Today’s Mustache of the Day: wrestling legend KoKo B. Ware.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers! To hear Koko’s vocal talents, hit the jump to see immortal “Piledriver” video from the WWF’s album of the same name. Love can feel like a piledriver sometimes, we agree.

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The inside trout returns! Get yur yaw yaw on!

Texas A&M becomes massively awesomer than they were five seconds ago with the hiring of former Alabama defensive coordinator Joe Kines. For those not familiar with Kines, he rules in many ways:

1. Designs simple but effective defenses for the college game.
2. Implements them well.
3. Has been coaching since the Nixon administration.
4. Swallowed a bullhorn in a barfight in 1979, and can only speak in two ways: at high volume, or in the siren noise that is the other option on most bullhorns.

He is one of the loudest coaches ever, and he’s perfect for the Big 12, where he will face the inside trout yearly when A&M plays Oklahoma State.

Country lovin’ is fierce lovin’; hence the fierce emotions governing such things as NASCAR, loyalty to American car brands, and other things you can get the pitchfork and torch crowd riled up about. If you wonder what we mean by that: the people in the village who show up to kill Frankenstein with torches and pitchforks? Those people, who were told by the sensible people to go chase the monster to some place called “America.” That’s the torch and pitchfork crowd, and the last time we were a card-carrying member came with the last few weeks of the [NAME REDACTED] administration, when would have happily carried the rail so long as it had one very, very enthusiastic and energetic B-grade coach on it promising improvement the whole time.

Grrrr! Ahhhh!

West Virginia police are investigating death threats by the P ‘n T Krue (”Monster!”) against Rich Rodriguez.

According to the report by columnist Mitch Vingle, Monongalia County, W.Va., Sheriff Joseph C. Bartolo said his office is indeed investigating the situation.

Bartolo called the forwarded information “very vague” but said Lt. Walter Fumich would head an investigation.

Oh, Lord/Jebus/Cthulu/Buddha/Charles Bronson, please don’t let this lead back to a message board. Please, please, please not. Because what fan hasn’t, at one point threatened to drop a safe on a particular coach? An open safe filled with irradiated scorpions, each given their own tiny little scorpion handgun? We mean, come on. Who hasn’t made that exact threat on a Gator message board…sometime in the past….say, right around 2004 or so…

Host: Peace in the Middle East. Cold Fusion. Agreeing with Terrence Moore on anything.

Us, hitting buzzer: Um, what are things that won’t ever happen?

Unless you’re talking about this column, where we…um…agree with him? Oh God…we’ve lived too long…

Ignore the dates. They’re wrong. Think of this as science fiction, but without the science.

It is too early to talk about spring practice, meaning we’re going to talk about spring practice and talk it about it right now, mother fucker. Perhaps you don’t tailgate spring practice, but thousands of desperate souls in this fine nation of ours do, so starved are they for waking up and getting drunk early on a Saturday without shame. (Not that you can’t get drunk early on a Saturday without shame, you just can’t do it with as much company.)

Notable dates for Spring practice:

The Premature Epracticulator: North Texas. Of all the programs in the nation, the first one out of the gate is North Texas. The Mean Green begin their spring practices on February 13th. The cows in adjoining fields should be giving them odd looks.

March 6th and 7th, actually.

Let’s practice before I find another job. Rick Neuheisel, ever the PR guru, bumped UCLA’s practices up to February 23rd. This makes them not only the first team in the Pac-10 to take the field, but also the first BCS conference team to take the field in 2008 in any form. They’re actually practicing before Alabama or Auburn, a real absurdity considering the Yellowhammer State’s gradual creep toward starting spring football practice three days after the bowl game.

Actually, UCLA starts practice reasonably on April 3rd.

Speaking of: Alabama life regains meaning and joy on February 24th and 28th, when Alabama and Auburn begin their respective practices. They will continue for the next five months, and then segue directly into the season, which will end with a bowl game. Fortunately, both teams will start spring practice in November, eliminating the unfortunate gap between football and non-football time.

Well, A-Day’s gonna be on April 12th, but Bama starts on March 13th. No one beats Sylvester Croom to the punch: MSU starts first in the SEC on February 26th. Auburn follows shortly afterward on February 28th.

Michigan begins practice on the sensible date of March 18th. With Lloyd Carr gone, we may assume the dogs and razor wire have been removed from around the practice fields, and the process may be a more transparent one as a whole for the Wolverines. DickRod may actually correlate reports of weather conditions, something Carr thought was “for pinko commie sissypant dog rapists.”

The dates haven’t been set yet for Michigan’s spring practice. The barbed wire crack still stands.

Reporters may no longer have to perform the Fosbury Flop over razor wire to watch Michigan practices.

Check the remainder here.

Ragin Cajun emails us and points us to a collection of names in LSU’s 2009 recruiting class that, if all landed, will destroy any and all standards for All-Name team selection.

–Abrecus Martinez

–Barkevious Mingo

–Harry Peoples (who actually shaves his head)

–Ky’Var Bolden

–Shavodrick Beaver

–Shaquelle Evans and a

–Shakeil Lucas

–Marjarvin Chapmen

The official EDSBS editorial position is that we encourage all of these recruits, no matter the damage to our own team or others, to immediately commit to LSU. This simply must happen. Barkevious Mingo? A villain from Tank Girl or prize recruit? You decide.

The Fulmer Cup now gets serious as Missouri turns itself from one-trick pony (a single large arrest for massive drug possession) to a legitimate contender. Tigers, you may thank walk-on offensive lineman Zachary Wayhart and his undeniable, irresistible lust for vandalizing cars for turning Mizzou from an Ellis T. Jones III candidate to a Fulmer Cup leader.

Police said the damage to vehicles in the Virginia Avenue garage occurred between midnight and 2 a.m. Feb. 3. Most of the damaged vehicles were on the first floor of the parking lot.

Owners reported myriad problems, including slashed tires, keyed doors, smashed windshields and footprints on the hoods of cars.

Wayhart picked up four counts of “tampering,” meaning he either vandalized these cars or messed with some high-profile contract negotiations of some kind. Tampering is a a one pointer, meaning Wayhart earns four points for Mizzou and puts them squarely in the lead for the Fulmer Cup. Also, Missouri clearly needs some nightlife. What, Branson isn’t enough for you, you greedy bastards? You’ve got Yakov Smirnoff–WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT?

ps. Branson has a show called “Baldknobbers.” This would be a totally different show in Bangkok, we bet.

Nightmare fuel: Baldknobbers.