FRIDAY CHEESECAKE: TASENA
Her name is Tasena, and she’s been in a Pitbull video. Really, given that and these photos, she needs accomplish nothing more with her life.
Bunda after the jump. Enjoy your weekend.
February 8, 2008
RECRUITNIKS PLACED IN HIBERNATION FOR 2008
TELLURIDE, CO–Scientists announced that Tom Lemming, Tom Luginbill, and several other major recruiting experts were safely placed into hibernation at the Institute for Seasonally Useful Sports Figures, according to Dr. Jay Pradhamavan, the project coordinator for the Institute.
“Lemming is currently in a stable state of hibernation in the football recruiting wing, along with most of the staff of Rivals.com and Scout,” Pradhamavan said in a conference call with journalists and network executives. “He and others are being fed a nutritious solution of glucose and vitamins intravenously, and are currently in a state of suspended animation where their body temperatures have been lowered to 89.4 degrees.”
“In other words,” the white-coated charismatic young pioneer in the field of hibernation said, “they’ve settled into their offseason nicely.”
The Institute, located inside a mountain on a private, gated campus just outside of Telluride, is a joint venture between ABC/Disney/ESPN, CBS, NBC, and Fox networks to ensure maximum economy in using their announcing talent.
“We had so many announcers, and so many specialists,” said George Bodenheimer, President of ESPN. “Keeping them on payroll the whole time was expensive, and they seemed so miserable the rest of the year. So science met economics, and frankly, we’ve all come around to viewing this as a win-win situation.”
Selected journalists received an exclusive peek inside the facility. (more…)
WIZARD HATS IN THE BIG TEN
Joe Tiller, ladies and gentlemen, presumably on Rich Rodgriguez:
“If we had an early signing date, you wouldn’t have another outfit with a guy in a wizard hat selling snake oil get a guy at the last minute, but that’s what happened.”
Of course, he is most likely talking about the last-minute poaching of recruit Roy Roundtree from Purdue to Michigan on Signing Day. Bitches, you just don’t know how gangsta Joe Tiller can get with this shit. You just don’t want to know.
CURIOUS INDEX, 2/8/08
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The voting for the CFBAs has been postponed until Monday to get the voting widget prepared. Plus traffic is heaviest on Mondays anyway, since the dedicated United States workforce typically enters the work week at a full stumble rather than a sprint. Mike Stoops apologizes for calling Arizona State “a junior college.” Booooooooooo! Rivalry never apologizes! Then again, Mike Stoops has lost three straight to Arizona State, so rivalry may be a strong word at this point. (Remember: for the ADD-stricken, two’s a trend, three’s a fact.) The verbiage: “Yesterday in my annual signing day news conference I regretfully made some comments about sister institution Arizona State University,” Stoops said in a statement. “These remarks were dutifully reported by the media, and not necessarily taken out of context — which was within some of my heartfelt observations about the recruiting process and what it entails for individuals and college football programs. But it was a personal mistake and one for which I apologize.” Again: booooooo!!! Though calling them a “sister” institution could be interpreted as a proper use of the terminology and a dig at the same time, if you’re just looking for a dig somewhere in there. Dienhart says Florida co-DC Greg Mattison is gone, gone, gone. The storyline is that Mattison, one half of the defensive coordinator spot at Florida along with Charlie Strong, wants to bank a few years primo NFL salary before retiring. Mattison’s a very good recruiter, and that’s a loss, and also served as a good mentor of defensive linemen, his specialty. It’s leaving a hole, and the timing blows goats. If only the decision had been made earlier, we could have had a shot at…you know.
Recruits receiving fake letters telling them Ohio State was withdrawing their scholarship offers? “I looked at them like, ‘What the heck? This is fake,’ ” Mobley said last night. “There were all these misspellings, and you couldn’t even read the signature, it was like, ‘Jim, scribble-scribble.’ …”I sure hope the person who did it wasn’t 30 years old or something, because it’s embarrassing,” he said. No, Brian’s not 30, and he wouldn’t misspell anything, either. so take him off your suspect list. Number one, twenty-four. Whatever, dude. Scout analyst Miller Safrit says that when it comes to recruiting rankings, he’s pretty Ecclesiastes-ish about the whole thing. “All is vanity! Vanity!” “For us, the difference isn’t very significant,” said Scout’s Miller Safrit. “When you’re combining mathematical formula with opinion, it’s not really something where you can say, ‘We are better than you.’ We could tweak the rankings tomorrow and end up with Southern Miss ahead if we wanted.” That may be, outside of references to Armageddon and Genesis, the only other Biblical reference we’re comfortable throwing out, since we spent most of our CCD time looking up dire, Old Testament God-threats like “YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE EATEN” and drawing modern stores and businesses into the maps of Jerusalem in the back. Besides that, if it wasn’t mentioned in a Faulkner book or other piece of modern lit, we won’t recognize it. (Oh, and Song of Solomon, but only because it will totally get you laid with Bible literate bookish types. “The joints of thy thighs are like jewels?” Works every time. |
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