Mmmm….who doesn’t love the stink of assembled information resembling scandal? Not Brian, or us, for that matter.

Nothing to see here. Illustration courtesy of Holly.

The hottest in rumors from around the internets regarding recruiting! Who doesn’t love blind items!

–WHAT USC RECRUIT was wooed by Pete Carroll to USC by his promise of whole blood daily because he is actually A VAMPIRE???

–WHAT ACE RECRUITER was seen singing “Learn to Fly” on Rock Band at a recruit’s house and actually broke down in TEARS because his life at forty is a SHAMBLING WRECK OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN, making everyone present EXTREMELY UNCOMFORTABLE IN THE PROCESS?

–WHO WAS SEEN BUYING BEER FOR THE 13 YEAR OLD SISTER OF A RECRUIT in order to prove he was cool enough to still identify with the kids?

(Surprise! It’s Paterno!)

–WHAT UNIVERSITY will be investigated by the NCAA for recruiting violations after it was shown that boosters handed recruits McDonald’s gift certificates worth DOZENS OF DOLLARS during campus visits?

(Surprise! It’s Iowa State.)

–WHAT NOTED VIOLATOR OF TINY NCAA RECRUITING LAWS robbed an In ‘N Out burger with a five star recruit this weekend “just to share the pure, unadulterated thrill of quick cash taken by force” with his shocked young counterpart?

–WHAT FIVE STAR RECRUIT made a FAMOUS HEAD COACH pee sitting down in front of a rolling camera just to earn a soft verbal out from him?

–WHAT COACH violates major recruiting rules by water-skiing past recruits’ houses and waving…EVEN WHERE THERE IS NO WATER?!?!?!

–WHAT NOTORIOUS RECRUITER HAS HAD HIS FINGERPRINTS seared off surgically to prevent fingerprints from showing up on hundred-dollar bills shoved into recruits’ pockets?

–WHAT FIVE STAR RECRUIT is actually a BEAR IN MEN’S CLOTHING?

Straight cash, homey: Randy Moss, if you’ll recall, pulled off the unique feat of getting kicked out of Florida State. We will always maintain that the only way this can really happen to someone is if they pull out an RPG and shoot a nun in the face in broad daylight in the middle of campus.

This may have happened with Randy Moss. We can’t prove it, but trust us: it’s a matter of scientific fact that this is precisely how it went down, because that’s the only way someone that talented got booted out of Bowden’s 1990s football Camelot. (Warsaw rules, boy!) No matter what actually happened (weed, allegedly) Moss then went to Marshall, where pulled his socks up way, way high so you could watch him waste those foolish enough to try and defend him.

Moss demonstrated the true form he would follow for the remainder of his career: 96 catches, 1820 yards, and 26 TDs on the year, all while being quoted by SI saying that the 1970 Marshall plane crash killing the entire team “was a tragedy, but it really wasn’t nothing big.” Tactful? No. A decent person? Who the fuck knows. Not us. All we know is that he ran a 4.25 at FSU, meaning we’d suspect him of being a 4.45 guy in real life if he hadn’t already demonstrated the ability to blow by 4.4 corners in the NFL.

The first scoreboard update for the Fulmer Cup begins with classic material and new developments. First, the scoreboard, brought to you as always by Brian, who is hung like Reggie Fucking Nelson:

Classic: Georgia can’t drive. For three years now, we’ve been advocating the hiring of a motor vehicles supervisor for the University of Georgia Bulldogs, who never manage to do anything really heinous around town but rack up distorted Fulmer Cup scores thanks to their inability to drive legally or register a vehicle properly.

In this year’s model, one night featured two UGA classics in row. They happened sequentially, as if packaged for our convenient consumption:

University of Georgia police arrested cornerback Donavon Baldwin, 21, for improper driving and driving under the influence at 3:05 a.m. Sunday.

Fullback Fred Munzenmaier, 19, was arrested 34 minutes later by university police for underage possession of alcohol and being a pedestrian walking in the roadway.

We assess UGA four points in all for the two offenses: two for the DUI, one for the improper driving, and one for the underage possession/behavior risking becoming a human speed bump.

Washington State safety Xavier Hicks earns second-degree assault charges for soaking his teammate Grady Maxwell’s contact lenses in rubbing alcohol. Maxwell avoided any harm–he did not put on the lenses, and was presumably tipped off by Hicks suggesting repeatedly “Hey, why don’t you put in your contact lenses, hmmmm???–and is evidently pressing charges with ferocity. We would, too: the worst we ever did to any dorm mate was hanging a banner outside our friend Weo’s window announcing that he was both gay and proud. See, he wasn’t gay! That’s what made it FUNNY. “Hate crime.” Whatever.

WSU is awarded four points: three for the assault per Fulmer Cup statutes, and one bonus point for total dickheadedness by Hicks in this case.

And our new leader: Oklahoma State. Courtesy of tight end Brandon Pettigrew, who kept it real with a local police officer following a fight involving “10-15 people” in downtown Stillwater this past Sunday morning.

The 6-foot-6, 260-pound Pettigrew and others were told to disperse, but Pettigrew refused to leave, Metcalf said. With his elbow, Pettigrew allegedly struck an officer in the chest, Metcalf said.

At that size, he’s lucky he didn’t get tasered within an inch of incontinence by local law enforcement officials. For individual arrests involving people as big as Pettigrew, we’re fairly certain it’s well within the statues of most states to call in airstrikes on them if necessary. Pettigrew was charged with assault on a police officer and public intoxication, meaning a total of five points are assessed for the charges: three for assault, one for being drunk in pub-lick, and one bonus point for hitting a cop. Do we need to explain that hitting a cop is egregiously wrong and deserving of bonus points? No, we don’t.

There we go, Coach Gundy. Hit us with our own tirade. We can take it, being a man, though not forty.

Penn State is still noted on there for the refiled charges from last year because, frankly, we’re still on the fence here. Last year’s charges refiled for this year’s points just feels so cheap and reheated.

EDSBS has recruited a recruit of its own: John Birdwell, a 26 year old Australian Rules Footballer being recruited by USC, Miami, Boston College, Arizona State, and Tennessee. He’ll be posting here regularly throughout this process.

G’day, mates. We really don’t say that a whole lot in Australia, but I thought I’d make your comfortable because you’re almost as terrified of foreigners as Aussies.

First off, let me just say bravo to this top Aussie, who did us all on the flip side of the planet proud by being a man on air and saying what we’re all thinking: that sheila in the white shorts has a beautiful ass.

Good on ya, Roger Rasheed. It shits me that a single whining sheila would have a turd’s shit to say about this. Just look at her! She’s like some magical long-legged ass pony woman in hot pants. You’d be blind not to follow that down a dingo hole, friend.

So I’ve got to tell you that I’m bloody impressed with Pete Carroll. He’s the most inspirational man I’ve ever seen. Period. Just a hell of man. He just blew my fucking mind, he did.

First, when you get recruited at USC, they don’t just pull ya along in a limo or something. No, no–Pete likes to catch people by surprise. (more…)