Ty Keck, at one time a very good punt returner for the Cincinnati Bearcats and onetime XFLer, appeared with his wife on the reality show “The Moment of Truth,” the FOX show where once again the network proves that they hate you, and do in fact want you to die the dog’s death you deserve, by asking people extremely uncomfortable questions in front of their spouses while hooked up to a lie detector.

Ty did reasonably well:

Keck won $25,000 for answering for admitting he peeked at his teammates private parts in the shower. However, he lost it when the lie detector deemed that he lied when asked a question on whether he ever touched his female personal training clients more than was necessary.

Keck also had to answer the question “Do you think you’ve delayed having children because you’re not sure if Catia will be your lifelong partner?” He answered yes, much to the chagrin of his wife and the audience.

OMG he’s gay! No, he’s not. He probably just did what anyone would do when Bobby Firehose struts into the shower: take a quick look and think, “Well, I bet I give better head, and am a much better listener than he is. AND MOM SAYS I’M A CATCH!!!”

For fuck’s sake, there’s Roman poetry about baths erupting in applause when a particularly well-hung guy walked in–and these were bloodthirsty straight Romans, not gym-rat Greeks ogling little boys while pumping iron. We’re in full agreement with Judd Apatow that America’s far too penis-phobic, unless you’re talking about Dikembe Mutombo. He could get head from three strippers at once at the Gold Club, and we’re not talking about ball and rim duty, either: three fully devoted strippers at once. That’s a sight only the most daring of women would take on by herself without a safe word.

Discussion of Dikembe Mutombo’s legendary babypole aside, Big Daddy Drew has the questions Ty Keck would have had to answer if he hadn’t flunked out at the 11th question, and they’re predictably awesome.

QUESTION 19: Have you ever masturbated, then taken a shit and then, without washing your hands, eaten a hamburger?

It’s probably enough to make us actually watch the show, if only to imagine putting our least favorite college coaches on the seat and asking them tough questions. Phil Fulmer, have you ever eaten an entire can of frosting with your finger after scratching your ass with that same unwashed finger? The machine sees all, Phil!