THE SUBCOMMANDANTE REPORTS FROM THE QUARTER

by Orson on Jan 7, 2008 2:37 PM EST

Wassup bitchez! It's been a bitches' age since I've been around, but watching the Columbian Republic of Uzubuckistan kick ass like some kind of beast that craves only the sweet dick-hardening taste of asskick makes a man busier than Jim Tressel in a pussy shop, dude. (And Jimmy T would totally wreck a pussy shop, even though I don't even know what that is. He wears a sweatervest to insulate the world from his mansomeness.)

Anyway, so I'm totally broke and crashed out at Mom's place for the game....NOT! Suck it world, because four months of hard white-collar work at Kinko's got Wayne enough scratch to fuel up the Grand Am, put a new "FEAR THE NUT" sticker on the back, and hit the highway like a bandito for Old New Orleans. My boy Ted's got a room there at at the Canal Hotel, which is awesome because it's right by the interstate, which is totally where you want to be except for the homeless people in a tent city beneath the overpass and that black dude who twitches a lot and stands on the corner. Once you turn on the television, you can't hear the sirens or the trucks on the interstate at all.

(Who knows how Mom's getting to work. Maybe that fat bitch Liz can take her so they can smoke and bitch about mom's lousy boyfriend Al. He works at a gun shop, which should be cool, right? But the fucker won't let me even shoot one off behind the store, and he's also into figurines, which we all know means he's a complete pole-smoker trying to get in on mom's sweet pension. And if there's one hombre who's getting in on that shit, it's me, man, and not Mr. Figurine Assassin or whatever.)

So after driving across some states (Tennessee? Who the fuck knew you had to drive through Tennessee to get down here? Seriously: WHAT. THE. FUCK.) that don't matter and whose football teams all blow goats Wayne pulled up at Ted's, who said I could sleep on the floor for thirty bucks a night. Normally Wayne would say piss off and just stay in the old Grand Am Inn, but there's tons of fucking homeless people, and they didn't seem like the really innocent prophet-type homeless guys black actors are always playin' in movies man. These guys looked like they'd stab me for my Boeckman jersey, which I kind of understand. It's an awesome jersey.

And being flush with my Kinko's loot, I just gave him ninety bucks right there. It was so baller I almost passed out on the farts of my coolness. Ted was stunned, but that's the new Wayne. I'm like a white Mannie Fresh.

Sorry for the local lingo. Being in the Nolia just makes you funkier. I'm so over Nickelback--it's like I was a different person back then, man: angry, hatin' and blamin' everyone else for everything. No more, man. Straight dirty hip-hop from now on for old Wayne. I'm so dirty but yet still shiny--that's the new Wayne, wodi. Mom will fucking flip when she sees the gold tooth, but whatever--they're like fifty bucks on Canal Street and I look so tight with it she can't deny when she sees it. Her boy bout to go real big.

So here's what Wayne's learned in his time in New Orleans:

1. Ohio State fans are so totally awesome. Seriously a girl gave me the show of a life last night. She dropped her top and unveiled two, like, old fifties-style torpedo boobs. I mean, there were four to five hundred people in the street, but that shit was just for me. I was shinin' too hard not to get some free titties. And those are the only kind the Subcommandante's getting, because I don't pay for no sex.

2. If some dude comes up and bets you ten dollars that he bets you know where you got your shoes, man, DON'T DO IT. Because he's gonna say, "On Bourbon Street," and you're gonna be like "yeah, that's like a whole totally different meaning of the word 'on'," and then it all ends with you and and smartass homeless dude pissing your pants when the cops come over on their war-horses with their billy clubs. I mean, he pissed his pants. Not me.

3. Ohio State is totally going to own this game. It's not even close. The signs are everywhere. Ohio State fans are everywhere. You know what kinds of beans they serve here? Not purple beans, but red beans. I don't even know if purple beans exist, but I bet if you did they'd be some kind of gay beans that sprouted total and absolute busted gayness in a Mardi Gras hat. If I wanted to wear beads and feather boas, I'd just go chow down at the Gloryhole Diner on a manwurst sandwich, no bun.

Like you can crack a Buckeye, bitches. Re-kuh-nize!

4. I own this town. It's like I'm the Pope of Crack. I walk down the street and people always want me to eat in their restaurants, their clubs. They'll even like grab me and say, "Hey, man, this is the joint here," or "We have breakfast specials." Now Wayne likes his eggs and bacon as much as the next straight, America-loving dude, but my sudden popularity means I have to be careful. Plus you can eat and Krystal and use their wireless as long as you want, which allowed me to join in at 2 a.m. last night in my clan's latest crusade in WoW. I pwned, but you knew that.

5. Ol' Wayne's looking like he's in need of a place to stay, because Ted says he's got chicks coming in and needs me to move. Which is some busted-up shit, but whatever. I'm like Little Wayne. When my check from FEMA comes, I buy some co-ka-ee-na and make things happen. If you have somewhere for me--seriously, twitchy guy is scaring the shit out of me every time I leave the hotel--hit me up and ballingassmage@aol.com. Your boy will give you at least thirty bucks to let him sleep on your couch.

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Comments

Been waiting for this report. But Haley Lafontaine still says Wayne sucks.

by DevilGrad on Jan 7, 2008 2:48 PM EST reply actions

long live “old fifties-style torpedo boobs”!

by ebj on Jan 7, 2008 2:49 PM EST reply actions

I tried to alter the lyrics to “Go DJ” to apply to Subcommandante Wayne and/or the tOSU faithful, but it was just too daunting of task. Buckeyes are in no way congruent to the best rapper alive.

by Domer Guy on Jan 7, 2008 2:57 PM EST reply actions

Orson, after seeing Ohio women up close I understand the subcomandante’s righteous anger.

by Billy From Baton Rouge on Jan 7, 2008 3:00 PM EST reply actions

Damn, Wayne’s appearance before last year’s game didn’t bode well for us……………..and here he is again. As entertaining and wordly that Wayne is, I just get an uneasy feeling when he’s around. No offense Wayne, the new and improved you goes up to 11 and that’s cool.

by justanotherbuckye on Jan 7, 2008 3:06 PM EST reply actions

“the new and improved you goes up to 11”

And yet a little still goes a very long way. Must be the Hai Karate.

by Kenny on Jan 7, 2008 3:10 PM EST reply actions

What the fuck’s up with the server? Did you feed it a Lucky Dog?

by Allahver Fist on Jan 7, 2008 3:15 PM EST reply actions

Is the Subcommandante related to Jim Anchower?

by yoyofutbawl on Jan 7, 2008 3:16 PM EST reply actions

Wayne IS Jim Anchower.

by Orson Swindle on Jan 7, 2008 3:23 PM EST reply actions

If Wayne’s on your couch, can you still stack your flow?

(whatever that means)

by NRBQ on Jan 7, 2008 3:25 PM EST reply actions

Kenny: Hai Karate? No way, Wayne wears “Sex Panther” or nothing at all.

by oc phil on Jan 7, 2008 3:28 PM EST reply actions

If OSU wins can we get Wayne to interview the ugly people with the Chinese hats?

by db on Jan 7, 2008 3:29 PM EST reply actions

i unfortunately have barbri bar review class tonight from 6-10 so i’ll miss the first half of the mnc game. well, at least the first 2 hours of the broadcast. a little contracts lecture, and then BAM i’m at the bar like a jumper from the eponymous movie!

by Cameron Siggs on Jan 7, 2008 3:30 PM EST reply actions

Cameron it is your duty as a fan to skip Barbri to watch the MNC game. The Bar will understand.

by JoesDeliGatorTail on Jan 7, 2008 4:05 PM EST reply actions

Have these professors no soul? You ought to sue them for inconvience….

by Mr Pelican Pants on Jan 7, 2008 4:15 PM EST reply actions

brilliance.

by fresh on Jan 7, 2008 4:17 PM EST reply actions

Cameron – skip Bar Bri. Go to the morning contracts lecture you missed. It’s probably a couple of weeks from now.

by Tricky Dick on Jan 7, 2008 4:26 PM EST reply actions

I was getting nervous. I really was. Thank God the Subcommandante showed up.

TOSU RULZ BITCHESS1

by Odell 51 on Jan 7, 2008 4:28 PM EST reply actions

Working at Kinko’s or slumming it in Nola…Wayne grabs life by the fucking balls and just will not let go. Or is it the other way around?

Love the giant nutcracker, but I worry that it will ultimately be rammed down Wayne’s throat by a very drunk and angry black guy who claims to be Archie Griffin.

by J.J. on Jan 7, 2008 4:37 PM EST reply actions

we have reason to believe that the subcomandante is holding orson hostage somewhere in new orleans.

by kleph on Jan 7, 2008 4:46 PM EST reply actions

So we have “Nimitz-class” torpedo boobs for the OSU side, what naval classification do LSU tits fall under?

by Montague on Jan 7, 2008 5:17 PM EST reply actions

Is SubComandante Wayne Annapolis Doug’s never do well cousin?

by Harvey Wireman on Jan 7, 2008 5:40 PM EST reply actions

Seriously, Cameron — It’s BarBri, not the bar! That’s not even until February, is it? When I took BarBri (8-1/2 years ago already???), you could check out cassettes of past lectures you missed (or go to the evening/morning class as a make-up). I wouldn’t be surprised if you can get an MP3 file of the lecture these days. Hey, is Charlie Whitebread still a BarBri lecturer? I really liked that guy, even if I didn’t like Crim Law that much.

by Big Ten Joe on Jan 7, 2008 5:45 PM EST reply actions

I knew he’d show up!

- Someone from Baton Rouge calling out ANYONE’S women? I admire your chutzpa!

by OhioDawg on Jan 7, 2008 5:47 PM EST reply actions

23:

Mr. Whitebread is indeed still a BarBri lecturer. That was one of the only ones that actually kept my interest.

And Cameron, it’s just contracts! Make it up, check out the lecture or just fill in the blanks. Seriously, you’ll be fine.

by Tater Salad on Jan 7, 2008 6:03 PM EST reply actions

Orson, after seeing Ohio women up close I understand the subcomandantes righteous anger.

They have women? who knew?

I certainly didn’t get the memo. I always thought they where just into…nuts…

by I R A Darth Aggie on Jan 7, 2008 6:18 PM EST reply actions

Charlie Whitebread loves beastiality. He wasn’t featured in IL’s review, but I remember watching a review from a previous year while preparing for my 1L torts exam and he ranted and raved about the love between man and beast. Then again, he’s a Southern Cal guy, so . . .

And since when did EDSBS become a forum for lawyers, as opposed to lawyas? I demand less bar talk and more Subcommandante Wayne, hoopties, and boobtalk.

by Domer Guy on Jan 7, 2008 6:40 PM EST reply actions

oKay. My wife and I are heading out. Here goes nothing! Let’s see how the nuts hold out against the Tigers. It may be another Siegfried and Roy (Damn guys had to be making the Tigers watch)

by LSU Harleyman on Jan 7, 2008 6:44 PM EST reply actions

Annapolis Doug:

I need a prediction.

by PW on Jan 7, 2008 7:00 PM EST reply actions

I always come on line right when you ask that…

Ohio State 26 LSU 24

by Annapolis Doug on Jan 7, 2008 7:39 PM EST reply actions

& 15. Don’t blame the prof. I didn’t look at the calendar when I agreed to pick up an extra night class. There’s no way I can get away with missing the first night of the semester (actually a January mini-semester) so I’m going to have to miss watching my alma matter play in the championship game (at least in real time, thank goodness for Tivo).

by oc phil on Jan 7, 2008 8:18 PM EST reply actions

Well, dang. Then again, OSU peaked early last year.

by Mike on Jan 7, 2008 8:27 PM EST reply actions

Any one of you would be lawyers/lawyas who misses the championship game for anything to do with law school or the BarfrigginBri will so not get an offer from my firm. Word.

by J Hawg on Jan 7, 2008 10:00 PM EST reply actions

I am shitting the bed as we speak.

by OSU on Jan 7, 2008 10:45 PM EST reply actions

Fuck. Watching this game made me think about what Georgia could have done against either of these teams. Also, The Mother Fucking Number One Ohio State University has a QB/OL deficiency that killed them.

by Biggus Rickus on Jan 7, 2008 11:46 PM EST reply actions

Ohio State sucks and you’re story was lame…faggot!

by Cope on Jan 8, 2008 9:43 AM EST reply actions

Hey Orson, get the site fixed, will ya? Black text on dark blue background is giving me a fucking headache! Never mind I missed the damn game (stupid Northland Cable)

by the croominator on Jan 8, 2008 9:54 AM EST reply actions