BOBBY BOWDEN'S BUCKET LIST

by Orson on Jan 23, 2008 11:13 AM EST

Dear Robert--

I am approaching the end of my life, a time you faced with great equanimity. You wrote:

Get correct views of life, and learn to see the world in its true light. It will enable you to live pleasantly, to do good, and, when summoned away, to leave without regret.

The uproarious comedy Glory.

And I'm trying to do just that General, but I saw a motion picture the other day with my son Steve that just troubled me. It's called The Bucket List, and it features one of my favorite actors, Jack Nicholson. It also features Morgan Freeman, who starred in one of my favorite films ever, Glory, which is about the unholy ass-whipping the Confederates handed to to the Union at Fort Wagner. What a testament to their skill and bravery that film is!

The Bucket List made me realize how many things I'd left undone in my life, so after waking Steve up--that boy sleeps 'till 11 every damn day!--I made him take dictation until I was done listing the things I'd like to do before I'm called home to the plantation to sit with Jesus on the old porch of the afterlife.

My list is as follows.

1. Get this japanese yakuza full-body tat of The Bear leading Arkansas to victory in the Civil War removed.

2. Take a steamer to the Dark Continent to hunt rhinos and lions in the Upper Volta.

3. Stop by the Belgian Congo. Visit my old friend Colonel Kurtz along the way.

3. Melt down union soldiers in civil war chess set. Have them recast as mincing fairy-soldiers in hot-pants running away from the men in gray.

4. I've never been active enough in politics, so: volunteer for Strom Thurmond's presidential campaign.

5. Drive to Pawling, New York and shake the hand of my spiritual mentor Norman Vincent Peale. I've got some good Catholic jokes I'm sure he'll like.

6. Charter my own bomber and help out in the war effort by dropping a few big ones on ol' Tojo himself. Also get Ann to stop wearing nylons to help our brave fighting boys over in Korea and Vietnam.

7. Go to a random local high school. Any one will do. Wait for their kicker to leave practice. When he walks through the parking lot, I will do what I have wanted to do for so many, many years: run him over with my car and then back over him until he is dead. God will understand.

8. Skydive! Into a vat of tasty, nutritious applesauce.

9. Take the head job at South Carolina, and then beat Tommy by fifty points every year until he's fired. Then I'll woo and marry his wife, and then have him thrown out into the street penniless, just to show him who's in charge, the whippersnapper!

10. Pay a personal visit to assist my close personal friend Fulgencio Batista and assist him in any way possible in his fight against the Reds.

11. Watch the sun rise over the Himalaya. And then take one of those long treks through 'em to try to get fattie Terry to drop some a that bacon anchor he's been toting around for two decades now.

12. Start attending Charlie Ward's Bible Study groups again. Those used to be so very lively!

13. Enjoy an in-flight meal served on a transatlantic zeppelin flight on British Airways. The dirigible has such a place in all of our futures!

14. Visit the Holy Land. I bet it's the happiest, most blessed place in all the world.

15. See the Great Wall of China, and copy its blueprints for implementation along our southern border. Try not to eat anything while I'm there, because it's all spicy dogmeat, from what I hear.

16. Put video camera in Dennis Erickson's house. Purchase every liquor store in the Tempe area. Close them all on a Friday and keep them closed for an entire weekend. Sit back with a nice glass of milk and watch the fun!

17. Sign up Steve Spurrier anonymously for the ASPCA's "spay and neuter" list to remind him that he is my bitch, and that I fixed him 5-8-1 in head to head competition.

Well, that's about all for tonight, Robert. It's almost dark, and I'm to bed. Say good night to Traveller for me,

-Bobby.

Tweet Comment 26 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

Outstanding.

by jebus on Jan 23, 2008 11:25 AM EST reply actions

18. Take Steve, Terry, Tommy and, especially, Jeffrey out to that ranch I heard about in Las Vegas. We haven’t had us a good boys’ weekend out since that time I took ’em to Cypress Gardens when I was thinking about leaving West Virginia.

by Acorns on Jan 23, 2008 11:31 AM EST reply actions

Almost died laughing on #10. I’m just picturing Bobby arriving in Cuba like the astronaut arriving back on earth at the end of Planet of the Apes (novel, not movie). Then I’m picturing him saying, “I’ll kill you all, you damn dirty Reds!” (movie, not novel).

by Dante on Jan 23, 2008 11:41 AM EST reply actions

mincing fairy-soldiers

I am gonna make my son rename his ‘new age band’ or I take away his car and wii

by Futbawl Fan on Jan 23, 2008 11:41 AM EST reply actions

“3. Melt down union soldiers in civil war chess set. Have them recast as mincing fairy-soldiers in hot-pants running away from the men in gray. "

Where do I buy civil war chess sets?

by lance harbor on Jan 23, 2008 11:42 AM EST reply actions

Of course he’s writing it to Robert E. Lee. Of course.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jan 23, 2008 12:03 PM EST reply actions

He can do Burkina Faso and Zaire in the same trip and save big bucks.
and
19. Visit my old pal T. Herman Zweibel at his magnificent estate.

by yoyofutbawl on Jan 23, 2008 12:10 PM EST reply actions

Mista Kurtz, he dead.

by NativeSon on Jan 23, 2008 12:20 PM EST reply actions

After the first 3 words of No. 2, I was extremely disappointed.

by Tater Salad on Jan 23, 2008 12:30 PM EST reply actions

I don’t know how I feel about #9 as I like Tommy, but I would also like to win an ACC title before I die, so…

At any rate, when you referenced a “mean Bobby Bowden piece” the other day, something told me it would have to do with the Bucket List. A bit too on the nose, no?

I really don’t get your fascination with Bobby being so pro-Confederacy, unless you are simply stating that he is so old that he went to high school with the author of THE “Definition of a Gentleman,” in which case that is funny in a your momma is so fat that when she sits around the house SHE REALLY SITS AROUND THE HOUSE sort of way.

Conversely, Bobby Bowden probably would have enjoyed our Conviviums.

Dieu et les Dames…

by Coop on Jan 23, 2008 12:53 PM EST reply actions

I had this whole thing written about how the word Nylons should be replaced with “silk stockings.” If she was wearing nylons then it would be all good, since they are a synthetic version of the aforementioned, used to make parachutes…but then I looked it up on wikipedia and found out most parachutes are made from Nylon these days. Well you won this round, Swindle, but I’ll get you some day!

by Brian on Jan 23, 2008 12:54 PM EST reply actions

Tater, I agree, I mean why on earth would you take a steamer on the dark continent. Does Bobby not have a retreat close by for such an occasion? Why go all the way to the Dark Continent (Europe right, stinking Euro’s, we saved their bacon from Hitler, and they still hate us)…. What? Take a steamer TO the dark continent, you say…. well, I guess you are right, perhaps I should read more than every other word.

What the hell does that mean anyway? I am still confused.

by skinnyphatman on Jan 23, 2008 12:56 PM EST reply actions

Oh, and #4 gets me excited between my legs.

Thank you.

by Coop on Jan 23, 2008 1:07 PM EST reply actions

#10, I don’t know if Bobby was pro-confederacy or not, but he is a Civil War aficionado. He’s also a fan of Nazi field marshals. Imagine that….

by Brian O'Blivion on Jan 23, 2008 1:10 PM EST reply actions

Noooooo!!!!
I live in Tempe, you can’t shut down the liquor stores on me!

by Mark D on Jan 23, 2008 1:16 PM EST reply actions

1. Get this japanese yakuza full-body tat of The Bear leading Arkansas to victory in the Civil War removed.

Excellent

by kt on Jan 23, 2008 1:17 PM EST reply actions

14 – Thanks for the link, Brian.

Although, I was under the impression that Alabama said no to Bowden, or chose Curry over Bowden, or something along those lines.

Maybe I was misinformed.

by Coop on Jan 23, 2008 1:24 PM EST reply actions

Bacon anchor.

That there’s funny.

by NRBQ on Jan 23, 2008 1:49 PM EST reply actions

Even Patton thought that Rommel was da bomb.

by yoyofutbawl on Jan 23, 2008 2:17 PM EST reply actions

Herr Urbanfuhrer Meyer is da master of propaganda.

by hunglikehussain on Jan 23, 2008 2:48 PM EST reply actions

Speaking of nazi’s, patton, and Rommel, who knew Hitler was a Cowboys fan?

www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2triiYXSY8

by skinnyphatman on Jan 23, 2008 2:49 PM EST reply actions

Do not mock General Lee.

by Tom on Jan 23, 2008 4:39 PM EST reply actions

The inconsistency confuses me. Most of them paint Bobby as out of touch, but he still manages to identify the good guys in all the references to the War Between the States.

by Chg on Jan 23, 2008 5:05 PM EST reply actions

23,
I could not have said it better myself.

by Tom on Jan 23, 2008 5:52 PM EST reply actions

Colonel Kurtz may be dead, but I swear I saw Lt. Col. Kilgore on the Tigris a couple of days ago, water skiing to Outkast’s “B.O.B”. He now works for Blackwater, btw.

by Southern Papa on Jan 25, 2008 1:55 AM EST reply actions