No, this isn’t just another chance to post a Youtube video. It’s a cry for you, loving, liquorice-flavored lass of ours. It’s you who, when we’re addled with a mysterious flu-like illness that’s been dogging us for most of the day, comes to us with a velvet-covered sledgehammer of inky green mercy. It’s a plea for you, who comes to us like Rey Malualalalalaauga hammering Juice Williams unblocked up the middle, crushing us with an inevitability easily confused with natural law.

Oh, NyQuil. As Dennis Leary said: “Big N, little Y, BIG FUCKIN’ Q!” It’s to you we run in times of trial, voluntarialy ceding any and all ability to operate heavy machinery. Not since the days of Jeff Bowden, offensive coordinator, has sleep come so decisively or mercifully. Green Fairy of Aisle 12-A, we’ll see you tonight when your screwed and chopped grooves boom us to sleep.

Erique Robertson, Illinois weak-side linebacker, has been charged with three felonies in connection with an incident near the astonishingly spelled “E’llusions” nightclub in Champaign, illinois.

Freshman football player Erique Robertson pleaded not guilty to three class-four felonies Monday, one day after head coach Ron Zook suspended him indefinitely. The 19-year-old linebacker is charged with reckless discharge of a firearm and two counts of aggravated unlawful use of weapons.

According to a Champaign Police report, Robertson was also charged at the scene with not having the proper identification for a firearm and obstructing justice.

If the charges hold, that’s three points a felony charge plus the misdemeanor points…all tallying up a whopping 11 points for the Illini, who if you’ll recall leaped to a sizeable lead last year with the breakup of a burglary ring involving two players. This eleven point total would ensconce the Illini in the catbird seat with a one-point lead over Missouri, and also puts Erique Robertson in the running for the Ellis T. Jones III Award for individual achievement.

Remember: when [NAME REDACTED] talks about the need for proper gun handling, he’s not talking about firearms man.

Guns, baby.

These are seasoned professionals! Trev’s coming after us! AIIIIIIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Anonymous, like life, can be a bitch. At least that’s what Anonymous themselves say, the group of hackers and other assorted internet desperadoes that are currently slashing up the Church of Scientology’s servers and “hacking and spamming for Ron Paul.” (WOOOOOOO! Gold standard up in this bitch, baby!)

Anonymous also trolls for those soliciting underage girls “Dateline: To Catch a Predator”-style, waiting in internet chat rooms and making life very difficult for those cruising for tail at Hannah Montana concerts. This week’s edition of the show, poached off of 4Chan.org, show an unidentified young recruit identifying himself as “NAUGHTYHUBBY” who, after hearing that his conversation partner is 13 years old, asks if she would like to “SUCK MY BIG BLACK 18 IN DICK,” thus entering a heretofore unexplored country of sexual insecurity by claiming a penis not just twice, but three times average size.

No word on who the recruit is, if any action has been taken by authorities, or what the hell’s going on with it. It’s internet rumor of the most salacious kind. In other words: enjoy, in that “gawk-at-something-horrible” kind of way.

Another conversation between the recruit and the “cops” follows. Who knows if it’s actually the police; we suspect it’s not.
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