Comfortable with his body, and good for him for that.

Not that we’re particularly affectionate towards any bowl game more than others, but something about the Orange Bowl leaves us a bit limp in the trousers. Kansas and Virginia Tech don’t have any real animosity towards each other, no great historical rivalry to spice the matchup up a bit, and each side features zero players of not to make the casual observers’ eyeballs pop a bit when you scan the roster.

(BUT BUT BUT!!! Yes, Todd Reesing is good (short) and talented (short), and Virginia Tech’s defense features a guy named Macho. We know. Compare it with last night’s Oklahoma/WVU game, and the wattage doesn’t even come close, though. The day we get excited about Sean Glennon is the day we get really excited about Steve-O, since we have a sneaking suspicion they’re actually th the same person. If you see Glennon snorting Wasabi pregame, just nod in our direction like we’re a pimp of precognition.)

The one thing you can count on in the Orange Bowl (besides learning that neither of these teams will be able to run the ball on the other) is the halftime show. Lately they’ve been leaning on the Kelly Clarksons and Ashlee Simpsons of the world, a shame even if the Orange Bowl crowd booed her so loudly you could hear it on the live mikes. They put a tremendous amount of effort into it, which every average consumer of halftime entertainment shows their appreciation for by getting up and urinating before purchasing a beverage and sitting back down just in time to watch the cleanup.

This year’s entertainment? ZZ Top.

Miami, Fla. (www.orangebowl.org) - Revered worldwide as “That Little Ol’ Band from Texas,” ZZ Top will be the major attraction during the renowned halftime of the 2008 FedEx Orange Bowl on January 3 at Dolphin Stadium. The “Tres Hombres” – Billy F Gibbons, Dusty Hill and Frank Beard (ironically the beardless member of the group) – collectively known as ZZ Top, have been signed to star in the famed Orange Bowl Halftime Show, one of the most entertaining and prestigious halftimes in all college football.

Personally, we’d rather watch the iguanas rain from the palm trees than watch ZZ Top two-step their way through “La Grange” in front of a half-empty stadium. In fact, we wish they’d just to back to the days where you had to bollocks up some sort of Vegasy fantasia complete with a theme, rhinestones, and magic tricks that went horribly wrong, leaving only silence and the lonely wail of a hot dog vendor to break the tension.

That Harry Blackstone! We bet he rolled in trim. Women were easier and more easily confused back then. If you don’t believe us, consider that women believed George Michael was straight and went to the trouble of sleeping with him to prove it. Card tricks would have had women wearing nothing but Jean Nate in seconds, man, especially with a ’stache like that.

Leave your observations below, and enjoy the magic!

Terry Bowden, shot down multiple times by SMU officials?

Pro-Kansas ad: waves of grain in the background. Swelling Aaron Copland chords.

What is the problem with Kansas? Nothing at all, we think.

Kansas learned about hard work the hard way in his upbringing in the heartland, struggling from the bottom of the Big 12 all the way up to Harvard Law. Kansas, while possessing the sixth-ranked rushing defense in the nation, became the youngest attorney general in the history of the state, a position he used to punish BAD PEOPLE like drug dealers, pedophiles, and opposing quarterbacks, thus making his state SAFER for good, family-values quarterbacks like Todd Reesing.

Kansas believes in protecting its borders, which explains why Todd Reesing has suffered only a modest 20 sacks this year and thus protected his handsome golden locks. Kansas also believes in controlling its own destiny, forcefully imposing their vision of football freedom on opponents with fullback in tailback’s clothes Brandon McAnderson, and protect the health of their second ranked national scoring offense with a superb linebacking corps on defense and All Big 12 James McClinton on the defensive line.

Kansas : SAFER NOT LIKE TERRORISTS OR THE GAYS AND EVOLUTION. Or worse still, A HALF-FISH, HALF GAY MUSLIM CRAWLING FROM THE WATER WITH A UNIVERSAL HEALTH CARE IN HIS HAND AND WEARING DYNAMITE.

Instead of asking what’s wrong with 11-1 Kansas…maybe you should be asking yourself…what’s Virginia Tech hiding behind, HMMMMM? They can’t protect themselves against Tigers–what would they do against Osama Bin Laden, hmmmmm?

Vote SAFER. Vote Kansas.

[END]

Loves Freedom, Babies, Free Markets, and Velour Track Suits: Kansas.

Tonight’s Orange Bowl does bring with it good news: Robot Jebus loves you! He watches and sees all you do, and prevents you from treading into the dreaded Robot Hell-worthy behavior.

Also, Thom Brennaman won’t be calling the game with Charles Davis. Awake (novel idea) announcers Barry Alvarez, Daryl Johnston, and Kenny Albert will be calling the game from Miami. This spares you the monotone eroticism of Brennaman, but does mean you’ll have to look at Barry Alvarez’s ties, which can blind from a distance of three miles.

Barry Alvarez addresses the United Nations with his tie.

Virginia Tech standout Vince Hall may miss the Orange Bowl thanks to one of Florida’s greatest nuisances outside of lovebugs, sandspurs, and those pesky hotel rapists all over the place: jetskis.

Some innocent horseplay on a personal watercraft in the Atlantic Ocean could result in Virginia Tech being without standout senior linebacker Vince Hall in Thursday night’s Orange Bowl.

That’s according to the Roanoke Times, who list Hall as “questionable for the game against Kansas tonight. There’s nothing funny about jet-skis: they’re loud, horrible creations that light beer-fueled yahoos run into the side of boats all the time while flashing the shocker to their friends on shore. (RUMSFELD!) There’s also nothing funny about Virginia Tech losing Hall for the game due to a stupid injury, especially with midget manipulator Todd Reesing given a tiny weakness to work with in the Tech D.

At least this didn’t happen to Hall on a jet-ski:

See? YOU CAN’T EVEN OUTRUN A MEGALODON WITH A JET-SKI. This is why lifeguards need their own rocket launchers, along with all the terrorists and killer sharks, that is.

Emotion wins at West Virginia: Bill Stewart will be the next head coach for the Mountaineers.

In the meantime, Mr2Cents catches Bob Stoops in a moment of thought pregame last night.

He droppped off his tape expecting nothing, not a scholarship offer or even attention. He walked on and finished as the starting fullback. He once bent three masks in a game against Maryland. He hang cleans 520 pounds. He wears a mohawk. He blocks like Hellboy tackling a demon from another dimension. He rugby punts for his team occasionally, and when he botched a kick against Louisville earlier this season he banged his own helmet against his forehead in frustration.

And last night, after lighting the powder keg for the Mountaineers, Owen Schmitt broke down and cried when Oompa-Loompa/sideline reporter Laura Okmin asked him how he felt about the game. Schmitt, bloody and mohawked, got about halfway through his answer before he wept. Okmin kept pestering him and nearly ruined the moment….nearly. This moment was as bulletproof and armored as Schmitt’s adamantine forehead.

Owen Schmitt, we love you and the double-steel reinforced skullhammer known as your head. We watch college football through a miasma of cynicism and snark, but some things burn those clouds off and expose college football for what it can be: mute, teary glory. Thank you for the sunshine and bent face-masks, Owen. We hope you get all the red meat, boobs, and cash you can handle out of this life.