GO GATOR!
It’s the offseason. Why not watch a drunk girl at the Coke Orgy plow nose first into a bathroom door? (HT: Brian)
January 24, 2008
THEM FITTEDS COMIN’ TO SOUTH BEND
USF is bringin’ the shocker, the fitteds, and singlet guy to Notre Dame: the Bulls and Irish will play a “one-game series” in 2011 in South Bend. Cue obligatory picture of USF Singlet Guy:
You know why he’s wearing the singlet? Because when you make it rain like the Bulls do, you need a motherfucking swimsuit just to stay dry. (Now, when we go to the strip club, we make it hail, because CoinStar closed their kiosk in the local Kroger, and we got to shine somehow when we in the club.)
Speaking of making it rain, the article does inform us that the Bulls may have actually made money on their bowl appearance this year, a rarity among bowl-eligible schools. The Bulls amassed $269,300 in profit from their asswhipping at the SunBowl, a good haul by any measure. However, the clip from the TBO.com piece that caught our eye most was this:
TAMPA - When University of South Florida secondary coach Troy Douglas walked off the Notre Dame Stadium turf as a Michigan State assistant Sept. 22, 2001, he bent over and grabbed a little memento.
Douglas pulled up some of the turf and stored it in a sandwich baggie until getting rid of it a couple years ago.
All apologies to USF fans, but most Bulls fans we know will be bringing the fat pants, bolt-link chain necklaces, and an entirely different sort of weed in bags to the game.
EX-BEARCAT RETURNER APPEARS ON FOX DEATH OF HUMANITY SHOW
Ty Keck, at one time a very good punt returner for the Cincinnati Bearcats and onetime XFLer, appeared with his wife on the reality show “The Moment of Truth,” the FOX show where once again the network proves that they hate you, and do in fact want you to die the dog’s death you deserve, by asking people extremely uncomfortable questions in front of their spouses while hooked up to a lie detector.
Keck won $25,000 for answering for admitting he peeked at his teammates private parts in the shower. However, he lost it when the lie detector deemed that he lied when asked a question on whether he ever touched his female personal training clients more than was necessary.
Keck also had to answer the question “Do you think you’ve delayed having children because you’re not sure if Catia will be your lifelong partner?” He answered yes, much to the chagrin of his wife and the audience.
OMG he’s gay! No, he’s not. He probably just did what anyone would do when Bobby Firehose struts into the shower: take a quick look and think, “Well, I bet I give better head, and am a much better listener than he is. AND MOM SAYS I’M A CATCH!!!”
For fuck’s sake, there’s Roman poetry about baths erupting in applause when a particularly well-hung guy walked in–and these were bloodthirsty straight Romans, not gym-rat Greeks ogling little boys while pumping iron. We’re in full agreement with Judd Apatow that America’s far too penis-phobic, unless you’re talking about Dikembe Mutombo. He could get head from three strippers at once at the Gold Club, and we’re not talking about ball and rim duty, either: three fully devoted strippers at once. That’s a sight only the most daring of women would take on by herself without a safe word.
Discussion of Dikembe Mutombo’s legendary babypole aside, Big Daddy Drew has the questions Ty Keck would have had to answer if he hadn’t flunked out at the 11th question, and they’re predictably awesome.
QUESTION 19: Have you ever masturbated, then taken a shit and then, without washing your hands, eaten a hamburger?
It’s probably enough to make us actually watch the show, if only to imagine putting our least favorite college coaches on the seat and asking them tough questions. Phil Fulmer, have you ever eaten an entire can of frosting with your finger after scratching your ass with that same unwashed finger? The machine sees all, Phil!
TREV STRIKES AGAIN!
Trev lives! Again!
The content of this piece is innocuous enough: Norm Chow WOO, UCLA=”wha? suddenly potentially good?”, but that’s not why we posted it. We posted it because, watching it, our mind wandered to the image of Trev doing this in front of a fake Atlanta backdrop in his rec room, wearing boxers and and no pants but with the sport coat on to give the television illusion, doing take after take and berating himself with “No. NO! STUPID TREV!” and getting all red-faced and teary in between takes as his wife works the camera and tries to hold back desperate giggles.
We mean nothing snide about this: when Trev Alberts and EDSBS are both hanging around Atlanta doing college football-related media things from home, something has changed profoundly in sports media. He’s probably paid better for what he does, but we could never work on camera like suavissimo Vanilla Thunder for obvious reasons: massive jaw, eyes set damn near on the side of the head, perpetually sullen look on the face no matter the mood, inability to shave two days in a row, tendency to flick off camera…
FULMER CUPDATE: EROTIC CHICKEN + BEER = ARREST
Resisting arrest with zest: Ole Miss.DA REBBAH DONE–wait, wait. We can’t do the Orgeron voice when it comes to Ole Miss stories anymore, can we? He’s moved on to the Saints to coach their defensive line, meaning we fully expect to see Ed himself crashing double teams when he suits up in an attempt to psych his troops up next season. Watching a man blow both ACLs at once will never have been as festive, ami!
Instead, we’re left with the sadness of an Ole Miss team coached by the merely insane Houston Nutt. They make their debut in the Fulmer Cup with the arrest of safety Jamarca Sanford, who refused to leave the parking lot of Night Town, a billiards club, the kind we hate because it’s loaded with douchebags who, if you come within ten feet of them, give you the death glare and ask you “hey hey HEY! Little room at the table, here!” (See: Twain’s, Decatur, GA, for another of these.)
Apologies, Minnesota Shats–we’ll just be over here moving the cue ball with our minds, causing you to miss shots by fractions of an inch. Perhaps Jamarca hates these places, too, and just wanted to fight–or perhaps he was mesmerized by the menu offerings at Night Town. Erotic chicken might make us feisty enough to get arrested, too.
Fried Mushrooms - basket of ’shrooms served with ranch dressing. These ain’t the mushrooms that’ll get you to that Rocky Mountain high… But they’ll get you damn close. $4.50
Cheese Sticks - mozzarella cheese sticks served with marinara. Hung like your boyfriend but tastes twice as good. $5.00
Potato Skins - Potatoes, taken out back and stuffed to the brim by the capable hands of young Cuban ladies… topped with melted cheese and bacon bits, served with sour cream. $4.50
Chicken Tender Basket - hot, sexy chicken tenders and fresh-cut french fries served with your favorite spread of mouth-watering sauces. “NightTown… the most erotic chicken in Oxford.”
They watch ‘em on 8mm? Now we totally want to hang with the owners of Night Town. It’s a rare breed of gentleman that breaks out the double-reel for his porno, sir.
Oh, and two points for Ole Miss in the Fulmer Cup.
Erotic chicken cant u see, thoughts of pretty u and me.
CURIOUS INDEX, 1/24/08
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Florida Athletics will be investigating Urban Meyer for his brazen recruitment of gymnast Maranda Smith, girlfriend of junior college phenom and current Gator commit Carl Moore. According to a January 16th Gainesville Sun article Meyer openly encouraged Smith to commit to Florida’s gymnastics program, a nice coincidence since he also wanted Moore to come play football for Florida. Nice how that works out. It’s strictly internal at this point, but it is a secondary violation of NCAA regs and deserving of some form of punishment, no matter how laughable it will be. And oh, it will be laughable, no matter how badly we crave the punishment. Say it’s me that you want to dismember, NCAA. Perhaps the sight will scare Urban into less Neuheiselish recruiting gaffes. And according to the Wiz, there may be more. Or not. Whatever: if you think Florida’s dirty, go ahead and don’t even read any of this, and if you don’t, don’t bother reading it, either. Facts are pesky things, but thus far they point to Urban Meyer being just a tad willing to soil the hem of his dress to grab the arm of a fetching young man. No outright documented flops in the mud, but some disturbing stomps through the mud and at least three pieces of anecdotal evidence he lied to recruits: –The “Tebow is being recruited as a linebacker” bit from Meat Market. –The Darryl Stonum incident, documented here. –The Patrick Johnson episode where he referred to Meyer as a “coward” for back-channel questioning of his ACT score. Note: we originally had “Terrance Toliver” here, and were corrected by reader Amit. Much thanks to him.–ed. Just win baby! Yeah! (Waves pennant, puts hands over eyes.) Where the hell is Virginia starting qb Jameel Sewell? And what’s he doing with courtside tix to a basketball game when he’s AWOL from the football program? Pete Carroll is already getting commits from that promising fetus you’ve got there. They just keep getting younger and younger every year, man: USC gets a commit from the best qb of 2009 according to slightly creepazoid recruiting experts, thus ensuring that crushing expectations will loom over his first year of college, but also over his final year of high school. 35 year-old Clint Bowen will take over the DC spot at Kansas following the departure of Bill Young. No big wacky changes, since Bowen was the co-coordinator with Young last year. Young has moved on to Miami to help reclaim the ‘Cane defense from the realm of semi-suck it fell into last year. Again, every defense that has to share time with a Patrick Nix offense will find itself wanting to wring the throat of said offense by the third game of the season. Weird. After being certain he would end up at blitz-friendly, hell of a fine football team LSU, former Georgia Tech coordinator Jon Tenuta is taking his rabid scheme to…Washington? (HT: Travis.)
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