IT'S TOO SOON TO TALK SPRING PRACTICE LET'S TALK SPRING PRACTICE

Ignore the dates. They're wrong. Think of this as science fiction, but without the science.

It is too early to talk about spring practice, meaning we're going to talk about spring practice and talk it about it right now, mother fucker. Perhaps you don't tailgate spring practice, but thousands of desperate souls in this fine nation of ours do, so starved are they for waking up and getting drunk early on a Saturday without shame. (Not that you can't get drunk early on a Saturday without shame, you just can't do it with as much company.)

Notable dates for Spring practice:

The Premature Epracticulator: North Texas. Of all the programs in the nation, the first one out of the gate is North Texas. The Mean Green begin their spring practices on February 13th. The cows in adjoining fields should be giving them odd looks.

March 6th and 7th, actually.

Let's practice before I find another job. Rick Neuheisel, ever the PR guru, bumped UCLA's practices up to February 23rd. This makes them not only the first team in the Pac-10 to take the field, but also the first BCS conference team to take the field in 2008 in any form. They're actually practicing before Alabama or Auburn, a real absurdity considering the Yellowhammer State's gradual creep toward starting spring football practice three days after the bowl game.

Actually, UCLA starts practice reasonably on April 3rd.

Speaking of: Alabama life regains meaning and joy on February 24th and 28th, when Alabama and Auburn begin their respective practices. They will continue for the next five months, and then segue directly into the season, which will end with a bowl game. Fortunately, both teams will start spring practice in November, eliminating the unfortunate gap between football and non-football time.

Well, A-Day's gonna be on April 12th, but Bama starts on March 13th. No one beats Sylvester Croom to the punch: MSU starts first in the SEC on February 26th. Auburn follows shortly afterward on February 28th.

Michigan begins practice on the sensible date of March 18th. With Lloyd Carr gone, we may assume the dogs and razor wire have been removed from around the practice fields, and the process may be a more transparent one as a whole for the Wolverines. DickRod may actually correlate reports of weather conditions, something Carr thought was "for pinko commie sissypant dog rapists."

The dates haven't been set yet for Michigan's spring practice. The barbed wire crack still stands.

Reporters may no longer have to perform the Fosbury Flop over razor wire to watch Michigan practices.

Check the remainder here.