GEORGIA LICENSING: COFFINS ARE A GO
by Orson on Feb 14, 2008 3:21 PM EST
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PrintGeorgia and Georgia Tech fans are now free to go ahead and bury themselves in whatever trademark coffin they like, thanks to a minor tweak of the licensing rules for Georgia University System schools. It could be argued that Georgia's been burying Georgia Tech in their uniforms for years now, but they were doing it unofficially and against the expressed rules of the university. Now they can do it for real: licensed, legal, and undoubtedly expensive:
The Board of Regents Wednesday re-visited a decades-old policy banning the use of college logos on burial items like coffins or urns, allowing fans to bring their love for their alma maters into the hereafter. A Macon-based business, Collegiate Memorials, asked the Regents to loosen the rules and after a closer look at other states' policies, members of the board relented.
The ban was part of a policy written in 1982, that prohibited logos on burial items, sex toys and alcoholic beverages, among others.
The real shame is that other university systems probably have the same rules keeping college football fans from enjoying the sex toys of their choice. With such rich names and tradition around, the territory is just ripe for a savvy marketeer. For example:
--The Jackie Sherrill Anal Dilator: If the NCAA is coming, why not make it easy on yourself with this fine stainless steel aid.
--The Oregon State Eager Beaver: the pocket pleaser that's never a teaser straight from Reser!
--The Rocky Topper: the multipurpose tool for both sexes. Half-bear and half-cat, it's all for the animal in you!
--The Yellow Jackette: The ideal high-tech, yellow and black striped pleasure baton for the high-tech lady in your life. Early adopters and next-gen types love it!
--The Mike Seven: Hold that tiger...with both hands! A surefire champion for size queens everywhere, this monster's big enough for even the most intimidating Death Valley.
--The SebAsstian: This Ibis-shaped wife wand will keep "U" in shape no matter how you decide to use it.
--The Golden Gopher: its powerful burrowing action ensures you'll never go digging for a another toy again!
--The Washington "Husky": For those who favor girth, you can't go wrong with the Husky.
--The Eastern Carolina Pirate: Four D-cell batteries, 23 separate LEDs, 8 moving parts, a durable Tensagrip handle, and genuine Buccaneer design ensure that no matter how far you plunge into the Outer Banks, you'll keep hauling in the booty like a real pirate!
Yarr.
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I would make a comment about the ASU trident thing but apparently their students have already made that into the shocker.
by ThreenOut on Feb 14, 2008 3:23 PM EST reply actions
“I would make a comment about the ASU trident thing but apparently their students have already made that into the shocker.”
Eh, a trident does have THREE prongs, right? I’m morbidly curious how that would work in the process of “shocking”. Maybe the winds have been carrying something nasty from Yucca Mountain to ASU?
by DAve on Feb 14, 2008 3:30 PM EST reply actions
Tried to put back in the stuff the newspaper left out:
“A Macon-based business, Collegiate Memorials, asked the Regents to loosen the rules and after a booze and coke fueled outing at The Cheetah, resulting in the drug overdose, and near death, of one dancer, whose stage name was Charity; and upon a closer look at other statesÂ’ policies, and the confirmation of deposits to their bank accounts, members of the board relented.”
by Brian on Feb 14, 2008 3:39 PM EST reply actions
I just want to point out, that on the company’s website, the default coffin shows the U of Nebraska. Clearly the word is out that their Program is dead.
Im so funny.
by Brian on Feb 14, 2008 3:44 PM EST reply actions
So, Oregon State’s mascot was not too easy to be included, but South Carolina’s was?
Off the top of my head:
the NC State Wolfpacker…“guaranteed to give you a howlin’ good time.”
and, of course,
the Texas Longhorn “something something bull penis something something.”
by Coop on Feb 14, 2008 3:46 PM EST reply actions
Ah, the Nebraska Cornhusker…
“peel back the ears to find a Big Red Machine just for you.”
Seriously, these things write themselves….
by Coop on Feb 14, 2008 3:47 PM EST reply actions
Don’t forget “Big Red” from Western Kentucky, the “Golden Hurricane” from Tulsa, or the “Cock & Fire” straight out of Columbia, SC.
by Kanu on Feb 14, 2008 3:49 PM EST reply actions
“Golden Hurricane” sounds more like a sex act than a sex toy.
by Biggus Rickus on Feb 14, 2008 3:56 PM EST reply actions
Cock ’n Fire sounds too close to something you could easily pick up during a bad weekend in Tijuana.
by Coop on Feb 14, 2008 4:01 PM EST reply actions
The Wazzou Cougar: designed with a foxy older lady’s needs in mind.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 14, 2008 4:03 PM EST reply actions
I guess the USC Trojan jokes were just TOO easy.
by oc phil on Feb 14, 2008 4:06 PM EST reply actions
There’s got to be a Crimson Tide joke in there somewhere.
by Chips O'Toole on Feb 14, 2008 4:07 PM EST reply actions
- - I’ve been holding one in my pocket. Something about a Playtex endorsement.
by TIGERinATL on Feb 14, 2008 4:10 PM EST reply actions
How about the [Name Redacted] Analingus 3000?
I wish Holly was my Valentine. Happy Valentine’s Day!
by Dr. Cruz on Feb 14, 2008 4:10 PM EST reply actions
There is something with Wake Forest and the Demon Deacon, something about Baptist women experiencing self-pleasure and then feeling shameful about it, but I am not that clever on my feet.
And, I’m spent…
by Coop on Feb 14, 2008 4:11 PM EST reply actions
That dog is fine with all of these as long as none of these toys come in black or brown.
by Orson Swindle on Feb 14, 2008 4:13 PM EST reply actions
The TCU Horned Frog, as well.
Seriously, that one probably is the name of some device for the ladies, already
by Coop on Feb 14, 2008 4:14 PM EST reply actions
How ’bout a sex jungle gym called “The Mountineer.”
by sonofsamford on Feb 14, 2008 4:22 PM EST reply actions
Oklahoma Sooner Quick Gel. Faster than American Pie…
by dudis41 on Feb 14, 2008 4:24 PM EST reply actions
Delta State U’s Fighting Okra …..awww shit.
I got nothing.
by Scalz1 on Feb 14, 2008 4:26 PM EST reply actions
The Purdue Boilermaker, “just like the drink, it will put you to sleep.”
by Coop on Feb 14, 2008 4:29 PM EST reply actions
For Valentine’s, get your gal the -
Presbyterian “Blue Hose”
by NRBQ on Feb 14, 2008 4:35 PM EST reply actions
Let us not forget the Wichita State Shocker. The official romantic aide of the Wichita State Shockers.
by twogreattastes on Feb 14, 2008 4:36 PM EST reply actions
Holly/others-
“The Irish Fister”, and I’m fairly certain that Beano Cook owns one, and that it is well worn.
by Kanu on Feb 14, 2008 4:48 PM EST reply actions
Army’s Black Knight certainly would work for the woman who likes her men likes she likes her coffee…
by Coop on Feb 14, 2008 4:50 PM EST reply actions
How about The Ohio State Buckey anal beads?
Wear them to the game Saturday afternoon. Use them on your drunken girlfriend (or yourself) to celbrate the anal reaming OSU just gave [nsert MAC school here]!
by Mark D on Feb 14, 2008 4:56 PM EST reply actions
How ’bout “the Irish Curse: three inches of pale pink fury”
by andrew on Feb 14, 2008 5:01 PM EST reply actions
Boston College Spread Eagle Sex Swing. Because those Catholic girls are dirtier than you think.
Iowa State Cyclone. Carnal pleasure that’ll leave your head spinning.
Indiana “Hoosier Daddy” / Carolina Tar-holer Inflatable Doll. (Only Available in Basketball country) . Because your wife won’t let you put it in her butt.
Rutgers Scarlet Knight – Condoms for the man who isn’t afraid of a little menstruation. OK that was maybe a little vulgar.
by Brian on Feb 14, 2008 5:02 PM EST reply actions
The UC Irvine Pants-eater – reaches the parts his tongue never will.
The Cal Golden Bear-back – to enhance live-fire exercises
The Stanford Tree – for insertion fetishists only
by DC Trojan on Feb 14, 2008 5:04 PM EST reply actions
UCLA 8-clap condoms – for when you’re coming second after your rival
by DC Trojan on Feb 14, 2008 5:06 PM EST reply actions
the Kansas Va-jay-jayhawk – quick strikes, big scores!
by DC Trojan on Feb 14, 2008 5:12 PM EST reply actions
The Saban-al Violator, crafted from fine ivory. For when you want to take it like $4 million annually.
by Petie on Feb 14, 2008 5:13 PM EST reply actions
The Arkansas Razorback. Sometimes your pork needs a trim.
by twogreattastes on Feb 14, 2008 5:15 PM EST reply actions
Gift her the Miss’stiffy State Balldog. She’ll Croom herself.
by Allahver Fist on Feb 14, 2008 5:16 PM EST reply actions
The “tider insider” – it’ll get to those hard to reach places.
by lawtool on Feb 14, 2008 5:20 PM EST reply actions
The Colorado State Ram. Made with the prison-rape fetishist in mind.
The Kansas State Wildcat. When that pussy needs tamin’.
by twogreattastes on Feb 14, 2008 5:20 PM EST reply actions
The Leprechaun-dom.
(I originally thought the Con-Dome, with a real gold tip, but then you take that to the very unfortunate conclusion as to what the spermicidal tip represents)
Don’t forget the “Hoosier Daddy” DNA testing kit for 9 months later.
by Expat Ohioan on Feb 14, 2008 5:34 PM EST reply actions
DCT-
If you’re going UC-I, then I’m going UC-SC.
“The Banana Slug” brought to you by UC-Santa Cruz: “soft & wet, and slow & steady”
“The Tennessee Volunteer”, for when she has a headache/he falls asleep.
I’m damn certain we could do this for every college ever, even Bob Jones. Hell the religious right schools write themselves don’t they? Oral Roberts, Liberty Flames, etc, etc.
by Kanu on Feb 14, 2008 5:52 PM EST reply actions
The Buckin’ Bronco Sybian – We dare you to last eight seconds.
by Biggus Rickus on Feb 14, 2008 6:09 PM EST reply actions
47 posts, and no one’s posted….
The Witchita State Shocker – two in the pink, one in the stink.
by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 14, 2008 6:09 PM EST reply actions
“Midshipman Brand Diaphragms” – We’re experts at dealing with seamen.
Washington State/Houston Cougars – Like a fine wine, they get better with age.
Umm cant believe this one stayed on the shelf so long…
Toledo Pocket Rockets (made of glass ;))
UMass Minuteman Sensitivity enhancement gel – For when its been enough already, and you just wanna get some sleep.
Texas Tech Raider Gel – When you want to plunder some booty.
by Brian on Feb 14, 2008 7:08 PM EST reply actions
@48
The sybian….been surfing haven’t we?
by hunglikehussain on Feb 14, 2008 8:08 PM EST reply actions
The Mike Seven now costs more, “to address future needs and rising costs in order to remain competitive with other nationally recognized sex toys.”
by Studley on Feb 14, 2008 8:11 PM EST reply actions
51,
I thought of it immediately, but it took me about four hours to remember the word.
by Biggus Rickus on Feb 14, 2008 8:23 PM EST reply actions
The Ivory Tusk: Comes in assorted colors, like Houndstooth and Crimson, guaranteed to get you off at least 12 times, then let you down annually 6 times in a row in November, whether at your house or theirs……..good news is they have went out and recruited better batteries
by Mr Pelican Pants on Feb 15, 2008 1:04 AM EST reply actions
The Virginia Tech Gobbler (look it up) – no muff too tuff.
by Brian O'Blivion on Feb 15, 2008 10:44 AM EST reply actions
The Georgia Bulldoggy Style “G-Spot” Position Pillow.
You know, like those goofy looking things they have ads for in the back of Men’s Health and Maxim, but red, with a Georgia “G” on them.
Wait, that’s less joke-y and more “off to the patent office I go”-y.
by Will (the other one) on Feb 15, 2008 1:26 PM EST reply actions
49, Brian,
Apparently you didn’t read the 47 posts before yours, or you might have noticed The Shocker in No. 30.
I will give you credit for the rhyme, though. Another variation, two in the goo, one in the poo.
by twogreattastes on Feb 15, 2008 5:29 PM EST reply actions
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