TRAIN YOUR BABY LIKE THE SLAVE THEY ARE
by Orson on Feb 20, 2008 11:30 AM EST
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PrintBabies and video don't seem to be a very good match: their vision sucks, they're still surprised by their own flatulence, and they tend to start drooling when they get excited. In other words, they're just like us, and that's not good for learning anything besides the facial expressions denoting "repulsed" in others.
Team Baby Entertainment is the company that has the rights to the "Baby (Insert Team Name Here)" series, and they must have sent out a ton of offseason press releases at once, because news crews starving for fluff stories everywhere picked them up like mad over the past few months, resulting in this spate of videos.
First, the Baby Gator. Hey! I'll shoot the first motherfucker who makes a jorts joke! Because you know, that NEVER gets old or inaccurate!
(For those with Youtube blocked, try this. It might work.)
"We've tried to get him excited about the Gators...by having him watch Daddy watch the game." In our experience, this will only confirm the child's inborn suspicion that Daddy suspects the child of being the spawn of another man, and like a Siberian Tiger will devour him, since Daddy spends most of the game screaming in a blind rage and committing invisible homicides in his head. "I wish this pillow was a KNIFE!, Bobby Bowden!"
Yes, the video would be the only thing to get little Junior to "take part in the fun!"
There's also the Notre Dame video, hawked by Regis on his show with the decorum you've come to expect from him.
If they really wanted to indoctrinate the kid, they'd teach him how to spell "Everyone's out to get us!", but we understand that's a bit advanced for the pre-K set.
There's the Longhorn/Sooner dueling baby tapes from the "Good Morning, Texas!" show, done with requisite cooing and ahhing from the female co-anchors.
It is so hard for me not to hear Peter in my head when watching the Oklahoma baby tape. "Meth! M-E-T-H!" We will not make another meth joke. We will not make another meth joke. But no, you can't buy it with an EBT card. (Damn you, Peter!) Just kidding! We don't mean that about Oklahoma at all. About South Carolina, perhaps; but not about the Sooners, coached by our close personal friend Bob Stoops.
In all fairness, the Texas tape includes a shock treatment section involving the words "Barry Switzer." It all comes out in the wash, really.
The Arkansas tape's segment amuses us endlessly. Mostly because of the anchor's phrasing:
"Imagine that you could give your kids a head start in spelling and color recognition--you know, the important things in life--but with Razorback style." We would like to suggest that no SEC fanbase (Florida included) brag about the importance of speling (sp?) or "color recognition." That last bit, especially.
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Bama and Auburn bloggers and fans laugh at this idea. Their children are indoctrinated from their time in the womb, much less when they’re in their later years (1-2yrs old).
by blackertai on Feb 20, 2008 11:38 AM EST reply actions
We’re making excellent progress turning my niece into a Minnesota fan. She’s by far the most proficient noose-making 4-year old I’ve ever seen. As soon as she learns to mutter to herself she’ll be there.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Feb 20, 2008 11:39 AM EST reply actions
Sorry, WSR: with all the noose-making, you may be turning her into a Maryland fan.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 20, 2008 11:42 AM EST reply actions
these weren’t around in my youth, so that explains my lack of proficiency in both spelling and color recognition
either that or Arkansas and Tennessee public schools
by Jerkwheat on Feb 20, 2008 11:43 AM EST reply actions
- you are dead on. Is there something wrong with that?
by TIGERinATL on Feb 20, 2008 11:44 AM EST reply actions
For the others…
http://www.teambabyentertainment.com/index.php
And of course, no “Baby Rebel” since Ole Miss doesn’t have a mascot to use.
by the croominator on Feb 20, 2008 11:45 AM EST reply actions
I have no illusions about the educational benefits, but Baby Gator worked wonders in helping indoctrinate my little guy. When we through the plush football around the house, he claims to be Tim Tebow with glee. That may make me sick and a bad parent, but it also makes me proud.
by Stranko Montana on Feb 20, 2008 11:46 AM EST reply actions
-O,
Well crap, that’s not good at all. Maybe we should move right on to the counting games (“How much chugs of whiskey can you fit into your mouth?”) and advanced moping.
by WhiteSpeedReceiver on Feb 20, 2008 11:47 AM EST reply actions
Imagine that you could give your kids a head start in spelling and color recognitionyou know, the important things in lifebut with Razorback style. We would like to suggest that no SEC fanbase (Florida included) brag about the importance of speling (sp?) or color recognition. That last bit, especially.
whatthefuckever, Orson. Don’t play like you can tell beige and taupe or teal and turquoise apart.
by The Conscience of a Nation on Feb 20, 2008 11:48 AM EST reply actions
Orson, thanks for trying with the youtubefirewall link. But the Gestapo was way ahead of you.
by TIGERinATL on Feb 20, 2008 11:53 AM EST reply actions
My dad was forced to indoctrinate me the old-fashioned way; by propping my eyelids open with toothpacks as he continually replayed the 1976 Georgia-Florida game and shocking me if I cheered at the wrong time or didn’t cheer when I should’ve.
by Biggus Rickus on Feb 20, 2008 11:53 AM EST reply actions
Growing up in the South, the one skill you could count on the masses learning at a very early age was “color” recognition.
by Kernel on Feb 20, 2008 11:56 AM EST reply actions
I noticed they didn’t have a video for the “U”. If they did it would just be a music video of the 7th Floor Crew rap
by Paul on Feb 20, 2008 12:05 PM EST reply actions
Lee Corso is now apparently endorsing these DVDs. I presume there will be segments with him running around with mascot heads in each new edition, starting with the Ohio State version.
by Signal to Noise on Feb 20, 2008 12:12 PM EST reply actions
I see Orson is exercising his veto in wall colors. Be careful man that’s dangerous stuff.
by maskedavenger on Feb 20, 2008 12:13 PM EST reply actions
The back alley syphilitic stranger I impregnated gave our little guy Baby Buckeyes. He already knows his Miranda rights by heart and is flipping and burning cars at a 3rd grade level.
by WorstFan on Feb 20, 2008 12:25 PM EST reply actions
The poor kid chilluns in Arky-sawr will grow up thinking that Chopin’s Minute Waltz is the new UPig fight song.
by yoyofutbawl on Feb 20, 2008 12:33 PM EST reply actions
Note to Mountaineer fans: I don’t necessarily think that entertaining your child with a character that constantly brandishes a firearm is a good idea. Then again, some people I grew up with may think that is a fabulous idea.
by CouchBurnin'Girl on Feb 20, 2008 12:37 PM EST reply actions
Was it just me or did the Arkansas reporter, a rather attractive female if I do say so, read that she found the product extremely revolting or was merely extremely indifferent?
She reminded me of the way the guy from L&O performed that mock SNL commercial for robot protection for the elderly, which was intentional, obviously.
by Coop on Feb 20, 2008 12:46 PM EST reply actions
It makes me proud to have already turned my two nephews against Stanford especially since my sister is a Stanford fan. Next year the pilgrimage to Tightwad Hill takes place.
Nobel Prize is Cal’s battle cry!
Go Bears!
by Anonymous IV on Feb 20, 2008 12:47 PM EST reply actions
Anonymous IV,
I’ve been fighting a ferocious battle with my brother-in-law’s brother, a ’ford alumn, and roughly my contemporary over the affection and future affiliation of my nieces. This past season was notably unhelpful in this regard.
As for my future offspring – some coming in a few weeks – my wife has big Carolina Blue plans for them ’cause thats like, you know, a natural baby color and stuff. Ugh!!!!!
by marcillac on Feb 20, 2008 12:55 PM EST reply actions
…although,
If he tests weel DeSean could go as high as top 15 and Kiper has Lavelle moving up his board. This may help some.
by marcillac on Feb 20, 2008 12:57 PM EST reply actions
I was pissed until I saw #23’s comment. I think the real important part of this whole story is … Who is that smoking hot Arkansas reporter?
by undecided (formerly Tebow for Heisman) on Feb 20, 2008 1:01 PM EST reply actions
I will drink for your suffering marcillac.
by Anonymous IV on Feb 20, 2008 1:04 PM EST reply actions
And the ultimate environment to show the tapes in would look something like this:
http://www.apartmenttherapy.com/ny/fall-colors-contest-east/ive-got-color-extras-aydens-awesome-wildcat-nursery-009645
(be sure to check out the comments)
by jakldawg on Feb 20, 2008 1:16 PM EST reply actions
I had a long, but witty comback to the South Carolina comment. But everytime I try to post it, I get a ‘Page cannot be displayed’ error. How do it know?!
by Charlestownecock on Feb 20, 2008 1:16 PM EST reply actions
31 – The guy who said he would to turn his future child’s nursery into a UFC themed room was either hilarious or terrifying.
The odds of a nursery with a Tito Ortiz big head poster, ironic given the size of Ortiz’s melon, on the wall creating either a serial rapist, meth addict and/or Ohio State fan, are extremely likely.
by Coop on Feb 20, 2008 1:29 PM EST reply actions
Wait, where is the indian baby soon…. Oh wait, there she is.
by Meatybob on Feb 20, 2008 1:49 PM EST reply actions
http://nwahomepage.com/content/about/contactus
I couldn’t figure out which girl it was.
by Brian on Feb 20, 2008 2:10 PM EST reply actions
On the Buckeye DVD, does the Ohio State kid get its ass kicked in the final scene?
by paco on Feb 20, 2008 2:13 PM EST reply actions
Chizik/Muschamp baby in the Texas one? One of the female studio hosts noted one of the babies had Auburn hair.
by Kenny on Feb 20, 2008 2:53 PM EST reply actions
Damn it, I come all the way to Atlanta and I still get Dan Hicken.
by BurritoBrosShits on Feb 20, 2008 2:58 PM EST reply actions
#36:
Its Mickey Goodwin with dark hair. The only one that even looks close.
by Charlestownecock on Feb 20, 2008 3:10 PM EST reply actions
My brother went to Florida, as did our three sisters. Two other brothers and I went to Auburn. For years while he was single my Gator brother would attempt to get my pre-school kids to say “Go Gators!” in direct contrast to their father’s wishes. Thankfully, It didn’t work as the grain was set “prenatally” as one blogger wrote. Fast forward to the present time when he now has three youngsters under six. After the two most recent Auburn victories I did one (count ‘em, one) ’Waaaaar Eagle!’ for my nephew while we played catch with a ball at a family gathering.
After four months, he’s still belting it out every time he sees a football.
LIFE*IS*SWEET!
WDE.
by Sullivan on Feb 20, 2008 3:41 PM EST reply actions
Sorry I’m late…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7BZI_ROwMo&eurl=http://www.gatorswearjeanshorts.net/blog/post.html
Mission Accomplished put me on a Aircraft Carrier
by citizencrane on Feb 20, 2008 3:48 PM EST reply actions
If they really wanted to indoctrinate the kid, theyd teach him how to spell Everyones out to get us!, but we understand thats a bit advanced for the pre-K set.
But they are good about whining “why are you being so mean to meeeee….” – though in fairness, Domers aren’t even close to having a monopoly on that.
by DC Trojan on Feb 20, 2008 5:23 PM EST reply actions
Anyone else notice the kid was wearing jean shorts.
by adigomas on Feb 20, 2008 8:38 PM EST reply actions
kids a fairweather fan, florida’s been winning titles his whole life.
by db on Feb 20, 2008 9:48 PM EST reply actions
Who needs videos when your a Bama fan? Hell most 3-4 yrd old kids whose parents have a TiVO have seen more game film since inception and have gone to sleep with the “Bear Bryant Noise Machine” with the low whisky voice repeating “I aint been nuthin but a winnar” over crimson and white noise since birth…..
And there are no videos in November…..hell most calendars in Alabama have the month of November torn out of it already
by Mr Pelican Pants on Feb 21, 2008 12:02 AM EST reply actions
Yes, adigomas, even Gator Kids wear jean shorts.
by lawdawg1919 on Feb 21, 2008 8:01 AM EST reply actions
Anyone else notice that the Alabama kid, assuming that is a boy, has the beginnings of ’bama bangs on his head?
Oh I know that haircut/style is uniform across the South, and my hair looks like that if I go a couple of months without a haircut, but I still thought that was funny.
by Coop on Feb 21, 2008 10:46 AM EST reply actions
How can you guys forget the ultimate baby indoctrination video?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpcrp6cTiEM
The next generation of psychotic serial killers will strangely all be Kansas State fans.
by bradb on Feb 21, 2008 2:45 PM EST reply actions
Gator mom… makes the best grilled cheese sandwiches of all the moms.
by Not the mama on Feb 21, 2008 3:30 PM EST reply actions
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