Everyday Should Be Saturday

February 14, 2008

FULMER CUPDATE: BLUE RAIDER RAIDED

Middle Tennessee picks up three points for felony marijuana possession thanks to Walter Dozier, who certainly looks to be into distribution like Rick Ross:

According to the arrest report, police seized a large ziplock bag containing three smaller bags of marijuana, digital scales, a box of baggies and six 12-gauge shotgun shells.

Every day he’s hust-a-lin’.

Dozier should be in much better shape than Rick Ross, since for a man who does so much hust-a-lin he keeps quite a few bills in his gut-wallet. Nevertheless, he caught a charge (he caught a charge?) and earns three points for the Raiders. Sun Belt what!



Filed under: College football, Fulmer Cup, Mid Major Conferences, weed  by Orson Swindle

GEORGIA LICENSING: COFFINS ARE A GO

Georgia and Georgia Tech fans are now free to go ahead and bury themselves in whatever trademark coffin they like, thanks to a minor tweak of the licensing rules for Georgia University System schools. It could be argued that Georgia’s been burying Georgia Tech in their uniforms for years now, but they were doing it unofficially and against the expressed rules of the university. Now they can do it for real: licensed, legal, and undoubtedly expensive:

The Board of Regents Wednesday re-visited a decades-old policy banning the use of college logos on burial items like coffins or urns, allowing fans to bring their love for their alma maters into the hereafter. A Macon-based business, Collegiate Memorials, asked the Regents to loosen the rules and after a closer look at other states’ policies, members of the board relented.

The ban was part of a policy written in 1982, that prohibited logos on burial items, sex toys and alcoholic beverages, among others.

The real shame is that other university systems probably have the same rules keeping college football fans from enjoying the sex toys of their choice. With such rich names and tradition around, the territory is just ripe for a savvy marketeer. For example:

–The Jackie Sherrill Anal Dilator: If the NCAA is coming, why not make it easy on yourself with this fine stainless steel aid.

–The Oregon State Eager Beaver: the pocket pleaser that’s never a teaser straight from Reser!

–The Rocky Topper: the multipurpose tool for both sexes. Half-bear and half-cat, it’s all for the animal in you!

–The Yellow Jackette: The ideal high-tech, yellow and black striped pleasure baton for the high-tech lady in your life. Early adopters and next-gen types love it!

–The Mike Seven: Hold that tiger…with both hands! A surefire champion for size queens everywhere, this monster’s big enough for even the most intimidating Death Valley.

–The SebAsstian: This Ibis-shaped wife wand will keep “U” in shape no matter how you decide to use it.

–The Golden Gopher: its powerful burrowing action ensures you’ll never go digging for a another toy again!

–The Washington “Husky”: For those who favor girth, you can’t go wrong with the Husky.

–The Eastern Carolina Pirate: Four D-cell batteries, 23 separate LEDs, 8 moving parts, a durable Tensagrip handle, and genuine Buccaneer design ensure that no matter how far you plunge into the Outer Banks, you’ll keep hauling in the booty like a real pirate!


Yarr.



Filed under: Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, bizarro superman says you're welcome, consumerriffic!  by Orson Swindle

FOR NO APPARENT REASON

The title explains why we’re posting this, other than it was sent to us, and it’s funny. (Though perhaps its some sort of fair and balanced bitching we’ve had on the blog about Auburn today, but only inadvertently so.)

Just watch Saban keep popping up. Stranko’s rule: if it’s funny once, it’s funny every single time ! (HT: Taylor.)

UPDATE: Maybe there’s a reason for Bobby endlessly beating someone up out of frustration: Florida State has placed itself on probation for two years and up to 60 athletes will lose some eligibility. While we’re all at it, we’re going to place ourselves on probation for excessive profanity. Fuck, that’s a great idea! I get to judge me! Hell fucking yes!



Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, Atlantic Coast Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference, bizarro superman says you're welcome  by Orson Swindle

FIDDLE, FIDDLE: PROPOSED NEW RULES

The NCAA Football Rules Committee, you breathe in vain. Air’s supposed to be moving smoothly into the lungs, transitioning between the alveoli and the blood, and thus traveling to important football organs like the muscles, heart, and lastly the brain. We say ‘lastly, the brain’, since the continual tinkering of the Rules Committee has resulted in a yearly series of dadaist proclamations and naked attempts to give fans less football and make officiating more, not less difficult. This is either brainless, disingenuous, or both. Given our pessimistic nature, we suspect both.


A proclamation! I need to make a proclamation!

The press release even has a Luntzian lilt to it: “NCAA Football Rules Committee Proposes Rules to Enhance Student-Athlete Safety and Encourage Consistent Pace of Play.” This means that the actual priority is shortening the game, since it’s mentioned second and not first. We hate the name of this memo: “Annual Plan for Enhancing the People’s Grain Production and Spreading Cooperative Cooperation To All Bulgarians” would have been a better one, which in Commie-speak meant “Eat a diet of hot rat, peasants: it’s time to buy some dachas.” We hate euphemisms: just say you want to make the game more manageable for television, and we’ll only be mostly enraged, as opposed to prodded by bullshit into a pissshitting, nail-spitting rage.

So what exactly have they proposed? We rate each proposal with the universally understood internet ratings of FAIL, Meh, and WINNAR. All rules phrasing is lifted directly from the proposal. To our surprise, we only FAIL one of these, but it’s a big, big FAIL. As in, a whole shipment of FAIL.

Additionally, after a year of consideration, the committee proposed a 40/25 second play clock system to encourage a consistent pace of play.

Rating: FAIL

So we’ll be more like the NFL! And there will be fewer plays! YAYYYYYYYYY. The reverse curse of replay has been the buggering around with clock rules, a task the committee botched the first time like a brain surgeon asked to perform an operation wearing oven mitts. This time, it’s moving the play clock to 40 seconds from 25, a move “some” coaches favored because of the differing amount of time officials from different conferences used in moving the chains. (more…)



Filed under: All-Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, conspiracies  by Orson Swindle

HOW TO SAY I LOVE YOU, TIGER-STYLE

The Auburner has this year’s crop of Valentine’s Day cards, and they’re marvelous as usual. Be sure to complete the Auburn V-Day ritual by giving your main squeeze a coupon for four points off two safeties in the third quarter, a hug with a Bobby Lowder Limited Edition Victorionox Knife In the Back, and then jump sideways into their knee and claim it was accidental.

Our favorite:

Note that last one? Do ya, huh? See what they’re doing there? Eh?



Filed under: Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

CURIOUS INDEX, 2/14/08

Yes, they’ve proposed rule changes. We’re going through the spice cabinet looking for the right blend of profanity to cover just what a fucking terrible ass-chancre of an idea this is. Repeat: bad idea.

BAD IDEA JEANS

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Tennessee boots two from the team for unspecified reasons. Antonio Wardlow and Donnie Davis both had trouble in their recent past–Wardlow for a fight in November of 2006, Davis for an in-season fight in his hometown of Iowa City in October of last year–but we only get the “rules violations” tag as the reason for their dismissal. If they did do something, it’ll pop in the next few days, but if they didn’t, it’s an indication that Phil Fulmer really, really doesn’t want the Cup that bears his name. (Unless you fill it with the tasty meat sauce and a-give to the Papa! So happy he is, he dances to the song!)


MP3 File

Nick Saban can’t count. Or worse yet, he can: Brian is shocked, shocked! in finding out that again, an SEC school has signed more recruits than they can possibly put on scholarship. Even more shocked, shocking! is the fact that it’s Nick Saban, an old hand at juggling massive signing classes: greyshirts, JUCO guys, and the old reliable: forcing people off the team because you want to put another player in his place. It’s not quite as bad as Brian paints it…but it’s cold, opportunistic roster manipulation more often seen at the NFL level. Meaning: bad.

Josh Booty, sacked by police and tasered. Well, of course he was. As most SEC defenders of his era can attest, he’s easily confused and more easily caught.

Bear Necessity has Pac-10 recruiting maps showing exactly what you think: desperate and against the wall with barrels pointed at him, Ty Willingham actually locked down Seattle. Part one here; part two, here.



Filed under: Alabama man! he can drink he can bowl he can drink some, Atlantic Coast Conference, Big 10 Conference, Big 12 Conference, Big East Conference, Blog Buddies, Coaches, the BCS, scandals, arrests, and other eccentri, College football, Pacific 10 Conference, Southeastern Conference  by Orson Swindle

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