This here’s the night shift, motherfuckers, so stand up to avoid blood clots and join us for the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans. There’s no way Georgia won’t win this game! Their inevitability is biblical fact! Like Archduke Franz Ferdinand, no man can stop them! Not even Fran Tarkenton’s power mullet!

8:33: No anthem will equal the glory of the Banner as performed by a band called Bonerama. New Orleans, you lead into life dick-first.

8:43: Hawaii gets an instant advantage as the rainbow flags on the sideline will keep Georgia from putting their hands directly on Hawaii players, since that would be gay and gay catches like the influenza and the AIDS.

8:57: That’s the coolest fucking catch interference penalty we’ve ever seen. Did we say cool? We meant dirty. No, we meant totally fucking awesome.

9:03: Dennis Haysbert, we will drive however the fuck we want. We glom this attitude directly from Georgia’s rushing defense, who is driving however the fuck they want through Hawaii’s defense. A gimp-ankled Knowshon Moreno just scored a TD. Boy, this is gonna be a colonoscopy of a game.

9:12: From our attorney, concerning FOX’s overhead cam:

that skycam looks like Number 5 from Short Circuit
I wonder if Steve Gutenburg is running it

It has more personality than Thom Brennaman. That’s for sure.

9:37: Everything about this game sucks, unless you’re a Georgia fan: zero time for Brennan to throw, zero champizzle left in the fridge, zero hope that Georgia won’t just run the little Soulja-boy dancing turbobastard Knowshon Moreno when and wherever they please, and zero interest from the announcers, since Thom Brennaman is announcing the game with the verve and enthusiasm of a sedated zombie.

9:59: And Colt Brennan throws his first pick, and Hawaii is limpdicked and sinking, and this game never should have happened. To make things worse, Thom Brennaman isn’t even registering as someone speaking English anymore: his vocal cords thrum dully on, attempting to convey some information we can’t perceive through the thick fart-cloud of his narration. They mention that UGA gets his own crypt in Sanford Stadium, and he says “Let’s hope that’s a long way off.” Why did you even say this, Thom? What the fuck does this perform besides establishing that you are capable of the least in humane courtesy? Amuse us and say, “I bet that dog would eat the dead body of its owner, but only after a few days. It would definitely wait a few days.”

10:13: And just as Hawaii pulls off one good play, Jason Rivers gets to talk to his ancestors for a few minutes has he’s blasted from hell to breakfast by a Georgia defender. Georgia will make sure you get the picture by burning a picture of Queen Liliuokalani and giving the bagpipe to their collected girlfriends on the sidelines. WE GET IT YOU’RE BETTER PLEASE DON’T HURT THE MAGICAL FAIRIES OF HAWAII.

11:02: June Jones says Brennan’s had things open, but can’t hasn’t had the protection to see them. This means Hawaii’s done, done, done, and that Thom Brennaman’s somnambulent announcing, bad for baseball, will get even worse as Georgia’s defense tries to put the real spicy concussions on the Hawaii qb. If you see another post after this, be shocked, since this sucks like no one’s business and can’t possibly get any better.

(And of course Pete Carroll has his own little person. He speaks horse and can tell you have a fever just from the way your right eye looks a bit milky. He’s Pete Carroll, imbued with powers you cannot understand.)

We’re going to bed, and if you want to send a message to Fox, you should too. When Animals Attack is fine when it’s huge animals almost eating people; watching Georgia really try to kill Colt Brennan is just sick.

Only fitting that in Opposite Year (as opposed to Opposite Day), that Lloyd Carr and Michigan would slip the shackles of malicious fate and win a game they were not, by any measure of word, expected to win. Michigan embodied the twisted braid of 2007 football kismet: losing to Appalachian State, bouncing back to face tOSU for the Big Ten crown, losing a bitter and winnable rivalry game, and then finding redemption in a hardfought game with Florida where they outmanned the Gators across the board.

Carr’s time as a coach is done, but earmark this moment in time for a reason. In a season where semantically everything went against script, two things happened in this game that came straight out of Hollywood football central casting: a retiring coach who did things the right way won his last game, and the Heisman Trophy winner lost his postseason game. Michigan crawled a long, Lemmywinksish path up the large intestine of the 2007 college football season. As must as it sucked to be the fall guy in the script, it was nice to be part of a crowd-pleaser, even if it meant enduring the part of an agonizing death scene.

Good game and good-bye, Lloyd. See you in the Bo suite.

Cause we’re bringing friends.

Tebow. Capital One Bowl. Incoherent, angry, blood covered blood updates blood. NOW NOW BLOOD NOW.

1:22: Rich Rodriguez gave ‘em the playbook. Florida’s defense looks like they studied for a Latin test and got the Cuneiform. Michigan 7-0, thanks to Chad Henne’s sudden excellence and Florida’s continuing inability to pressure the passer.

1:38 p.m.: A holding penalty is Florida’s best defensive play thus far: a three and out and suddenly we remember that Florida’s traditionally a slow starter under Meyer. Panic level: three coffees.

2:00 p.m.: Updates will be slow and spastic thanks to anger, emotion, and periodic reassurances to TCOAN that we’re not about to spear the television with the MacBook.

2:18 p.m.: Manningham is a damn beast, and Henne makes a brilliant call on the audible to a run. Florida’s defense is an atrocity as it’s been most of the season. We’re on a huge cup of coffee and a fruit tart and thinking about the champagne, not because we want to celebrate, but because we need the booze. Holy smoking hell.

2:22 p.m.: Don’t look now, but the surefire blowout of Virginia by Texas Tech is now a 16-7 Cav lead.

2:28 p.m.: Like Ladanian Tomlinson doesn’t have some lame shit on his system? Play artist Silkk The Shocker! Suck on that, Mr. Famous-I’ll-make-fun-of-a-bust-ass-broke-teenager!

2:39: Thank you, Mike Hart.

3:00:

3:31: Rain of frogs. Bloody seas. Anything else? This is an astonishingly ill-prepared team. It’s as if, in addition to our existing problems in pass coverage, we’ve sprouted a new lack of discipline and special teams problems! Dead in the water and taking it on below the waterline. No idea what can be done here.

4:04: Much broken furniture later, Florida has taken trash-talking dwarf Mike Hart’s fumble back for a tying TD. Now on Henne to destroy the secondary again. Someone steal Hart’s fish!

4:38: We’ve been through all the stages today. All of them. And there’s still five minutes left in this goddamned cardiac event of a game. Pills. A hammer. Something. There is no balm in Gilead for what this game is doing to the soul.

END: Well played. Michigan is the better team today. It’s hard to complain when you can’t defend a post route, can’t protect your quarterback, can’t kick a field goal, can’t…can’t win. Salut, monsieur Carr. We raise a glass of bubbly to you. Now go fishing and leave our team alone, because you were 2-0 against Florida.

ps. Michigan looked fast. Like, Big Ten fast.

10:31: Sean McDonough is joking about using his golf voice for those of us who might have been “overzealous” last night. Between this and Chris Spielman’s befuddled look and greenish skin, we’re already pleased with the way the broadcast has started.

And Auburn is the most intimidating, tough, and well-coached shitty team ever. If you’re going to beat them, beat them by thirty, not three–they do not lose close games. It’s against several potentially unConstitutional local laws in the Opelika area. Kodi Burns bailed out Auburn in overtime with a run out of their month old spread attack, because let’s face it Auburn doesn’t even really need an offense. Once they went up 3-0, Tuberville goes into shutdown mode and lets monsters like Pat Sims loose for the rest of the gameplan.

Oh, and [NAME REDACTED] just told a player to “stand around fast.”

10:55 a.m.: Corso picks Hawaii.

11:06: Heath Shuler introduces the Tennessee lineup, meaning that not only is Tennessee without key players, they’re also in favor of LETTING GAY TERRORISTS RUN THIS COUNTRY.

11:27: Tennessee scores on a Tebow smash play. “That offense’ll never work in the ESS-EEE-SEE!” Those who would still like to say this may go back to taping this game on Betamax.

11:35: Donovan runs in a TD for Wisconsin and gets a faceful of Eric Berry’s shoulder on the way in, because it is a physical law that if you touch the ball for the other team, Eric Berry gets to cause you harm. Rob Stone reports that as a possibly concussed Donovan is being looked at by Badgers medical staff, players were calling the hit “tasteless.”

Heavens! They don’t even stop for tea and crumpies in the third quarter!

11:45: They’re letting the AT&T Chairman toss the coin at the Cotton Bowl. If he’s true to AT&T form, it will be dropped, and then he will pocket the coin and charge both teams for a new one.

11:52: Casey Dick’s passes float like the slow ball Bugs Bunny used to strike out the New York Giants. It hangs up there so long they should sell advertising on it. And for some odd reason, we’ve heard the piano key Windows error message noise on the Fox broadcast three times in the past minute. Arkansas driving methodically on a permissive Missouri D.

12:05 p.m.: Tennessee’s innovative “Maim Tyler Donovan” defensive gameplan seems to be working beautifully. They’ve already opened up a cut on his non-throwing hand and possibly concussed him, as well. Holly points out that on the Ainge TD throw, Tennessee likely could have had a TD on the draw, too: Wisconsin’s defense is getting clumpy and neglecting their spacing.

12:14 p.m.: Tyler Donovan completes a year’s worth of injuries by planting quite possibly the most awkward qb slide evah into the Outback Bowl turf, stutter-stepping, and then doing something very, very nasty to his knee as it bent backward beneath him. At this point Rob Stone is twirling the rosary through his hands and addressing the lord in rapid Spanish for Donovan’s health.

12:24 p.m. : Tyler Donovan is back. He’s gaining strength from the power of his mother’s profanity, caught at least three times on air thus far.

12:33: Keep cussin’, ma: Donovan throws a TD to put Wisconsin back within a score in the Outback. We’re haunted by the sight of Bucky the Badger at the head of a corporate meeting table. He looked powerful and malevolent in the Wisconsin commercial, like the leader of S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Note to CEOs: when you have to start cutting heads, do it wearing a mascot outfit. It’ll be like Donnie Darko” They’ll obey without questioning.