RECRUITNIKS PLACED IN HIBERNATION FOR 2008
by Orson on Feb 8, 2008 12:10 PM EST
Email
PrintTELLURIDE, CO--Scientists announced that Tom Lemming, Tom Luginbill, and several other major recruiting experts were safely placed into hibernation at the Institute for Seasonally Useful Sports Figures, according to Dr. Jay Pradhamavan, the project coordinator for the Institute.
"Lemming is currently in a stable state of hibernation in the football recruiting wing, along with most of the staff of Rivals.com and Scout," Pradhamavan said in a conference call with journalists and network executives. "He and others are being fed a nutritious solution of glucose and vitamins intravenously, and are currently in a state of suspended animation where their body temperatures have been lowered to 89.4 degrees."
"In other words," the white-coated charismatic young pioneer in the field of hibernation said, "they've settled into their offseason nicely."
The Institute, located inside a mountain on a private, gated campus just outside of Telluride, is a joint venture between ABC/Disney/ESPN, CBS, NBC, and Fox networks to ensure maximum economy in using their announcing talent.
"We had so many announcers, and so many specialists," said George Bodenheimer, President of ESPN. "Keeping them on payroll the whole time was expensive, and they seemed so miserable the rest of the year. So science met economics, and frankly, we've all come around to viewing this as a win-win situation."
Selected journalists received an exclusive peek inside the facility.
At first glance, the Institute resembles a misplaced expensive tech campus: a sprawling green lawn, concealed parking beneath a wedding cake white Frank Gehry designed campus, and a sleek, industrial-moderne foyer with a discreet but formidable security checkpoint system built in. There are no logos, no signs, or anything giving away to the outside world what the Institute actually is.
Institute spokesperson Angela Fisher says that is precisely the point. "We promise our clients absolute discretion. Who wants to admit that, outside of a single event or short football season, their lives are a void left empty by the departure of their particular sport? Believe me: when we put these people under, the last thing they say is "Thank you." It's one of the more rewarding parts of the job. "
A walk through a sterilization room and another security point takes you to the actual hibernation wards themselves: clinical white spaces where the clients wait in mummy-like cocoons of life-support equipment.
The gentle beeping of machines sounds throughout the halls. A sign reads "SHHHHHHH," and a new arrival takes one last leg-stretching jog through the facility before his nap.
Their names are emblazoned on the sides: McKay, Lemming, Button, Liggett. The tour guides hustle you quickly through lest you steal trade secrets or take too many photographs, but others are recognizable through the glass: the guy who does the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, Peter Gammons, Bud Collins, Phil Liggett, Tom Hammond...the list is an impressive one.
The guide tells us there are two hibernation options: Carbonite and suspended animation.
"Carbonite is cheaper, and there are more risks, like actual theft of the hibernating individual and other health risks. Often times, less monied clients will opt for this. It's a favorite of ESPN, as well, though, especially for their non-Sportscenter clients. They once asked us if they could just throw someone in a freezer for a few months.
The guide smiles. "Sometimes, part of the job is educating the client."
The tour group then moved on to a revivification room, where the NASCAR team is just being revived for their season. Commentator Darrell Waltrip, groggy in a hospital gown but still animated enough for a quick chat, says it's no worse than some naps he's taken.
"I mean, have you ever eaten a lot of candy and then passed out on a leather couch when it's real hot outside? It's about that uncomfortable when you wake up. But the thought of facing a non-racing day's a lot worse, believe me. You ever found yourself crying and doing donuts in a parking lot in Franklin, Tennessee just dying for the smell of burned rubber? Whew, man. You don't wanna be there."
Waltrip says others have it much worse. "Those Olympic guys are down for three and a half years in between stints. They've gotta read books to catch up. Me, I just gotta check the papers. Hey, the Patriots won the Super Bowl, right? And how's Giuliani doing in the election? No way that guy's losing this thing man. And hey! The Daytona 500's coming up baby! BOOGITY BOOGITY!"
36 comments
|
0 recs |
Do you like this story?
Comments
Nicely done. Disappointed that Davie wasn’t that annoying gremlin thing. Ty would have looked good as Leia too.
by Schnitzengruben on Feb 8, 2008 12:15 PM EST reply actions
Most disturbing picture ever done by LSU Freak.
At this time I would ask for Mr. Bean to return as substitute teacher and supply with more Marissa Miller photos, because the bunda is not going to be sufficient.
by Coop on Feb 8, 2008 12:16 PM EST reply actions
“So science met economics, and frankly, weve all come around to viewing this as a win-win situation.”
Science and economics are whores for each other…In a good way, except for that whole DDT thing, sorry about that, and that nuclear meltdown-near-miss, truly our bad.
by Brian on Feb 8, 2008 12:41 PM EST reply actions
I think they forgot to thaw Mike Tirico out this fall. Then again Flutie and him were probably small enough to share one chamber and they just pulled Flutie off of the top.
by Picture Me Rollin on Feb 8, 2008 12:48 PM EST reply actions
- - Tirico is on everything that is ABC/ESPN related.
He has become Disney’s version of Jim Nantz. A horribly horribly horribly inferior version of Jim Nantz.
by Coop on Feb 8, 2008 12:50 PM EST reply actions
At least this explains Mel Kiper’s hair: He’s not out of the chamber long enough for it to actually thaw.
by TIGERinATL on Feb 8, 2008 12:57 PM EST reply actions
Coop, yeah I know. It was a weak attempt at humor based on his abscence from the Thursday night game (Thank You ESPN!) and his height. But I try never to let pesky things like facts stand in the way of humor.
by Picture Me Rollin on Feb 8, 2008 1:09 PM EST reply actions
Speaking of “LSU” Freak, the wacko Cajuns just axed Brady.
It is not like he took them to the Final Four, 2nd appearance ever I believe, less than 2 years ago or anything.
I get that they were pissed about him shopping himself around 2 years ago, leveraged State among others for more pay, but still…
by Coop on Feb 8, 2008 1:17 PM EST reply actions
Coop,
It’s actually LSU’s 4th final four appearance all time, and considering that 4 of the 5 starters grew up w/in 5 miles of campus, it’s hard to get too excited about the job Brady did. The guy has been there 11 years and generates all the enthusiasm of a non bunda friday. It’s time for both parties to move on.
by kf on Feb 8, 2008 1:38 PM EST reply actions
Coop-
That’s a shame, we needed him to kick around some more. Hopefully Gottfried will not suffer the same fate.
Hope you get a W in CH this Sun. & irritate my youngest.
by yoyofutbawl on Feb 8, 2008 1:48 PM EST reply actions
12 – There is definitely some basketball talent in Louisiana, but it is not as if Dale Brown was ever mistaken for Dean Smith or Bobby Knight or even John Thompson.
Point being, for someone with LSU’s lack of basketball history to date, I am certain you have won a couple of SEC titles but you had Shaq, Chris Roberts, or whatever his name is now, and Stanley Roberts on a squad and you couldn’t even get out of the 2nd Round of the NCAAs…
beggars can’t be choosers.
If you were to hire Scott Drew you could become a force in the SEC, I am convinced of that.
by Coop on Feb 8, 2008 1:59 PM EST reply actions
Looks to me like LSUFreek is a one trick pony… Seems infatuated with all things ND.
by Bucknutter on Feb 8, 2008 2:17 PM EST reply actions
If you want to know what players think of john brady, a good person to ask would be torris bright. aside from his uncanny resemblence to Juvenile, he was all-sec freshman who brady coached into an awful player. if you want to talk to him, he shucks oysters at walk-ons in baton rouge. tell ’em skip bertman sent ya!
by john r on Feb 8, 2008 2:22 PM EST reply actions
Coop,
Given your lack of knowledge regarding number of final four appearances, players’ names (Chris Jackson is the player to whom you were referring), etc., you obviously aren’t too familiar with the history of LSU basketball, so don’t assume that a good coach couldn’t be convinced to go there. Brady had three winning conference seasons out of eleven. That record should get anyone fired.
by dashriprock on Feb 8, 2008 2:27 PM EST reply actions
The reason I am not familiar with your basketball program’s history is that you don’t have one, at least nothing noteworthy.
Pete Maravich scoring 45 points a game and losing is not noteworthy.
Sorry about not getting Chris Jackson’s name wrong, I knew it the minute I sent it in but there is no edit function, but it further proves my point.
8 losing seasons does deserve a firing, but you could at least wait until the end of the season, but whatever.
But, no, there is no reason for anyone outside of Louisiana and the SEC to know anything about the history of LSU basketball, because you don’t really have one.
And, for those keeping score at home, I went to grad school at Duke, so I don’t want to hear anything about Clemson’s lack of basketball history.
I, obviously, qualify.
Kudos on the Paulus piece on the 35 seconds site, O. He should have stuck to playing football and signed with Notre Dame.
by Coop on Feb 8, 2008 2:39 PM EST reply actions
Tyrus Thomas and Big Baby went to the Final Four. Brady was just a stow-away.
Outside of that one year, Brady had been .. hibernating … for 11 years where only snores were audible through out the P-Mac.
Did I threadjack a threadjack? Swindle that was a brilliant piece.
by LSUfreek on Feb 8, 2008 2:40 PM EST reply actions
I see someone else watched 200:1 a space odyssey on TCM last night.
by reb pup on Feb 8, 2008 2:41 PM EST reply actions
For you hoops junkies, how about taking this over to http://www.thirtyfiveseconds.com
by Geaux Irish on Feb 8, 2008 3:02 PM EST reply actions
21 – There hasn’t been an article written over there in 15 days or so.
by Coop on Feb 8, 2008 3:05 PM EST reply actions
That’s probably because baskeball season does not start till march.
by oc phil on Feb 8, 2008 3:09 PM EST reply actions
More Fulmer Cup points for Ol Wazzu:
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/cougars/2004171106_coug08.html
I know you got the contact lense assault but there’s also a theft charge in there now and at the bottom of the article a Samoan doin’ some drinkin’ and destructin’
by RRTX Coug on Feb 8, 2008 3:10 PM EST reply actions
8, as I was reading this article I thought the same dang thing. “That explains Kiper.”
by ThreenOut on Feb 8, 2008 3:13 PM EST reply actions
coop @17 – as a duke fan, you should be at least somewhat familiar with LSU basketball, as #1 seed duke lost to history-less LSU in the tourney. JJ redick sobbed on the court after the game. it was beautiful.
by john r on Feb 8, 2008 3:15 PM EST reply actions
Hey guys… tell Teddy Ballgame we said “hello”.
by GamecockTony on Feb 8, 2008 3:25 PM EST reply actions
- - Ditto
Any sport the ACC is good at must suck.
by TIGERinATL on Feb 8, 2008 3:40 PM EST reply actions
c’mon TIGER… women’s basketball doesnt suck…
wow thats impossible to do with a straightface…
by beckett929 on Feb 8, 2008 4:03 PM EST reply actions
Could I get the contact info. for I.S.U.S.F.
I’m sick of hearing basketball talk, and we haven’t made it through Feb yet.
I figure I can do a 3 month stint with no problem.
by Houndstooth Homer on Feb 8, 2008 4:12 PM EST reply actions
31 – The ACC has surpassed the SEC in women’s basketball superiority, as well.
Did I just type that?
Call me when one of your schools starts playing lacrosse and crew.*
- - Oh, I am so embarrassed.
by Coop on Feb 8, 2008 4:13 PM EST reply actions
This line validates the whole piece:
The guide smiles. Sometimes, part of the job is educating the client.
by Kenny on Feb 8, 2008 4:21 PM EST reply actions
reb pup @ 20: I did too. And I like the idea of a movie called “200:1, A Space Oddity.” Jimmy the Greek needs a comeback vehicle. “You used to be that Formula One driver… back when high-button shoes were in style!”
by panhandler on Feb 8, 2008 4:23 PM EST reply actions
#25, All you had to say is “A Washington(state, not city) college’s sports team and the Seattle Times” and ya know it ain’t good. Perhaps the Seattle Times could become the official sponsor of the Fulmer Cup, past and present.
by JoeSAV on Feb 9, 2008 12:38 AM EST reply actions
Comments For This Post Are Closed
Secondary Sidebar
User Tools
FanPosts
Community blog posts and discussion.
Certain photos copyright © 2012 by Associated Press or Getty Images. Any commercial use or distribution without the express written consent of Associated Press and Getty Images is strictly prohibited.
