FULMER CUP 2008: IT BEGINS APPROPRIATELY. NOW WITH THEME SONG!

Hopefully this doesn’t include TCOAN, otherwise no nookie for Orson tonight:

 Hitting Girls: 3 points. We’ll downgrade this to 2 if the girl can hold her weight and requires daily medication to prevent her from gouging her own eyes out (since those were the ones we always ended up dating, and we understand); or we’ll upgrade to 4 points if the damage includes intensive care. Dad always said never hit girls, so we take this one seriously. Dad also said always double down with split aces, too, but we’ll be damned if we didn’t end up selling bone marrow in Macau the last time we followed that bit of advice.

No, no. We said dating, not marrying.

Good save.

I think maybe we need a clarification about the rules of dropping points after said crimes are tried in court of appropriate juristiction. I remember last year there was significant point removals for some teams (PSU) when charges were dropped, but others who were acquitted after trial retained their original point count.

What is the proper way to account for such situations?

This nickname will be hard to top.

That’s the best theme song since Sanford and Son.

And here comes Missouri.
http://www.kansascity.com/167/story/440263.html

crimes committed with zest are my very favorite kinds of crimes.

If points are dropped before the end of the season, then they’re dropped; if they aren’t dropped before August 30th, 2008, then they stand. We can’t be retroactively accounting and reaccounting for points there.

(Covering ass, walks away.)

I think that points should only be deducted for an actual .acquittal. The 1-point violations get dismissed all the time because the DA doesn’t want to waste their time.

You mean, 19 year olds drink in State College, Ann Arbor, Madison, Austin, etc…? I’m Shocked, Shocked!

Orson is my all-time favorite Queen of Hearts.

ESS EEE SEE speed!

Meh, my horns’ll make a comeback this spring.

I’ve always disagreed with dropping FC points for dropped charges, on the grounds that it tends to reward athletic departments for developing too-close wink-wink, nod-nod relationships with the local DA and judiciary — exactly the type of program-wide effort that the Fulmer Cup ought to reward.

Triple Baconators, Frosties in the forecast.

Brian “Hung Like Major F’n Wright” just doesn’t have the same ring. I vote to keep his name as-is. Not that I really have a vote or anything.

Also, count me in with #10, #13, etc. who vote for no point deductions unless it’s an actual aquittal.

As much as we all hope this never really comes into play, shouldn’t the Rape or Murder of an actual human being require more than measly one and two point differentials, respectively, above Grand Larceny?

TigerinATL,

Well, what if she was really asking for it?

one of orson’s many theme songs

1. makes an excellent point. This would be a very good rule.

However, don’t trials take long enough that aquitals before Aug 30 are extremely unlikely?

Biggus,

I guess it’s a case by case basis. Also, this is one instance where a dropped charge should result in dropped PC points, as NOW and other such feminist organizations would sooner send a suicide bomber to the Spring game than to allow a legit rape victim to recant her story against a macho football player. In other words, if she dropps the charge, then she was lying in the first place.

Shouldn’t this one deserve a bonus point since they had a recruit with them?

Seeing as how the UT guys were caught with some recruits, some one will have to come up with a Rivals/Scout Fulmer Cup board for recruits as well. It’s really the next progression.

That’s showing a recruit what is expected of a Vol. What better way to carry on the UT tradition.

Re #21: Pursuing charges as a sexual assault victim historically has been a difficult and traumatic experience, and I suspect that pressure from outside organizations with whom an alleged victim may have had little or no contact pre-incident likely has little to do with those decisions.

(I also suspect that continued argumentation along the lines of post #21 on your part may cause TCOAN to feed you your own liver and, while I’d enjoy watching the carnage, you might not.)

#17-

The point of the Fulmer Cup, in my understanding, is to convey the depth of the team-wide effort, rather than individual incredibly heinous acts, unless they involve tasers and craigslist. That’s why the points for 5 underage possession = 1 murder, although it definitely doesn’t work that way in real life.

The liver regenerates. Trust me.

I think the ETJ3 Award should be like the Oscar they gave to the guy with no hands* in “The Best Years of Our Lives:” only given out on rare occasions, and not every year.

*this guy started at WR at UGA from 2000-03.

This is a logarithmic scale.

UT just took the lead. At least they weren’t selling crack.

1. - in real life, you serve more time for Grand Theft than Murdah.

I thought Louisville had already hit the scene, and Arkansas had a Fulmer Cup Scrimmage when McFadden was arrested but not charged.

Given the obsession everyone has with conferences strength these days, somewhere on the board there should be a running tally of how many points a given conference has (weighted for number of members or not, either way is fun).

Just like how there are words that get you the most points in scrabble, what would the most offensive single crime be?

Maybe this: Raping a Manatee and then killing it (something endangered so it counts like a murder) while all cracked out, and then getting into a fight with the officers before stealing a police cruiser and hitting a female pedestrian.

Yes, Louisville did get the first points.

SEC MEDIA BIAS!!!

25 – TigerBait said nothing wrong.

Unfortunately, some women have made false accusations, and those women are doing a tremendous disservice to women who have been assaulted in whatever context, as it is beyond difficult to come forward when they have truth on their side.

And there were certain groups, not feminist groups but other groups, who were dying to crucify the Duke Lax boys before the reality of the situation became evident to the entire world.

It happens.

1. - point taken. I’ll need my liver for the superbowl.

1. - Severity should be accurately accounted for. I mean wouldn’t a player committing a murder say a whole hell of a lot about how far a program has traversed past the land of 18-21 year old boys will be 18-21 year old boys and into the land of true thuggary. That should really put them out of reach with everyone else playing for second.

Homosexual sheep? Jesus!

Cowards Cup Recommendation Dept:

Like the Fulmer Cup.

To add to the fun, how about the COWARD’S CUP?

#34

The fight was back in December, and I would have to imagine that means the arrest was as well, therefore it was before the Fulmer Cup Season began.

http://www.whas11.com/news/local/stories/010808whasjdtopstorydonnel.22f61b3.html

Orson, what have you heard regarding Gary Barnett being hired by Texas as RB Coach/Running Game Coordinator?

I think UGA needs their own category for Scooter Crimes, unless that falls under the various misdemeanor column.

Although it’s much more amusing than any other misdemeanor. I hope Coach Richt has put in his “Scooter Awareness” training for those team member uninitiated with the zeal of Athens-Clarke County cops.

COWARD’S CUP CONTINUED DEPT:

Just saw some amazingly exciting NFL playoff games among eight (8) teams this weekend – >Go Patriots! How did Indy get beat by a bunch of West-Coasties? Romo-Yoko got whacked by the Jints! GreenBay-Seattle playing against the elements, cool stuff-pun intended)

The NFL is the King of Sports in the USofA, in part, because IT gets settled in the field.

I prefer college footbaw, though.

If college football had an 8 team playoff, it might jump from the number two to number one position.

The Cowards Cup would go to the types that prefer to continue to stick with the abomination that is the current bowl system.

Youuu can put it on the boooooooard YES!

The NFL is boring.

The only thing mildly amusing about it is Terry Bradshaw’s hair.

1. - the fight was in december, but the arrest itself was late January 7th…

I think we need a ruling…

As a follow up:
2006 Champ – SEC
2007 Champ – Big Ten

I’ll e-mail Orson the full results later

Still wouldn’t mind the Clarett Jug awarded to the player who fucks up the most post-early leave/dismissal from team.

doesn’t my failed piss test count? Afterall, i was coming back for the spring.

2 points for Florida!!!

Tiger in ATL-

“Also, this is one instance where a dropped charge should result in dropped PC points, as NOW and other such feminist organizations would sooner send a suicide bomber to the Spring game than to allow a legit rape victim to recant her story against a macho football player. In other words, if she dropps the charge, then she was lying in the first place.”

Yes, that is certainly the case. I highly doubt that things like death threatsM, public humiliation, the low conviction rate of athletes, and the public review of her sex life were considerations at all.

@41 also they need to hammer this bit of info to all the early spring enrollees: CLAYTON STREET IS ONE WAY CLAYTON STREET IS ONE WAY CLAYTON STREET IS ONE WAY

(Washington is too, but there’s a lot less reasons for any undergrad to go that way. Wild Wing hasn’t been the same since it got new ownership some 3-4 years ago, and the underage haven that was Uptown Lounge has been closed so long I’m dating myself.)

And unless things have changed drastically over there, they should be safe, as the most underage-catering Bourbon St is right near campus on a nice two-way street.

Fulmer Cup Special Circumstances Dept:

If a “playa” commits his acts of malfeasance at a nudie bar, he should get an extra point!

Yes, regular season NFL games are boring, but the playoffs are not.

IMO, an 8 team playoff in CFB would not deminisht he regular season excitement, since 9 wins out of 12 (0.750) games wouldn’t guranteeing a spot.

Tampa Bay made the NFL playoffs after posting a 0.563 record.

Boring Dept:

#44: The college footbaw bowl system is worse than boring, it is meaningless.

SKLM: I have to disagree with you. I’ll start paying attention to the NFL after the CFB season is done and they are running up to the playoffs. But not before. The only reason to watch late season games was to see if the Patriots would go undefeated and that was an unusual situation this year.

obviously, my grasp of the english language needs work.

Does UCLA hiring Neuheisal get bonus points,or rather penalty deductions?…. just because they are eventually run up the score in the future so far that it isnt even fair?…..Do you get bonus points for hitting someone with a sandwich?………are their Darwin bonus points for being too stupid?? Can we have a fantasy draft and see what happens? or do we go off of conference pride? There should be enough weeks to warrant a playoff—-I got dibs on Fla State…….any team with a coach older than Methusala gets 10 bonus points for staying alive in the off season and lookin the other way…..

The buzzword for this offseason is gonna be Steroids….NCAA will be following the Mitchell reports lead and testing playas, mainly caucasian, homeschooled Sophomore Heisman trophy winners at random….scandal to follow…..

OC Phil: I also skip almost all of the NFL season and start taking a peek towards the end of the season when the games have playoff implications, or when there are really good match ups. After a Saturday of all kinds of exciting games, Sunday’s NFL games are a huge letdown. But, I would rather watch an NFL game than 90% or so of the bowl games that mean nothing.

31, I think D-Mac’s situation should be the equivalent of the GMAC Bowl from last season’s Fulmer Cup.

After all, D-Mac is announcing today.

Tiger-

I don’t mean top imply that you’re an idiot, not at all. ON the surface, what you said made sense. It’s just that there’s a lot more that factors into the decision to press charges for most victims.

That said, false accusations certainly do happen, and I can’t imagine what it must be like to know that my life could be ruined or my kids taken from me by a vindictive ex or a mentally ill one-night stand. And as hard as it is for a woman to come forward after a sexual assault, it’s probably 100 times worse for a man.

It pretty much sucks for both genders. :(

… and with that said, enough with the heavy going. As an olive branch to the other commenters who tolerated that digression, I provide the following NSFW link:

Retro Lingerie

How about an award to recognize lifetime achievement or great displays of thuggery in the past. You could name it after the men who ran the two biggest outlaw programs of the 80’s. The Johnson-Switzer Hall of Fame Award has a nice ring to it.

As an Oregon State fan I feel there are some points of clarification that must be made with regards to THE GREATEST STORY EVER TOLD. First and foremost it should be remembered that there were multiple co-ed’s in the cab with Big Ben (2 or 3 depending on the report, the exact number is unknown as 3am DUI stops don’t lend themselves to precision.) So it is possible that the sheep would have come into play if the night turned towards romance, but I like to think he would have been at the end of the line.

And as to the sexual orientation of the sheep, the study was inconclusive. His affinity for show tunes and devotion to his mother prove nothing. And besides, he completely rejects your labels, your need to put everyone into a box. Maybe he just found the one person who ever really cared about him, the one person on this planet that finally made him really feel like he was alive. He fell in love with the soul, not the body. What happened that night, or might have happened if the stupid cops hadn’t shown up, was beautiful. And nothing you say can ever tarnish it.

#60
Your right on the money…..If I was a star athlete, for my hook ups, they would sign a waiver for release, noting that the premises are video taped and audio recorded much like Big Brother the tv show…..and any funny business is up to them…..and 5 million subscribers…
Imagine the uproar if someone tried to accuse Tim Tebow of anything improper, that would be a hard sell for any plantiff,attorney, because the Strong Arm of Justice wouldnt put himself in that predicament…..but the Lifetime Movie(NCAA) version would have him as a sociapathic wife beatin, hard drinkin,methodical serial killer maniac, out of control when the cameras were off……

I think I prefer the homicidal Lifetime version of Tebow. That’s a lot more interesting than a somewhat goofy nice guy.

Also, I like to pronouce Lingerie,
LING-ERR-REE….as in “I am sorry Pam Anderson, you left your Sessy Ling-err-ree in the shower again..”

I don’t mean top imply that you’re an idiot, not at all.

I can’t tell. Is that sarcasm or not? ;-)

Retro Lingerie? Dept:

Had no idea that there was stuff like that being sold. Pretty good stuff, as long as a retro-babe in her 50’s is modeling that stuff.

Re: retro lingerie: Who wouldn’t be in favor of bullet bras and crotchless old school scanties?

I like my lingerie models to be of the Victoria’s Secret variety. You know, unattainable.

Sigh…

I am a Frederick’s man myself.

Fitting that Tennessee scores first in the “Fulmer Cup”. That SEC speed shows up again…..

Unfortunately, due to my work filter, no YouTubes and nothing with the words “lingerie”…..I’m guessing blindly that the “NSFW” tag implies instead to
“Now Somewhat Fat Women”

Wow, titillation from crotchety TCOAN.

TITillation/CROTCHety.

Man, I need to get a life.

Who would be the CFB equivalent of Charles Shackleford, I wonder?

TCOAN: I’ve had totally false sexual harassment charges filed against me and it sucks as much as you imagine. I still feel burned several years after the fact.
Luckily the woman who made the charges was an obvious whacko who proceeded to also make charges against both my boss (the dean of sciences, a female) and the dean of student affiars when they didn’t give her what she wanted. I was really glad I’d never had a one on one conversation with this woman outside the classroom.

It helped me that she shotgunned every charge she could think of, including accusing me of racism, which was interesting since she was white and born in the USA. But it was the sexual harassment charges, clearly bogus as they were, that got the machinery moving in high gear. People who make false charges deserve some medieval punishment in my opinion.

ok fess up, who DID’NT click on the crotchless panties to get a, ahem…better look?

I think anyone who makes fales accusations should be swiftly employed by the State DMV and put in an office with no windows or doors, only booth with a phone that rings constantly , where people actually come up to them whist they are on the phone in the midst of answering really dumb questions and the walk up people ask an even more insane question, and have to answer that one too…….and make sure this goes on for 12 hours a day, the minimum quota for them to answer is 500 calls….that would be a fate worse than hell…..with no lunch……Trying that for 30 days , they would think twice before trying that BS again

oh, and make sure all the calls were about Sexual Harrasment and how it pertains to the operation of a motor vehicle…..

#50

Uptown Lounge was the bomb. Am I dating myself by asking if you remember Mean Mike’s or The Armadillo? I’m sure City Bar is still there…

Washington Street is where you get process by ACC cops if arrested downtown, so yeah, we want footballers to definitely stay away from Washington.

…I’m a Taco Stand man, myself…

If you want to avoid dating yourself, you should probably avoid using the phrase “the bomb”. “Choice” would have made you seem even older, in an 80’s geek sort of way.

50&80

Whippersnappers, thats right, Whippersnappers!
I recall the Dawghouse, with metal folding chairs and Wednesday ladies night. A Broad street legend that is now a parking lot.

How bout Between the Hedges under Allen’s in Normaltown!
Good local poon.

The Frog Pond anyone? Located in the Holiday Inn?

1. Mr. PP – You mean like Eddie Griffin stories?

What happens when Joe Paterno picks up a cheerleader like a bowling ball? Four points, you say?

Nice to see UT out to an early lead, great way to make a positive impression on the recruits and their family.

I have faith that PSU will again be in the running, lots of free time in the off season to get your central PA gansta on.

I predict multiple fights, underage drinking, DUI, and atleast 1 rape charge.

I thought Florida State wrapped this up already with the cheating scandal?

And does Purdue get a couple of points for Selwyn Lymon’s DUI even though it got him kicked off the team? Bonus points for the fact he pissed himself.

I don’t think they were arrested, only cited.

So I don’t see this qualifying for Fulmer Cup points

#82

The Frog Pond at the Holiday Inn? Was that Sky’s place?

That big, magnificent, gay bastard.