The random things we can’t quite put anywhere else always get put into the stew of the Grotto. This is the New Year’s Day edition, performed without the assistance of a 4′8″ personal assistant or pet unicorn.

Suck it, Tedford!

Of course Pete Carroll has his own little person. This conversation happened last night between Cuddles Swindle and ourselves:

OS: Pete Carroll’s is Owen Wilson from “Meet The Parents.” He built a gazebo just for this occasion.

Cuddles: You walk in and there’s two girls getting it in the corner, and he’s like “Never mind them, they do this all the time.”

OS: He’ll be right with you as soon as he finishes brushing down his unicorn and hanging out with Scarlett Johannson, who despite being a platonic friend still craves the warmth of his soul.

Cuddles: He’s not human.

Nothing will surprise us about Pete Carroll. Nothing. Not a miniature personal assistant, not a unicorn, not finding out that he’s on the phone with Terelle Pryor trying to snake him away from Michigan and succeeding while putting the finishing touches on his part of Project 2050. Nothing.

Mike Patrick had a very, very bad Capital One Bowl, presumably distracted by the excitement of Jamie Lynn Spears’ pregnancy and the video recaps of Todd Blackledge’s “Todd on the Town” or whatever the hell it’s called. We know you’ve gained ten pounds this season because you’ve been mooing on about it like a sorority girl over winter break (Sweatshirts, Mike! They’re magical!), but that wasn’t an reverse, Mike–it was an end around. And the coverages, and the routes, and sometimes even the basic facts of the game escaped him. He may be blameless: the glare of Florida’s blazing secondary was bright enough to obscure what was actually happening on the field, so luminous was the fire.

We also don’t care what Todd Blackledge eats as long as it’s food. Next season, test Todd by having him eat non-food objects, and we’ll get excited. Thumbtacks with pepper gravy! Mmmm, Mike, that’s some eating. A whole pipe wrench covered in batter! Your broadcast partner, or even Holly Rowe! Long pig never made for such great entertainment, but the food of the gods would certainly double the ratings on our end, Todd. And if Blackledge can eat a West Virginia pepperoni roll without his flatulence stripping the skin off Mike Patrick in the booth, a whole wrench would be tapioca for that gastrointestinal highway.

When I was a little girl, I asked my mother……if I would play a commercial that somehow managed to show a bunch of computers getting a wrecking ball that somehow missed being cool, but managed to annoy the devil’s bees out of me over a ten hour day of watching football? And she said yes, it would happen, and it would suck and feature an iMac knockoff, and it would be played all day on January 1st, 2008. But mother, will it not feature a right-click button and require three restarts a day?

Colt Brennan, if still alive today, should read his own blog for the funniest blog comment of the day anywhere, posted by Don Ho from hell.

DON HO // January 1, 2008 at 8:09 pm

Mele Kalikimaka, thanks ALOT for that performance 41-10!!! I just got kicked out out of heaven for that performance! I don’t even like football!!!! Owwww It’s hot down here!!!! Everybody hates The Hukilau and Tiny Bubbles THANKS A LOT COLT

Decimation would be a gentle word for what happened to Hawaii, since decimation involves killing every tenth man in a regiment, not every single one of them. A Junior Rosegreen moment happened in the first half when Jason Rivers got noct da fuk owt on a pass play and hit the turf facefirst with both arms at his side, taking a convincingly dead-looking nap in the middle of the game courtesy of one of the eleven whirling dervishes on UGA’s defense. Rivers returned and finished the game, something Brennan didn’t do. The hit he took from Marcus Howard explains why:

We’re not kidding about the “every position killing every position” thing, either. Even the punter got chippy with flowzy-haired warriors:

If Rich Rodriguez did not contribute to the game plan at least a teensy-bit for Michigan, we’ll start Jaques Rickerson at every position on our NCAA 2007 Florida team online. (In case you don’t get this, just replay the game from yesterday every time, and you’ll get the idea.) Michigan showed formations, plays, and routes they hadn’t displayed all season, along with shocking aggression on offense that was distinctly un-Debordish. Throw in the d-line’s collection of fuck lions with the shocking aggression tag–they were horrifying, and gave Tebow no time to pull the one-man play-action bit or scramble around to buy time for receivers.

Arkansas sucked the deep, cholera-tainted suck of the ancients yesterday. That’s analysis right thurr, but that’s all the shitty performance Arkansas turned in against Missouri deserved. Viewers had to resort to making Pat Summerall jokes–”Reboot his life support system!”–in order to put some verve and interest into a game where Missouri, after a year of being a pass-first, five wide team, just decided to crack out a 300 yard rushing day. You know, for funzies. Bowl teams under interim coaching aren’t supposed to give five solid turdlets about the game, and Arkansas lived up to that nostrum to the letter. (Unlike Michigan, say, who appeared to have boundless concern about the game.)

Erik Ainge, good night, sweet prince. He was still doing the things wrong he’s always done: throwing off his back foot, getting deer/headlights looks more often than you like, fumbling just because he was…um…bored? Spastic? Had a blinking red Arby’s hat over his head? And yet it all worked against Wisconsin: 25/43, 365 yards, 2 TDs, and no real sustained appearances of Bad Erik. Tyler Donovan, in the meantime, suffered the second worst personal beating of the day as Tennessee attempted to separate his head from his body.

Eric Berry, please transfer to Florida. I, Orson Swindle/Spencer Hall, will pay you at least forty dollars to do this. This is against NCAA regulations, and I do not care. Our secondary blows goats and cannot defend a post pattern. O but Chad Henne threw a perfect pass blah blah blah yes he threw one. He should not have been allowed to throw three of them for TDs. Someone should have been there to concuss a motherfucker, and last year, Reggie Nelson would have.

Hey! Bonerama!