THE JOB INTERVIEW: TENUTA AND WEIS
Scene: Charlie Weis’ office in South Bend, Indiana. Weis is about to hire Jon Tenuta as defensive backs coach and assistant coach, but wants to see the goods first. If he can ever get off the chirp…
Weis: (talking into Nextel) “Reg, seriously, I will take that under consideration.”
Nextel: (CHIRP!) “Seriously, Charlie. No one’s run the wishbone in years! It’ll be Greek to everyone, and Clausen will love it!”
Weis: “Sure, Reg. Sure. I’ll take that very carefully into consideration. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an interview with–”
The door flies open. A large man with gray hair, a wild look in his eye, and an ill-fitting grey suit stands in the doorway. Jon Tenuta enters carrying the shoulder of a fly-ridden deer carcass and a play book.)
Tenuta: YOU CALL NUMBER ONE TAH-NOO-TAH?
Weis: Yes. We’re looking for a new defensive backs coach, and possibly someone to help give some more bite to our defense. I called around, and your name seemed to come up quite a bit.
Tenuta: HAW HAW HAW TAH-NOO-TAH KNOWN FAR AND WIDE! HIS NAME MAKE PEOPLE PEE AND CRY SAME TIME! HAW HAW HAW! (takes bite of deer carcass.)
Weis: Did you…did you kill that your self?
Tenuta: NOT THIS TIME. BOUNTY OF HIGHWAY KEEP TAH-NOO-TAH FED AND HAPPY TODAY.
Weis: Well, that’s….anyway, I wanted to ask you a few questions. Talk about defensive philosophy and what you’d suggest we do to make our defense even better than it was last year.
Tenuta: YOU NEED GET WHITE SAFETY OFF FIELD OR MAKE BLITZ!–
Weis: –yes, he’s gone, so don’t worry about him.
Tenuta: TAH-NOO-TAH LAUGH AND CRY SAME TIME WATCH HIM PLAY PASS COVERAGE!!! (takes huge bite of deer carcass.)
Weis: –yes, yes, well, he’s graduated, and Tom did a lot of good things for our football team.
Tenuta: ME ALWAYS TAKE WHITE SAFETY AND BLITZ, BECAUSE WHITE SAFETY NO RUN. POLYNESIAN, MAYBE. BUT WHITE—
Weis: Um, perhaps you could show me what you would show and do against an Ace, 2-tight formation, Jon?
Tenuta: TAH-NOO-TAH NO SCARED! ME BLITZ!
Weis: My, that’s…aggressive. I almost like it. Is that…
Tenuta: TOTAL BLITZ! NO FEAR TAH-NOO-TAH SHOW!!!
Nextel: (CHIRP!) Charlie, have you thought about getting the guys to train with this new Wii Fit thing they’ve got now? My grandkids just love it, and even Joy and I have gotten into it. I’ve lost three pounds just messing around with this thing! Imagine what it’ll do for Clausen–
Charlie: (Picks up nextel) Reg, little busy here, but I’ll take that under consideration–
Tenuta: YOU WANT ME SHOW OTHER SCHEME?
Weis: Sorry about that. Yes, please show me an I formation set-up, and how you’d line up against it.
Tenuta: ME NO FEAR I-FORMATION! BLITZ BLITZ BLITZ BLITZ!!!!
Weis: Again, aggressive. I like it. Now, for recruiting. If I want you to describe your philosophy about recruiting–
Nextel: (CHIRP!) Charlie, this is Regis. How about those PowerBands I’ve seen? Feldman’s been using them, and he’s ripped. RIPPED, I TELL YOU! For a gay producer, that is, but still–
Weis: –Reg, please, I just need a minute here.
Tenuta: TAH-NOO-TAH FEAR NO RECRUIT! DIAGRAM EXPLAIN!!!
Weis: Again, very aggressive, Jon. I like the way you think.
Tenuta: HAPPY COACH WORDS MAKE ME! YOU WANT BITE? (Tenuta takes another huge bite of the deer carcass, consuming skin, hair, and bone in muscular bites.)
Weis: No, um, thank you. Speaking of, would you like to eat–
Tenuta: TAH-NOO-TAH ANTICIPATE THIS QUESTION AND PREPARE SLIDE JUST FOR OCCASION. TAH-NOO-TAH SAY YOU LOOK!
Weis: Agreed. Tony’s subs it is. Let’s go and work on the details of your hiring.
Tenuta: YOU HIRE TAH-NOO-TAH COACH DEFENSE?
Weis: Sort of.
Tenuta: MONEY? NO MORE SCROUNGE FOR FLATMEATS?
Weis: No, no more bounty of the highway for you. We’ll pay you in money.
Tenuta: HAPPY YOU HAVE MADE ME FAT MAN.
Weis: Glad to have you on board. And just leave the rest of that deer thing here on the floor. Phyllis will clean it up.
Tenuta: TAH-NOO-TAH TAKE WITH FOR SNACK. (Flies buzz around the deer.)
Weis: Fine. Just save some for me!
Tenuta: TAH-NOO-TAH ALWAYS SHARE WITH FRIEND!
Weis: I’m just kidding. Even I’m not touching that with a ten-foot pole, man.
Nextel: (CHIRP!) Seriously, Charlie! The wishbone! Just imagine it! And don’t forget Wii fit!
Weis: I’m taking that into consideration, Reg. Off to lunch!
Nextel: (CHIRP!) The Baked Lay’s this time, Charlie! The baked ones!
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1
tbone says:
you mean having 2 ILBs and 2 safeties doing nothing on a given play is the wrong scheme?
who knew?
February 1st, 2008 at 2:29 pm
2
Ground0EastLansing says:
I wonder if that’s Tenuta’s scheme for the ladies as well? If so, he’s gotta be neck and neck with Travis Henry for most illegitimate children.
February 1st, 2008 at 2:33 pm
3
ProfKid93 says:
Hilarious. At least those fever dreams paid some dividends, eh Orson?
February 1st, 2008 at 2:36 pm
4
duhduhdee says:
When did the Orgeron morph into Tenuta?
February 1st, 2008 at 2:39 pm
5
Coop says:
Actually, Tenuta is a great fit at Notre Dame, seeing as how he enjoys recruiting about as much as most people enjoy public speaking.
Notre Dame’s defense just improved by a factor of 10 or so.
Why Tenuta has taken an NFL job or interviewed for them, big city life which he prefers, no recruiting which he hates, not having to compensate for shortage of talent which he had at Tech, etc…
I don’t understand.
February 1st, 2008 at 2:41 pm
6
everloyal says:
The first syllable of Regis is rendered in print as “Reeg,” not Reg. I thought you were talking about Reggie Jackson or some other Reginald.
February 1st, 2008 at 2:42 pm
7
Jeff says:
This is awesome, but needs to include cursing–not for humor’s sake but for realism. I think the reason his “mic’d” segment on Gameday blew was that he said nothing interesting without cursing.
At last year’s GT spring scrimmage (yes, Gailey never even did real spring “games”), me and buddies sat in the end zone so we could listen to Tenuta, who hangs behind the defense so he can see and yell at the secondary. It is all VERY LOUD. Some choice bits:
“Get your head out of your ass Avery! You want to stay on the fuckin field?! Make some fuckin plays!”
After a ref makes a questionable call, and keep in mind this is a scrimmage, not even a fake game: “What the fuck do you need fucking glasses?! I’ll pay for em!”
February 1st, 2008 at 2:42 pm
8
GTFridge says:
“ME ALWAYS TAKE WHITE SAFETY AND BLITZ, BECAUSE WHITE SAFETY NO RUN”
That’s a perfect summary of Chris Reis’ career at Tech. Great post.
February 1st, 2008 at 2:45 pm
9
Biggus Rickus says:
In Gailey’s defense he never did fall “games” either. Hey-O!
February 1st, 2008 at 2:47 pm
10
Cincy says:
heh… it took me about halfway through the post to figure out that Tenuta was speaking with a caveman accent.
At first I was like: “what the hell? Tenuta’s not Asian… is he?”
February 1st, 2008 at 3:00 pm
11
HeadThief says:
I think Charlie would eat some of that dear carcas is you just put some EXCITE Sensual Gel on it for seasoning. After all, it does “intensify and explosive experience”.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:18 pm
12
HeadThief says:
I think he would eat the deer carcas as well.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:19 pm
13
etsuVol says:
you gotta do a CoachO/Tah-noo-tah conversation…
February 1st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
14
The Gentleman Masher says:
Ah – the Tenuta D, you either get a crushed quarterback, or give up an 80 yard TD pass.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:24 pm
15
NRBQ says:
People actually go to watch Tech scrimmages?
February 1st, 2008 at 3:30 pm
16
crimson daddy says:
Well, ND’s average margin of defeat for next season just fell by 13 ppg.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:31 pm
17
TIGERinATL says:
I couldn’t decide if Tenuta was channeling Orgeron, Jakovasaurs, or Grimlock.
And if not for the GP surgery, there is no way Weis turns down the deer shoulder.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:33 pm
18
Brian O'Blivion says:
He was hired to simulate what Jimmy Clausen goes through on offense, except without the 80 yard TD passes.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:34 pm
19
Orson Swindle says:
It’s totally Grimlok.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:37 pm
20
Dr. William S. McPimpslap, M.D. says:
As someone who had the privilege of playing for Tenuta during my college years, I have to agree with Jeff. Not even close to enough cursing. The man uses “fuck” (pronounced FAHK) as a form of punctuation. Meetings were the best, so long as you weren’t the object of ridicule. We got gems like: “Shane where the fahk are you supposed to be? Stand up. Good. Now punch yourself in the nuts.” “Hey! Fuck you!” “If you blow that fuckin’ coverage again, I’m gonna jump out this fucking [pressbox] window! FAHK!” My favorite was his simple but elegant question to me, “Are you fucking retarded?” Other than though, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. Oh, and he used to refer to Charlie Weiss as “Fat ass.”
February 1st, 2008 at 3:38 pm
21
Phil K. says:
Orson, are you aware that something calling itself “Excite Sensual Gel” is advertising on the sidebar? It’s a good thing I’m already drinking, because I’m not sure I could handle the mental juxtaposition of sex lube and Jon Tenuta nomming a deer carcass otherwise.
February 1st, 2008 at 3:43 pm
22
DC Trojan says:
I’d never considered the possibility that Charlie Weis might have to constantly fend off the Reeg. It makes me feel something… is it indigestion? no, it’s pity – for Charlie Weis.
Fuck you for making me feel, Regis, fuck you. (That’s for Drew, as well.)
February 1st, 2008 at 3:45 pm
23
jerry says:
For an SEC-centered blog (you know you are), you sure do venture North a lot (for subject matter at least). Too bad your teams don’t…
February 1st, 2008 at 3:46 pm
24
Brian O'Blivion says:
They must be scared of that ‘decided schematic advantage’. Oh snap!
February 1st, 2008 at 3:49 pm
25
ProfKid93 says:
Orson, a Cirroc take would have been interesting too:
Ladies and gentlemen of the Monogram Club, I’m just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking airhorns in your football crowds make me want to run away from the sidelines, into a cave or the locker room or wherever . Sometimes when I hear the assistants over the headphones, I wonder: “How did they get so small to be able to fit inside there?” I don’t know! My primitive mind can’t grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know – when an opponent’s quarterback lines up under center on third-and-long with three wide, then you let the Sam and Will run wild each and every time. Thank you
February 1st, 2008 at 3:59 pm
26
twogreattastes says:
Off topic, and sorry if it’s already been brought up, but the Georgia House is crafting a proposal to urge the NCAA to adopt a playoff:
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2008/football/ncaa/02/01/georgia.playoff.ap/index.html
February 1st, 2008 at 4:13 pm
27
Matt says:
Tenuta before a game against UVA:
“These fucking Virginia hillbillies think they fucking invented the game of football, so we’re going to burn their fucking barns down!”
February 1st, 2008 at 4:20 pm
28
Because They Can says:
Announcers have been telling me for years about the genius that is Tenuta, so I’m a little shocked that he couldn’t land a DC job at a decent program (or a job coaching DBs at a decent program). Sorry-couldn’t resist.
February 1st, 2008 at 4:32 pm
29
Paul M says:
IRT 26:
Matt.. please tell me that is an actual quote. That would make my day
February 1st, 2008 at 4:41 pm
30
Der Schatten says:
17.
+100 Percocets for the Grimlock reference! (I’d offer cocktails, but after yesterday’s gallbladder/appendix removal, these bad boys have become my new BFF!)
February 1st, 2008 at 5:01 pm
31
Dr. William S. McPimpslap, M.D. says:
The best part of that UVA quote is that Tenuta is a Virginia alumnus. Also, with regards to the guy complaining about SEC teams going north, EDSBS isn’t an SEC-centered blog. College football is an SEC-centered sport.
February 1st, 2008 at 5:45 pm
32
dogtown gator says:
Um…. I’ve been here since post 100 or so, and I’ve no idea of what this post is referencing. I still yell at fatasses in Los Angeles “YOU BEEEEE BAW!”
But that’s cos Bruce Feldman and I roll out, and he wants to choke a bitch.
Seriously, could someone fill me in on Tenuta-talk? A link? A book? A YouTube clip?
February 1st, 2008 at 11:00 pm
33
Glenn says:
To the commenter who referenced former GT safety Chris Reis:
I hope you weren’t dissing him. I couldn’t tell what you were getting at because your entry was short and imprecise. At any rate, Reis was indisputably one of the top safeties Tech has had in the last 10-12 years, and if you know Tech football, you know that Dawan Landry was a Tech safety, among several other outstanding all-conference players, as Reis himself was, IIRC. He was also a pretty darn good linebacker for a season (was it two?)
February 2nd, 2008 at 10:09 am
34
Digital Headbutt says:
#32: Orson has gotten to the point where he can artificially create any dialect for any coach he sees fit, and it would still be funny.
If UNC didn’t let Tenuta go after 2001, John Bunting may still have a job. Which scares the hell out of me.
February 2nd, 2008 at 12:19 pm
35
GTFridge says:
Nah… I loved Reis. He did a great job at linebacker, and played well at safety. But I remember him blitzing a lot, and not playing much coverage.
As far as his ranking among Tech safeties, Lewis, Landry, Butler, Muyres, and Tillman all were awarded All-ACC spots for their play. Reis did receive an honorable mention for time a linebacker (lots of sacks from blitzing), but none for his time at safety.
February 3rd, 2008 at 1:59 am
36
poguemahone says:
Is Tenuta-speak a worthy successor to Orgeron-speak? Do we really want to have Orson write about Notre freakin’ Dame just as an excuse to use Tenuta-speak? I vote no.
February 3rd, 2008 at 12:39 pm
37
The Song of Hiawatha Francisco says:
(Fictional) Governor Clinton Tyree approves of how Tenuta gets his food.
February 4th, 2008 at 12:55 pm