It’s the Holiday Bowl, and with Texas and Arizona State facing off, it’s the first quality matchup between two quality teams, it’s the first real bowl, it’s like…like…candy!

The ultra-brief pregame:

Texas is a slight favorite, probably because they are Texas, and thus higher on the collective public esteem totem pole most people seem to use when sizing up bowl matchups. This has persisted despite Texas’ appalling lack of a defense, which may or may not make a difference given Arizona’s inability to protect Rudy Carpenter. Carpenter has taken 51 sacks on the year. Carpenter has taken 51 sacks on the year. It’s worth saying twice–that’s how brutal it’s been for him. Even a modest push by the Texas defense (60th overall in sacks) could have Carpenter counting floodlights.

Arizona State’s defense may be the pivot this game hinges on: while Texas linebackers have redefined arm-tackling this year, ASU’s linebackers are all sure-handed progress-stoppers. Make Texas throw, and you put Colt McCoy under pressure, and you make Colt McCoy work against a 21-18 td ratio, and that could mean six running the other way while you wonder what the hell happened to the guy last year who looked like Alex Smith in Longhorn Orange.

Yet: Anyone who watched Arizona State this year had to be shocked at ASU’s resemblance to late-model Tennessee Volunteer teams: a sure-armed qb who got hammered throwing the ball to possession receivers without a serious deep threat or scheme-buster to bail him out, especially in dire situations where the decent running game got substandard under defensive pressure. On offense, they’re shockingly similar, both in how they succeed and in how they fail.

Equalling: a likely Texas win, even with the errors and stuttering of Texas’ defense and qb play.

Announcing: Herbstreit and Musburger. Brent will refer to Dennis Erickson as “an old buccaneer,” and you are heartily encouraged to imagine the two, sunburned and swilling Wild Irish Rose while floating in a life raft somewhere off the coast of Chile singing old sea shanties and waiting for rescue.

Penn State senior qb Anthony Morelli has not spoken with the media in 46 days, presumably because the lights distract him and he just starts throwing objects from his locker randomly at reporters in response. (As none of them have hit there intended targets, you’ve heard nothing of the incidents to this point.) The much-maligned Penn State senior has dodged the media in favor of discussing his problems with those who would understand best: marine mammals in big jars.

Coach Joe Paterno is not scheduled to meet with reporters again until tomorrow. Offensive coordinator Galen Hall was left to answer why the starting quarterback, on the eve of his final collegiate game, was not made available to the press.

“He wanted to feed the fish,” guard Rich Ohrnberger quipped.

Ohrnberger is presumably not a bio major, so we’ll forgive the slight against the largely mammalian cast of Sea World. We think the story’s a dodge, since if Morelli were intent on feeding the fish at Sea World, he’d have to be able to throw fish in a barrel. Hey! Inaccuracy jokes! Seriously, it must suck degrees of suck only measurable on the Matchbox 20 album scale to be Anthony Morelli, especially when reporters are pulling out the “one last chance to impress NFL scouts” line on you. Nevertheless. his elusiveness off-the-field is shocking, especially given the 20 sacks he’s taken this year on the field.

Yes. That’s him. DARPA and Al Gore want your thanks for inventing this awesomeness.

We mean this: the man can dance. (HT: Spooky Juice.)

LSUFreek again stretches your cultural envelope with a sly reference to the 1964 film The Carpetbaggers and attaches it to Dennis Erickson, who knows a bit about carpetbagging in coaching stints at Idaho, Wyoming, Washington State, Miami, San Francisco, Seattle, Oregon State, Idaho (again), and now Arizona State. We know nothing about the movie besides it having George Peppard in it and that the script was co-written by Harold Robbins, former skin-novelist who once penned the line–we shit you not–”Where’d you get that, a used pussy shop?”

He’s just going to a bowl game, baby! He’ll be back!

Good morning. I’m here to tell you why I should be the next coach at UCLA, but first, I’d like each of you to look under your seats. Everyone looking?

Yep. That’s forty dollars. Forty whole dollars for each of you, amigos. I can’t tell you what to do with it, but I do want you all to know that you should take it as a sign of great seriousness and commitment on my part that I came here with forty dollars for each of you, and taped it to the underside of your chairs pre-meeting, and am now telling you: there’s plenty more where that came from, amigos, if you’re prepared to get serious about this coaching thing.

I am. In fact, I’ll just cut the bullshit and get down to the x’s and o’s of this thing: Rick Neuheisel will personally tape forty dollars to the underside of your chair every day if you’ll hire him as UCLA football coach, Monday through Friday. Think about that for a minute. That’s $10,400 dollars a year, all cash, all on the DL, and all between you and me, friends.

Think: it’s extra money around town, it’s a posh weekend in Vegas, including a hooker! Or something to toss at the old lady when she gets mad at you for blowing all your cash on recruits. That’s cool here, right? Just giving the kids a little something for their effort, right? Cool, I’ll take the silence as an indicator we’re all on the same page.

I could bore you with all the x’s and o’s, but I’d rather you just focus on the fact that Uncle Ricky’s gonna make it rain around here. That’s right, I’m down with it. If Pete Carroll’s out handing his phone number out to teens shooting craps in the alley…well, I’ll be the one running the craps game in the alley, friends.

So consider the resume, friends. Two Jacksons and one proven winner are waiting on you.

Piss on you, bowl critics, because the Motor City bowl brings ten years o’ hottness to the table. It’s older than some countries, man. Suck that, East Timor! In addition to all of this, the matchup between Central Michigan and Purdue promises to feature lots of points, a feature that for the casual, non-defense-loving fan should trump the I Love New York 2 marathon on VH1. (Well, for the first half at least.)

Name: Motor City Bowl. A terrific name if you want to associate yourself with a dying industry. Alternate names to the same end could include The American Railroad Conductors Bowl, the Cassette Tape Player Bowl, and the Univac Computers Bowl.

Motto: Come for the MAC football, stay for the soul-wrenching casinos and urban blight. Detroit is the mule America never gets tired of kicking, as evidenced by the brisk economy of punchlines that extends all the way back to The Kentucky Fried Movie. The city that inspired The Crow and Robocop really does make it far too easy for those with the rapiers out, however.

Exhibit we’ve lost count because it’s too fucking easy: the big night out for the football players?

The entire team will be the guest of Utopia Night Club within Thunderbowl Lanes, located in nearby Allen Park from 6:30 p.m. to 10:00 p.m. (Note: This event may be moved to 5:00 pm – 8:00 pm depending on final practice time assignments)). Thunderbowl Lanes is an area landmark with 94 lanes and home to the Michigan Bowling Hall of Fame. Players will be hosted in the remodeled Utopia Night Club with exclusive use of 20 bowling lanes, 24 pool tables, and a large video arcade.

The pregame party is in the “nightclub” in a bowling alley. Thomas More actually had precisely this club in mind when he wrote Utopia, actually. Also, we’re pretty sure that if this is the pregame party, then the gift bag will include a slightly used Sega Genesis and White Castle gift certificates along with a certificate of participation and eight pushpins just hanging loose in the bag.

Fake Bowl? No, because it’s not owned and operated exclusively by the WWL. The sponsors include GM, Chrysler, and Ford, a trio of sponsors explaining why the Motor City bowl has been bailed out financially by the United States government three times in the past ten years and failed to happen in 1999 because it dropped its transmission and burst into flame. God, we loathe American cars.

Intrusive Corporate Sponsor: None in the title, a testament to the commitment to brand the bowl under the Motor City moniker. A misguided attempt considering the endless vein of Detroit jokes, we think, but an admirable one given the Petrosun Independence Bowls of the world. Show us the day when Shreveport inspires this kind of loyalty!

Tradition rating: As old as the term “weblog,” actually, and therefore meriting a tradition rating of Drudge Reportish.

Give the Motor City Bowl a fuckin’ siren! It’s blog-old!

Setup: Usually nabbing a MAC power, the Motor City Bowl began its early career by serving as the official destination of Marshall football in the Bobby Pruett era: the Herd made the first four Motor City Bowls. This year’s model features MAC champion Central Michigan versus Purdue, who finished ninth in the Big Ten.

Why you should watch despite this being the MAC champion versus the ninth-place team in the Big Ten: Because you’re a whore for points, that’s why, even if this is a reheat of an earlier 45-22 Purdue win in West Lafayette where Purdue shot up 31-0 before Central put up 22 consolation points. Central Michigan features Dan LeFevour, only the second player to pass for 3,000 yards and rush for a thousand in a season evarrrr, but doing this in the MAC versus Ball State does not get you the flashbulb pornography enjoyed by Vince Young when he did it.

CMU did win the MAC despite having the 106th ranked defense in the nation, meaning Curtis Painter should easily broach his 360 yards he put up on CMU in Pointsgush Part One. Which means, SEC or Pac-10 honks, that even the ninth-place team from the Big Ten can waste the Mac Champion. Try and sleep tonight thinking of that, hater. Just try and sleep with that in your brain.

We have to interact with people we share a lot of genes with tonight, so we’re canceling EDSBS Live, which we know exactly fifty of you are very, very disappointed to hear.

We have a proposal, though: The PetroSun Independence Bowl Drinking Game, broadcast live on December 30th with yours truly and Peter Bean putting our livers on the line as we drink our way through the game. Mark Jones and Bob Davie will be doing the epic slapfight between the 6-6 Colorado Buffaloes and the 6-6 Alabama Crimson Tide, so we can go ahead and guess the drinking game will involve:

–drink each time Bob Davie says “footbaw”

–drink each time Davie goes “WOOOOOO”

Based on those two requirements alone we should be talking to Dylan Thomas and Bon Scott by halftime. Leave your own rules below.

Oh, and Schnellenberger rules.

The itinerary, bedecked in holly and waiting under the misteltoe with cookies and peppermint schnapps under its breath:

22nd-25th: Nothing here. Nada. Maybe a bowl preview if one creeps up, but that’s it. We’ll be playing video games with Cuddles and using vodka tonics as a chaser to all the purple drank we’ll be downing. Orson Swindle’s Skrewd and Choppd Christmas, Lawyaz!

Addendum! EDSBS LIVE is still…live. On Sunday night at 7:00 p.m. EST, at this here site or at NowLive. We’ll be talking about Howard Schnellenberger’s mustache, among other things.

26th: Right back at it like an addict, travel permitting.

Enjoy the holiday, drive safely if at all, and take this time to tell the ones you love that you love them, cherish them, and no, you love the five pound beefstick gift set you got from them, and that there was no way they could have known you’ve gone vegetarian. After all, it’s only been eight years.

To close the week, we bring you the finest Christmas duet ever recorded. Enjoy, and take care.