EDSBS LABS: WHAT’S GETTING RECRUITS?
Remember, this is science. Don’t try this at home without years of empirical methods study and statistical analysis seminars. You may, however, click on the image to see a larger version for the home audience.
February 4, 2008
HBCUS RECRUITING WHITE PLAYERS
Possession receivers, opportunities ahoy!
HBCUs: looking into the Chris Doerings of the world.
THE BIG BOARD: ILLINIWEK WRECKIN’
The Big Board for this week, brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson.
The new charges, notes, and clarifications:
The Vols pick up two for Faison’s DUI and continue to win the team award: five arrests in total only have them at the eight point mark, meaning they may be kings of the junk bond market, but in points alone they’re trailing due to the spectacular tallies of Missouri and Illinois.
Oregon enters due to the weird charge of “running a drug house,” a charge that must be from the civil code of Oregon or something since we’ve never heard it before. On paper, it merely looks like receiver Derrick Jones was arrested for contempt of court, so for the moment we’ll assess the Ducks with a mere two points. If the charges blossom into something spectacular–JONES HAD LIVE TIGER, WORLD IS MINE NEON FOUNTAIN SCULPTURE IN DRUG MANSION–then we’ll modify. For now, two points it is.
Note that Missouri and Illinois are up there for individual accomplishments, and so may both end up being Ellis T. Jones III candidates for individual achievement, not Fulmer Cup winners.
FULMER CUPDATE: VOLS STILL TIPPIN’
Tennessee’s season of troubles: one, inside another, inside another…File under drankin’: 26 year-old Vincent Faison, a walk on for The University of Tennessee, was arrested for DUI in Knoxville this weekend. The police report comes out today, so we’ll see if Faison had a merely tipsy night of drinking or went into Yeltsin territory with his BAC. As it stands now, it’s a standard, generic brand DUI, and thus earns the Tennessee Vols another two points in the Fulmer Cup. We’ll check totals later today, since Oregon’s got a nifty little drug charge on the weekend, too.
The best bit from the Tennessean article:
The only player Fulmer has suspended is Faison. The disciplinary action Fulmer handed out to the others included community service at a drug rehab facility, participation in police ride-alongs, curfews and more frequent drug tests.
They get to ride in a police car? In the front? That sounds fun, especially since given the Vols’ mayhem-heavy offseason already, this sets up for the sweetest of possible ironic scenarios: a Vol football player in the front on a ride-along being there for the arrest of–yes–a teammate, who will then have to ride in the back. The only thing cooler would then be the cop getting high with the football players, and then getting arrested by another cop who has to take all three to jail in another car. It’s a Russian Doll/homunculus situation: the only thing cooler than a football player participating in the arrest of another football player would be another football player getting arrested by a football player and so on into infinity…
DEAR [INSERT RECRUIT'S NAME HERE]
Dear [insert Recruit's name here],
Your schedule for your visit follows below. Please note that any and all changes to the schedule must be made in advance, unless it’s harshing your mellow, in which case we’ll just roll with it, dude. No worries.
It’s official visit time! Feel free to take anything you like, including a whole tree or any car you see.
6:00 a.m. Mat drills! Oh, just kidding. You’ll be sleeping. Just wake up when you want to, because that’s the way things are here. You roll out of bed when you please, because players like you need their sleep. But before you do…
~11:15 a.m.: Morning greeting. One of our greeters will meet you personally in your dorm room and “greet” you for 10 minutes or so. Unless you’re some kind of freak, it shouldn’t take longer than ten minutes for the greeting process to be completed. Our greeters are not professionals, but rather students you’ll see every day for as long as you like! Imagine the fun of greeting on demand, recruit!
11:30: Breakfast. Join us at the dining hall for eggs, sausage, and a little bit of wake ‘n bake. And by that, we mean brownies, baked fresh in the commissary every day! Why, what else do you think we would mean, silly? And if something is chewy and green in your eggs, it’s “spinach.” So hard to digest! Why don’t you just spit it out, wash it, and carry it in your pockets for later.
12:00: Personal concert from BunB and the 3-6 Mafia. Or Three Doors Down, if you’re less into the urban music and more into country-friendly rock. We make no racial distinctions here, we just want everyone to be happy and comfortable. If you’re Christian and think music is for the devil, we’ll be happy to just take you bowling with the team chaplain, because bowling is the holiest of low-impact sports. (more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 2/4/08
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That’s one way to do it. Fernley High School lineman Kevin Hart announced this past week that he was going to play for Cal, a bold and innovative step in recruiting techniques since the Reno, Nevada resident may or may not have a scholarship offer from Cal. So just go out there, commit, and see if they bite. Live to win, son! LIVE! YEAH! It is not that simple, of course: in fact, according to his football coach, it may be all part of something much, much bigger. “This is involving law enforcement and may involve other departments, other than the NCAA, that are bigger than local,” Hodges, who has been in coaching for 20 years, said. “I would love to tell you everything I know, but I can’t at this time and I’m not even sure what I know.” Treadstone, the Vatican, the CIA, Interpol, the Illuminati, the Bilateral Commission, the Elders of Zion, Comintern, S.P.E.C.T.R.E., and others could not be reached for comment. (HT: Dave.) “We’re going to kick those guys butts across town!” If you want a glimpse at the master-race charisma of the Salesman himself in action, watch Rick Neuheisel pumping up the crowd at Pauley Pavillion during a UCLA basketball game. Please also note the look on Norm Chow’s face the whole time: wherever Chow is, it looks like he’s in complete knowing control, even if he’s completely and totally not (see: watching the Titans offense last year.) (HT: Gutty Little Bruins.) Mess with the DickRod, get the DickRod! Rich Rodriguez has done the All-American thing in his ongoing spat with West Virginia: countersued them for, um…poor Outlook managers? The university broke so many promises, Rodriguez’s lawyers wrote, and so slandered and even endangered Rodriguez, that the court should limit his potential damages to no more than $75,000, not the $4 million the university is seeking. Endangered? As in put him and his family in danger of bodily harm, or made them a rare species worthy of protection? We’re going with the second, since most West Virginia fans seemed happily in favor of putting a radio collar on DickRod after his flirtation with Alabama. (This would have made the whole Michigan drama so much easier in the first place, since you could just have just tracked him as you would a rogue polar bear or dolphin.) Duke is fat. At least according to David Cutcliffe, who will have the team running this spring to lean ‘em up, create team spirit, etc. Phil Fulmer doesn’t even know who you are anymore, David Cutcliffe. Running is for women and cheetahs, son. Yes, there’s a Fulmer Cupdate coming this morning, as it was a busy weekend for many, including Tennessee, who are making a vintage effort here. (Can’t taunt, fear Gator player being caught for discharging RPG while smoking baseball bat spliff outside dorms.) In the meantime…you can’t handle Puppy Bowl! Don’t even try. |
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