The Cincinnati Bearcats enter the Fulmer Cup by answering a question as old as the internet itself: can you break a bottle over someone’s head? And as the internet told us, lo so many years ago as we watched a flickery, jerky image over a dial-up line in a dorm, yes, Virginia, you can break a bottle over someone’s head. In fact, you can do it yourself, Johnny Methbelt.
We’ve used that video before, but it’s timeless, really. The bit where someone points and says, “Now that’s some redneck right there” should be recorded and placed in the Smithsonian. History needs not to forget accomplishments like that. Canfield’s incident remains mired in mystery, but let’s hope it was as colorful as the autobottling scene above.
UC offensive lineman Trevor Canfield, from Western Hills High School, was charged with felonious assault.
Canfield is accused of hitting Erik Monsen in the head with a glass bottle. UC coach Brian Kelly has suspended Canfield pending completion of the legal process and will have no further comment.
We’ve heard that Monsen, the bottle-ee, is the roommate of Canfield, and that Canfield did this not in the club, but in his room during an argument with his roommate after a night of festivity. If true, he might get the Dwayne Schintzius Award for Outstanding Roomie of the Year. 1990 Florida basketball reference what!
Alma maters: the sluggish, sway ever-so-slowly songs played at the end of the game when you’re either mooning about in the stands basking in gloatfog or running for the exits to vomit repeatedly following a loss…
Hit the smite button. Why aren’t you hitting the SMITE button, God? WHYYYYYY?
…yes! Just like that one. See, if there were a God in heaven, a huge, Monty Python-style foot would have crushed Wes Bynum at that instant, and joy would have reigned throughout the land. But no huge God-foot appeared, thus confirming we humans are just elaborate methods of displacing energy in one big return to cold, frosty galactic equilibrium.
Um…where…oh, yes. Alma maters. You end up singing them at the end of games, or more commonly, hearing them droned by the band while fifty people sing along in the corner of the stadium. The idea comes from some 19th century idea that singing together helps bring people together, unifies them under the banner of a common identity, etc, ideas that all sound pretty pinko to us in the first place. For the most part, singing in groups serves as a combo birth control device and exercise in humility, and if you want to do that all by yourself, that’s why the modern man has karaoke: it serves the same purpose but adds alcohol and individual embarrassment to the package.
But for tradition’s sake, we want the alma mater to surivive, simply because we like old things of a laughably old and quaint nature like the Panama Canal and fear of AIDS. It just needs to be pepped up a bit for modern times, really–thus our newest endeavor, Your Alma Modern. To be fair we begin, line by line, with Florida’s alma mater.
“He began shouting profanity and kicking his legs violently,” Minger said. “Then he began to swing his elbows and arms, and the medics had to restrain his arms, at which point he passed out again.”
While medics were trying to take a blood sample, Johnson regained consciousness and began knocking over materials inside the ambulance, and knocking an IV out of his arm, Minger said. He was placed in a secure portion of the hospital.
Dad? No, it’s Indiana football player Darius Johnson, the most prominent casualty of what must have been The Party That Ended The Universe in Bloomington, Indiana this past Saturday night. Johnson earned resisting law enforcement, illegal consumption, and public intoxication charges the incident described above after he was found passed out in the staircase of an apartment building. Four other Indiana players earned disorderly conduct and public intoxication charges about 40 minutes earlier for peeing in public.
Five big dudes all this fucked up off a something consumed at a college party can only mean one thing: a keg of Icehouse and different permutations of fortified wine were involved. Certain other things had to happen, too: people of wildly varying attractiveness scales mated, a video game system was irreparably damaged at one point in the evening, and someone powered a hole into the hopelessly ruined brown carpet of an off-campus apartment with acrid cheap-booze vomit. If memory serves us correctly, the whole scene should have smelled like a homeless man exploded inside the apartment.
Sorry, dude. When the mango grove gets into me, I don’t even know where I am.
The charges are all one pointers and total seven points for the Hoosiers.
We now point you to two points of semi-interest for the EDSBS community:
Twitterriffic: There’s a Twitter feed now for those who find sentences bothersome. Twitter is fun for fragmentary thoughts, but on a more practical level it’s great for covering events, especially when you see things like “Woman #37 crying on cell phone in Vegas.” It’s like reading someone’s notebook online as it’s written, which is both enlightening and, yes, frightening at times.
Facebook Yes, the odd Anglo-Saxon name is on the Facebook type thingy, as well. Don’t send us movie quizzes, because our tastes are incompatible with yours unless you have bad taste in films. And if you do, you’ll both refrain from sending us the quizzes, and appreciate this fine clip of American film acting.
Apologies, but we can’t help it if we’re custom-made. The Ric Flair videos won’t stop. They just play themselves.
USC’s own Kenichi Udeze, a defensive end from the 2003 National Title team, has leukemia. Details are sketchy as the diagnosis is a recent one, but send some kind of goodwill to the current Minnesota Viking today, even if he did take one of your favorite skill players and fold him into a pretzel once.
Legal Wranglage! DickRod goes to the state court level in his effort to weasel out of substantially reduce the amount of his buyout from West Virginia in a West Virginia court. Which will work out very well. In a West Virginia courtroom. With West Virginians. He may come out of this owing more money.
Notre Dame will play UConn in a ten game seriesbeginning next year, and they’ll do it at Gillette Stadium and at the Meadowlands, but not at UConn, because that is simply not done, evidently.
According to the memo, the Irish would not come to Rentschler Field in East Hartford. UConn’s “home” games would be at Gillette Stadium in Foxborough, Mass., in 2013, 2017 and 2020 and at the new Meadowlands stadium in East Rutherford, N.J., in 2015 and 2019.
Charlie Weis is very excited about the deal, even though it only covers a bit more than 1/30th of his anticipated 300 year term as coach at Notre Dame.
Oh, and Reggie’s gonna talk. Since Lloyd Lake is suing him, Reggie Bush will file a deposition in the case against him, something exciting much hubbub among the “strip-the-Heisman” crowd. This will all end with a whimper, since nothing will happen, either with USC or with Bush, since for the three-thousandth time there’s no order in college football that cannot bring the hammer down without hitting itself in the balls with said hammer. Remember: in the post-SMU only Alabama gets caught.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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