNIFE!, Bobby Bowden!"

Yes, the video would be the only thing to get little Junior to "take part in the fun!"

There's also the Notre Dame video, hawked by Regis on his show with the decorum you've come to expect from him.

If they really wanted to indoctrinate the kid, they'd teach him how to spell "Everyone's out to get us!", but we understand that's a bit advanced for the pre-K set.

There's the Longhorn/Sooner dueling baby tapes from the "Good Morning, Texas!" show, done with requisite cooing and ahhing from the female co-anchors.

It is so hard for me not to hear Peter in my head when watching the Oklahoma baby tape. "Meth! M-E-T-H!" We will not make another meth joke. We will not make another meth joke. But no, you can't buy it with an EBT card. (Damn you, Peter!) Just kidding! We don't mean that about Oklahoma at all. About South Carolina, perhaps; but not about the Sooners, coached by our close personal friend Bob Stoops.

In all fairness, the Texas tape includes a shock treatment section involving the words "Barry Switzer." It all comes out in the wash, really.

The Arkansas tape's segment amuses us endlessly. Mostly because of the anchor's phrasing:

"Imagine that you could give your kids a head start in spelling and color recognition--you know, the important things in life--but with Razorback style." We would like to suggest that no SEC fanbase (Florida included) brag about the importance of speling (sp?) or "color recognition." That last bit, especially.

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